When wrong feels so right

by Mia Ford

  “He’s just a fuck boy, isn’t he?” I try to avert the topic in the best way that I can. “He screws around. He isn’t a happy ever after type. Ruining things with Brandon for a fuck boy isn’t the best idea.”

  “Even fuck boys can be turned into good guys if they’re given the right woman.”

  I do not want to think about the right woman, so I hook my arm through hers and I drag her along with me.

  “Come on, let’s go back to mine, we can do some homework together. Brandon will cook for you.”

  “Are you just asking me this because you need some support with Zane?” Mandi asks in a disbelieving tone, giving me a look. “Because I’m happy to do it, I just want to know what my purpose is?”

  I suppose in a way that was what I wanted, but now I can see that’s dumb. If I’m actually going to pull my head out of my ass and forget about Zane then I need to start now. Clinging on to something that isn’t real, is pointless. Especially when it’s a potentially hurtful secret. It’s time to let him get away.

  “No, we won’t even go downstairs. We’ll hang out in my room and eat there. Just us girls.”

  Mandi smiles at me, almost as if she knows what this means. I know that it doesn’t matter what I go through, she will always be there for me. She’s one of those friends I’ll have for life. I’m really lucky to have her.

  We half skip all the way back, giggling girlishly, and we instantly head up into my room. I’m careful not to drop anything on the stairs this time so I don’t have any reason to come back down again, at least not after I tell Brandon that Mandi is here to eat. Thankfully he doesn’t mind that at all. He’s happy for her to be here.

  Once in my room, Mandi broaches the subject once more. “You know, everything that your brother does is because he cares about you. I’m sure if you told him what’s going on with you he would be okay.”

  “Oh yeah? And how would I broach that? ‘Hey, Brandon, I like your friend who’s a play boy. You’re cool with us hanging out and hooking up?’ Sure, that will go down really well. Can you imagine it?”

  “Well, I don’t think I would be so blunt about it,” Mandi laughs. “But maybe in a gentler way.”

  I roll my eyes and ignore her, I know that I can’t. She knows it too, deep down, she’s just trying to be kind.

  “Let’s not talk about it anymore,” I insist. “Let’s just get on with some work.”

  We pull our books out and scatter them across the floor, and we get to work on the bits and pieces that we have to do, but I have to admit that I don’t totally let it go. I keep one ear towards the floor, trying to listen out for Zane. I hear Brandon pottering around a lot, but it’s very quiet. He’s always by himself. Zane hasn’t turned up which is weird. He always comes around, every day pretty much. And he said that he was going to come around when I spoke to him earlier. It feels really weird. I can’t work out what it might be.

  Maybe it’s a crash. That thought suddenly pops up into my brain like an unwelcome worm. What if he’s crashed his bike? What if he’s dead somewhere? I shake my head rapidly. No, don’t be stupid. He’s probably just on a date or something. With some other girl. It’s nothing to worry about.

  But as I walk down the stairs to let Mandi out, he still hasn’t turned up. Out the corner of my eye I can see Brandon sitting in front of the TV screen, watching what appears to be a gangster movie. As soon as Mandi’s gone, I go to join him with a questioning look on my face.

  “You all alone?” I ask him carefully. “That’s rare. What’s going on?”

  “Oh, well Zane had some of his own stuff going on tonight.” He looks a little tight lipped as he says this. “And I needed to sort through some letters from colleges anyway, so it’s all good.”

  “College stuff? Any news?” He shakes his head while looking down. I don’t know why he’s so worried. He’s got the best chance ever to get into wherever he wants. “Oh, well you’ll get good news soon.”

  I lean back on the chair and stare blankly at the screen, wondering what’s going on. Something must have happened, and I don’t know what it might be. Much as me and Brandon have a close relationship, because it’s more like parent and child rather than brother and sister, I don’t always feel like I can speak to him about stuff. There’s a wall in the way keeping us apart, which is a real shame. I’m sure if Dad was still here then things would be very different. If I really think about it. Every aspect of my life would be different, and probably in a better way. That drunk driver didn’t just destroy my father, he took away a part of all of us on that day.

  “Mandi is a good friend to you, isn’t she?” he asked me quietly, seemingly still worrying about the long forgotten trouble I had with those girls what feels like a lifetime ago now. “I like her a lot.”

  “Oh, she’s the best. I don’t know what I’d do without her.”

  “Yeah, same for me and Zane. He’s been my rock.”

  As if I didn’t feel bad enough, now I feel utterly awful. I need to stop these feelings before they threaten the few things that I actually have left!

  Chapter Four – Zane

  I have an inflated sense of confidence as I stroll through the front door to my massive, cold home which most people admire even though they shouldn’t. It might look nice on the outside but it’s soul sucking on the inside. There’s no real family or warmth and that’s why I don’t like being here. I don’t know what it is, but I don’t think anything can get to me today. After that small conversation with Leah I can’t keep the smile off my face.

  If she’s in a good place then Brandon will be happier too. I eventually managed to pull him out of his shell at the party last night and I want to keep him there. He deserves to feel loads of positivity.

