by E. M. Abel
Shaun pulled me to his bed where he told me to lie back. I watched as he moved to his nightstand, pulled the drawer open, and took out a condom. I knew it was irrational, but I found myself wishing that he didn’t want to use one. I wanted him inside me with nothing between us, and I wished he wanted the same. I wanted him to trust me enough to treat me differently than the rest. Seeing him open the package and roll it onto his length just reminded me that as much as I wanted to be more to him, I wasn’t.
I tried to separate myself from my body. I had to take my heart out of the equation. It didn’t belong there.
Shaun crawled on top of me, and I shut my eyes when his lips touched mine. I kissed him back, letting my tongue slide against his, as I pretended that it meant nothing. My body was what he wanted. It was the only thing that kept him coming back.
“Open your eyes,” I whispered as I slid inside of Natalie.
She was always so wet and warm. I wished I could bury myself deep inside her and never leave. When her eyes opened, I saw something there that I hadn’t seen before—fear. I stopped moving and waited to see if she’d say anything.
“Fuck me,” she muttered, wrapping her legs around me.
I began moving my hips. My body was under her control. As much as I’d tried to fight it, I knew things between us were changing. I buried my face into her neck as I began fucking her. The sound of my heartbeat in my ears, our labored breaths, and the slap of our skin was all I heard.
Natalie’s nails dug into my back, and I felt her pussy starting to quiver as she came. I slowed down, feeling every pulse of her walls as they tightened around me. Groaning, I kept my slow rhythm until her body relaxed and her grip on my back loosened. Her come was all over us, but I didn’t stop. I began moving again, fucking her harder and faster than I had before, and I heard Natalie whimper when I circled my hips each time.
Everything felt so good—her body under mine, her hands on me, her tight pussy squeezing my dick. I wanted all of her. I wanted to be the first man she gave everything to, but I knew I didn’t deserve it. I could only take what she was offering. So, I did. I took all of it.
When I finally came, it felt so good that it hurt. I held on to Natalie so tightly that no space was between us, just our sweaty bodies pressed so close that it felt like we were one. I could hardly tell where I ended and she began.
I pulled out of her gently, and we both gasped when we felt the separation. Rolling onto my back, I was still panting when Natalie sat up. I turned to look at her, and she gave me a small smile, but it didn’t reach her eyes.
“I’m gonna go clean up,” she said before scooting to the end of the bed and walking out of the room.
I took a deep breath and released it from my lungs. What are you doing? This isn’t what you wanted, remember? This isn’t what she wants.
I pushed my fingers through my hair as I stared at my bedroom ceiling and listened to the water running in my bathroom. I needed to get my shit together before things went too far, before I could say or do something to scare her off.
Sitting up, I took the condom off and tossed it into the trash before going to the bathroom. I stood in the doorway and watched as Natalie cleaned herself up.
“You okay?” I asked.
She began drying herself off as she gave me a forced smile. “Yeah, I’m great.”
I studied her face for a second, and I could see she was lying, but for the first time, I was too scared to call her on it.
“Good,” I said as I stepped closer to the sink and turned the water back on.
“Um…would you mind if I cut the day short? I forgot I told Nick I’d cover dinner tonight, and I don’t have anything ready.”
I stopped what I was doing and looked at her over my shoulder. Natalie was standing in the doorway now, looking nervous, as she waited for my response. We both knew she was full of shit, and I was sure she was expecting me to call her on it.
“Okay. Yeah,” I muttered before turning back around and cutting the water off. “Just let me get dressed, and I’ll take you home,” I told her as I stared at the bathroom sink.
“Thanks.”
Six Days Later…
I hadn’t heard anything from Natalie for the last week. I’d tried to forget about her. I’d told myself that what we had was good while it lasted, but I needed to move on. At least she had been smart enough to stop things before they could go too far, or maybe she had just been as scared of her feelings as I was. Either way, my instincts said Natalie was done, and our arrangement was over.
