“Yeah, okay.” I’d endured worse than a cold shower during my life.
Kristof rummaged through the chest again and pulled out a couple of sheets.
“We can use these as towels.” He handed me one, placed the other with the clothes on top of the chest, then he walked to the bed and carefully removed the dusty top quilt. The blanket underneath was clean but musty. He shook it out a little and placed it on the mat before the fire. He did the same with the next blanket, which was a feather duvet, creating a comfortable dust free nest with enough room for both of us.
“You shower and warm up by the fire, and I’ll get us something to eat. I heard your stomach growling, so I know you’re starving.”
I was.
“Do you need your jacket?” I started to remove it. He still hadn’t donned the tassel coat, stating he wanted to get clean first.
“Nah. Wolf. Remember?” He grinned and left the room.
Watching his fine ass leave the room was a sad pleasure. As soon as he’d left, I felt alone and a tiny bit afraid. With him, I felt safe, yet still in control of my decisions. He made me smile. I couldn’t remember the last time someone made me smile.
I strolled into the dim bathroom on autopilot. Who was this man that had me questioning my ideas about freedom?
We had a connection, I’d felt it, but I didn’t understand it any more than I understood the dark power still curled within me. Using that power on Kristof made me realize it was a part of me. There was no getting rid of it. If I was to have true independence, true control over my life, I needed to learn to understand that part of myself and stop it from taking over. Could my connection with Kristof help?
I stood at the bathroom sink in front of a medicine cabinet. There was no mirror, just the plain timber doors of a medium-sized cabinet. I opened them and jumped at movement inside before realizing it was my reflection. How odd, to have the mirror on the inside.
I leaned forward and searched the depth of my eyes for the darkness hidden inside.
Who was I really?
I had deep gold eyes rimmed with a blue so dark it was almost black. They were unusual but still within the realm of human enough that most would call them hazel eyes. They were nothing like the glowing golden orbs of the Blood Demon in Father’s office.
I frowned.
Did my eyes change when the darkness consumed me? Did they glow with luring promises like the Blood Demon’s had? Was the darkness visible to the rest of the world?
So many questions with no answers.
I’d felt teeth and claws start to emerge, so maybe my eyes did glow. I was too afraid to ask Kristof. He might confirm what I already realized to be true. I was a monster, or at least, a part of me was.
I stared at my face, willing it to reveal the secret of who I was.
I thought of all the moments in my life when I’d seen shadows moving, creatures of nightmares lurking in our home. Father must have seen them too; they were most active during the ceremonies he presided over, almost a part of them, if I remembered correctly. It was hard to remember details like that through the pain of the branding and the horror of the Blood Demons Father said weren’t real.
Father had the answers. I was sure of it.
He’d hidden them from me my whole life. I needed to confront him, force him to reveal the truth. Did I even have the strength to confront him?
My palms tingled and my reflection faded as I imagined myself standing before him, demanding he tell me who I was. What I was. What did all the sacraments he’d forced on me growing up really mean? I imagined yelling at him with a demand so strong he couldn’t refuse me, a demand fueled by the anger and frustration of a lifetime of control. “Tell me,” I screamed in my fantasy confrontation, and he would cower and tell me.
I sighed. Yeah, like that was going to bloody happen. I started to close the cabinet doors. Movement from the mirror caught my eyes, and I froze.
Movement again from the mirror.
Something was behind me. I saw it.
My heart thudded in my chest as a steam train of fear coursed through me. I wasn’t alone. Muscles tensed, resistant to movement, and I forced myself to turn toward the darkened corner of the room behind me, the space the mirror reflected.
Nothing was there.
Just tiled walls and an empty bathtub.
Emma.
I whipped around at the whisper of my name coming from behind me. My palms heated and stung, then the shadows in the mirror seemed to waver and move, like the surface of a clear pond disturbed by a tiny pebble. When it settled, my reflection stared back at me. Glowing golden eyes included. My eyes, my golden eyes glowed. Not as bright as the Blood Demon’s, but enough to appear inhuman.
