When wrong feels so right

by Mia Ford

  “Yo, bitches!” he says in that silky smooth voice of his as he slides in. “How’s it hanging?”

  “Hey, Zane,” Brandon shoots back. “I’m just making dinner. You staying for something to eat?”

  Zane smirks at me and gives me a wink. I instantly shiver, I can’t hide it, but I know that isn’t something special. He acts that way with everyone. But still, it feels nice when it comes my way.

  “I could eat, but I’m not here for long, and you aren’t either. We’re going to the Smith party tonight.”

  Smith. He means Sally Smith, the cheerleader in my school class. This is a party that I probably should be going to, but I haven’t been invited. I never get invited to anything like this. I always say I wouldn’t go even if I was, but I know for a fact that I would. Especially knowing that Zane’s going to be there.

  “We are?” I sigh loudly as Brandon agrees with Zane. “Oh, awesome, alright.”

  A thick silence clings to the air for a couple of moments, although if I’m honest it’s probably just my anger. I don’t want Zane to be at the clutches of all those other girls. I want him to stay here with me. No that I’d dare ask. I probably wouldn’t even be able to work up the courage if Brandon wasn’t here.

  “I’m headed upstairs.” I point behind me and slowly move backwards. “See you guys later.”

  Hot tears sting at the back of my eyes as I try to get away before the humiliation that I’m simply not in their world. I need the privacy of my own world to fall apart in. This is the tragic side of having a crush on Zane, it isn’t all secretive fun. Knowing when he’s hooking up with someone else hurts. A lot, actually. Too damn much.

  “What about dinner?” Brandon calls up behind me. He probably feels bad for me… again.

  “I’ll get it later. Please, leave it in the oven and I’ll grab it when I’m done with homework. Thank you.”

  Once in my room, I drag the sweater back onto my body, returning to the real me. I’m never going to be the girl that captivates Zane, that simply isn’t me. Maybe it’ll be better if he doesn’t hang around after Brandon goes to college. Maybe it’s time to start trying to move on…

  Chapter Two – Zane

  “Everything alright with Leah?” I ask Brandon cautiously. I know he worries about her a lot, he feels responsible for her because they don’t have their parents around anymore. I think he spends so much time focusing on that he forgets that she’s a damn adult now. She’s growing up fast and it’s time for him to let go.

  She’s got hot actually, not that I think she knows it. She’s got a gorgeous pixie look about her. A sweet innocence that draws me in and drives me wild. Not that I would ever act on those feelings, for Brandon. And anyway, I’m enjoying playing the field for the moment. I’m young, girls fling themselves at me, so why would I even think about settling down? I can’t just sleep with Leah, she isn’t for that. She’s a long term girl.

  One day, she’ll find a nice boy. A teacher or a scientist, someone who can romance her and treat her right. Leah’s the sort of girl who will marry the first person that she sleeps with, and she’ll have kids running around her feet. She’s safe, not one for danger, and I don’t even think she likes the idea of risk. It doesn’t turn her on. It’s a shame, because I know if I could get hold of that body I would know exactly how to corrupt her and send her wild… but I really can’t. that would be so damn wrong of me on so many levels. I have to resist.

  “I don’t know,” Brandon sighs. “I don’t know if she’s having trouble with those girls again…”

  I roll my eyes, wondering if his interfering is hindering rather than helping. I know that his intentions are good but I don’t know if he always goes about it in the right way. I wish I could tell him that much. But I can’t get involved in family business. That’s just not my place to do so. My family isn’t exactly perfect anyway. I have enough of my own problems to contend with… or avoid, which is probably much closer to the truth.

  “Well, I’m sure she’ll find a way to sort it out, mate,” I reply kindly. “She’s tougher than you think.”

  Brandon brings the plates of food to the table without answering me. He makes one up for Leah and sticks it in the oven for her to eat later. It’s a shame that she doesn’t want to eat with us but I think I make her uncomfortable. Maybe it’s because I’ve hooked up with some of the girls who are bitches to her.

