When wrong feels so right

by Mia Ford

  “Dad, I’m going to stop you right away.” I hold up my hands to highlight my point. “Whatever you think you’ve sorted out for me, I want it to stop. I did the college thing for you, and I don’t regret it one bit, but I am not doing whatever else it is that you want. I have my own plans, thank you very much.”

  “But you’ve put in the hard work now. Why wouldn’t you want to reap the rewards of that? I’ve sorted you out an amazing opportunity, one that you won’t be able to get again. It’s very well paid.”

  I roll my eyes and try to hold in a scream. I want to yell out with frustration, it’s really hard not to, but I’ll never get my point across if I act like a spoiled brat. That will backfire on me massively.

  “Dad, I don’t care about the money, or the experience, or the opportunity. I’m grateful for all that you do for me, but I’ve tried it your way and I don’t like it. I want to branch out and do your own thing.”

  “Your own thing?” He gives me a disgusted look. “What are you going to do? Ride your bike and tattoo other people? Or maybe you wish to venture into something wilder now like drug taking?”

  “Don’t you ever say anything like that to me.” I can’t help it, I see red. I’ve spent my whole life being judged because of the way that I look. I don’t want that to come from the people who’ve raised me. That sucks. “You know that I’m not like that. You’re just saying that to hurt me. Actually, what I want to do is open up a custom bike shop and I’ve even sorted out all the details myself. You don’t need to have any involvement at all.”

  “A custom bike shop?” The idea seems to amuse my father. “That’s the stupidest thing that I’ve ever heard in my entire life. Do you even hear yourself? I thought college would make you grow up, I thought you would come home a man finally, ready to do what’s right. I have never been so ashamed of you in my life.”

  I look at Mom, waiting for her to say anything to stand up for me, but again she doesn’t. she flicks her eyes downwards looking just as ashamed as him. I suppose this is the first and last meeting that I’ll ever have with them here. Once I turn my back and I walk out of here, I won’t come back. Fuck this, I’ve taken their shit for far too long. I don’t need it anymore. I am a man, and I’m a man of my own making, I won’t go into a mold.

  “Well, thanks for that,” I reply with a snort. “It’s always, erm, good to see you guys. I’m off.”

  I turn without looking back, and without a destination in mind. I’m going to make my life my own way and there isn’t a damn thing in hell that either of them can do about it.

  Chapter Nineteen – Leah

  I brush my hand along Patrick’s, trying desperately to find the spark. I know that it’s dulled compared to what I feel with Zane, but that’s because we have a history. I’m a teenager around him. I’m an adult with Patrick and I want to find the damn spark with him! It’s utterly frustrating that I’m getting a whole load of nothing.

  “Are you okay?” Patrick asks me quietly. “Are you not enjoying this program? I can change it if you want.”

  He seems to think that me touching him is an indication that I’m bored which is annoying. I mean, I am bored of this show, I’m not even watching it at all but that hardly matters. I know Patrick will want to watch it through to the end anyway. Once he gets into a box set, he prefers to watch it to the end even if it’s rubbish, even if he doesn’t like it. If he’s invested his time into anything, he has to see it through. That’s just the person he is.

  “No, it’s okay. Leave it on.” I curl my knees up to my chest and I snuggle deeper under Patrick’s arm. It’s a warm and safe place to be, I do like it. “I’ve just missed you that’s all. It feels like it’s been a while.”

  “We don’t usually see each other for this long. I wonder why you’ve missed me…”

  As Patrick muses this, I roll my eyes to myself. Can’t he be a bit more romantic about things? Can’t he scoop me up in his arms and just tell me that he misses me too? Can’t he just… I don’t know do something, let me know how he feels. It feels like something is missing here and I don’t like it at all. I want to drag it out of us.

  I cock my head up towards him and kiss me. I start off with a chaste touch of the lips but I soon hook my hand around the back of his neck and deepen it. I dart my tongue into his mouth and really amp things up. It feels good, I can sense a bit of a stirring in the pit of my stomach, maybe this isn’t as flat as I first thought…

  I push myself up and swing one leg over Patrick as I get carried away. I roll my hips into his trying to give Patrick the idea that I’m really in the mood now. It’s time to forget about the television and to really get down and dirty. I need Patrick to drive himself into me hard and fast, to make me forget about anything, and more importantly anyone else. Just as I hook my fingers under his tee shirt, ready to take things to the next level, Patrick rests his hand on my chest and he pushes me backwards just a little bit. I can see confusion in his eyes, which instantly cools down all the burning that’s sizzling within me. I shrink in on myself and wait for him to speak.

  “I didn’t think that you were enjoying this,” he says with a bland smile. “Let me turn it off.”

  I slide backwards, trying to get off him but Patrick holds onto the back of my butt to keep me in place.

  “What are you doing?” he murmurs. “Why do you think that you’re going anywhere?”

  I feel torn. On the one hand, he sounds like he wants to actually have some fun with me, he’s even paused the box set for me, but on the other he’s doused my mood right down. I don’t know if I can get myself back to where I was. I’m embarrassed that he stopped me, I feel like he really killed the vibe, and it’s just because he had to pause the program that he’s been watching. He can’t even let go of his stickler routine for just a moment.

