by Dori Lavelle
I nod, and instead of Cabana Boy wheeling me to the pool, the instructor does it, stopping the wheelchair at the edge. My stomach knots as all eyes land on me.
“Does anyone mind if we let Lance go next?” the instructor asks. Heads shake all around.
Though I appreciate their support, it’s humiliating to be the only beginner in the group. From what I could see, they can all swim.
“Ready, Lance?”
“I hope so.”
He chuckles and helps me out of the wheelchair. He sets me on the yoga mat at the edge of the pool, my feet dangling inside the water. I draw in a deep breath as I watch the water stretched out before me.
“No pressure. You don’t have to do anything complicated today. Just be here, be present. Enjoy the movement of the water, trust it to carry you when you finally decide to swim.”
“You’re going to let me sit here the entire time?” My legs feel like nothing in the water, dead weight.
“You have to be ready. I can’t force you to get in the water until you’re ready. You have to train your mind not to be afraid first. You have to believe that you can do it first, or once you get inside the pool, you’ll go down. When I teach, my focus is on the mind, not the body.”
“Fine.” My eyes watch as the water sways my useless legs from side to side, fooling me into thinking they’re actually alive. I could sit here like José said, but for how long? I didn’t come this far to sit on the edge of the pool. And I’m not a fan of doing things by halves.
José is back to his expert students now, perfecting his job of helping them beat their fears. I watch for a while, then once he’s free, I wave him over.
“I’m ready,” I say. Through the glass behind him, I spot Cabana Boy, standing where I stood yesterday, watching. If I fail, I would make a fool of myself in front of not only him, but everyone else present. But sitting here doing nothing is slashing my soul.
“Are you sure about this?” José asks. “There’s no rush. We could get you in the water at the next lesson.”
I take a deep breath of chlorine. “I’m ready to try.”
“Again, you have nothing to prove. Do as little or as much as you’re prepared to do, nothing more, nothing less. But if that’s what you want, I’ll help you into the water.” He pauses. “But I suggest you focus on moving your arms and let the water carry you. Use the strength of your arms.”
“I used to be a swimmer once. I think I’ll be able to pull this off.”
His head bobs to the count of three, eyes narrowed at me. “All right then, just refrain from doing anything complicated. Allow yourself to float. Trust the water.”
“Trust the water. I get it.” I grit my teeth.
Trust the water. I swear that phrase is going to haunt me the rest of the day. Water can’t be trusted sometimes. It’s been known to kill thousands of people a year.
Even though I long to throw myself into the water, to dive in from my wheelchair as many others in the group enjoy doing, I allow José to ease me in this time, helping me past the metal steps, letting me go once we’re inside and I’m holding onto the ladder.
The sensation of the water on my upper stomach and chest as I sink in at first is exhilarating. I remain at the edge for a while, holding on for dear life, and then I decide to let go and trust the damn water. Using my arms to paddle, I float away from the ladder. A grin splits my face when the others start clapping. I keep moving.
Once I reach the deep end, an image of myself sinking to the bottom of the pool forms inside my mind, and I freeze. Fear takes over and turns me into a statue. The water suddenly feels like glue around me, hardening with each second, tightening itself around my body. The claws of fear grip my lungs, forcing air out.
“Lance, do you want to get out?” José’s voice breaks through the rush in my ears.
“No,” I shout even as I sink deeper into the water.
“Raise your hand out of the water if you want me to pull you out, do you understand?”
I nod, shivering at the sudden coldness.
I’d be damned if I ask him or anyone to rescue me. I’m doing this myself.
I try to do what I did before, to move my arms. But they seem paralyzed now too. I force my body to listen to my mind. Nothing happens. Water gets into my mouth and I splatter. After a few seconds, I can’t take it any longer. And when I decide I want out, my body comes to life and I start to flail around. Water goes flying everywhere. I rise to the surface and shout, “Get me out! Get me out!”
José is already by my side. As he rescues me, I don’t meet his gaze or anyone else’s.
My lungs are burning and my breath is coming in short bursts as though I’d run a marathon. As José moves me out of the water and helps transfer me to the wheelchair, water dripping from my hair into my eyes, a mist of humiliation clouds my mind. I’ve never felt more of a failure.
“Don’t give up.” José pats me on the shoulder. “You took a huge step today. Come back for the next lesson in two days and we’ll do more. I promise you, everyone here went through the same thing.”
“I doubt it.” I turn away.
“Believe me, I’ve been here with these people from the start. Some did worse than you did the first time.”
“I still don’t think I’m ready, after all. Thanks for your time.” I wheel myself out of the pool area.
“Do you think I’m a failure, Alejandro?” I ask while inside the changing room.
“No, sir. You were very brave.”
“I think you’re wrong.” Feeling like a failure sucks. That water failed me, but it gave me a hunger for my freedom. I want out of this place.
As soon as we get back to my room, I call for Doc and tell him my decision. “I’m leaving tomorrow night. Get the release papers ready for me to sign.”
He eases himself into the armchair. “What happened? You came this far. You only have two weeks to go.”
