When wrong feels so right

by Mia Ford

  “Did you hear that?” I feel bad, I know that argument didn’t paint me in the best light. “Sorry.”

  “Oh no, it’s okay. I know that you aren’t to blame. Rosa seems a bit crazy. Like a stalker, or something.”

  I’m not thinking about Rosa at the moment, because Leah is walking towards me and swinging her hips in a very sexy way. It’s almost as if she doesn’t even know how hot she is which makes her even more attractive. All I want to do is kiss her, hug her, and even make love to her. I don’t want to stop doing all those things with her…

  Shit, what is it about Leah? Why does she have such a hold on me? She’s driving me wild again.

  “Well, I’m glad we have a moment now,” she replies with a murmur. “I don’t know if I would have been able to sleep tonight had we not. I’d be lying there thinking about you all night long.”

  I wrap my arms around her, feeling a sense of relief as I finally get my hands on her body. “Well, I hope you do that anyway! I like the idea of you dreaming about me all night long. That’s super sexy!”

  She laughs, a lovely lilting sound that I want to get stuck in my head. “Yeah okay, I’m sure I will anyway. It won’t be the first time that I’ve laid in my bed thinking about you, Zane Morris.”

  My heart clenches. It seems that while I haven’t noticed Leah before too much in that way, she has. That doesn’t scare me off, if anything it really thrills me. Everything about Leah is so exciting. She turns me on and flips me over in every single way. I don’t even know if there’s ground underneath me anymore.

  I dip my head down and I crash my lips into her, loving the fireworks that explode within me. Leah’s lovely mouth feels wonderful against mine, as her body molds into mine, I wish that I could just hold her all night long. I don’t want to say goodbye to this girl, but for a while I think I need to. I don’t want to go, but we need some space just to get our heads together. She’s intoxicating and I can feel myself losing my head over her.

  “Right, I suppose I better go,” I murmur sadly. “But I’ll be back in the morning to help you with hungover Brandon and the rest of the clean-up, okay? Then… we can have a talk about me and you.”

  She gives me an intense look and bites down on her bottom lip before she nods. It’s scary for me to think that I might actually like this girl, and that isn’t only because she’s the one girl in the world that I can’t really have.

  “Okay,” she replies softly. “I guess I’ll go to bed then, try and get some sleep before you come back.”

  I give her one more chaste kiss before I drag myself away. It’s agony to pull myself backwards but I have to. It’s the sensible thing for the pair of us. After some space, we’ll know a whole lot better.

  I hop onto my bike outside, glad that I didn’t drink tonight, and I whiz my way home. There’s a giant smile on my face that I don’t think anything will be able to wipe off. The world is at my feet…

  The only thing that makes me hesitate is when I pull up to the house and I see all the lights on. At this time of night, my parents are usually in bed so there must be something going on here. My heart skips in my chest as terror claims me. My brain races as I try to work out what terrible thing has happened. When I can’t immediately come up with anything, I race inside, trying to swallow down the panic that’s balled up in my throat.

  “Son,” comes my father’s booming voice almost right away. “You’re finally here.”

  “What happened?” I demand back, looking at him with wild eyed fear. “Is everything okay?”

  “Everything is fine. We have simply been waiting for you to come home. We have to discuss things with you,”

  “Where is Mom?”

  “She’s asleep. She couldn’t wait up for you any longer since it’s been all damn night.”

  “It was Brandon’s birthday party, that’s where I’ve been all the time.”

  “Yes, your friend’s birthday.” Dad nods as if he understands. I’m sure he hasn’t ever had any real friends, just idiot business associates like himself. “And it was also your last day at school on Friday, wasn’t it?”

  “Well, yeah, aside from the exams, I suppose.” I narrow my eyes at him, confused. “Why?”

  “Because it’s time to go.” All of a sudden, I notice items piled up behind him. Bags and bags of stuff that’s probably mine. “The car has been waiting for you outside for hours. It’s time to leave for college.”

