“Ryan, you know I would never ask you to do that.”
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She went on as if trying to convince herself as well as me. “I have to start living for me. Doing what’s right for me.”
I understood what Ryan was saying. She couldn’t put her dreams on hold while I got closure with Brenda. But I needed to end things with Brenda the right way, in person and not over the phone.
I wanted to explain to Ryan, to tell her what I was feeling, but I wasn’t sure I understood it fully myself.
How do you end four years of a relationship with thousands of miles between you? If you just ended it over the phone, wouldn’t that mean that the relationship wasn’t very important to begin with? And if it wasn’t important, did that mean that you’d wasted four years of your life?
Was my heart really worth so little? And if it was, how could I ever offer it to Ryan?
“Mia, don’t look so sad. It’s not the end of us. We’re just going to start where most people begin.”
Ryan led me toward the kitchen and the dinner she had made. I sat down and feigned enthusiasm as I listened to her tell me how she had Þ nished the last few projects in the house. I even managed a question or two. But I wasn’t enthusiastic, I was scared. How could I let her know that I was ready to move on with her when Brenda and I still had so many loose ends to tie up? I couldn’t exactly ask her to wait in the wings until I was done cleaning up my life, could I? What if I did tell her how I felt and she decided she didn’t want to deal with all the complications?
The last thought was the glue that sealed my lips. The mess with Brenda was my problem, not Ryan’s. She already had too many things to worry about. The best thing I could do was wait for Brenda to come back so she and I could deal with our situation ourselves.
v
Ryan had promised to wait until I was done with my shower before she started the dishwasher. She would have to wait a long time, because the idea of making love with her tonight Þ lled me with fear.
It would feel too much like good-bye sex. Coming home to her had been wonderful. Making love with her for the last few days had been amazing, and now she was telling me she was going to move out?
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I had to have the worst luck in the world. My chest felt sore and stuffed full of hurt. I was too scared to cry and too sad to get out of the shower and go to Ryan. I had been too hasty, too willing to believe in happily-ever-after despite the failure of my relationship with Brenda.
Maybe I had been too quick to enter into another relationship. Maybe I should give Selena a call; were friends with beneÞ ts so bad? I thought of Selena and her nails and I laughed, a choking sound that sounded like a cough, or maybe it was a gag. I could never do that. It wasn’t my style, and if it was so great, why did Goody spend most of his non-working moments looking for Mr. Right?
A change in the air pressure and a slight breeze of cool air alerted me before I saw the shadow of Ryan’s Þ gure entering the bathroom.
“Mia, it’s me. Can I come in, please?”
“You’re already in, aren’t you?” I tried to sound lighthearted, but I doubt she was convinced.
She opened the glass door and my nervous system went haywire.
She had taken off her clothes. “I meant, can I come inside?”
I stepped back so that she could get in. She cupped her hands beneath the showerhead and pushed water through her hair until it darkened three shades and hung down her back. She opened her eyes and caught me watching her.
“There’s no more hot water,” I said.
“That’s okay. We’ll make our own.”
I looked down and forbade myself from reaching out and pulling her hips toward me. She touched my arm and I fell into her, letting her kiss away some of the hurt.
“You were hiding from me,” she said when the kiss ended.
“No, I was taking a shower.” I managed to keep defensiveness out of my voice.
“Okay, you were hiding from me while taking a shower.”
“I’ll let you Þ nish yours,” I said, reaching for the door handle.
Her palm on the back of my hand stopped me before I could open the door. “I could have taken a shower in my own room.”
I allowed myself to be pulled back until her breasts were pressed into my back. I shivered with both want and fear.
“Tell me,” she said into my ear.
“I don’t want you to move out.” I had to raise my voice to be heard over the water.
She tightened her embrace as if she feared I was going to try
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to break free and run away from her. “You knew I would have to eventually.”
“You’re right. I did. Sorry I’m being so irrational.” I hadn’t meant to sound so sarcastic, but Ryan must have heard it the same way I did, because when I leaned back to look at her I realized that my words had hurt her. This was as hard for her as it was for me, and I was treating her like shit because she was trying to make her own way.
“I’m sorry.” I reached up and cupped the right side of her face.
And I thought she was going to cry. “I’m sorry,” I said again.
We held each other for one long moment. “I’m not leaving you, Mia. There are things I want to do. I just want you to be as proud of me as I am of you.”
“I am proud of you.” I reached down and grabbed her hands. “I love what you do with these.” Ryan’s lips quirked into a smile and I slapped at her shoulder lightly. “You know what I mean.”
“Yes, I do,” she said.
This time when we kissed a Þ re was lit in my lower belly. I backed her up against the shower wall and she jumped when the chill hit her back. I pressed my body against hers and her Þ ngers sank into my wet hair. Our Þ rst night together had been explosive. We couldn’t get enough of each other. Now I felt like I needed to imprint her on my memory, savor everything about her.
I was standing between her legs, pressing into her with my hips.
