When wrong feels so right

by Mia Ford

  “Fine, whatever. I’ll come. At least now I know you won’t kill me. This time.”

  “Great, I’ll be expecting you shortly then. Knife is gone now, I promise.”

  He doesn’t sound sure, but eventually he agrees with me that he’ll come and visit. Once he says that he’s going to come over, I smile to myself. It’s time to get some of my stuff inside. I have it all boxed up in the yard and I need to find places for it all. If it’ll fit. I mean, I don’t have a lot of stuff but I really don’t have much room either. I can’t wait until it looks a little more homely, a little more mine.

  ***

  “So, you’re going to run a custom bike shop?” Brandon asks me again. “Like, really? I mean, I know that you always said you wanted to do something like that, but I thought that your education had changed things…”

  Urgh, I don’t want to think about my medical training. I know that I’m throwing it away, but it’s for the best. I wouldn’t ever be happy doing that. It wouldn’t be me. Maybe I’ll find some way to incorporate it into my life somehow, but for now all I want to do is this. This is my dream come true. It’s everything to me.

  “I know, but this is what I want. I did all of that for my dad, and now I want to do this for me.”

  Brandon looks stunned, but he eventually manages to transform his expression into something that looks more like happy. “Well, that’s great news. You should always do what makes you happy.”

  I reach into the fridge and grab him a beer. That’s the first thing I brought to be fair, food can come later.

  “Here, have a drink with me. I need to celebrate.” I feel like I still need to reassure him a little bit. “Honestly, Brandon, this is the happiest that I’ve ever been and I know that I can make a success of it. Trust me.”

  He nods and finally caves to what I’m telling him. “Yeah, okay fair enough. If you say that you’re happy then I believe you. And I know that you’re smart enough to do what’s right. Your business plan looks good. And hey, if you ever need a lawyer, not that I hope you do, I will be your guy.” He clinks he bottle against mine and smiles.

  “Oh of course, you’re going to be the hottest lawyer in town. I wouldn’t go with anyone else.”

  We both take a swig of our beers before Brandon speaks again. “This will be a great little shag pad too, won’t it? For when you have a string of women to bring back here. Since there are so many who still want you.”

  I feel like he’s digging in deep, but I won’t rise to it. “I don’t really think I’m going to treat this place like that,” I confess. “It’s above my place of business, and I’m not even like that so much anymore. I want to be better, you know? I want to search for something a little more. Maybe like what you and Jenny have.”

  I hope this makes him see that if me and Leah ever do end up together, that she isn’t just a fling. I’ve held a candle for her for five damn years. If we ever make it official I won’t screw it up. I refuse to.

  “Wow, I never thought that I would see the day! I assumed that you’d be fifty when you finally picked a twenty year old wife, a bit like Hugh Hefner, you know. With your own Playboy mansion.”

  Maybe, once upon a time, that’s what I wanted for myself too, but I don’t see any fun in having a stream of meaningless sex anymore. It isn’t deep. It’s just carnal and I’m not an animal anymore.

  “You know what? We should go out and celebrate. Not just drinking, we should go out and have a meal.” I nudge Brandon in the side. “You should invite Jenny too, I want to get to know her a bit better.”

  Brandon’s eyes light up as he sees me making an effort, but then he seems to realize something. “Oh, but it can’t be just the three of us. That might get awkward. I should invite someone else too. Maybe Leah, since she’s just broken up with Patrick. It might do her good to get out and enjoy herself.”

  My heart lifts as I hear Brandon’s words. Leah has broken up with her boyfriend, the one that she was so insistent was the one for her. That has to be because of me. The temptation to bring her with us so I can secretly flirt with her dangerously, under Brandon’s nose when he’s just told me not to go anywhere near her, is almost overwhelming. But, if I want this to be more serious than a fling then I need to step back for a while. I need to take some time for her to get over her last relationship properly before she comes to me. It’ll be hard to keep away from her, but it’s the right thing to do. Also, this might throw Brandon off the scent.

  “Oh, that’s a shame,” I reply innocently. “Especially when you thought that they were so happy, but I honestly don’t mind it just being the three of us. It’ll be nice to just have a chilled out night.”

  He gives me a little bit of a suspicious look before he nods and finally agrees with my plan for the evening. “Yeah, okay. Let’s do that then. I’ll call Jenny now, see if she’s free to come out with us.”

  As he stands to make his call in private, I lean back on my chair and smile to myself. In the background of everything that’s happening here, my love life is sorting itself out too which is wonderful. I’m not a home wrecker, I wouldn’t have interfered at all if I genuinely thought that Leah was happy with Patrick, but it was immediately obvious that he didn’t excite her. She’s a woman that needs thrilling, she needs someone to unleash that spark within her. I hope that person is me, but even if not, I think she’ll be glad in the end.

  Really, all I want is to make Leah happy in whatever way that I can. This is the first step to the rest of her life, I hope this shows her what she doesn’t want so she can start working on what she wants.

  Chapter Twenty One – Leah

  I roll my neck, trying to get the strain out of it as I sit uncomfortably in my office chair. Sometimes, I don’t know what I’m doing here in this place, working for an office supplies company isn’t really for me, but it’s an easy job and it pays well. I haven’t ever delved too much into it, but now I’m starting to think that just like Patrick, it doesn’t challenge me. I guess ever since high school I haven’t done anything to really push myself and that’s made me kind of lazy. I know that I want to make changes, but I don’t know where to begin.