They seemed so bright in the gloom of the bathroom, but that could have been because the only other light source bled in from the bedroom. The bathroom had no window of its own. The shadows around my mirrored image moved again, my face the only stable constant in the reflected surface.
Emma, I felt your call. You have questions. I can help.
It was Father’s voice.
My head shook in denial. No, this wasn’t possible.
Pain seared across my palms and the mirror wavered again, becoming a dark liquid pool of mercury. It swirled and churned, but this time it was like a huge rock disturbed the pond. As it grew still again, it wasn’t the bathroom or my face in the reflection, it was Father’s office.
He sat at his desk, Bible laid out before him, the one he used for ceremonies. It was full of Latin prayers and what I now knew to be Demon names. He looked up and smiled at me staring from the reflection of his office mirror.
“Emma,” he crooned, “there you are. I knew you’d grow to be powerful, but I never dreamed this would come so naturally to you.”
He closed the book, his gaze never leaving mine as he opened a desk drawer. I caught a flash of bronzed metal inside, but then he placed the book on top of it and shut the drawer.
I looked at my feet. I was still standing in the bathroom, but when I gazed back at the mirror, it was the same disturbing scene. Father’s office. How could I be in two places at once?
My confusion and near panic must have shown on my face.
“Keep calm, child. Don’t let your hysteria spoil this wonderful accomplishment. You are doing what you were born to do. What I created you to do.”
“Created? What are you talking about?”
“Come home, and I will explain.”
“No, I can’t. I won’t. Tell me what I am?”
“I will tell you everything. Once you come home to me.”
I didn’t respond, I couldn’t. I’d always planned on standing up to Father, but not like this. The rules were all wrong. I’d been preparing for a battle in which all the participants were human. A normal human girl, trying to grow up and break away from a controlling human father. Now, as I observed Father’s dark flashing eyes, I realized with dawning horror that neither of us were completely human. There was a monster lurking within both of us.
“Come, Emma, you can be home in seconds, and I will answer all your questions. You just have to ask. You know the words, Emma. Say them.”
May I enter.
The words whispered through my mind, the script automatic after a lifetime of conditioning and control. They gouged their way out from the recesses of a tainted instinct I didn’t want. An instinct forced upon me by my DNA. Old wounds bled in my mind as I fought to keep my mouth shut. I would never say those words to that man again. Not ever.
“NO!” I screamed and slammed the cabinet doors shut.
I leaned against the sink and tried to slow my ragged breathing. It was like I’d run a marathon. My legs shook, my hands shook, fuck, my whole body shook. I’d done it. I’d openly defied my Father.
I’d said no.
My ears buzzed from the adrenaline still racing through my veins, and all I could hear was my breathing as it slowed to a regular rate. No whispered words from inside the cabinet.<
br />
Shit, I’d done it.
I’d said no.
I needed a shower more than ever. The confrontation with Father left me feeling tainted and dirty. I turned on the frigid water, stripped off my dirty clothes, and stepped straight into the shower. I welcomed the burning bite of the freezing water hitting my naked skin. It cleansed and hurt and felt so good. By the time I stepped out, I was shivering so hard my teeth chattered, but it was worth it. I felt clean and new.
I wrapped the sheet around myself and paused by the bathroom cabinet. My hands hovered over the handles, then decision made, I closed my eyes and pulled it open.
I drew in a deep breath and opened my eyes. An ordinary mirror reflected my ordinary face with human-looking hazel eyes. I tapped the hard surface. It was just a mirror again, and I sagged in relief and closed the doors, then rushed to sit shivering by the fire.
The heat was a glorious contrast on my cold skin. As I defrosted, I stared into the flames and let my mind relax and go blank. No voices, no dark whispers. A precious moment to submerge myself in the peace and calm I’d found at last.
I’d said no.