  “What?” I snap back. “But I haven’t had summer yet. I haven’t sat my exams, it’s ages yet…”

  “You don’t need to sit your exams. You’re going to have a foundation course to deal with so no exams matter, there isn’t any point in you wasting your time. And that course starts with a summer school, so you can’t waste all your time bumming around with your sad friends. It’s time for you to be productive.”

  So many things flood my mind, I don’t know what to do about any of this. If I leave now, I lose everything… most of all, Leah. I want to get back to her, to tell her how I feel, to spend a long and lazy summer with her. But now my father has a car outside waiting to take me away and I know what that means. That means I’m stuck.

  “No, Dad, I don’t want this. I haven’t even talked to you properly about it yet.” I run my hands through my hair as stress catches up with me. “I don’t want to do this. I don’t have any desire for this. I just…” I groan hopelessly as I feel my future slipping away from me. “Dad, I just need some more time. Give me time.”

  “No, son, there is no time. This course starts now. You have to go.” His face glowers and I start to feel a little afraid. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen anyone turn him down before and I don’t know if that’ll change him. “You are leaving, you are getting in that car, and you are going to college. You need to grow up.”

  I could run, that’s the one thing that keeps coming through my mind. I could run away from here and never come back, but where will that leave me, honestly? How will that help me? I have nothing of my own, I don’t have any money or possessions, only my bike. How far would I get? And in a way, I can’t stop thinking that as much as I don’t want it, it might be an opportunity that I risk not taking later on. I don’t have to be gone for years anyway, I can come back and visit Leah if I feel strongly enough once I’ve gotten some distance. Maybe it’s better if we do things this way anyway. I don’t know what I’m ready for and I don’t want to make a big mess of things by pushing things too quickly.

  I hate to admit it, but my dad is older than me and he’s had a very successful life. Maybe he knows more than me after all. Maybe, after everything that we’ve been through, he does only care for me and want what’s best. Maybe, I should give his idea a go then if it doesn’t work out I can at least tell him that I tried.

  “Okay fine,” I eventually say glumly. “I’ll go. I’ll try, but I’m not making any promises.”

  “All I want you to do is try, son. That’s all I’m asking of you. Now come on, let’s get this car packed up.”

  I feel uneasy as we do so, I have no idea if I’m doing the right thing, but I know that I might end up regretting not seeing what my potential could be. I just hope that I’m not be throwing away something incredible here by doing so. Then again, if fate is a thing then it’ll happen if it’s meant to be. I just need to be patient and hope that the life I want finally catches up with me.

  Chapter Eleven – Leah

  I keep staring out the window waiting for Zane to appear. He’ll be here soon, I know that he will. He promised me and I know for a fact that he’ll keep that. He wouldn’t lie to me, Zane just isn’t like that. I feel like I know him now, I have a closeness with him that’s an unbreakable bond. It’s utterly unbelievable.

  I barely slept all night long, but as I did I dreamt of him. Of me and Zane and the wonderful future that we could have together given the chance. I know it won’t be easy to get there, but it’ll be worth it.

  “Urgh,” Brandon groans as he staggers into the room, looking p
ale and sallow, like he might throw up at any given moment. I” think I’m going to die. I haven’t ever had a hangover like this before.”

  I smile and stand before walking over to the coffee pot to pour him a mug. Hopefully, this will help with his self-inflicted pain. “You look like death. But did you have a good night? That’s the main thing.”

  “I did, I did.” He slumps into one of the chairs and gives me a look. “Was I well behaved? I can’t remember much so now I’m scared that I might have acted like a crazy person. I’m dreading the flash backs.”

  “You did sing some Disney songs at one point, but that was just before Zane put you to bed. There weren’t many people here by that point anyway so I don’t think it matters. No one filmed you anyway.”

