by E. M. Abel
“So, what do you need us to do?” Hailey asked. She took a chip out of a bowl and popped it into her mouth.
“I think we’re all done. The party doesn’t start for another hour, and Marcus is out with Shaun, keeping him busy, so I guess we just wait,” Asia said.
Asia was watching me, and I knew she still wanted to talk, but she was respecting my privacy.
“Well, I say we have our own little pre-party then,” Nick said, picking up a bottle of vodka and holding it above his head.
“Hell yeah!” Mandy shouted.
“I love this girl,” Nick said as he handed her an empty cup. “Nat?”
Nick handed me a cup, and I took it. I could definitely use a drink.
He poured everyone a shot and made a toast, “To love and all the bullshit that comes with it.”
We all tapped cups before drinking.
Luke had moved into Nick’s apartment a few months ago, and he was happier now than I’d ever seen him before. Hailey and John had just gotten back from vacation in Aspen, and she was opening her own furniture boutique downtown in the spring. It seemed like everyone’s lives and relationships were moving forward while I remained stuck in my own indecision. Shaun hadn’t asked me to move in with him, and we never talked about marriage. We both knew the topic of commitment made us uneasy, but I couldn’t help myself from wondering where I would fit into his life without it. It was hard for me to invest all of myself with no promise that he would be there tomorrow.
“What’s going on with you, girl?” Nick asked me as we all went to sit in Asia’s living room.
“Nothing. Why?”
Nick looked around at all the girls in the room before his eyes met mine again. “Don’t pull that bullshit with me, Natalie. We’re all friends here. You’ve been acting different the past few months. You’re more distant. What’s going on?”
I turned to look at my friends, and they were all watching me.
“Is it the baby?” Mandy asked with sympathy in her expression.
Giving up on my defenses, I sighed and ran a hand through my hair. “It’s just hard. I can’t help but wonder why things can’t be simple. Why couldn’t I fall in love, move in with the guy, get time alone with him to just enjoy each other, and then worry about a baby? Not only that, but also it’s not even my baby. Who’s to say that once it gets here, Shaun won’t realize that he doesn’t have time for me anymore? Or maybe he’ll want someone more…I don’t know…domestic.”
“Shaun loves you,” Asia said. “Trust me. I’ve never seen him worry about someone the way he worries about you. You’re all he ever talks about. I think he’s terrified that once the baby is here, you’re going to run, and he doesn’t want to lose you.”
Hailey nodded. “It’s true. I’ve known Shaun for a long time, and you’ve changed him, Natalie. I mean, he’s still a cocky asshole, but when he looks at you, anyone can see the love all over his face. He’d do anything for you.”
“You guys have to talk to each other,” Nick said, putting his hand on my leg.
He knew how hard that would be for me.
I peered up at him before nodding and looking down at my lap. “I know. I just…I’m not sure if I can do it. I mean, what kind of mother would I be? I didn’t exactly grow up with the best example. What if I can’t be the woman he needs me to be?”
“You already are,” Asia said before pouring us another shot.
I had fucking butterflies in my stomach. I was so nervous. Marcus and I were at some swanky jewelry store, and I was trying to find an engagement ring for Natalie. I’d wanted to propose to her for months, but with the baby coming, I didn’t want her to think I was rushing things just to make sure she would stick around. I kept having nightmares where I’d wake up, and a baby would be in bed next to me in Natalie’s place.
If it weren’t for her, I wouldn’t have gotten through any of this. She was always there for me when I needed her, no matter how awkward or uncomfortable the situation. And I knew if she stuck with me through this, she would be there for me through anything. I had no doubt I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, but I wasn’t so sure she felt the same.
I’d tried to give her space. I knew all of this had to be hard to accept. I just hoped our love would be enough to get us through it.
After talking to Marcus, he’d convinced me to take the leap. Stop being a bitch were his exact words.
“So, which one do you think she’d like?” the man behind the counter asked.
