by Heidi Rice
She would love to have him there every morning when she woke up, and every single evening when she went to sleep. And the truth was he’d pretty much moved in already, so it wasn’t that big a step. But why did his suggestion make her feel deflated?
‘Cool,’ he said, sweeping her up into his arms, his eyes alight with enthusiasm. ‘I don’t want you living there alone any more, not in your condition. And it makes sense for me to be there when you go into labour. Now let’s go to bed.’
It took her a moment to register the words, to let them sink in past the barrier of hope and optimism, but as soon as they did the fragile barrier began to shatter.
‘Wait a minute,’ she said as he strode towards the bedroom. She wriggled out of his arms, when he didn’t even slow down, flattened a palm against his chest when he tried to scoop her up again. ‘Hold on, Nate. I don’t think you understand what I was trying to say to you.’
‘Come on, Tess, will you quit it with the delaying tactics? Let’s go to bed now. We can talk about the details in the morning.’
‘No, we can’t, because you’re not listening to me.’
He crossed his arms over his chest, his impatience clear. ‘Fine, say what you have to say, but hurry up—I can see how exhausted you are.’
She took a slow breath in, let it out, and tried not to let his overprotectiveness get to her. This could still be the beautiful moment she’d anticipated, if he’d just stop being so damn pushy. ‘I wasn’t talking about you moving in with me. Not specifically.’
‘You are not backing out on this already,’ he said, his voice rising. ‘We had an agreement. You said you liked the idea and—’
‘I know, I know.’ She waved her hands, trying to silence him before he got going again about his responsibilities. ‘And I do like the idea. But you’re missing the point. This isn’t about the baby, or my being pregnant, or anything like that. I’m talking about us making a more permanent arrangement because of the way I feel about you. Because I want us to be together. Because my feelings towards you are much deeper than I ever thought they would be.’ She rushed the last words, desperate to get them said, at last.
But the second they were out of her mouth, she wanted to haul them back.
His brows lowered, and, instead of looking overjoyed or even excited by the news, his expression went completely blank. ‘You’re kidding,’ he said, with about as much enthusiasm as if she’d passed him an unexploded bomb.
She tried to smile, but her lips wouldn’t cooperate, because of the lead football weighing down her stomach.
Part of her wanted to salvage her pride and agree with him, and pretend that she had only been joking, but there was just enough of the reckless girl still inside her to cling onto the small spark of hope that remained. ‘No, I’m not kidding,’ she said patiently. ‘I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’ve fallen in love with you, Nate.’
‘You don’t love me—you can’t,’ he said, the dull tone of his voice, the rigid expression on his face more effective than any slap. ‘You said you didn’t want any emotional entanglements.’
‘Well,’ she said, forcing her lips to curve in what was probably a fairly pathetic attempt at a smile as that small spark sputtered, and died. ‘That’s not quite the response I was hoping for.’
She felt horribly exposed under that cautious, controlled gaze as he remained silent. This was the same way he’d reacted all those weeks ago in the layby. The burning pain in her chest from the feeling of abandonment, of powerlessness, was only partially mitigated by the crippling embarrassment at having read the situation so incorrectly.
Was he trying to think of a delicate way to get out of this? The fresh slice of pain at the thought made her knees shake and the lead ball of emotion choke off her air supply.
‘Look, I should go, you’re right—it’s not what we agreed,’ she said, hurrying past him towards the door. ‘It’s fine really, don’t worry about it.’
Hold it together. Don’t get too worked up. You’ll only make a bigger fool of yourself than you have already.
He grabbed her wrist though, held her still. ‘Tess, wait up. Don’t rush off. It’s not... It’s just a surprise. I wasn’t expecting this.’
She twisted her wrist out of his grasp. ‘Please don’t worry, Nate. As you once said to me, it’s not that big a deal.’ She wanted to get away, before the dam of emotion burst inside her and spilled the thimbleful of dignity she had left. She’d always secretly known she wasn’t really a lovable person. How much more proof did she need?