“I’m ready to go home,” I say. “I promise you, I’m never going to touch another drop of alcohol, and I’m not suicidal. We can still continue our sessions at the house.”
“I guess it’s your decision. But I would suggest you stay a bit longer, as planned.”
“You’re right. It is my decision. Get the papers ready, Doc.”
Even after Doc leaves my room, I’m still determined to leave Crystal Lake. The only thing that gives me pause about returning home is Alice. How would I handle her presence around the house? And how would my brothers react to the news? I call Bryant and he goes out of his mind. He insists on sending Jia, my former caregiver from Boston, to help me out, but I refuse.
“From now on, I’m handling my own life. I’m not some kid you have to take care of. If I need help, I’ll hire someone myself.”
10
Alice
I switch on my laptop and watch the screen come to life, but my thoughts are far away, at Crystal Lake.
It had felt incredible to have lunch with Lance. When he’d extended the invitation to me, I thought my heart would crack open from too much excitement. Even though we haven’t talked much, I’ve never felt more comfortable talking to anyone the way I did with him. Although the food looked delicious, it tasted like cardboard because all I was interested in was watching his face, his perfect lips, the dimples on his cheeks when I brought a smile to his face. He’s such a handsome man, especially when he’s not so angry.
I know I need to back away, respect his wishes, but at the same time, things have become a little more complicated. Now that I’ve gotten a peek of the person he really is, the person he used to be years ago, I’m finding it hard to stay away. When he told me we couldn’t be friends, that we should end it there, something in his voice told me it wasn’t really what he wanted. The crack in the words were so faint, I bet he didn’t even notice they were there. But I did. My instinct tells me he enjoyed our time together as much as I did. Even though there were few and far between, his smiles couldn’t have been fake. They were real, as were his dimple
s. I watched him so closely that I noticed the tiny sparkle in his eyes from time to time when I said something that amused him. He felt just as comfortable around me.
My sister broke him, but what if I’m the only one who can piece him back together?
So, what now? There’s no way I can return to Crystal Lake again, show up unannounced. I doubt he’ll let me in this time. He certainly wouldn’t invite me for lunch. I don’t know what else I can do. I could respect his wishes and walk away, but something is holding me here in Cabo, even as my fearsome mind tells me to run before I get hurt. From what I’ve read and heard about him, the man hasn’t been involved with any woman since his accident, twelve years ago. What makes me think I’d be the one to talk him into falling in love again? I’m pretty sure the last woman he fell in love with was my sister. How could I compete with her?
How could I compete with so many women out there who are more confident, sexier, and smarter than I am? How could I compete with twelve years of pain? And yet, I don’t feel ready to disappear from his life, to never see him again. It was love at first sight when I met him in the coffee shop all those years ago. Spending time with him has shown me the feelings are still there.
No matter how I feel about him, I can’t stay in his home knowing he wants me gone. It doesn’t feel right, not anymore. It also doesn’t feel right for me to leave Mexico.
My throat thick with sobs, I surf the net for nearby accommodations. Most are ridiculously expensive, way out of my budget, and even though Bryant had offered to pay for my stay, it makes me uncomfortable to ask him for money. He’d wanted to transfer some to my account before he left Cabo, but I told him I’d notify him should I need something. I had no intention of doing that.
After an hour of searching, I find a small, reasonably priced, family-owned motel close to the beach, and only a few minutes from the LaClaire villa. There’s only one room free and I grab it immediately. I book the room for a week. That should give me enough time to see Cabo and see where things are going with Lance, if I ever get to see him again.
Once I booked my room, I called Bryant to tell him I’m moving out.
“Did things not go well with Lance?” he asks, disappointment evident in his voice.
After leaving Crystal Lake yesterday, I avoided Bryant’s calls. I didn’t have the heart to tell him Lance had sent me away. I did plan on calling him tonight before bed, though.
“Actually,” I lean back against the pillows. “Quite the opposite.”
“He talked to you?”
“He did.” I bite my lip. “He invited me to lunch in his room.”
“That doesn’t sound like him.”
“Well, I guess your brother is full of surprises.” I smile in spite of myself. “Anyway, we had lunch and talked a little. I thought maybe we could be friends. It would’ve been nice to have somebody here to talk to.” I shrug. “But after lunch, he made it clear he doesn’t want to be friends.”
“Alice, thanks for reaching out to him. I apologize on his behalf. Please understand that it’s the pain talking most of the time. The mood swings are unpredictable.”
“No need to apologize. It can’t be easy to be in his situation.” A heavy weight settles on my heart. “I’m moving out, Bryant. I appreciate your generosity, but I can’t stay here.”
“You don’t have to do that.” His voice is smooth, but insistent. “Lance won’t be home for days yet. Where will you go? You’re not thinking of flying back home, are you? Don’t let Lance ruin your time in Cabo.”
“I reserved a room in a motel not too far from here.”
“A motel?” Surprise raises his voice. “Please, let me pay for a stay in a nice hotel. It’s the least I can do for all the trouble you went to.”
“Your kindness means a lot, but it doesn’t feel right. Your family doesn’t owe me anything, not after what my sister did to both of you. You paid for my ticket and that’s more than enough.”