  “Thanks for this. Mm, lasagna. Your cooking is top notch, mate. You’re going to kill it in college!”

  Despite us sharing a party lifestyle, Brandon has still managed to get good grades which will help him in college. He’ll be a lawyer or something else that needs a lot of brains. I’m happy for him, it’s awesome that he’s got a good future in front of him once high school ends. I’m happy and only a little bit jealous. I mean, college isn’t for me anyway, it was never going to be, but the fact that he’s escaping this place to go somewhere else is awesome, but it’ll leave me with nowhere to go which gets me. It isn’t going to be easy for me to make enough cash to move out of my family home which means it’ll take time. I’ll be stuck there until I can sort it out.

  My dad, who constantly feels the need to remind me that he’s a very important man, that the surname Morris means something, could afford to get me an apartment, he’s absolutely minted, but he won’t. Not unless I live my life as he wants me to. He’s a controlling man who thinks everyone should do what he wants. He hates my motorbike, he hates my tattoos, basically I’m just a disappointment to him all round. That’s why I spend so much of my time here. I’m just going to have to knuckle down and work hard so I can get out into my own place fast.

  “Let’s eat this quick,” Brandon says decisively. “Then we can get to that party soon. I need a damn drink!”

  “Here, here!” I raise my glass of water and clink it against his playfully. “Let’s do it.”

  We scoff our food quickly, laughing and joking as we do, but I can see the strain behind Brandon’s eyes the entire time. He’s worrying about his sister, worrying about going to college and leaving his family behind, worrying about everything. I need to get him out of this fuck to have some fun. Once he gets near the girls at the party and he’s got some booze in his system he’ll relax and be a lot happier. This is our final year of high school, it’s the perfect time to have a lot of fun. Brandon needs this, even more than I do. He needs to loosen up.

  “Right, come on.” I grab the spare motorbike helmet and toss it at him. “It’s time to head off.”

  “Leah!” Brandon yells up the stairs, refusing to go without saying goodbye. “We’re off now, okay?”

  It’s a few seconds before he gets a reply. I can tell that Leah’s voice is thick with emotion, which makes me feel bad, but she’s an introvert. I think she does much better when she’s alone to sort herself out. And it isn’t like she doesn’t have friends of her own, even if it isn’t this particular group of people. She’ll be fine.

  “Have fun!” she calls back with an unbearable falsity. “I’ll see you later on.”

  I can see Brandon about to waver, so I grip onto his arm and drag him towards the door. I have a whole lot of pent up energy and sexual frustration that needs somewhere to go, sitting around in the Hawkin household won’t help. I need to be with loud music, with drink, with women. I need to be at a party.

  I hop onto my bike with Brandon on the back and I feel the incredible horse power of the engine between my thighs. This is something that my father wouldn’t understand, this is the side of my life that he doesn’t even try to get, this is what makes me, me. My motorbike is a part of me, it’s like another limb, I wouldn’t be Zane Morris without it. Bringing it to life, roaring along the roads at high speeds, feeling the wind whipping through my hair and over my skin, it makes me feel alive. I couldn’t give it up, not for anyone or anything.

  It isn’t just my parents who don’t like my bike, it’s Brandon’s mother as well. She’s heard the rumors that I’m in a motorbike gang which is
complete crap, but I can’t make her change her mind. I just have to accept who I am and how that makes other people feel. At least her hatred isn’t enough that she doesn’t stop me hanging out with Brandon. I’m sure she doesn’t like it, but she begrudgingly lets it happen.

  People look at me as I whiz along the road, I can feel eyes all over my body, which is a sensation I enjoy. I’m an extrovert, a show off, I like people to know that I’m different and that I don’t conform. It’s awesome and gives me power. It makes me hold my head high and jut out my chin with pride and joy.

  Finally, we reach a home that I suppose would be more considered a mansion. Sally Smith is loaded, probably close to the wealth that my family had, but she’s lucky enough to have parents who travel a lot so they aren’t around. If my family had the decency to head off around the world on a jet set lifestyle, then I could have parties too. Still, at least this way I don’t have to deal with the clean up afterwards. That must suck.