  Even though I don’t want to, I always pop home for a few moments after school, just to keep Mom happy. When I used to avoid it for days at a time, she would worry so much and I don’t want that. Maybe we aren’t the closest of families, but I do what I can to keep her happy. I think she’s buried a lot by my dad, she doesn’t feel like she has much of a voice, and I don’t want to ignore her either. I don’t want to bury her like he does.

  “Hello!” I call out in a sing song tone of voice. “Is anyone here?”

  I wander from room to room, trying to find anyone, and soon I see Mom. She’s hunched over, looking stressed. As she glances up to look at me, I see a lot of myself reflected in her. She’s got the same dark hair and green eyes. I think I take after her a lot more than I do my father. I get my height from him, but that’s about it.

  “Mom?” I narrow my eyes at her curiously. “Is everything okay?”

  She bites down on her bottom lip and gives me a look. I can see agony behind her gaze, which makes my heart stop dead in my chest. Something bad has happened, now it’s up to me to figure out what it is.

  “I’m sorry,” she mutters at me, almost silently. “I didn’t have anything to do with this.”

  Oh God, that means my dad has been meddling about in my life again. It’s not the first time and I’m sure it won’t be the last either, but it still makes me groan internally. I hate it when he does anything, it’s never what I want. I rack through my brains, trying to work out where he could be meddling, but I can’t figure it out.

  Then I sense his shadow behind me. His looming, unwelcome presence that’s here to destroy my day.

  “Ah, son, you’re home.” He sounds much too self-satisfied for my liking. That isn’t going to work out well for me. “Good, there are certain things that I want to talk to you about.”

  I roll my eyes before slowly turning to face him. I know that he’s a powerful man in his company, and he’s known for being ruthless and stamping over everyone to get to where he needs to be, but I don’t think that he needs to be that way at home too. I think he could let it go if he really wanted to, but he never does.

  “What’s that, Dad? Because I have somewhere that I need to be tonight, if you don’t mind?”

  “Oh, you aren�
��t going anywhere tonight.” He indicates for me to sit down, and annoyingly I actually do it. “We have a lot to discuss and since it involves your future I think it’s best if you just sit there and listen.”

  “You don’t need to worry about my future, thank you very much, I have it sorted.”

  “Oh yeah?” Dad folds his arms across his chest and I see Mom behind him shrinking in on herself. “Please, enlighten me with this wonderful plan that you have. I’m sure that we’re all dying to hear it.”

  I part my lips, desperate for an amazing idea to come out, but truth be told I haven’t thought much about it. I know what I want to do, I want to work with bikes, but as for a laid out idea, I don’t have one.

  “Yes, that’s what I thought.” Dad nods, happy with himself. “So, since you don’t have an amazing idea, I’m going to tell you what you’re going to do. Luckily for you, I have a lot of pull at some of the top colleges in the country, and I’ve managed to get you a place on a medical course in California…”

  “Medical course?” I screw my nose up in disgust. “I can’t do a medical course. I don’t even have any interest in medicine, and isn’t that something that you need really good grades for? That’s just not happening.”

  “Son, you are smart, we all know that. You just don’t apply yourself, and I don’t know if you remember, but you dreamt when you were about eight years old being a doctor, so now I’m making that dream come true.”

  “Are you kidding?” I leap up so quickly that something falls to the ground with a thud. I don’t even bother to look what it is. “When I was eight? That’s the most insane thing I’ve ever heard. Do you even listen to yourself?”

  “Well, you haven’t had any good ideas since, so why not go with this one?” He offers me a one shouldered shrug. “It’s certainly the smartest thing that I’ve ever heard you say so we’re going with it. Also, this course I have you on is perfect for you. You’ll do a one year foundation course to make up for the lack of grades that we all know that you’re going to end up with after high school, especially if you sabotage yourself, and then you will be given the chance to do something productive with your life. Does that not sound like a good idea?”

  “No, it doesn’t!” I throw my hands above my head in shock. “I can’t believe you are even suggesting this, Dad. I’m in control of my own future. I’m an adult now. This is nothing to do with you.”

  I break off panting, anger tearing violently through my system. I knew that my dad was a control freak, he’s always been like that, but this is one step too far, this is utterly unforgivable.

  “You intend to send me away. Just to get rid of me, in a way that makes you feel better about yourself. Do you not understand that I don’t want anything to do with your plan? I have my own ideas.”

  “You have nothing.” My dad explodes in temper, slamming his fists on the table. “If you are left to your own devices then you’ll end up doing absolutely nothing. Don’t you understand that I’m doing this because I love you? I want what’s best for you. I want you to have it all. I’m willing to pay for your education, I want to fund you while you’re getting your education, and I’ll support you through your medical career too.”

  I try to picture myself in a medical career. Much as I know it’ll be worthwhile and it’ll be a great job, all I can see is the sadness in my eyes. It won’t be me, I won’t be happy. I need to be myself.

  “Mom?” I glance behind Dad’s back and give her a pleading look. “Help me?”

  She refuses to look at me, it’s almost as if she can’t drag her eyes off the ground. Dad has gotten to her. He’s under her skin and there’s no way she can climb out of it. “Son, we both want what’s best for you. I think this might be a good thing for you to do. You need to get away from here, to try a different life, to see if it’s better.”