She made it across the room to the door, and raced outside, sending up a silent prayer of thanks when the lift doors opened instantly.
‘Damn it, come back here, I need to get my boots on.’
She heard Nate crash out of the door after her, probably trying to stamp on his boots as he ran. But the lift doors had already closed when he slapped his palm against them.
She let the tears fall, for the hopes she’d had and the hopes she’d lost. Sinking down against the carpeted wall, she brought her knees up and rubbed her hands over the growing mound of her belly.
She sniffed, scrubbing the moisture away.
It didn’t matter. She couldn’t let it matter. Whatever relationship she and Nate had now wouldn’t be about them any more, it would just have to be about the baby—which was really the way it should have been all along.
She’d told him it wasn’t a big deal. And it really wasn’t. She’d just made a mistake. A stupid mistake.
She ought to be used to it by now. It certainly wouldn’t be the first time.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
NATE slammed his fist against the cottage’s kitchen door, his heartbeat pummelling his chest and his stomach churning in frantic waves of nausea. If she wasn’t here, he didn’t know what the hell he’d do.
He’d raced down the condo’s stairwell after having the elevator doors close in his face, but by the time he’d got to the parking garage there’d been no sign of Tess or the Beemer. He’d tried her cell a couple of times, then given up on that. He could hardly chew her out while she was behind the wheel. What with the time it had taken to race back up to the condo to get his car keys and his wallet and factoring in the stop he’d had to make before hitting the cliff road when he’d realised the Jeep was running on fumes, it was now past midnight.
He could hear the chirp of a nightcrawler coming from the pots of flowers on the porch, but not a sound from inside the cottage. He banged his fist against the door again, ignoring the pain radiating up his arm. He couldn’t feel it. His whole body had gone numb the minute she’d looked at him and told him she wanted them to be together, that she wanted him, that she loved him.
She couldn’t really mean it. That had been his first thought. And then his second had been one of self-preservation.
He’d simply shut down, his mind reeling with a confusing combination of hope, need, vulnerability and blind panic. And before he’d managed to come to his senses, to try and make some sense of his feelings and hers, she’d been disappearing out of the door. And now he didn’t know if she was safe in the cottage bedroom or lying in a pile of mangled metal at the bottom of a cliff.
He took a shuddering breath, eased it out through his teeth.
Don’t go getting melodramatic.
Tramping down on the panic that had seized him through the never-ending ride down the cliff road, he finally had the sense to try the door handle. It turned in his fist, and the door swung open onto the darkened kitchen, the full moon throwing eerie shadows onto the surfaces.
He sighed with relief, then felt his temper kick again. He’d have to have words with her about locking the door.
He heard the soft pad of a footstep and a sharp intake of breath before light blinded him. He cursed, his retinas burning from the sudden blast of fluorescent light.
‘Nate! What the hell are you doing here? It’s the middle of the night.’
He shielded his eyes, until Tess finally came into blurr
y focus. Her slim figure, dressed in a skimpy negligee, stood in the kitchen doorway with her long legs akimbo, her blonde hair falling in disarray around her shoulders, one hand clasped to her breast and the other brandishing a leather-bound book above her head like a weapon.
She’d never looked more beautiful to him in that moment. But bone-shaking relief was soon replaced by temper.
‘What the hell do you think I’m doing here?’ he said, his temper not helped by the painful shot of lust that hit his groin when his gaze accidentally absorbed the shadow of her nipples peaking against the wispy material of her gown. ‘I came to check you got home okay. I told you not to drive back on your own.’
She swore, her chin taking on a mutinous tilt he recognised only too well, before she slammed her makeshift weapon down on the tabletop. ‘I’m perfectly fine, as you can see, apart from the fact that you nearly gave me a heart attack banging on my door and then breaking in here in the middle of the night.’