Chapter 11
Emma
* * *
“Ah, good, you’re done.” Kristof strode into the room, something slung over his shoulder. His eyes took in my colorful hippy shirt, which was more dress than a shirt. It was so far from the classic designer clothes Father made me wear, and for that alone I decided I loved it.
I didn’t want to think about what my conversation with Father had revealed. Just for today, I wanted to forget and enjoy my freedom while I had it. Although I’d won the battle, I still had to confront Father face to face. Until then, I wanted to bask in the moment and not think too much about the future.
“What are you carrying?” I dared ask.
“Breakfast.”
He smirked and dropped a dead rabbit on the mat beside me. Skinned and gutted. I leaned closer to inspect it.
“Are those teeth marks around its neck?”
“I’m not going to dignify that with a response. How else did you imagine a wolf might catch a hare?”
“Doesn’t seem very hygienic,” I muttered.
“You didn’t seem to have a problem with my saliva when we were downstairs earlier,” he teased.
The subtle reminder of our kiss caused heat to rush through me. No, indeed, I didn’t have a problem with it.
“Hmm, so long as you cook it. Don’t want to catch rabies or anything.”
“I hunt and provide good food for you and you reward me with insinuations that I may carry disease.” He clutched his hand to his chest as he squatted before me. “You wound me, fair lady.” He chuckled, enjoying our banter as much as me.
“Well, you can’t be too careful these days.”
“Soul Guardians don’t carry any diseases. We either die of old age or injury.” He grabbed a metal pot filled with water from beside the fire, placed the rabbit inside, and covered it with a lid. “The meat is safe, but I shall cook it to appease your delicate human sensibilities.”
“Thank you, that’s very noble of you.” The lightness in my chest was foreign. Who knew I had the ability to tease and be teased?
Then a sobering thought hit me. “But I’m not really human, am I?” I whispered.
He grew still and his expression turned serious.
“No. You aren’t.” He rested his hand on my knee, leaned forward, and placed a lingering kiss on my cheek. “But don’t worry, together we’ll figure out what you are.”
He stood and hung the pot on a frame so that it could stew by the fire.
“That will take a few hours. I’m going to clean up.”
“Okay.”
Then he grabbed the sheet and disappeared into the bathroom.
I rubbed at my cheek; it still tingled from the touch of his lips.
Together. Okay, that sounded nice.
Every noise he made behind the closed door seemed to stimulate my imagination and fertilize a need within me I didn’t even know I possessed. The hard clunk of boots being removed, followed by soft whispers of fabric brushing against skin left bare. He wore a belt. It clinked as it hit the ceramic floor. I heard him shuck off his jeans and step out of them with bare feet. Did I have the ability to hear better than a regular human?
When the water turned on, I tried not to think about how his naked body would glisten when the water coated him. I tried not to imagine the muscles that would flex as he washed. He didn’t make a sound when he entered the cold water, but I knew when he started to wash. I could smell the scent of soap filling the air.
Now, images of soap suds slowly sliding down bronzed naked skin took control of my mind. I wanted to be a soap sud.
I was so lost in the imagery his hidden movements inspired, that I didn’t realize he was done until the bathroom door was replaced by Kristof standing there wearing nothing but a sheet wrapped around his waist. Water ran in tiny rivulets down his broad, powerful chest, and suddenly I was very thirsty. His nipples hardened under my gaze and goosebumps rose up along his tanned skin.
Shit, I was staring.
He moved gracefully for a man with only a sheet hitched around his waist. His stride was confident as he came to stand in front of me.
“Are you okay?”
I nodded, unable to form words.
He raised an eyebrow, then turned and went to stoke the fire with a chair leg. I was hypnotized by the firelight reflecting on the silky skin of his corded forearms. They twisted and turned, and I couldn’t look away.
My breathing was a little faster and my body tingled in a way that was foreign to me. I’d never had this kind of reaction to a man before. I wanted to touch him.
