When wrong feels so right

by Mia Ford

  “Sure. You do that, I’ll go and get us drinks.” I want to squeeze her hand. I want to lean in and kiss her again. It’s killing me that I can’t. I feel trapped in a cage. “I’ll come and find you afterwards, okay?”

  She gives me that heart stopping smile again before nodding. “Alright. See you in a moment.”

  As she walks off, I can’t keep my hands off her butt. I’ve had a bit of a glance at it now, I know how that body of hers looks naked, and it’s incredible. Maybe she doesn’t look like a porn star, but I prefer that. She has a natural gorgeous stunning look that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get out of my head again.

  Right, time to go and get drinks, I tell myself. Then I can hang out with her again.

  I haven’t had much time to actually talk with Leah for years, I guess the older we’ve gotten the more I’ve pulled myself away from her. Mostly because Brandon is my friend not her, and because she’s younger than us, maybe because I’ve been more interested in other women than her. But now, she’s all of my mind. She’s everything. I’ve noticed Leah before, but now I’m really seeing her and I like what I see. My heart swells at the thought of her, my chest is warm, everything about Leah is making me feel good about myself.

  I hum a tune to myself as I walk towards the drink table, I feel like I’m flying high. I don’t even want to drink booze, I feel like I’m high on life, this is awesome. I am almost skipping with glee as I go.

  “Zane!” Brandon’s voice makes my blood run cold. The sound of him reminds me that all isn’t as wonderful and carefree as I would like it to be. “Hey, Zane, I’ve been looking for you, where have you been?”

  I turn my body slowly and force a fake smile onto my face. “Hey, I’ve just been about. All okay?”

  “I thought I just saw you with my sister?” Shit, he’s giving me an inquisitive look.

  “Oh, yeah, I was just… I talked to her for a minute, just to ask her if she’s okay.”

  My shoulders hunch up around my ears, tension stiffens my spine, I expect the worst… but thankfully I don’t get it. Instead, Brandon peers over my shoulder as if he’s distracted by something else entirely.

  “I just want to let you know that Rosa is here and she’s on the war path.”

  “Oh… fuck.” Everything sinks, I feel really weird. Losing myself in the magic of Leah has caused me to forget about all the other issues that I have going on in my life. And that’s all of them… but knowing that Rosa is here again it all comes flooding back. “Is she acting crazy? Is she looking for me?”

  “You know that she is.” Brandon pats me on the back in a sympathetic gesture. “Sorry, buddy. Try and stop her from trashing up my house. My mom will absolutely lose her shit if she does.”

  I know slowly, wishing that I had the power to make that happen. The more I learn about Rosa, the more I realize that she’s a force to be reckoned with. All I want to do is get a drink and hang out with Leah, but first off, I’m going to have to deal with this situation before it gets out of hand. I don’t want to make it worse.

  “Right, okay. I guess I will go and find her then.” I roll my eyes. “Try and sort her out, wish me luck.”

  I walk nervously through the crowds, trying to spot the hurricane, the storm that’s about to roll through everything and destroy it all. I don’t spot her at first which only amps up my anxiety because I know that she’s here, ready to leap on me and take me down at any given moment. Like a predator hunting its prey. I’m like a scared little field mouse creeping through the grass, trying to find the eagle before it gets at me.

  “Zane!” Oh shit, there she is, yelling at me. And boy, she sounds pissed. I get the horrible sensation that I’m about to have the best night of my life transformed into the worst. “Zane Morris, come here and talk to me. You have a lot of explaining to do. Don’t you even think about turning away from me.”

  Oh, how little you know… I think to myself, but of course I don’t say that aloud.

  “Sure, Rosa,” I say without turning around to see her. “Whatever you want.”

  Chapter Nine – Leah

  “Oh, I’m so sorry that I’ve left you for so long!” Mandi apologizes with red, flushed cheeks as she giggles girlishly. “It’s just Jon has been keeping hold of me all night long. I don’t know what to do with myself.”