I was browsing through the display of engagement rings, and I had no idea. Natalie didn’t wear jewelry. It wasn’t because she didn’t like it, but she just refused to ever spend that kind of money on herself. She would have to get used to it though. I’d just signed a contract with Rip Curl, giving them the rights to my designs, and now, I had six figures in my bank account. I planned to tell her about the deal tonight after I proposed.
“I don’t know, man. What do you think?” I asked Marcus.
He was looking at the watches in the case behind me. “Just go with your gut. Pick the ring that reminds you of her.”
That didn’t help. They were all beautiful, but I had no idea what shape she wanted or what size she wore. There were just too many to choose from. Maybe it was a sign.
What if it’s too soon?
Or too late?
When Marcus pulled into his driveway, I was surprised to see so many cars parked on his street.
“What’s going on?” I asked.
He parked his Chevelle in the driveway, and he shrugged. “I dunno. Maybe one of our neighbors is having a party.”
I knew he was full of shit because I recognized most of the cars, but I decided to play along and not say anything.
When we walked into the front door, I was greeted by my friends and family yelling, “Surprise!”
It looked like Big Bird had exploded all over Marcus and Asia’s house. Yellow was everywhere. I smiled when I saw all my friends standing around with party hats on their heads and a big banner that said, Welcome, Baby Fuller, on it
Asia came to give me a hug. “It’s your baby shower!” she said, her face beaming with pride.
“I see that,” I replied, chuckling, as I hugged her back.
I started searching the room for Natalie, and I relaxed like I always did when I saw her. She was standing off to the side next to Nick. She was dressed in a pair of tight jeans and a low-neck black sweater, and her long hair was pulled back into a ponytail. She smiled at me as I made my way over to her.
“Hey, Killer,” I said before leaning down to kiss her.
Her soft lips pressed against mine, and I closed my eyes, savoring the touch.
When we separated, Asia grabbed my arm and dragged me away from Natalie. She threw me into a big chair decorated with yellow streamers.
“What the fuck is this?” I asked.
“It’s your daddy throne.”
I gave Asia a you’ve-got-to-be-joking look, and she glared at me.
“Just shut up.”
Hailey came over and handed me a beer.
“I could get used to this,” I said as I lounged back in my seat. I took a swig from the bottle.
I turned to find Natalie, but she wasn’t where I’d left her. I wanted her to be a part of this, to celebrate with me, but she wasn’t in the room. My eyes moved to the floor in front of me as my resolve settled in. This was a part of my life that I couldn’t change. I was about to be a father, and as much as I wanted Natalie to be involved, I couldn’t force her. She had to want it, too.
For the next few hours, I kept a smile on my face, and I even played all the stupid games Asia had found online. It was sweet, how much trouble she had gone through to make this shower special for me. She had all my favorite foods and drinks, and all my favorite music.
By the time the party was winding down, I was worn-out and drunk. I saw Natalie throughout the night, but she’d seemed more like an observer than a willing participant.
&n
bsp; Once everyone helped pile all my gifts into my dad’s truck, he offered to give Natalie and me a ride to my apartment since neither of us had our cars. I had set up my spare room with a crib and a changing table, but I wasn’t sure if all this new crap was going to fit. I never realized how much stuff babies needed. Each new thing had come with an explanation of how it worked and when to use it. I could barely keep up, especially with all the beers I’d drunk.
“How did you do it, Dad?” I asked from his backseat since I’d given Natalie shotgun.
“Do what?”
“Raise three kids by yourself.”
He laughed and shook his head. “Your mother was around when all of you were babies. Thank God. She taught me how to change diapers and make bottles. I would have been clueless without her. Honestly, until you were old enough to wipe your own ass, she did most of the work.”
Natalie laughed a little at my dad’s joke, but she didn’t say anything.
“You know how to change diapers, Killer?”
Natalie turned to look at me over her shoulder before her eyes moved to my dad and then back to me. “Yeah, I had to change my sister’s,” she muttered before giving me a small smile.