  “I need to move,” I tell him coldly. I don’t know why I’m acting like this, I know this is his personality. What the hell is wrong with me? And more importantly, why can’t I stop? “I need to… get a drink.”

  I grab my mug and suck back the water in it. Patrick only drinks water because it’s so good for him, so I do the same when I’m at his place. Anywhere else is a different matter, but here, it’s water all the way.

  “Are you okay, Leah?” Patrick actually sounds concerned now. He twists his body so he’s looking me in the eyes. “You look like you’re upset. Have I done something? I didn’t mean to offend you…”

  The thing is I know this is the truth. Patrick never does anything to offend anyone. He’s more than the nice guy, he’s the nicest guy on the planet. But still, I’m wound up and I can’t seem to help myself.

  “I just need to go to the bathroom, alright?” I snap while standing up. “I just need a minute away.”

  “Away from what?” he calls after me. “Leah, away from what?”

  “From you.” I hate myself as soon as I say that, but it’s too late. The words are out there. I part my lips, ready to apologize for everything, but for some reason the words fall apart on my lips and I end up saying nothing.

  I stalk towards the bathroom with my hot blood tearing through my body. I feel like everything has churned up, my stomach is all over the place, my heart is racing, and not in a good way. I’m all mixed up and if I’m not careful I’ll end up taking that out on Patrick. He doesn’t deserve that, he hasn’t done anything wrong. I need to calm the fuck down, get my brain straight, then continue on with the perfectly lovely evening that I’ve been having. I’m the one who’s ruining it. Not him, and it’s all because Zane’s presence has confused me.

  Once in the bathroom with the door closed behind me, I grip onto the sink and I pant desperately. I stare at my reflection in the mirror trying to fine me. I don’t even recognize myself, I look like a wild eyed crazy person. My cropped hair is flinging wildly around my face, my make up looks oddly smudged, I feel like I’m buzzing and vibrating in the worst way possible. Everything about me is all over the place, it’s horrible.


  Get it together, I warn myself. Stop acting like a fool. Patrick has not done a damn thing wrong.

  But it feels like he hasn’t done anything right either. At least, not when it comes to me. It feels like he isn’t right for me at all. Mandi has tried to tell me over and over again, but I haven’t listened. I didn’t want to hear it.

  What is wrong with you? I ask the weird mirror version of myself. What is going on?

  I don’t want to attribute it to Zane coming back, I really don’t ever want to put that much power in his hands, but his return has highlighted a lot of things about my life that I really don’t want to consider. Everything that everyone’s told me is the truth. Patrick is a nice guy, a really nice guy, but he isn’t the one for me. The image of us married with kids won’t ever happen because I will end up growing resentful before then. He’s the perfect guy for someone, that image is wonderful for someone else, it just isn’t me. It’s never going to be me.

  I hang my head low as that realization hits me. Now that I know me and Patrick aren’t ever going to work, I need to tell him. I won’t be able to be fake around him, it isn’t fair on either of us. I really didn’t plan to come here tonight and break up with Patrick, we’re supposed to be getting the spark back…

  But the spark hasn’t ever been there, so how can I get it back? The short answer is I can’t.

  Shit, I think with a sad shake of my head. What the fuck am I going to do now?

  A tear leaks out of my eye as I realize that this is the end of an era. Just because I know now that my relationship with Patrick is tainted and pretty much over, that doesn’t mean it isn’t sad. I’m saying goodbye to a lot of things, the life that I thought I was going to have, and I’m going to have to hurt Patrick too. He isn’t going to be expecting this and it’s going to suck. I squeeze my eyes shut just trying to prepare myself for how gutted he’ll be.

  This is horrible, he doesn’t deserve this. Why has this had to happen? I can’t even blame anything really, because I know this would have happened eventually. I suppose it’s better that it’s only six months in rather than six years when we’re married with a couple of kids running around our feet.

  I take one deep breath, then I push the door open and I face what I really don’t want to.

  “Patrick,” I say, wanting to get it done quickly. “I don’t know if this is going to work.”

  “What, tonight?” He purses his lips thoughtfully. “You might be right. It’s going to mess up the routine.”

  Yep, much as this sucks I am definitely doing the right thing! I don’t think I can live to a schedule again.

  “No, I don’t just mean tonight. I mean us.”

  I wait for the penny to drop. It takes a couple of seconds, but his face eventually contorts into one of sheer agony. “What are you talking about, Leah? You cannot actually be serious. You mean us?”

  I nod sadly, allowing the tears to continue falling. “I’m sorry, Patrick, but I think we’re done.”

  “Because of what just happened then on the couch? That’s no reason to throw away six months.”

  “No, it isn’t just because of that.” How do I speak about this? How do I make him understand? “It’s because we aren’t compatible. We don’t really have anything in common, we don’t shar any interests.”

  “We share the gym,” he jumps in desperately. “You have your membership…”

  “I’m never going to use that membership, Patrick, that’s the point. I don’t like the gym. I don’t want to sit around watching TV, I want to have adventures, I want to do something fun. I want to…” I don’t know how to finish that sentence because I don’t know what I want. “I don’t know, but it isn’t this.”