Shit, I was aroused.
“That should keep it going,” he said.
He plonked himself down on the blanket beside me, at ease with the fact he was half naked.
Was he completely oblivious to my current state?
“Is everything okay?” he asked.
“Yes,” I squeaked.
“Emma,” he chided, “I can smell lies. I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable around me. I don’t mind that you aren’t completely human. I’m not either.”
When he brushed his knuckles against my cheek, the cool was a soothing contrast to the heat that burned my face.
“Also, I can smell your arousal,” he murmured.
“What! Oh my God, no.”
And I thought I was blushing before.
His grin was back, dimples and all, then his face transformed into complete seriousness as he licked his lips and looked at me like I was his oasis and he was a man dying of thirst.
“It’s okay, Emma.” He swallowed hard. “We won’t do anything you don’t want. The decision as to where this connection between us goes is completely yours.”
Where did I want this to go?
He was giving me complete control, something no one had ever given me. He made me feel empowered, like a goddess. I had command over what happened next and this beautiful, powerful man would obey.
I didn’t know what the future would bring. This dilapidated old house only offered a temporary reprieve from a battle with Father that I wouldn’t be able to avoid for much longer. But what if tomorrow the darkness consumed me, and I lost myself and this chance at a moment of pure untainted pleasure?
There was a connection between us. A cord that pulled me to him. This could be my one and only chance to experience trust and intimacy with someone who respected and accepted me. I needed his touch. No one else could give me what I needed.
“I want …” I swallowed hard on the words.
“Say it, Emma. Tell me what you want. I’m a Soul Guardian—we not only believe in free will, we fight to protect it. I won’t have you looking back and feeling like I enticed you into anything.”
This was my decision. Whatever I decided right now, Kristof would respect and accept. That knowledge only fuelled my need for him.
“I
want you,” I whispered.
“I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”
He was forcing me to say it out loud so there would be no misunderstanding. I could do that. I wouldn’t let fear stop me from saying what I truly desired. Tomorrow, the monster inside might consume me, and I would not miss out on him now.
“I want to touch you … I … I want you to touch me …” There I’d said it. “But, I don’t know how to start.”
“Oh, Emmalein, I can do that for you.”
He leaned forward and gently eased me down onto my back. His muscular frame hovered above me, as his arms cocooned me below. I was safe, and although he loomed over me, I felt in complete control. One word and he would stop. Of that, I had no doubt.
I needed him closer, to crush me in his embrace and chase away the lingering darkness inside me. I shifted my hips and pressed my legs against his. He ran a cool hand down my cheek and cupped my chin as he leaned in to brush a soft kiss against my lips.
“Are you sure?” he murmured.
“I need this. I need to feel human.”
He shifted his weight onto one arm, and his hand came up between us to trace the top button of my shirt. He paused, a question in his eyes. He was waiting for my signal before he continued. I nodded, permission granted. And then he slowly started to unbutton my blouse, the occasional brush of his icy fingers a reminder of his recent shower. The cold sent tingles down my body and goosebumps rose in response. He parted my shirt with slow, careful movements. When my breasts were exposed, I heard his sharp intake of air.
“Gorgeous,” he groaned before plunging his mouth upon my nipple.
The heat that engulfed my flesh burned all the way into my core, heating me up from the inside out and chasing away the last of the dark whispers. His fiery hot palm enclosed my other breast and I was torn between the sensations of the heated bliss of his palm and the burning cold tips of his fingers. It was too much to process and I felt my body arch up into him, involuntarily seeking more.
And he gave it.
The weight of his lower body pressed against me and I felt the heat of his arousal against my thigh. His tongue swirled around my swollen nipple, then moved to the other one, giving it the same heated attention, while his hand slid down to caress the curves of my belly, then lower. His touch seared an icy path across my hip, dipping toward my inner thigh and back out again, teasing and never traveling to that inner place that called for his touch the most.
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