  “Oh, don’t feel bad.” I touch her arm gently. “I’m happy for you, you just have a good time.”

  God, I so wish that I could tell Mandi what just happened, I would love to see her reaction, but now isn’t the time or place. I don’t want her to freak out and make it obvious while we’re here in my home. No matter what, Brandon cannot find out. He will kill us. We shouldn’t have done that because of him, but how were we supposed to resist? Our feelings for each other are so damn strong, it’s impossible to keep away.

  Plus, I’ll be honest, I like to keep it as a secret for just myself for a little while longer. It feels good.

  “Are you sure?” Mandi whines at me, giving me a pleading look. “You aren’t being left alone?”

  I want to laugh at Mandi’s question. “Honestly, I’m fine. I’m mingling. You get back to… whatever you’re doing. And have fun.” I give her a warning look. “Just make sure that you’re careful, okay?”

  I want to leave Mandi now, but that’s because I want to find Zane again. He’s promised me a drink and I can’t wait to have it. If we share a drink afterwards, then it’ll be much more meaningful. I’ll know for sure that it isn’t just a sex thing. I’m very sure now, but I want to be one hundred percent certain. I want more.

  I leave Mandi and Jon and make my way through the throngs of people. It’s still pretty crazy to believe that all these people are here for my brother. I know that he’s popular, but this is insane. The place is full. I wonder if this is what Mom planned on when she thought about this party. She might get a shock when she gets home.

  “Zane Morris, come here and talk to me.” I jump as I hear a loud voice ringing through the building, calling on my guy. “You have a lot of explaining to do. Don’t you even think about turning away from me.”

  I spin rapidly around trying to locate the source of that voice, and I immediately see myself looking at the girl from the mall, the one who Zane was seeing so much that he neglected Brandon for her. I didn’t think that she was here. Learning that she is shocks me, I don’t like the way it feels. Much as I think I have a claim on him, she has more of one. They’ve had a thing for a while, a thing in public that others know about. They don’t have to be a secret like me and him would always have to be. They can be together if they want to be.

  Shit. I try and pull myself together as I watch Zane slowly turn around to face the girl. I watch his face desperately, trying to find a reaction in there but he’s stoic. It’s like his face is stuck in stone.

  “Sure, Rose. Whatever you want.” He lets out a deep sigh. “Do you want to go somewhere private?”

  “Oh, right sure.” Rosa flings her hands onto her hips. “So, you can hide me away? No thank you. It’s time that everyone here learns just what you’re like because you are not as perfect as you seem, Zane.”

  The whole world freezes as I watch this strange exchange unfold. I don’t know how I feel about it any longer. Zane doesn’t look at Rosa like he did me just a few moments ago, which only reinforces to me that I do mean something to him. A lot more than she does anyway. I just wish she hadn’t turned up to ruin things.

  “I know that I’m not perfect, Rosa. I don’t think I’ve ever claimed to be. Have I?”

  “Pfft.” As she snorts at him even more people turn to watch the argument. Some people’s eyes light up with glee as they see drama. Some people love a bit of excitement at the cost of other people. “You certainly do.”

  “No, Rosa, I don’t.” Zane is sounding overly patient. “I don’t pretend anything. You know as well as I do what I’m like. I never promised anything like commitment to you, if that’s what you’re worrying about.”

/>   I suck in a deep breath, realizing that he hasn’t ever promised me anything like that either. But then again, we haven’t had any real conversations. The magnetism pulled me in, both of us in, and we caved to that.

  “I’m not worrying about anything,” Rosa sneers. “I’m just pissed off that you didn’t invite me to this party tonight. You can’t even pretend that you didn’t know that it was happening because Brandon is your best fucking friend.” She gestures wildly towards my brother who looks as bewildered as I feel. “You don’t want me here.”

  “Then why are you here?” someone yells from the crowd. “Get the fucking hint, Rosa.”