  Urgh, this is killer. I want to get away, I really do, but it’s them I want to escape. And I want to do it on my terms, not theirs. I don’t want them to have any effect on my future.

  “See? We both think that this is for the best.” Again, with the smug voice, Dad smiles at me. “Your mother understands that this is for the best and I think it’s time for you to grow up and see it too.”

  Rage bubbles, I can’t contain it any longer. I’m not a violent person but I can feel myself about to punch a wall or something in frustration. I walked in this house tonight with a positive attitude and they’ve just sucked it right out of me. How the hell am I supposed to deal with this? It’s a nightmare and one that I’ve just had flung on me. The terrible thing about my father is that he always ends up getting his own way. That’s just his nature.

  “So, that’s it?” I ask, needing clarification. “This is what’s happening now? I’m doing what you want, forgetting what I want, and becoming… what? Something in the medical industry just because?”

  “It’s not ‘just because’. It’s because I know what’s best for you and one day you’ll thank me.”

  I let out a grunt of frustration and storm from the room. There’s no way I’m standing around here and listening to another moment of this. I need to get out of this claustrophobic environment so I can finally breathe. I’m supposed to be headed to Brandon’s house, we have this whole night planned, but I don’t think I can face him. I’m afraid that he might agree with my dad and he might assume that I’d be better off at college. He hasn’t ever commented on my future plans before but I suppose we haven’t really discussed it. I haven’t ever brought it up and nor has he. This might be the chance for him to finally air out his feelings.

  I sit atop my bike and grab out my cell phone. I scroll through the numbers until I find Rosa’s name. She might be annoying and the tattoo might be a bit creepy, but I just need someone tonight and she’ll do. She’s definitely still more than up for it and as long as I don’t let her talk then it’ll be just fine.

  “Rosa,” I grunt into the phone, sounding more cave man than a decent person. “You up?”

  “Oh, my goodness,” she squeals, instantly knowing what this means. It’s like a code, two words that mean so much more. You up. So simple. “Yes, of course I’m up. You know where I live, don’t you?”

  “Sure, I know.” I slide my eyes closed in dismay. This isn’t where I thought this night would head. “I’m on the bike now, so it won’t be long until I arrive. You might as well get down to your underwear.”

  She makes an excitable noise, which leaves me wondering if this is something I should regret. But then, if it’s dealing with Rosa who has the potential to turn into a stalker, or facing my future then the choice is obvious. I’ll do absolutely anything to put that behind me for the time being. I just need to forget.

  I bring the bike to life and I roar along the road with a horrible sense of dissatisfaction in my chest. I’m disgusted with my father, I know controlling he is in my life. It sucks. And even worse is my mother simply allowing it to happen, as if she thinks that’s a good idea. Everyone else gets to choose whatever the hell they want to do with their future and I’m having that stripped away from me. I haven’t ever felt so helpless in my life. The more I think about it, the less I know how I’m going to get out of this.

  Fuck my life!

  Chapter Five – Leah

  Zane’s visits seem to get less frequent over the next couple of weeks. I don’t know what it is, but all of a sudden, he isn’t around quite as much anymore. When I attempt to bring it up to Brandon he shuts down a little, mentioning something about a new fling in his life taking up all of his time. To be honest, that doesn’t hurt as much as the look on my brother’s face whenever I bring it up. It seems like there’s something more going on here, but I don’t know what it is. I wish I could find out because it’s causing a lot of tension in the house.

  “So,” Mom says with a smile as she presents us both with breakfast. Since she isn’t around much, she likes to do what she can when she is here. “What’s going on with you two? It feels like it’s been forever since we l
ast talked. How’s school? How’s… I don’t know life?” She laughs awkwardly. “Anything, come on, tell me.”

  I glance at Brandon, hoping that he’s going to go first but his eyes are fixed on his food. He definitely doesn’t want to talk. I sigh loudly, assuming that it’s up to me. Only, I don’t really have anything to say.

  “Erm, school is good,” I say slowly. “It’s just the same as normal, you know how it is.”

  “Right, I see.” Mom seems to sense something going on with Brandon because she turns her attention to him. “What about you?” Brandon gives Mom a half smile but doesn’t say anything. “Hey, it’s your birthday coming up soon, isn’t it? Eighteen years old. We better have a real party, hadn’t we?” She gives him a desperate look, trying her hardest, but still Brandon’s are sky high. “You’ll want to celebrate, especially when it’s the last one that you’ll have here. The next one you’ll be celebrating at college, won’t you? This is important…”

  “No, Mom, I don’t want anything,” he replies sullenly, still not looking up. “I don’t want to worry about anything else but school at the moment. I don’t want to be thinking about partying or birthdays or whatever.”

  This is shocking. My brother loves a party and I’ve heard him talking about his eighteenth for years. I instantly know that I need to step in and help Brandon feel okay again. If this is because of Zane, then it sucks. It’s bad enough that I’m pissed off and hurt because of his actions, without it affecting someone else, my brother.