  The music is already pounding, it’s blasting down the streets, and we can hear people yelling and shrieking with excitement. People came here immediately after school so there are probably a lot of wasted idiots in there. It’s just lucky that the other people who live on this road know not to bother complaining. The cops are all under the spell of Sally so nothing ever happens. She’s one of those privileged people who life will be kind to.

  “You ready?” I ask Brandon with a smirk. “Sounds like a good night, right?”

  He doesn’t look convinced, I can tell that he’s still worrying about his life back home, so I throw my arm over his shoulder and I guide him inside. Sweaty, dancing bodies fill every single room. Every single cool person in the school is here. Almost right away, I spot Rosa. She’s been grafting me for weeks, trying desperately to throw herself at me. With her pouty lips and her exotic smile, of course I’m attracted to her, but it just hasn’t happened yet. Not that I’d tell her, but I’ve been having a little thing with her friend, Nora, and I’ve been waiting for that to peter out first. I think me and Nora are done now, I’ve grown bored, so there’s nothing holding me back.

  “Hey there,” Rosa calls out while wiggling her hips towards me in a sultry manner. “Good to see you.”

  “Yeah, you too.” I take the red cup of booze from her and run my eyes up and down her body, looking at her curves and her luscious breasts which are pressed out towards me. “I like your mini skirt.”

  Maybe it’s too revealing, it doesn’t leave anything to the imagination, but it serves a purpose for tonight. I can easily yank that up, slide her underwear to the side, and dive into her. There are plenty of rooms in this place, I know for a fact that I’ll be able to get us some space. This house is basically a shag pad anyway.

  “You like it?” She giggles in a flirty manner while flicking her hair. “Then you should see this…”

  Rosa slides her skirt up further to show me a small, very fresh snake tattoo that she has on her leg. It’s a little like the cobra that I have twisted around my arm. I think that she’s done this to turn me on but it actually has the opposite effect. It’s too serious, it’s weird, I don’t like it one bit. Actually, it makes me uncomfortable.

  “Oh.” I force a fake smile onto my lips. “That’s cool. Real nice. Where did you get that done?”

  She rambles on to me, explaining just how she got her tattoo done, but I barely pay any attention. Instead, my focus is on Brandon. He’s talking to someone, he has a drink in his hand, but he doesn’t look happy. The stress hasn’t gone anywhere. I feel bad for him, I wish I could do something to take this away from him. No, I don’t just wish. I’m going to actually try. Screw concentrating on my needs, I need to do something for him. Brandon’s presence has saved my life over and over again. It’s time for me to repay the favor.

  “I have to go, Rosa,” I tell her, maybe a little coldly. Tonight, isn’t going to be the night. Maybe it won’t happen at all now. She’s shut my cock down with that tattoo rapidly and I don’t think it’s coming back up again any time soon. “I’ll see you a bit later on.”

  I grab Brandon and I drag him outside, focusing on him instead of getting laid. I don’t think I’m really feeling it anyway. There’s a pool, we can go swimming, we can drink and have a laugh. We don’t even need to worry about anyone else. They can all just be background noise.

  Chapter Three – Leah

  “Urgh, Mr. Turner was a dick today, wasn’t he?” my best friend, Mandi, declares with an eye roll. “Does he not understand that no one in the world cares about maths, like he does? Honestly, what a douche bag!”

  “Mmm, I know. Yeah.” To be honest, my problem with the day wasn’t any of the teachers, it was all the gossip that had been circulating all day long. Everyone was talking about the party last night and it wound me up. I couldn’t stand listening to it, especially since I hadn’t gotten any sleep. It cut me deep. No one had said much about Zane specifically, but I still didn’t like it. I’m not in their world, and it just reminds me that I need to move on. I don’t want to, there are so many reasons why I want to remain where I am because when it’s good it feels really good, but the bad parts are getting more painful and more regular. “Sure.”