I’d never imagined it would hurt as bad as it did. I had been in a shitty mood all week, and I’d taken it out on everyone around me. I had gone out for drinks with Dre on Thursday, but I’d spent the entire time at the bar nursing beers. If I felt this bad after only a few weeks with Natalie, I would hate to know how I’d feel if we’d been together longer.
It was a dreary and damp Monday morning, and I was getting dressed for work when there was a knock at my front door. When I opened it, Natalie was standing there in a pair of jean shorts and a tank top. My eyes swept over her body before meeting her gaze. She was rubbing her lips together, and just as she opened her mouth to speak, I stopped her by leaning down and kissing her.
God, I missed her lips. It hadn’t even been a week since I last felt them on me, but I’d thought I would never feel them again.
Natalie kissed me back, and I wrapped my arms around her waist, pulling her closer. With her warm, soft body pressed against mine, our kiss grew more urgent, and I took us backward into my apartment. I kicked the door shut and pushed her back against it. Her hands slipped under my shirt and ran over my abs and up to my chest. Lifting my arms, I let her take it off before kissing her again.
We both started unbuttoning our shorts, and we kicked them off. I took her breasts in my hands and pushed her harder against the door as I pressed myself onto her. I wanted her to feel what she was doing to me, to know I had no control over it. Her hands moved to my hair when I finally broke our kiss, and my mouth started a trail down her neck. I wanted to tell her how much I’d missed her, how much I craved her, but I didn’t. Instead, I tried to show her. I picked her up, and when she wrapped her legs around my waist, I could feel the warmth between them as I brought my hips closer.
I carried her into my bedroom and tossed her onto the bed. I wanted to taste all of her. I pulled her panties down her legs and dropped them on the floor before kneeling beside them. Taking her hips into my hands, I dragged her to the edge of the bed as she giggled. I smiled and spread her legs wide before peering up at her and letting my tongue come out to lick her. Natalie gasped and put her hands on top of mine. I slid my tongue through her folds before stopping on her clit and flicking it lightly with the tip. I moved it faster, and Natalie’s back arched off my bed, her hands curling tighter around mine.
“Oh God,” she breathed.
Her breaths came faster as I sucked her clit between my lips before starting all over again. Releasing one of my hands from her, I moved it and slipped two fingers inside her wet pussy. I used the palm of my hand to press against her clit as I stood up and leaned over her. I curled my fingers to reach her G-spot, and I began circling them against it, watching as her eyes rolled back and her lips parted on another gasp. I could feel her insides tightening around my fingers, and I began fucking her with them as she came.
I was breathing hard from just watching her. Leaning down, I used my other hand to pull down her top, and I took one of her nipples into my mouth. I peered up to see her come apart under me. I loved pleasuring her. I loved watching her as the ecstasy took her over, and everything else fell away.
I wanted to bury myself in her so fucking bad that it hurt. I wanted to forget about the fucking condom and feel her skin against mine. I didn’t want anything between us when I fucked her, but I couldn’t bring myself to ask. If she said no, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to take it.
Instead, I let my fingers slide out of her before reaching ove
r to my nightstand and getting a condom. I looked down at Natalie lying on my bed, and she held my eyes as I ripped the package open with my teeth. She licked her lips, and her eyes moved down to my cock. It was so hard. I knew once I was inside her, I’d never want to leave. I rolled the condom on and moved back between Natalie’s legs as her eyes made a trail up my body.
“Get on your hands and knees and turn around,” I said.
When our gazes met, Natalie gave me a sexy grin, and then she did what she had been told.
Goddamn. The curves of her ass looked perfect, and her wet pussy was so fucking gorgeous, just waiting for me to slip inside. Taking a step closer, I put my hands on Natalie’s waist and pulled her back toward the edge of the bed again. After licking my fingers, I moved them down to her clit and began making circles against her swollen skin. She moaned and dropped her head to the mattress, her hair sprawling out around her. She was completely bent over now, and I moved those same fingers to her pussy and pressed them inside her.