When I stepped away, she tried to pull me back to her but I slipped a hand between us and touched her with my Þ ngertips. I loved the way she felt, so delicate and so small, yet strong. Capable of handling anything I could dish out and then some. I took her slowly because I wanted it to last.
A small amount of pressure with my thumb to the right of her clitoris, and her hips would increase their slow, rotating grind and start speeding toward orgasm. Slow or not, though, there came a moment when her hips missed a beat and she quickened her pace. The shower all but drowned out the sound of her breathing and I pressed the back of her neck so that her head was resting on my shoulder.
I watched as pleasure infused her face. She threw back her head and closed her eyes. The running water, her cry of release, and her gasps afterward drowned out my voice as I told her what I had no right to.
“I love you,” I whispered. “I love you and I don’t want you to go.”
• 227 •
• 228 •
SUCH A PRETTY FACE
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
Ryan kept her word. She called me at least once a day at work, and if we didn’t see each other after work, she called me before I went to bed. Still, in the two weeks since she had moved out, I missed her terribly.
Not half as much as Pepito, though. He moped around so much that I had to borrow one of Ryan’s T-shirts so that he could sleep with it. I snagged one for myself as well. Ryan had been very adamant about not sleeping at the house because she felt it would be too easy for us to fall back on old habits. Last night had been one of the few occasions I was able to change her mind.
I was walking home from the bus stop, daydreaming about our lovemaking, when a familiar Þ gure standing in front of my house brought me up short.
After four years of living with someone, you’d think you would cease to notice new things about them. I studied Brenda
’s proÞ le as she accepted her bags from the cab driver. I had never thought her beautiful, but she had a magnetism that attracted people of all kinds to her. Brenda would never be lonely, nor would she ever really miss anyone. There would always be someone to hold her attention if she wanted.
Her brown-black hair had grown out and the sun or the same person who had dyed her graying temples had given her highlights where there used to be none. Her long-sleeved shirt was tucked neatly into her jeans and belted, making her look smart if not exactly comfortable. My thoughts turned to Ryan and how comfortable she always looked.
She stood with her hands on her hips and her legs splayed, much as she had when we had Þ rst viewed the house together. I watched her
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step over to the lawn and then look up toward the awnings and trellis that Ryan had painted an almost eye-aching white. Brenda looked as if she was trying to Þ nd fault in something.
As I approached I noticed that the door was ajar, indicating she had already been inside. The idea that Brenda had a key to the door disconcerted me. The fact that she had always had one didn’t matter; after so many months it felt like an invasion. I should feel something.
After four years I should feel something, shouldn’t I?
Brenda had walked back into the house and was turning to close the door when she spotted me. “There you are.” She said it as casually as someone who had been gone for twenty-four hours instead of two and a half months.
“I wasn’t expecting you today,” I said dully.
Brenda had a rakish grin that I had always believed attractive.
Now it felt crass and out of place, like a precursor to something painful.
“I decided to come home early. So you better tell that live-in girlfriend of yours to hightail it out the back door because your wife is home now.”
The words were so close to those Ryan had uttered that a sob wrenched from my throat. Brenda looked shocked and pulled me into a hug. I let her because I needed to lean on something.
“I’m home now. You don’t need to cry.”
I let out a choking laugh and she patted my back as if to say, “let it out.” The laugh had a strangely calming effect. The last of the sobs had stopped when I realized that the whole time I had been clinging to her, what I had taken for comforting back rubs was actually Brenda feeling my body.
“You’ve lost weight!” Her Þ ngers were on my sides now and then went to my arms. “You’ve lost a lot of weight. How much have you lost?”
I sniffed and wiped at my eyes. “I don’t know. I bought a scale about a week ago, but I haven’t been on it yet.”
Brenda’s eyes grew wide. “Where is it?”
“In my bathroom.”
“Let’s go see.” She grabbed my hand and dragged me down the hall and up the stairs. I vaguely wondered where Pepito was and I got my answer when I saw a ß ash of brown, gray, and white shoot beneath the bed. I also spotted several pieces of Brenda’s luggage in the middle
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SUCH A PRETTY FACE
of the ß oor next to the bed, the bed she obviously assumed we would still be sharing. I felt exhausted when I stepped on the scale.
“Here, step off.” She stepped on the scale, smiled at the number she saw there, stepped off, and pushed me forward again. “Step on again.” She glared down at the scale and back up at me. “Do you know how much you weighed before I left?”
I told her because I didn’t care if she knew. I wasn’t ashamed of my weight anymore.
“That means you’ve lost twenty-two pounds.” Her voice was full of awe, and I Þ nally looked down at the scale myself.
“That can’t be right. I would know if I had lost that much.”
“Well, you have. I’m very proud of you, hon. Have you told your mother?”
“I haven’t spoken with my mother in weeks. Even if I had, I doubt I would have told her about this.”
“Really?” Brenda seemed surprised. “I would think you would be crowing about it from the rooftops.”