  Rosa hisses and practically spits at whoever yells that to her, looking more like a wild animal than a person. There’s a protective sense in my chest, not that Zane needs it, I want to step forwards and do something. Luckily, I don’t. my feet remain firmly planted where they are, keeping me back from the limelight.

  “I am with you, Zane. There’s no denying that. Why are you trying to pretend that it’s nothing?”

  Bile rises in my throat, I feel like I might puke. Of all the issues that I considered to be an issue between me and Zane, I didn’t expect cheating to be one of them. I never thought him the sort of guy who would cheat on someone that he’s with… but that simply suggests to me that Rosa really has got the wrong end of the stick.

  “I got a tattoo for you, Zane. Look, a snake.” She pulls out the tattoo. While I can’t see it, I find the whole thing weird. I wouldn’t ever get a tattoo for a guy that’s just asking for trouble. “A fucking snake, Zane.”

  “Right, I think it’s time to get out of here,” Brandon finally steps in. “This is getting silly.”

  I don’t know if I want Rosa to go because I’m scared that Zane might leave with her, but at the same time if nothing happens to stop this, it might get really out of hand. I remain where I am, still frozen and stuck while I wait for it to end. Brandon ushers Rosa and Zane out and everyone eventually gets back to where they were as if it never happened. Well, everyone except for me. I need to learn more.

  Once my limbs finally unfreeze, I glance around to check that no one is watching and I creep towards the front door. As I go, I wonder what the hell I’m doing. Realistically, this is insane because even if me and Zane do want to pursue this, it’ll be terrifying telling everyone. Brandon will kill me and him, and Mom won’t be happy either. She has this dumb ass notion that a motorcycle immediately equals being in a gang. She won’t want that for me.

  But, despite all of that, I still want to know what we could be. There’s still a deep urge to be with him.

  The closer I get to the door, the louder the yelling gets. I can hear it bursting through the door and it’s filled with anger and rage. From her though, Zane sounds nothing but composed. It’s almost as if this is an annoyance to him, something that he needs to get rid of… I hope that’s because he wants to get back to me.

  “You’re so horrible,” I hear Rosa scream. “You don’t even care that you’ve broken my heart.”

  “Rosa, I was upfront with you. I told you that I would never want anything serious. You knew that.”

  “I didn’t know that at all! Just because you’ve said it, doesn’t make it real. We have a connection…”

  “No, Rosa. We don’t. I’ve had an actual connection with someone before and it doesn’t feel like this.”

  I clutch my hands to my chest, allowing happiness to circle me. He has to mean me with that one because I haven’t ever felt anything like that before. I know I’m not as experienced as him, but that doesn’t mean I don’t understand what’s going on. There’s no way that chemical bond isn’t real. It’s everything.

  Finally, after a while the shouting dies down and I get the sense that Rosa is finally leaving. I think Brandon has called her a cab and he’s sending her away. Thank God! I hope that means Zane isn’t going with her.

  I scoot back from the door, press my back by the wall at the bottom of the stairs, and I wait. It takes a while, by the time the door swings open again my heart is in my mouth. I can barely control myself. I feel like it might just burst out of my throat at any given moment. I see Brandon, then Zane… and he looks incredible.

  Zane’s eyes are drawn towards me, it’s almost as if the magnetic force is at work again. I give him a weak smile but I feel all strange inside. I want to grab onto him, I want to hold him and beg him to be mine, but I can’t. I need to try and be patient just a little while longer. Right now, he’s with Brandon.

  Right, I tell myself decisively. Get back to the party. Act normally. Just wait.

  The thing is, I know that Zane is worth waiting for. I’ve spent my whole life waiting for him, ever since my hormones came into play, and now that I’ve had a little piece of the pie I can continue to wait. I just need to hold it together. I suck in a couple of deep breaths, I do what I can to get my head on straight, and I wonder back into the living room where everyone is gathered. The room is full, but still, all I can feel is him.

