I was amused about how sensitive he seemed to react when it came to my behavior towards him. This could mean only one thing: that my plan was working. I would be able to manipulate him. At least it looked like it.
“I’m sorry, Sir,” I blurted out and tried my best to act emotional and distraught, which wasn’t easy.
White made another pause and eventually patronized me: “I know you care a lot about him, so I will let it slide this time. But I expect obedience from all my subordinates and I dislike backtalk with that specific tone of yours.”
“I apologize,” I managed to say and cast my glance down to the ground, worrying my hands to stop myself from laughing.
I really don’t know why I thought that the scene was ridiculous. After all, I’m still his prisoner, Jay is still his guinea pig and on top of that I am pregnant, with a baby that could turn out to be God knows what.
Kneading my hands did work though. It was calming and helped me stay quiet. Apparently that was all White needed to see and he turned to leave.
During his stay and speech Jay hadn’t moved an inch and it was rather unsettling that White didn’t care about the way he had glared at him. I knew that it should make me worry even more. And, when Dr. Severin finally left, I turned to face Jay, who still was in beast-mode.
As long as he was out of control like that there was no chance of us leaving this place. I needed him to be able to focus, but that wasn’t what was most important now. Jay still stared at the door, as if he was waiting that White’s steps were out of his hearing reach and I had no idea how far it went.
I just looked at him and waited until he would move, and it took longer than I expected. The only thing he did was slowly shift his attention towards me, but it was the change of expression that really got to me.
His look of determination that I mistook for hostile and aggressive towards White was nothing less than him being ready, because as he finally faced me he looked exhausted and tormented.
“What the hell did he do to you?” I thought out loud; I didn’t expect him to answer and he didn’t.
The way our reunion went today already had told me that something was far from alright, but the way he was in this very moment tore me apart. Whatever they had done to him, seeing me shift definitely had been the icing on the cake. I was the only pristine, untainted thing to him, and I was turning into a beast, too. At least I believed so.
I reached out and framed his distorted face with my hands and he instantly closed his eyes and let out a long breath. He relaxed noticeably but not entirely, which worried me even more. So I moved closer, close enough to feel his heat radiate down on me. I let my thumbs brush across his cheek before I let my hands slide down his cheek to wrap my arms around his torso and pull him close, pressing him against my body. Reluctantly; Jay places his arms around my shoulders and rested his face against my head. As he did I started rubbing his back.
I don’t know for how long we stood there and I didn’t care that my feet started to freeze from the cold ground of this cage; I just listened to his heart beat slowing down and to his breaths becoming longer and calmer.
“I’m sorry,” Jay finally whispered and I didn’t need to check his face to know that he had found his way back.
“Don’t be sorry for something you’re not responsible for,” I responded hugging him tightly.
“I’m not responsible for what has happened to you?” He asked, grabbing me by the shoulders and moving me away to look at me earnestly at arm’s length.
“It’s not as bad as you think,” I gave back and turned away to sit down on the disheveled bed.
Of course he followed on my heels.
“How can it not be as bad as I think?” Jay answered.
He didn’t sound angry, but he was definitely very upset. His hand kept clenching into fists and he regularly combed one of them through his hair that had noticeably grown.
“Because Val is using it to engineer a cure,” I responded.
Just then he sat down next to me and froze.
“Val... as in Valerie Winters,” he inquired with a furrowed brow. “Are you serious?”
“Yes,” I nodded briefly. “And I believe her. I’m sure she can pull it off. She has monitored the progress of my infection and because of that she is able to study the behavior of the virus they have created as if it was a natural one. With that she is sure to create a vaccine.”
“A vaccine only helps to prevent an infection, not reverse it,” Jay spoke stressed.
His words felt like a punch into my stomach. I felt utterly stupid.
“Are you sure that she said exactly that?” He asked softly, obviously noticing that I was distraught.
I started rummaging around in my memories, trying to remember the conversations I had with Val, doubting myself and my judgement to trust her. What I had read about her in Jay’s diary should have made me more careful. I had been careful but I had trusted her to not lie to me.
“Anti-virus,” it suddenly came to me and relief washed over my body in an instant, even though I still doubted myself. “She talked about creating a cure, an anti-virus.”
Jay reached out and took my hand.
“She explained it to me using these words. She didn’t say vaccine,” I looked into his eyes, feeling how he gently stroked the back of my hand with his thumb.
“I don’t know if we can really trust her,” he said after a long pause. “But I am willing to try.”
“I have the feeling that she wants to make amends,” I explained my strange trust in her.
“Suddenly everyone wants to make amends,” Jay frowned again and shook his head.
“Who?” I asked scooting a bit closer to him.
“Peter.”
Hearing his name it was me who stopped mid-movement, but it did make sense in a strange way.
“I guess Val talked to him, after all they had a thing. At least that’s what she said. Maybe someone finally reached him and found the switch for his common sense.” I said.
Jay said nothing. Instead he rubbed one hand across his face. I could feel the same tiredness taking over.