  Brandon flops his head down onto the table in despair, leaving his coffee untouched. I feel bad for him, I really do, but he did get a little bit carried away. Then again, I can’t judge. I did too. I got really carried away, but it led to one of the best things in my entire life. It led to me and Zane finally hooking up and getting together.

  “Where is Zane anyway?” he asks in a pitiful tone. “He was supposed to be staying here last night.”

  I can feel an instant blush filling my cheeks. This is something that I’m desperate to discuss but that I’m also afraid to. I’m scared that Brandon might pick up on what’s going on between us. “Oh, I… he left last night. I don’t know why but he did say he’d be back in the morning to help with the clean-up.”

  Brandon raises his head and takes a look about. “But there isn’t anything to clean up, is there?”

  “No, I’ve done it,” I admit. I couldn’t sleep so I figured that I might as well get it clean. “I didn’t want Mom to come home and see it after a night shift. To be honest, it wasn’t that bad anyway.”

  “Is Mom back yet? Has she seen the house?” Brandon looks panicked. “Is she mad at me?”

  “She’s in bed,” I chuckle. “Don’t worry about it. She isn’t angry at you anyway, she knows that it was your birthday. She was expecting it to be a mess so it was good that I had it all done. Now, do you want food?”

  Something about the word ‘food’ causes Brandon to pale even more. His cheeks get wide and he slaps his hands across his mouth. He’s going to vomit, I can tell even before he leaps to his feet and he runs to the bathroom.

  I laugh to myself, knowing that I definitely won’t be making the same mistake for my birthday, that’s for sure. It might be fun at the time, but the aftermath really isn’t worth it. It looks awful.

  My heart stops as I notice something unusual. Brandon is so ill that he’s left his precious cell phone on the table which is something that he never does. He carries it around with him everywhere like it’s an extra limb or something. But now he’s throwing up and it’s up for the taking. I could look into it and get Zane’s number…

  Without allowing myself even a second to panic, I do the worst thing and I grab the phone. I don’t like to dive into anyone else’s privacy, but today it feels like it’s necessary. If me and Zane are going to end up together, I’ll have to have his number anyway. I can’t be a girlfriend without it. This is fine in the long run, I’m sure.

  I grab out my own phone and I copy down the number at the speed of light with my heart hammering in my ears the entire time. I feel shitty about myself, but I suppose I’m going to have to get used to being secretive. Me and Zane will have to keep things private between us for at least a while.

  I’m tempted to text him right away, but I can’t. I don’t want to the ‘that girl’. I want to wait until he gets here first so I can see how he feels first. I want to get a clue from him that everything will still be the same as last night. It’ll kill me if it isn’t, but I suppose it’ll be better for me to know one way or another. I’ll have to try and keep myself together for a little while later. It shouldn’t be too hard, should it?

  I stare out the window again, waiting for him to arrive. I cannot wait until I hear that rumble of the bike engine, the one that sends a deep and powerful thrill right through me. My heart is racing, my nerve endings are on fire, I can’t stop myself from hoping that everything will go the way I want. There’s a happy ever after forming in my mind, and I so desperately want it to become real. I’ll even wait if I have to, as long as I know that Zane is in this just as much as I am. I need that security, after all this time, I need to not be in this alone.

  ***

  ‘Hi, Zane, it’s Leah, I got your number from Brandon’s phone, I hope that’s alright. Is everything okay?’

  ‘Hey, Zane, just letting you know that the clean-up is done. Brandon is a mess! I think he might need you x’

  I stare at the two messages that I’ve sent today, hating myself for sounding so needy. I’m sure I wrote the number down right, I checked it a good number of times, but he hasn’t replied as yet. I’m scared that it’s me and that he doesn’t want to know me. I’m terrified that I’ve seen this all wrong.