“Are you absolutely sure?”
“Completely. I’m moving out tonight. You have my phone number if you want to speak, but you should know I’ll not try to contact your brother again since he made it clear he doesn’t want me around.”
A lump rises in my throat at the thought of never seeing Lance again, but there is some comfort to being in the same town. I have no idea what fate has in store for both of us, but I’m willing to wait a little while to see what happens.
The deep sigh on the other end is broken by the sound of a child crying. “I understand. I’m sorry you had such a bad experience with him.”
“It wasn’t all bad,” I say in a low voice. “It just wasn’t good enough.”
“Well, have fun in Cabo, and don’t hesitate to call me, should you need anything. I mean it. Let me know if you change your mind about—”
“I won’t.” I pause. “Thanks for all your kindness. I wish you and your family well.”
“Okay. Take care of yourself, Alice.”
“What do I do with the keys?”
“Leave them with Valentina, the housekeeper.”
“Great. Bye, Bryant.”
After the call, I pack my bags, careful not to leave anything behind. Then I walk out onto the balcony, enjoying the sea breeze as the sun sets, watching the ocean waves breaking on the rocks, calling for me to have a last swim.
Last night, I swam in the sea at midnight, an attempt to clear my mind. Now I’m tempted to do it again. Before I can change my mind, I strip off my clothes, remove my grandmother’s gold bracelet that I wear all the time, and put on my swimsuit.
Ten minutes later, I’m out the door, running down the secret path to the beach, a LaClaire towel around my body.
The moment my feet touch the cool sand, I drop the towel and fling myself into the waves.
I swim for twenty minutes, the waves dragging me deep into the sea. The water is heaven and the taste of salt on my tongue is welcome. I let myself go and float on the water, eyes on the darkening sky and the sea gulls flying overhead. When I step back onto the beach, I’m out of breath, but invigorated.
Back at the villa, I call Juan to notify him of my planned departure, and he promises to pick me up in an hour. I use the time to shower and to lie on my back on the bed for the last time.
When the time comes to leave, not giving much thought to what I’m doing, I walk into the living room and pick up a small framed photo of Lance from the mantelpiece. It stood right at the back and one might not even notice it’s missing. Guilt nudges my insides when I tuck it into my purse. I can’t leave with nothing. I need to keep a piece of him with me. Lance LaClaire has a hold on me from which I can’t free myself.
11
Lance
“Is there anything else I can do for you, Mr. LaClaire?” Juan asks, once my luggage and I are inside the villa.
I glance at the empty living room. “No, go home to your family. I’ll be fine. Pick me up tomorrow at twelve. I have a doctor’s appointment.”
“I’ll be here.” He smiles, the lines around his forty-year-old eyes deepening.
After Juan leaves, I remain in the living room, unsure what to do next. I’m completely alone since Valentina normally leaves at 5 p.m., and Bryant had called me yesterday to inform me that Alice would be moving out. She must have already left as there doesn’t seem to be any sign of life. I’m not quite sure how to feel about her departure, but in a way, I’m grateful for a moment to be alone, without people hovering over my shoulders telling me what to do.
My phone rings as I’m about to enter the elevator that takes me to my bedroom. I’m not surprised it’s Bryant, checking up on me as usual.
“I really don’t know why I’m picking up your call. I thought we agreed you won’t be calling me all the bloody time.” I enter the elevator and press the first-floor button. “I do need a moment to breathe from time to time, you know.”
“Look, I’m worried about you. I’m your brother. It’s my job.”
“You’re worried I’ll try to k
ill myself, aren’t you?” I grit my teeth. “For the hundredth time, I didn’t mean to commit suicide,” I lie, then pause. “But if you continue to bug me, I might just do it to prove you right. Seriously, man, you worry too much. Leave me the fuck alone for a few hours, will you? I’m not in the mood to do anything stupid.”
“Sorry, man. I’m aware that you’re perfectly capable of taking care of yourself. I’ll try not to worry so much.” He pauses. “Worrying aside, I’m calling to ask if you’ve heard anything from Alice.”
“Why should I have heard from her? As far as I can see, she’s left, as you said she would.”
“I know, but she’s still alone in Mexico. I just wondered if she contacted you.”
“No, she didn’t contact me. I don’t see why she would feel the need to do so.” A hot sensation spreads through my chest, scorching me. I ignore it.
“The woman doesn’t know anyone there, apart from you.”
“I guess I left a bitter taste in her mouth.”
Bryant doesn’t comment. “Are you sure it’s okay for you to stay there with no one around?”
“I don’t need a babysitter. But if it makes you feel any better, I’ve hired someone to come and help me out. He starts in two weeks.”
“Is it someone I know?”
“I guess so. My butler from Crystal Lake is following me home.”
When I told Cabana Boy I was leaving Crystal Lake, his face had crumbled. He went on to tell me he was about to quit his job because they were not paying him enough, and the only reason he hung on for a little longer was because of me. To say that blew me away is an understatement. Most people prefer to keep a distance from me. It was a no-brainer to me to hire him on the spot, offering him more money. The decision to hire my own help instead of one of my brothers doing it for me was empowering, to say the least.