‘I didn’t have to break in,’ he yelled back, outraged all over again. ‘The door was wide open because you don’t have the sense to lock it before you—’
‘Oh, just go away, will you?’ She stomped off down the corridor, leaving him seething in the kitchen. ‘I’m going back to bed.’
He strode after her. ‘Come back here.’
‘And I don’t want you to join me,’ she added as she shot into the bedroom.
He caught the door before that too slammed in his face. ‘I’m not here for sex,’ he shouted back, but his fury and indignation melted away when he saw the flicker of distress cross her face.
‘Aren’t you?’ she said, that stubborn chin poking out at him. ‘What else is there?’
But he could see her lip trembling, and felt like the worst kind of bastard. He’d hurt her, with that selfish, knee-jerk reaction. And even though he still didn’t really know how to make it right, he knew he had to. ‘Can’t we talk about this?’
She wiped away the tear that spilled over her lid with an impatient fist and he felt as if a hot knife had sliced into his heart. What had he done? Had he wrecked everything?
‘No, I don’t think so,’ she said, the little quaver in her voice crucifying him. ‘It’ll only make this more humiliating.’
‘Humiliating how?’ he said, confused when her chin dropped to her chest and she drew in a ragged breath.
The unshed tears in her eyes made the mossy green luminous in the moonlight as her gaze met his. ‘Do I really have to spell it out, Nate?’
‘Yeah, I guess you do.’ He cradled her cheek, unable to keep from touching her, offering the only comfort he knew how, but her head jerked back, breaking the contact, and he felt the fresh stab of regret.
* * *
She’d made an awful mistake but why would he want to punish her for it?
Tess gave her head a little shake, and looked away. ‘I told you I loved you and you looked horrified.’ She forced her eyes back to his. She couldn’t be a coward now. What would be the point? ‘I don’t know how much more humiliating that could be.’
‘I wasn’t horrified...’
‘Weren’t you?’ she said, not sure if she could bear it if he lied now to spare her feelings. ‘You certainly looked it.’
‘I didn’t...’ He wrenched his hand through his hair. ‘Hell!’ He spun round and stalked into the living area.
She found herself following him, drawn by the need to know. Why had he reacted like that? Maybe he didn’t love her, but wouldn’t it help to know why? Maybe it would ease the grinding pain of knowing she wasn’t good enough. She’d worked long and hard as a teenager to build up her self-
confidence again, to make herself into someone that didn’t have to rely on the approval of others to survive. She couldn’t go back to being that person again, not even for him.
He sank onto the couch and buried his head into his hands, his voice muffled. ‘It wasn’t horror. It was terror.’
She sat beside him. The words sounded as if they had been wrenched out of him.
She pressed her hand to his knee, felt it shudder beneath her fingers, a broken laugh issuing from her lips. ‘What were you terrified of, Nate? I wasn’t going to force you to love me.’
His head turned and those deep blue eyes fixed on her. ‘I wasn’t terrified of you. I was terrified of me.’
‘I don’t get it.’
‘You said that stuff to me. About wanting to be with me. And suddenly I knew I’d been lying to myself. All those dumb excuses, about moving in here for the baby’s sake, or for your sake, they weren’t true. I wanted to move in here for my sake... But I’m terrified of wanting you that much.’ He let out a weary sigh. ‘In case I screw it up.’
He sounded so sincere, and what he was saying should have made her heart soar, but it had soared once before and come crashing back to earth. It was a lot more cautious now. ‘Why would you screw it up?’
‘Because... You know.’ He bobbed his head as if trying to hint at something.
‘No, I don’t know.’
‘Because I’ve wanted stuff like this before. Wanted it so much that I couldn’t control it.’ His voice broke as if in abject misery. ‘And I messed it up then, too.’
She pressed her fingers to her lips, tears of relief welling over the lids. She’d completely overreacted. So what else was new?
‘Tess, why are you crying?’
‘These are tears of happiness,’ she said as the tears dissolved into a bone-deep longing.