  “I… I don’t know what to say,” Patrick gushes. “I don’t know how to make this right.”

  “It isn’t you,” I reassure him. “You’re wonderful. You have been wonderful. I just can’t see us going the distance. I think once we’re this far in, we should start looking to the future and I can’t see it.”

  “It’s not you, it’s me,” he says this cliché as if this is what I mean. “I see. So, there’s no coming back from this? There isn’t anything that I can do to change your mind?”

  I wait for a moment, almost as if I want him to fight, to see if there is a spark there, but he doesn’t. He accepts that it’s over so readily that it confirms to me that we’re done. Me and Patrick are comfortable around one another but that doesn’t make us compatible. That doesn’t mean we have the chemistry needed to make things last. I have a feeling that if we were ever to come across any hardships, me and Patrick would fall apart. We don’t have that bond.

  “No, Patrick,” I tell him with a sad smile. “I have had a wonderful time with you, but our journey ends here. It’s time for us to go our separate ways.”

  I don’t like myself as those words come out my mouth, I feel bad, but it has to be for the best. It has to be.

  Chapter Twenty – Zane

  “So, here are the keys,” William, the realtor that I’ve been dealing with declares as he hands them to me. “All the paper work is done now, so the place is officially yours. I hope you have a lot of luck here.”

  I scan my eyes over the small inside area of the building, which will become the office, the large garage outside which will become the storage place for the bikes that I’m working on, and the land which I’ll use to work, with a proud smile on my face. This building is absolutely perfect for me, I’m so lucky to have it. It’s near enough to the town if I need anything and for people to pass by, but it’s also pretty remote too so it things are noisy it won’t matter. I’m a real lucky son of a bitch. Well, it isn’t just luck, I’ve worked hard too. I’ve put in a lot to get here.

  I’m hoping that it won’t take me long to build up a reputation too, people will travel from everywhere to get their bikes kitted out by the right person. I’m pretty sure that I have the skills and connections too, I know it’ll be fine. My parents might hate it, I won’t be living to their expectations, but I’ll be happy and that’s the main thing. I don’t care so much about the money, I’ve seen the life that brings with it. I’d much rather smile all the time.

  “Thank you very much, William, I’m very excited about this. I hope it does really well.”

  We say our goodbyes and he leaves the building, leaving me alone with everything that is now mine. I fist pump the air in excitement, so fucking proud of myself. All the odds have always been stacked against me and I’ve defied every single one of them. I’m going to turn this into a very comfortable living for myself.

  With a happy smile, I bound up the stairs to take a look at my apartment too. I have seen it before, but that’s before it was officially mine. Now it belongs to me and I get to really live here. I’ve been bumming around for a few days, couch surfing whenever I can just to avoid going home, but no more. Now, I’m a home owner!

  I open the door straight into the small living room slash kitchen, I glance to the left to see the door to the bedroom, then to the right to see the bathroom, and I fist pump the air again. It isn’t much space, but it’s my own. I can decorate it as I like, I can do whatever the hell I want within it. I can have parties… well, maybe not that because there isn’t enough room, but I can play loud music, I can play video games until two AM without anyone breathing down my neck or the fear of college courses in the morning. Or I can just get a sensible night of sleep because I’m a damn adult and I have work in the morning, but whatever. I can do what I want.

  I yank my cell phone out my pocket and I call Brandon. He needs to see this now. I haven’t told him anything as yet because I wanted to have it all in place now, but I do now. It’s time.

  “Hey there, Zane. How’s it going, buddy? I’ve just got out of work thank God.”

  “Oh, well that’s perfect timing. I need you to come and see me. Like, right now.”

  “Where are you today?” He’s well aware of my situation and he has offered me a room at his house but I don
’t want to be around him and Leah while I’m weak like this. I want them to know me as strong.

  “You know the old scrap metal place on the outskirts of town? I want you to meet me there.”

  He pauses for a little too long. “Please tell me you aren’t squatting because you have a room here…”

  I can’t help but laugh at that. I don’t know why he’s so worried about me. I always land on my feet. “No, no, not at all. It actually belongs to me now.” I pat my business plan with pride. “Just come on over and you’ll see.”

  “You own a scrap metal place? What the hell, Zane? What are you doing? Have you gone mad?”

  “No! Honestly, just trust me. You’re going to have to come over and see for yourself.”

  “I’m worried now. I think I’m going to have to call your parents…”

  I know that he’s joking, but it’s still too much. I can’t even thinking about my mom or my dad coming to this place. They’ll tear it down from this inside out. I don’t want my good mood spoiled, I want to keep buzzing and flying high like I am right now. “No,” I snap. “Don’t you dare. Just come alone now.”

  “Oh God, you aren’t going to murder me, are you?” he teases. “This isn’t going to be one of those things that you hear about on the news where the friend has a secret murderous plan in some abandoned place.”

  “Yeah, it is. You caught me out. Damn, what a shame.” I chuckle. “But I’ll put the knife away and I promise to behave. I’ll kill you on another occasion when you aren’t as suspecting.”