“Oh fuck,” she moaned.
I twisted my fingers and then slid them out slowly. “Did you miss my dick? That’s why you came over, isn’t it? Because you wanted to feel my hard cock deep inside your wet pussy,” I said as I put my fingers inside her again.
Natalie nodded her head, but she knew that wasn’t what I wanted. I squeezed her ass in my other hand and stopped fucking her with my fingers.
“Yes,” she said, her grip tightening on my sheets.
“Yes, what?” I asked, pulling my fingers out of her.
Natalie got back up on her hands and turned to look me in the eyes. “I came here because I wanted you to fuck me.”
I hadn’t realized it until that moment, but those words were what I’d been waiting to hear. I needed to know that things between us hadn’t changed.
Taking my dick in my hand, I guided it toward Natalie’s pussy and pressed myself inside slowly. Her head fell forward, and I hissed as I felt the exquisite pressure surrounding my cock. She felt so fucking good. Every movement of our bodies sent shivers of pleasure down my spine. I started off slow, but then I gave us what we both wanted, and I fucked her.
I hadn’t been surprised when I didn’t hear from Shaun all week. I knew he had been able to tell I was freaking out when I left his apartment on Tuesday, and the fact that he hadn’t said anything showed me he understood. I’d spent so much of the last week trying to decide what to do.
Part of me had wanted to stop this thing with Shaun. I’d already known I was in danger of getting my heart broken, and as much as it would hurt now, it would save me from even more heartache later. But somewhere deep inside me, that hope still lived. That little girl who wanted to believe in fairy tales and know what true love felt like was still there.
Shaun made me feel alive, and I’d decided if I wanted to really live, I would have to take risks—even with my heart. I knew it wasn’t smart. Everyone had warned me that Shaun wasn’t looking for love, but neither was I. I wasn’t going to fight whatever this was between Shaun and me.
So, there I was, lying in Shaun’s bed again after he’d fucked me. I loved it. I loved being with him and having him near me. Even though I knew he felt something, too, I also realized he wasn’t ready to admit it. It was like there was an elephant in the room that neither of us wanted to acknowledge, so I tried to pretend it didn’t exist.
“I signed up for some photography classes,” I said, turning to face Shaun.
He smiled and seemed to relax a little. “Good job, Killer.”
“So, it’s your turn now. Are you going to talk to Marcus?”
Shaun sighed and ran his hand through his hair. “Yeah, I guess.”
“Come on, don’t be a pussy,” I teased with a playful grin.
He chuckled and met my gaze. “I’ll talk to him this weekend when he gets back.”
“Good.”
I smiled, and Shaun did, too.
“So, what are you doing today?” I asked as I sat up and started searching the floor for my panties.
“I was actually about to go to work.”
I stopped looking and faced him. “Oh. I’m sorry. I thought you were always off on Mondays.”
Shaun shook his head. “No, it’s cool. I was just gonna stop by and check on things.”
“Okay. Well, I can go.”
I went to get up, but Shaun put his hand on my arm to stop me.
“Stay. It’s raining outside anyway. Who wants to go out in that?”
I laughed as I fell back onto the bed. “Okay, so what should we do?”
“Just relax, Killer. Don’t do anything.”
Pressing my head back into a pillow, I stared up at Shaun’s ceiling and took a deep breath. I can do this.
“Have you found a new apartment yet?” he asked, turning his head to face me.
The sun was shining in through his window, and a beam of light was on his face. His green eyes were so beautiful, and when he’d spoken, his deep voice had seemed to vibrate through me. I bit my bottom lip, trying to focus on what he’d asked me.
“Oh. No, I haven’t gone out to look yet. I checked some places online though. Nick said he wants me to stay with him for at least another month, so…” I trailed off, unsure of what to say next.
“I didn’t think you’d come back,” Shaun said, interrupting my train of thought.