“Good. Then, you can teach me,” I said, winking at her.
I was trying to cheer her up, and I was hoping that her mood today had nothing to do with me. She gave me that same sad smile before turning around again.
This was supposed to be a celebration. I was about to be a father for the first time, and I’d just signed a contract with Rip Curl, which no one, except Marcus, knew about because I wanted to tell Natalie first. But it seemed like no matter what I had done or how hard I’d tried to show her I loved her, it wasn’t enough. She still wasn’t sure what she wanted, and it was pissing me off.
When we got to my apartment, my dad helped us unload all the gifts from his truck. We took them into the baby’s room, and then he left Natalie and me alone. I was sure he could sense the tension growing between us.
Once the door shut behind him, I went into my room where Natalie was getting ready for bed.
“What’s going on?” I asked as I leaned against the doorway.
“What do you mean?”
Natalie took off her pants, and my eyes followed their descent to the floor.
“You know exactly what I mean, Natalie. With us. What’s going on with us?”
Natalie looked at me, and I could see the apprehension on her face.
Her gaze moved to the floor. “Nothing is going on, Shaun. I’m just tired, that’s all.”
“Bullshit,” I muttered.
Her eyes met mine again.
“You’ve been acting weird for the past few months, and I’ve tried to ignore it. I’ve tried to give you time to figure shit out or to come talk to me, but you haven’t. You’ve just pushed me further and further away. What else do you need from me, Natalie? I fucking love you. I show you all the time. I tell you all the time. What the fuck else can I do?” I was shouting before I finished.
Her eyes were welling up with tears, but I’d needed to get this out. I had to know what she was thinking and if she was going to stay. Natalie sat on the edge of my bed and hung her head as she looked down at her lap. I wanted to go to her, to comfort her, but I couldn’t.
“What would you do?” she asked, turning her head to look at me, as tears streamed down her cheeks.
“What?”
“If the tables were turned, and I was pregnant with another man’s baby. What would you do? Would my love be enough to keep you around? Would you wonder where you fit in? Would you look at my stomach and wish it were your baby inside of me instead of someone else’s? Because those are all the things I’m feeling, and…” She paused when her breath hitched, and more tears fell. “I just don’t know if I belong, Shaun. I’m not your wife. I don’t even live with you. When the baby comes, you’ll be busy taking care of it. You’ll be busy becoming a father. Where will that leave me? How can I allow myself to need you when you don’t need me?”
Coming into the room, I dropped to my knees in front of her, and I took her hands in mine. Natalie peered up at me. Her makeup had smeared under her eyes, and her nose was red and running. She was still the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen.
“You think I don’t need you? I’ve never needed anyone before, Natalie, but I fucking need you. Don’t you get that? Nothing in my life feels right when you’re not around. I don’t know how it feels to be in your position. I probably would have run away as soon as you said you were pregnant with someone else’s child, but I’m not as strong as you. I’m not as selfless and amazing as you are. God, Natalie, I’d do anything to give you the fairy tale, but I can’t. My life is crazy, and sometimes, I fuck up, but I love you. I’ll always love you. Your love is the only thing holding me together.”
Lowering my head, I kissed Natalie’s fingers, and I could feel them shaking before she pulled them from my grasp.
“Please don’t break me, Natalie,” I whispered, peering up at her.
She stared out my window as her tears kept falling. “I have to go.”
I was sitting on a plane to New York with my sunglasses on as I stared out at the clouds beneath me. I was running away, and as much as it had killed me to leave Shaun kneeling on his bedroom floor, I couldn’t stay. I had to get away and clear my head. Luckily, I’d been able to get off of work. I needed time to remember why I’d moved to Virginia in the first place. I was supposed to be finding myself, freeing myself from all the fear and control I’d held on to so tightly, but I was losing my way. I couldn’t think clearly when I was around Shaun. He was intoxicating, and when we were together, he was all I thought about. I forgot about me.