  What if I’m just another notch on his bed post? What if Zane gives all the girls the impression that they’re going to be with him? That would certainly explain why Rosa freaked out so much…

  All of a sudden, I’m distracted by Brandon shouting and yelling down the stairs. He’s been sleeping on and off all day, trying to recover from his mad night but it seems that he’s finally come around. Does that mean Zane is here? Even if he hasn’t replied to me, I need to see him. I can’t stand all these unanswered questions.

  I fly down the stairs with my whole body electrified. I don’t even care about looking foolish any longer, I don’t even think I’m that bothered if everyone knows about me and Zane, I just want the truth…

  But it’s quickly obvious that he isn’t here which causes everything in me to sink.

  “Oh my God, this is horrible,” Brandon yells, not really at Mom, but in her direction. She looks tired, like she can’t seem to get enough sleep at the moment, but she’s listening anyway. “He’s gone now, already.”

  “Well, Brandon, you’ll be going off to college yourself soon anyway, so what does it matter?”

  I dart my eyes between the pair of them, trying to work out what I’ve missed. There’s a lot of anger floating around them both, well mostly over Brandon’s head, and I need to know why. “There is supposed to be a goodbye, we should have a party, we should have this summer together. It shouldn’t end like this.”

  Mom again tries to be overly patient. “I understand that, Brandon. I know how you feel, but you’ve done better at school than him, haven’t you? You have focused on your studies whereas he hasn’t. You have given yourself options and he has not. If he wants to get somewhere in life then this is what he needs to do.”

  Brandon rolls his eyes as if my mother doesn’t understand him. I can see that he’s seething, it’s rolling off of his shoulders in waves, it almost hurts me to see. Still, my brain is too foggy to get this situation.

  “You haven’t ever liked him, Mom, and that’s why you’re being this way about it. I’m upset. Can’t you see that? I just got off the phone to my best friend and he’s gone to college already. He’s done here.”

  Best friend… Shit. “Do you mean Zane?” I ask desperately, clutching at my chest. “Has he gone?”

  Brandon turns to see me as if for the very first time. He looks relieved to have someone that he presumes to be on his side. It’s best that he doesn’t know why I feel that way! That would kick his ass even more.

  “Yes, he’s left. Can you believe it? He went last night. He said some bullshit about his father sending him away because the course that he’s doing has to start now, even before he does his high school exams. That’s mental, isn’t it? He left right after my party and didn’t even tell me that he was going.”

  I feel like I’ve been gut punched. Zane must have known that he was leaving for college when he walked out of here last night and he said nothing. He lied to me and pretended that he would be back for me. He treated me like I’m spe
cial, like I meant something to him which was a lie. Everything he said to me was a lie.

  I’ve been here, texting him like an idiot and he’s gone. He’s off somewhere else entirely, ready to start a brand new life while I’m left here without him, with nothing. I almost fall backwards as that really hits me.

  “Oh my God,” I gush. “That’s terrible… for you Brandon. You must be really hurt.”

  “It does hurt, it sucks to be honest! I’m so mad that he’s just gone and never coming back.”

  Over his shoulder, Mom gives me a strange look, almost as if she suspects more, but I do what I can to ignore it. I don’t want her to be able to see how I feel, this really isn’t the time for me to deal with it. For now, I need to focus on acting like I’m not dying inside while I have to work out how the hell I’m going to get over Zane.

  I really have to let him go now, I have to say goodbye. Zane doesn’t want to know, he’s made that perfectly clear, and unless I want to spend the next sixteen years of my life pining after a man that doesn’t want me. If Zane doesn’t want to know me after that wonderful night, then I don’t know what I can do. He’ll never want me now. I’m a fool for falling into bed with him. I’m simply going to join all those other girls who have fallen foolishly for Zane Morris. And there’s a big long list of them, I’m certainly not alone here.

  I wipe a tear that leaks out of my eye, hating myself for feeling so emotional. I should have known that this would happen, I should have guessed this would end this way. Now I’ll never tell anyone about what happened, not even Mandi. I don’t want any embarrassment. I just want to forget about this and move on.