She climbed onto his lap, straddled his hips, and wrapped her arms round his shoulders, loving the strong resilient feel of him as his rough palms caressed her thighs. ‘Nate, the chances are we’re both going to mess up from time to time.’ She certainly had, by letting her own insecurities get in the way of seeing that he had insecurities too. ‘There aren’t any guarantees.’
‘I know that,’ he said as his hands stroked, squeezed. ‘But I don’t want to let you down.’
‘This is a journey, not a final destination. You only have to be willing to come on the journey with me. That’s all.’
‘But I’ve never loved anyone before. And I’m pretty sure no one’s ever loved me. I don’t have a clue what I’m doing.’
‘Oh, Nate.’ She buried her face in his neck, taking a deep breath of his scent and loving him all the more.
She hugged him close, and wished that she could reach down inside him to that little boy who should have been adored and yet had been so easily discarded. Was it any surprise that, having come from that, he had no idea how much he was capable of?
‘I’ve never loved anyone before either,’ she admitted. ‘But it can’t be that hard. I’m sure we can figure it out together if we take it one step at a time.’ She cupped his cheek, her heart swelling when he leaned into the caress. ‘And if you promise me not to freak out again, I’ll promise not to overreact.’
His lips tilted up in a grin. ‘I guess I can manage that.’
‘It would also help if you made a promise not to be too overprotective,’ she said, deciding to push her luck. ‘You don’t have to be responsible for me. I’m really rather good at taking care of myself.’
He stared at her, his wandering hands starting to set off little sizzles of electricity to go with the love blooming in her heart. But then he surprised her by shaking his head. ‘No deal, Tess,’ he replied. ‘It’s not responsibility I feel. It’s more than that. I want to take care of you.’ His palm glided over her midriff. ‘And our baby. This would be a lot easier if you’d let me.’
‘I guess I can live with that,’ she murmured, feeling loved and cherished and increasingly foolish for having misconstrued his need to care for her as a need to control her.
She gave a shocked little gasp as his fingers drifted down to the back of her knee, then circled up her thigh under her nightgown. ‘But only on condition that I get to take care of you too,’ she added.
He smiled as she leaned forward to kiss him. ‘Deal.’
She opened
her mouth, let his tongue take possession, sealing their bargain in the best way she knew how. His hands drifted down to cup her buttocks, and she settled against him, when a strange fluttering sensation tickled under her belly button.
She jumped back, dislodging his hands, and nearly toppled off his lap.
‘What the...?’ Nate grabbed hold of her waist and hauled her back. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘Nothing, nothing...’ She grasped his hand, flattened his palm against her belly. ‘I think...’ she said, then felt the sharp little pump again.
‘What is that? Indigestion?’ he asked, looking shocked and puzzled.
‘I think it’s the baby, kicking.’
He cursed and placed both hands on her belly, rubbing the soft cotton of her nightgown over the slight swell. The small movement came again, and his eyes locked on hers, widening in wonder.
‘Wow!’ he whispered, his voice hushed as new tears stung her eyes. ‘That is awesome. He’s a little slugger, isn’t he?’
She quirked a brow. ‘Who says it’s a he?’
He chuckled. ‘With that kick, we both better hope it’s not a billy goat!’
She laughed with him, and they collapsed together onto the couch. The comforting weight of his hand pressed to her belly, the slow murmur of his breathing as they sat together in the moonlight making her feel more secure, more loved than she had since she was a little girl.
‘Come on.’ He stood and scooped her off the couch into his arms.
She fastened her arms around his neck, played with the short curls of hair at his nape. ‘Where are you taking me?’ she asked, putting her best flirtatious grin in place.
‘I’m taking you to bed,’ he said, smiling down at her, the desire in his face tempered by tenderness. ‘So we can start this journey right.’
She clung on, her heart soaring.
One thing was for sure, with Nathaniel Graystone at her side, it would be one heck of a ride.
EPILOGUE
TESS let out a low groan as the pain gripped her abdomen, then panted through the agonising wave that followed and counted it down.