So much for avoiding the elephant.
Shaun’s eyes were searching mine, and I could feel my hands starting to sweat as I contemplated how to respond.
“I like you, Killer, and not just in my bed. I’ve never been with a woman who has made me want more than that. This is all new to me, and honestly, I’m having a hard time with it.”
My heart was beating a mile a minute, and I couldn’t help but smile as Shaun confessed he had feelings for me.
“The thing is…I don’t like labels. If we start using them, I know things are going to change. Our expectations will change, and so will everything else, maybe even our feelings for each other.”
I could feel the smile slipping from my lips as he spoke, but I knew what he was saying was true. Shaun and I liked each other because we were free to be who we were with no barriers, no rules, and no accountability. A relationship would mess that up.
“If you want out, I get it,” Shaun told me, his eyes still searching mine. “If you want a relationship, I mean. You deserve to have what you want, Natalie. You should be happy, and if I can’t give that to you—”
I shook my head and sat up. “I am happy,” I said, interrupting him. “I’m not sure I’m ready for a relationship either.”
Shaun grinned at me before sitting up, too. “So, are we good? Nothing’s changed?”
I smiled and gave him a small nod. “Nothing’s changed.”
His face lit up with a smile, and before I could say anything else, Shaun was kissing me.
Seventeen Days Later…
The last few weeks had been the best of my life by far. I had spent most of my weekdays with Shaun and the weekends with my friends. I had friends now—real friends. Mandy and I would go to the movies together. Asia and I would discuss art and photography. Nick and I had even gone to Hailey and John’s house for dinner. My life felt like it was finally changing. I was letting go of my fears and discovering that maybe life wasn’t so scary after all.
I found myself falling more for Shaun every time I was with him. He had been teaching me how to enjoy my life rather than just survive it. Every Monday, he would take me to do something I’d never done before.
We had gone sightseeing in D.C., we’d danced together in nightclubs, he’d taken me to Chuck E. Cheese, and he’d even gotten me drunk enough to sing karaoke. I’d sung Janet Jackson’s “Any Time, Any Place,” my hips swaying and my eyes on Shaun, as he’d watched me on the small stage. I could tell he’d liked it by the way he dragged his teeth across his bottom lip and how his eyelids lowered over his green eyes. After I had finished, he’d pulled me to a dark corner of the bar and
nearly fucked me against the wall.
Shaun and I always had so much fun together, and the sex was reaching new limits. Before, when I had just been using my body, I’d had no idea how different sex could be when my heart was involved. My entire life had changed when I met Shaun, and I couldn’t stand the thought of things ending.
Not labeling our relationship had sounded easy, but it wasn’t. I would still wonder if he was sleeping with other women on the weekends. When we weren’t together, I tried to imagine what he was doing and wondered if he was thinking of me as much as I thought of him. If I were being honest with myself, I’d also say I was growing to resent our arrangement. I couldn’t help but feel like Shaun was only willing to take part of me.
The last few weeks had been like a dream come true. I’d finally shown Marcus my surfboard designs, and I’d even paid someone to make replicas of them, so we could test them out. They were better than I’d imagined they would be, and I could tell Marcus had been impressed. I guessed no one had suspected that I had goals and dreams of my own.
Marcus and I had contacted a few different companies, and things looked promising. I owed it all to Natalie. She was the reason I’d put aside my pride and asked for help, and now, I couldn’t believe I’d waited so long to do it. As much as I tried to show her new things and help her spread her wings, she was doing the same for me.
Natalie was becoming more to me than just a friend. When we weren’t together, I would think about her, and I found myself struggling with my feelings. My single life was becoming less appealing as time went on. Every rule I used to live by seemed insignificant when compared to the thought of not having her in my life. Her laugh, her eyes, and the mind-blowing sex all had me questioning my decision not to label our relationship.
For the first time in my life, I wanted to claim someone as mine.
I was getting ready to leave the shop on a Thursday night when Doug came into my office.