  I make my way over to the drinks table, needing something to calm me down. I definitely don’t want a beer this time, I want something cool and non-alcoholic to sort me out. Zane and Brandon are over by the table, but it’s okay, I can just avoid them as much as possible. I’m not concerned about them…

  “Hey, Leah,” Brandon calls out to me, making my eyes fall to the ground. “How’s it going?”

  “Yeah, good.” My tone is strained, my whole body is tense. I have the funny feeling that mine and Brandon’s relationship will get even worse after this. “Are you enjoying yourself?”

  “Oh yeah, I am. This is the best party ever.” If I’m honest, he sounds drunk but I can’t look at him. I can’t meet Zane’s eyes in front of him. “Where’s your friend?”

  I could tell him the truth, but it’s my get out clause. “I’m going to find her now. You… continue to have some fun and I’ll see you later.”

  “You don’t want to stay and have a drink with us? Come on, little sis, it’ll be fun.”

  I shake my head and force myself to get sucked in by the crowd a little bit. “I’ll see you later on. Mandi is waiting. I’ll see you in a bit, okay?”

  Zane might know that I’m lying, but he’ll also understand why. Surely, he knows that I can’t just act normally in front of my brother. Not after what just happened. Everything is different now. I just hope it’s different in a good way…

  Chapter Ten – Zane

  It takes a long time before I can get Leah alone again. Unfortunately, the party and Brandon’s need for me means I don’t get a moment alone to seek her out again. Damn Rosa ruined things for me. But she’s there all the time, I can sense her everywhere. It’s almost as if everyone else isn’t in the room at all, they’re all just noise. It’s only Leah and me. The magnets are dragging us towards one another all over again.

  By the time I get Brandon rolled into bed, knowing that he’s going to have a terrible hangover in the morning, and I wander back down to survey the mess and the stragglers left behind. The house isn’t pleasant, there is mess everywhere, but nothing seems to be broken on first sight and I’ll take that as a good sign.

  “Right, everyone, you don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here,” I call out in a determined tone of voice. “The birthday boy is in bed so unless you want to help with the clean-up then I suggest you go.”

  “Aww, but it’s only two AM,” Sally moans in a dramatic fashion. “I’m not nearly done yet.”

  “Well then get a bin liner and help pick up the mess.” I give her a very fake smile. “Or get out.”

  “I don’t even clean up at my own parties. Can’t you just get a cleaner in or something?”

  She’s so out of touch with the world. Would I be like that if I didn’t have Brandon? I would like to think not, but I’m not totally convinced. I don’t know myself if I could trust myself not to be a brat.

  “No, Sally, we can’t. So, like I said, help or leave. That’s my fi
nal suggestion. Go or help.”

  With a huff and a grumble under her breath, she takes her friends and she goes. I’m sure she’ll be bitching about me later, which isn’t surprising since I’m usually the one who wants the party all night long. But not today. Today I actually care about the house, and I also want to see if I can sneak one more moment alone with Leah. I haven’t seen her for a while but I don’t think she’s snuck off to be just yet. I hope not anyway.

  Once everyone leaves, I grab a bin liner and I start picking up empty cups that are left all around the place. It’s almost an overwhelming amount, but I have to put a dent in it. I know Brandon’s mom might not like me, but I know that she works her ass off and I don’t want her to come back to this.

  “Oh… you’re still here.” As I hear Leah’s voice, my heart leaps up into my throat. “You okay, Zane?”

  I turn to look at her, smiling wildly as I see her. She’s gorgeous, even in her slightly tired, slightly just sexed look. All I want to do is wrap my arms around her and hold her tight. Finally, there isn’t anyone around us, and we can just be again for a little while longer. Tonight, would have been better if it was like this all the time.

  “Yeah, of course I’m still here. I wanted to see you again. Sorry about the way that things turned out.”

  She waves her hand dismissively. “Oh, it’s fine. It definitely wasn’t your fault that Rosa turned up.”