“I guess we should try to sleep.” I suggested, but when he instantly dropped into a very deep sleep it was me who was restless.
So, I wrote everything down. I still can’t shake the feeling that I was too easy to trust Val. But do I really trust her? Fact is: I don’t care if the anti-virus works or not. I can’t take it during my pregnancy and I don’t know what it will do to the baby who is a natural born beast and not one that was engineered with the virus that created Jay or was changed by him and infected me.
I don’t mind being a strange creature, a crime against nature and humanity, as long as I have Jay. As long as we are together and have found a place to live and grow old together.
Day 160
When I got up today Jay was already gone. Realizing this, I got a full-on panic attack and I couldn’t calm myself down for minutes. It was only when I noticed that there was a large bag lying in the corner next to the door which leads to our soon-to-be bathroom, that was when I realized that I would see him again, soon. I got up and snatched the crinkled t-shirt he had left there and instantly buried my face in it.
I still hate how I felt about the whole thing. But it’s just that simple: I need him, now more than ever. I can’t imagine having his child without him. I don’t know if I should tell him. I probably should, but I am sure that he won’t allow me to go to the sessions with the other beasts. Or maybe he will if I explain to him my plan with all its details. It makes perfect sense. He would agree, but he would also worry a lot more than without knowing that I am pregnant. I think it’s better not to tell him. But if I don’t, maybe he will insist on me taking the cure before we set our plan in motion. Then again, that I am a beast is an advantage we just have to use against them.
I guess I should stop writing this diary until ... well until it’s done. I can’t risk it being found and exposing everything.
XXX
So much for not writing in this diary... Yes, I have the fake one, but I don’t want to write in it anymore, either. And writing down my experience just helps me cope. It’s the thing that helped me pull through everything. It’s hard to just stop like that.
I met a lot of Beasts being here, but four of them more closely. 10, 16, 20 and 4.
There is ‘Ten’, Jay, my Jay and he is so far away from actually being something I would call beast it is silly. He was a soldier, before that he was an intern at a hospital in New York. He lost his siblings to war and was so devastated by that loss that he signed up and ended up in this program when he thought he would die. The only reason he agreed to this was because of his mother. I know him enough to be able to say that, even though he never mentioned it. But he couldn’t think of his mother being all alone, having lost all her children, and that is exactly what happened to her.
Then there is ‘Sixteen’, which I know as Peter, who is even more tormented than Jay. He is White’s brother, half-brother, also a doctor, and followed his brother into this. He damned himself and I believe that he slowly is realizing this, and he is now looking for redemption. Somehow, even though he was the closest to being a friend, I couldn’t care less about him. But if he really feels like he has to make amends, I will sure as hell use it.
Now I have met ‘Twenty’, the first female beast I have seen more closely, for the second time, and she’s friendly. She appears to be stuck between the human and the beast form and she seems so innocent, so unaware, although she once was Sergeant Nina Torres. I believe that she knows much more about her state than she lets people believe. She might even be faking her state. It’s the way she looks at me with those corroded-copper colored eyes. Almost as if she is trying to communicate with me. To be honest, I think the only reason she trusted me more today was because I smelled of Jay. I did clean myself up, but without a decent shower it wasn’t really possible.
I can’t stop thinking about what Val told me about her. Not only that Nina once was an exceptional soldier, but that this man named Rook was interested in her. The only sensible reason I could come up with was bodyguard, although a part of me suspects worse. Even in her warped state I can see that Nina is beautiful, despite looking as if her face was roughly formed with clay to resemble something like a humanoid cat. She is tall, slender and, yes, beautiful.
The final one I met was later today, after lunch: Four. The number alone freaks me out, because he is what White is threatening me with.
Four can shift, but it’s volatile, just like his behavior. Even though he can control it, he prefers walking around as beast. It scares me, even more because the way he looks at me, it’s like he knows White’s plans in a way I wouldn’t want him to. I have the feeling that White might consider throwing me into Four’s cage despite me living with Jay. Let’s be honest: everything’s possible with White.
All I know about Four is that his name was Daniel. No one wanted to tell me more about him. All I need to know about this guy is his first name to gain his trust, obviously. But I strongly disagree in this case. I trust neither beast nor man. It’s just the way he looks at me. It’s eerie and frightening, despite me being or becoming a beast myself. Maybe it’s because he hasn’t seen a woman in a long time... but wouldn’t Val be checking on him? Or is she afraid of him, too? I don’t know. All I know is that I need to make friends with every beast I meet for my plan to come to fruition, or we will be stuck in this hell forever.
XXX
When I got back into our room I could smell the changes that had been made in the soon-to-be bathroom. The air was rich with a mixture of scents: burnt stone, dust, a strange odor of glue – maybe silicone, and what had to be plaster. The sharpness of my senses took me by surprise and I had to cover my nose and mouth because the first draw of air was too overwhelming.
I sat down and put everything from today onto paper, twice, because I had the time. Jay wasn’t here and he still isn’t. How am I supposed to help him when he’s not around? And when I don’t know what is wrong with him?