“Actually, what I’d be crowing about is the fact that I’m working out for an hour, six days a week. I’d probably tell her that I don’t feel as hungry as I used to and I don’t feel like my clothes are as tight. I might even tell her I love feeling strong.”
“That’s great, sweetie. But you know your mom better than anyone.
She won’t care how you did it, just that you did.” Brenda wrapped her arms around my waist and pulled me close. “We should go celebrate.
We could go to that Italian place you used to love eating at.”
“Mia? Did you know the front door was…?” Ryan stopped in the doorway as if a pane of glass had been erected in front of her.
Completely still, she looked from the luggage to Brenda’s arms wrapped around my waist. Pepito scrambled from under the bed. He ran at Ryan and rebounded off the tops of her thighs. I had seen him do this to her before and she would always respond by dropping to her knees and playing with him, but this time she barely looked down at him. Her hair was pulled back in its usual ponytail and she looked freshly showered. Is it possible for someone to become more beautiful in twelve hours?
I wanted to go to her, but something held me back. I looked down and found that Brenda was still holding me around the waist. “Ryan, this is…” I reached down to push Brenda’s hands away.
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GABRIELLE GOLDSBY
“Brenda,” Ryan said without removing her eyes from us.
“I’m sorry, have we met?” Brenda released me and held her hand out.
“No.” Ryan’s voice was stiff, unemotional, and polite. “I’m just the person who did the work on the house.”
Brenda dropped her hand to her side after it became obvious that Ryan had no intention of shaking it. “Oh, has there been some work? I didn’t get a chance to look around the house. Mia and I ran right up to the bedroom as soon as I walked in the door.”
Ryan’s eyes went to mine. The pain on her face was enough for me to wish the mask back in place. “It’s not what it looks like.” I immediately realized how guilty I sounded.
Ryan turned and walked away. I could hear the sound of her footsteps and as she took the stairs three at a time. Pepito ran after her.
“Ryan, wait a minute.” I started after her, but Brenda grabbed my hand.
“Where are you going? I just got back.”
“Damn it, Brenda, let me go.” I wrenched my hand away from her and rushed after Ryan. Pepito was sitting forlornly at the front door.
Ryan was in her car and had already turned on the engine. I don’t know what possessed me, but I ran down the walkway and jumped in front of her car just as she pressed on her gas pedal. She lurched to a stop and I slapped the hood with both hands.
“You promised you wouldn’t ever leave without talking to me,” I screamed.
She stared at me through her windshield. She looked as if she were about to say something, but she bit her bottom lip so hard I wouldn’t have been surprised if she drew blood.
I walked around the side of the car. “Roll down your window,” I pleaded. She hesitated so long that I thought she would refuse before Þ nally cranking the windows down. “Look at me, please?”
She continued to stare out her front windshield even though I was no longer in front of her. “What you saw in there was Brenda pulling me into the bathroom to see how much weight I’d lost. I haven’t seen her in months, and that’s the Þ rst thing she said to me. Ryan. Ryan, please look at me. You and I were just together last night. I could never sleep with her after being with you. Please tell me you believe me.
Whatever else you might think, you have to know that I’m not that kind of person.”
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SUCH A PRETTY FACE
She swallowed and took a deep breath. I took that to mean that she did believe me.
“Will you come back inside and talk to me? Please?”
“Ryan, please don’t go off angry.”
“I’ll call you.” She rolled up her window and I was forced to step away from her car.
I had no choice but to watch her drive away.
v
“I don’t know, Goody. It must be me. I must have something wrong with me that makes women think I’m leaveable.” I had asked Goody to meet me for coffee because there was only so much working out a person could do.
“You must not be that leaveable. Brenda’s back, isn’t she?”
“I can’t even look at her without feeling resentful.”
“Then why don’t you ask her to move out?” Goody sipped on his hot chocolate, frowning a little because, as its name implied, it was hot.
“Because it’s her house too.”
“So, you’re going to end up like a het couple with kids, forever linked because of a house. Do you even like that house?”
I was about to say of course I did, but I couldn’t. When we bought the house I thought it would be the perfect home, now it was just somewhere to sleep. “I miss Ryan,” I blurted. “I miss her so much.”
I picked up my glass of water and brought it to my lips in the hopes that Goody would think some condensation from my glass had somehow leapt into my eye. Goody set his hot chocolate down and his eyes zeroed in on the tears. I wiped at my cheek with a napkin. I laughed in order to keep from turning into a sobbing mess at the table.
“Oh, sweetie.” Goody put his hand over mine. “You’re as dumb as a sack of hammers, aren’t you?” The cutting words did not match the compassion in his eyes.
“Thanks, Goody. I knew I could count on you in my time of need.”
“You know I’m usually behind you, but I’m sorry, you need to
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GABRIELLE GOLDSBY
handle your business a little bit better.” I wanted Goody to just stop talking. I already felt frustrated and trod upon.
Such a Pretty Face Page 26