Shaun had a baby coming who deserved his full attention. Everything in his life was about to change. He didn’t need me complicating things and adding to his stress, and I needed time to decide what I wanted. If I was going to do this, I couldn’t have one foot out the door. I had to be all in.
Turning on my phone, I opened the last text I’d sent to Shaun before boarding the plane.
I just need time to think things through. I hope you understand. I love you.
I wasn’t sure if he’d responded since my phone had no connection. Just like the plane I was sitting in, my life felt suspended in midair, and as much as I wanted to fly, I always found myself preparing for the fall.
One Week Later…
I’d spent the last week walking the streets of Manhattan and taking pictures. My sister was waitressing, so she hadn’t had much time to hang out with me, especially since I hadn’t warned her that I was coming. It was fine with me though. I needed time to be alone with my thoughts and my camera.
I’d ended up taking pictures of mothers with their children. I’d focused on each mother’s eyes as she watched her kids laughing and the way she lit up with smiles as if she couldn’t help it.
I tried to imagine my life without Shaun, and the thought alone had brought tears to my eyes. I wouldn’t just be losing him, the first man I’d ever loved. I would have to leave Virginia and the life I’d made there, too—my friends, my new apartment, my job. I would end up right back where I’d started—alone with no hope.
Every time I closed my eyes, I would see Shaun’s response to my text.
I’ll be waiting.
Three Weeks Later…
I was speeding down the highway in my Mustang, weaving in and out of traffic.
“Get out of the way, fucker!” I yelled at the driver in front of me.
Checking my blind spot, I switched lanes just in time to avoid rear-ending his car. I was in a race against time. Shaun had called me two hours ago, saying Rachel’s water had broken. I had been at my second job, waitressing at a local restaurant, and my asshole boss had refused to let me leave until I was finished with all my tables. Apparently, my fiancé’s baby being born hadn’t been a good enough reason to get out of work early.
My phone started ringing in my purse as I took the exit
toward the hospital. It was Shaun.
“I’m coming. I’m sorry. I’m driving as fast as I can.”
Shaun chuckled into the phone, but he sounded nervous. “It’s okay, Killer. Don’t get in a wreck while trying to get here.”
“How’s it going? Is she pushing yet?”
“Yeah, she’s been pushing for a while though. She got an epidural, and she seems to be doing better. I need to get back in there though. She’s all by herself.”
“Seriously?”
“Yeah. Her stepsister is on her way, but she said her parents aren’t coming. I guess they’re pretending this part of her life never happened.”
What assholes. “Okay, well, go. I’m almost there.”
“I love you, Natalie.”
“I love you, too. Now, go!”
I parked my car in the first spot I found. I got my camera and my purse and took off running for the entrance of the hospital. When I made it to the maternity ward, Shaun’s family was sitting in the waiting room.
Asia smiled when I walked in, and she stood up to give me a hug. “How are you? Can you believe this? I can’t wait to find out if it’s a girl or a boy.”
I smiled as I hugged her back. “I’m betting on a girl.”
Pulling back, Asia looked at me skeptically. “Really? I always imagined Shaun having a boy. You know, a little mini Shaun.”
I laughed as I put my purse on an empty chair. “Well, I guess we’ll see.” I went to sit in the seat next to my purse.
“What are you doing?” Rob asked.
I looked around the room, and they were all watching me.
“I’m waiting.”
“Shaun wants you in the room. He’s waiting for you in there,” Rob said.
I looked at Rob and then to his dad. “Are you sure? Will Rachel mind?”
“He already talked to her about it, sweetheart. Go ahead,” Robert said, smiling at me.
“Oh.”
Shaun was about to meet his baby for the first time, and he wanted me to be with him.
Standing up, I made sure to grab my camera, and asked Asia, “Will you keep an eye on my purse?” She nodded and waved me off before I wasted any more time.