The latter however, I can try and explain. Remembering what he wrote and knowing his character he probably has agreed on becoming exactly what White wanted of him: a super soldier killing machine.
What else could haunt him like that?
What else could have him toss around in his sleep that he wakes me up in the middle of the night?
He is having nightmares. And I bet they are even worse than those from the night before.
I need to help him. I need to talk to him, make him talk to me. I know I’m not the right one to demand that from him when I’m not willing to tell him the entire truth. But if he knew on top of what he’s going through that I am pregnant? He's already killing himself because I am a beast now, too. ...Or becoming one.
When I wake up, my clothes are drenched in sweat and my body hurts. I have headaches and I feel sick. It’s definitely too early for morning sickness, so it has to be the virus. It worries me. What if my transition endangers my baby? I am definitely eating well. What they bring me is never enough to satisfy my appetite, but I can’t ask them for more without drawing attention. I have to speak to Val. She will have to supply me with protein bars or something.
Day 161
I didn’t wake up when Jay came in, or when he crashed down beside me. But at least he was still there when I woke up. One of his arms was wrapped around me and held me close. He was still asleep, but mumbling and flinching. That was what woke me up.
I’m right about him having nightmares. I tried to understand what he was murmuring, but it sounded like gibberish. And I didn’t want to wake him with turning around, so I lay there still and placed my hand on his. That’s when I noticed that he was stuck somewhere between man and beast again. The touch, however, calmed him down. His breathing became more relaxed and he stopped talking until he said one thing.
“Meg.”
I wanted to kiss him so badly when I heard him say my name, but I didn’t want to wake him. So I lay there still, determined to talk to him when he woke up.
I must have fallen asleep because when I opened up my eyes again Jay was gone.
Is this White trying to tell me that I’m not important? That he can tear Jay from my side whenever he pleases? What can I do to make this stop? It just supports my decision not to tell Jay about the pregnancy; and I hate it. But if he’s out of control like that and not being able to pull himself together without my help I can’t risk him being distraught knowing about it. I wish I could tell him, but I need to make sure that my plan will work. I already have to trust Val without knowing that I can. I haven’t told her about my plan, yet, but I will have to, soon.
I know I shouldn’t write anything down, but it calms me. I guess I have to focus on writing in the other diary. I can’t risk being caught.
Day 3
This is day three. This is day three of my freedom. Mine and mine alone.
I knew that when it all worked out that I would sit down and bring it all to paper. ...For what? I wasn’t really sure of then, but I am now. I will put these three diaries together and send them to the newspaper I believe would have the guts to believe and publish this. And now, I need to believe that more than ever. This is my testament; this is my honoring of the ones who have fallen; this is to tell the truth, even though no one might believe it.
I know that I need to go back and retell all that has happened, as if it was happening right now. But it’s so hard. Harder than I thought this would be. But, I have to, and I will hold a copy of all the lines that have been written, as a reminder, as a sacred memory, as a tool to tell the ones that remain.
This day was made possible started three days ago. The foundation of this day of hopefully countless days more was paved three days ago. And three days ago was day 244.
Day 244
We had planned this for days, weeks, and I had been the mastermind. Of course, being the person everyone relies on was a pressure I never expected to feel,
but it was me who had come up with all of this.
I knew it was natural to feel the pressure, but expecting it and actually feeling it was so different. Yet, I knew that I had to function, I had to keep a cool head. Because it was me everyone would turn to if they felt uncertain.
In my mind it felt so easy, so logical, so without any doubt that it all would work, so when reality set in I was so nervous that I wanted to throw up and it had nothing to do with my pregnancy. It was all nervousness and self-doubt. I questioned myself, questioned my plan, and questioned everything I had come up with, but once it was set in motion, there was no turning back.
I was on my scheduled meeting of my ‘patients’ that day, and as it was usual this time that White was with me ‘monitoring’ me and them. He had grown suspicious over the days, and so I knew that time was running out. I wasn’t nervous. I was excited. I couldn’t wait to see the expression on his face once my plan was set to motion, and yet I had to be absolutely patient, faking obedience.
This time, when I entered the area in front of Nina’s cage, he was with me, because he finally felt convinced that I had tamed her. He hadn’t been aware of the words I had been whispering to her the last few days, because all of my guards had become used to it that I stepped closed to her, touched her and calmed her down. They didn’t know that I had told her about my plan, they didn’t know that I promised her that she would be the one who would be able to lay fingers – or in this case: claws – on him.
She had become my most trusted student, accepting that she had to pretend to be a tamed little kitty when Black came in like he owned the place, and he sure as hell did. I call him ‘Black’, because he always wears a perfectly tailored black suit. I promised Nina that she would be the one to maul him, and if I couldn’t deliver, it was her who would be able to kill White: the one person I wanted to rip to shreds like no other. And now the day had finally come!
The Beast In Us (The Beast And Me Book 3) Page 13