  Almost as if I’ve conjured him up by simply thinking about him, the rumble of a bike engine bursts loudly in the background. Without even thinking about my reaction, I spin rapidly and gasp as I see him. My heart instantly races at a million miles an hour, my body shudders and freaks out, I can barely stand, my legs are barely there.

  Then, as if to make it worse, he skids his bike to the side of the road and he parks up next to me. Everything freezes as he lifts the helmet from his head, I can feel the breath getting stuck in my lungs.

  “Hey there, little Hawkin,” he says with a playful smirk, killing me inside. “How’s it going?”

  “Er, yeah good.” My entire face flames with a deep redness, which of course only makes me even more embarrassed. I can barely even look him in the eye as I speak. “How, erm, how was your day?”

  I can feel myself stammering and making myself look like an idiot. It’s awful, why the hell can’t I be cool? Why can’t I be like the other girls in our class who are smooth and great at flirting? What is wrong with me? Especially when I’ve known this person for a very long time. I know Zane well, surely I should be okay?

  “Oh, good. You know how it is.” Zane nods and scans his eyes over my head. “School is school.”

  “You’ll be done with it soon. I bet you can’t wait?” I look up at him hopefully through my eyelashes as I finally find my voice. Not that I really know what I’m hoping for. “Then it’s out into the big wide world.”

  “Yeah, I can’t wait.” He chuckles loudly. “It’ll be awesome to escape this madness. I think I’ll be over to yours in a bit after I’ve popped home, so I guess I’ll see you in a bit, yeah?” He rubs the top of my head, mussing up my hair in a gesture that’s a bit too friendly for my liking. Any attempt at flirting isn’t working, that much is clear. Not that I’m doing a good job of it anyway. “Good to see you, Little Hawkin. Always a pleasure.”

  As he drives away, I feel myself stagger backwards with shock. My knees give out, my heart starts pumping again, hot blood races through my system. I can feel a burning heat in my ears, I’m a mess.

  “Woah, are you okay?” Mandi chuckles while hooking her hand under my arm. “You’re falling apart.”

  “I… I know,” I gasp while clutching onto my chest trying to calm myself down. “You know how it is.”

  Mandi is very aware of my crush on Zane, she’s the only one that I’ve been able to confide in. Even if my mom was around more, I wouldn’t be able to talk to her about it because she doesn’t like Zane. She thinks he’s a terrible person who brings danger with him. Of course, that’s only because she hasn’t bothered to get to know him. If she gave him the time of day, I’m sure she would fall for him just like everyone else does.

  “Oh, Leah,” Mandi groans. “You still got the feels for
him? When the hell are you going to do something about that? You have felt like this for as long as I can remember and it isn’t healthy. You need to learn to speak, to flirt with him, to let him know how you feel. This is going to kill you of you don’t.”

  I moan, knowing that she’s right, but I also understand that I can’t. “You know for a fact that I would love to, but I don’t have the confidence. And it’s also Brandon. He would truly lose his shit.”

  “Oh yeah… remember when Max called your house that day?” Mandi gasps. “He wanted help with his science homework and he ended up with a barrage of abuse from your brother. That was wild.”

  I’d almost forgotten about that, it seems like it happened forever ago, but that did happen. Max wouldn’t speak to me for a very long time after that. I don’t know what Brandon said to him, but it freaked him out. I’m sure a fight would break out between him and Brandon if it came down to it. No one wants that to happen.

  “So, you see why I can’t talk to him about this?” I ask her with an eyebrow cocked. “He would flip.”

  Mandi nods slowly. “I suppose you’re right. He wouldn’t like it. But that doesn’t mean you should hold back forever. I mean, what if this is the guy that you’re supposed to end up with?”

  I sigh loudly, only wishing that could be the case. The problem is if I allow myself to start delving down that fantasy route I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to pull myself out of it. I’ll start imagining weddings and children, I’ll start getting myself all kinds of upset when it doesn’t actually happen in the end.