  “I just heard,” Gloria, the girl with all the gossip, leans across to me and whispers. “That Helen is leaving. She’s off to do a college course online so she can start to be a teacher. How crazy is that?”

  I mean, that isn’t the craziest thing that I’ve ever heard, but that’s just how Gloria is. She acts like everything is a huge deal. She’s the sort of person who will work here forever. I guess I didn’t ever put myself in that category but now I know that if I don’t do something soon, then that’s exactly where I’m going to end up.

  “Oh, well that’s good news. She’s trying to make something of her life. Good on her.”

  “Well, I heard,” Gloria isn’t ready to give up just yet. “That it’s all for a fella. She wants to impress a guy.”

  I sigh loudly, suddenly realizing what this is about. She must have heard through the grape vine that I’ve spilt up with Patrick, just because things don’t ever remain a secret in a place like this, and she wants to know more. There’s no way in hell that I’m going to give anything away. I certainly don’t want to trash talk my ex boyfriend because he didn’t do anything wrong, I just want to be able to move on, that’s all. I want to get my head down and concentrate on moving forwards. Me and Patrick have pretty much had a clean break, we’ve hardly had any communication at all other than to get our stuff from each other, and that’s the way I like it.

  “Oh right, well she can do what she wants for a guy, can’t she?” I shrug blandly. “Isn’t it up to her?”

  “Why, what’s the weirdest thing that you’ve ever done for a guy? You must have been wild for Patrick. He’s hot. I can imagine that girls throw themselves at him all the time. How do you keep him?”

  Urgh, God, she’s a nightmare. She doesn’t intend to let this go any time soon. The thing is, she’s right about Patrick, he is a gorgeous man, h
e will be with someone soon enough, I don’t have to worry. But then I didn’t want him enough to do anything wild for him and that tells me everything. There’s only one man I’d be nuts for. Not that I’ve seen much of Zane either, well I haven’t seen him at all since that weird morning which is just how I want it. I don’t want to be tempted by him. I don’t want to jump from relationship to… well, whatever it would be with Zane. He might have been the catalyst, but I need some time alone to get my head straight first. I need to get used to being alone first, I need to get reacquainted with me. It’s been a while, I think.

  I miss Zane, there’s no denying that. I miss him more than I do Patrick, but I’m okay with waiting. Maybe in the end, it won’t even happen, who knows. At least I’m moving in the right direction in other ways.

  “I don’t know, Gloria, and to be honest, I don’t want to talk about it. I have a report that needs to be in by the end of the day and I need to just get my head down.” That’s a lie and I also don’t usually act in such a rude way with anyone before, but I need her to shut the hell up. She’s driving me insane. “Thank you very much.”

  She mutters under her breath about me, but I don’t care. I roll my eyes and ignore her. Gloria will have to make shit up about me rather than knowing the truth. It pisses me off, but I’d rather know that she’s not discussing the reality of what happened. Instead of focusing on it, I log onto the Internet and I look at these online college courses. I should have gone to college, I know it, but I saw the financial stress that Brandon put on Mom, unintentionally of course, and I didn’t want to do the same. But this I can do myself. By the looks of it, with a payment plan, I can fund it, I can work it around my life, I can change my life for myself.

  I grow excited as I look through the courses, seeing things that I hadn’t even considered before. Creative writing, business management, fashion design… the list is endless. It all thrilling me and unleashes a spark in me that I didn’t know was there. I want this, I actually want to do this. It’s bringing me to life again. I can feel a stirring inside me that won’t be tamed, no matter what. I could even do one of these courses around this job too, if I wanted. But I have the desire to move forwards so badly that I don’t even want this. I don’t want to remain in this horrible toxic environment for another second longer. I can get another part time job as I work.

  I push myself up from my chair and stalk towards the manager’s office with a determined look on my face. I need to get this done now while it’s fresh on my mind so I can’t go back on my choice. I need to hand my notice in so I know that I’m leaving this job because that will inspire me to keep on going. If I know that I have to do something, then I will. I’ll shake off the laziness, I’ll stop being settled and calm, I’ll start pushing myself. I don’t have anyone to push me, but that’s fine I can push myself. I can make myself better my life. It’ll be better if I do it anyway. It’s always preferable to boost yourself up because I know I can rely on me.

  I knock on the door and make my way inside with a smirk on my face. I feel good about my choice. I’m going to do an online college course, I’m going to get a new job, I’m going to change everything. Maybe Zane turning up at the door wasn’t the worst thing in the world after all…

  ***

  As I walk through the front door, I feel the need to decompress. That was intense, it wasn’t as easy as I thought it was going to be to hand in my notice. They actually tried to persuade me to stay, like I’m an integral member of the team or something. To be honest, if I hadn’t just suffered all that unpleasantness with Gloria, I might have been convinced but she has made it obvious for me that I need to get out.

  Unfortunately, I’m not going to get any time alone because I can hear Brandon and Mom in the kitchen. As soon as I hear Zane’s name I give up my plan to escape up the stairs to hide away in my room. I know that I’m keeping my distance from him but I still want to hear what’s going on in his life.

  “…so, yeah, he has his own custom bike shop now, that’s crazy, right? After all that education?”

  I don’t hear Mom’s reply, she mumbles back to Brandon, but that doesn’t matter. I’m about to interject myself into this conversation and maybe even bring up my amazing news. I’m so excited that I’ve let go of the past and that I’m finally moving forwards. It’s scary but I feel really positive about my decision. I’m happy.

  “Hi guys,” I say a little too brightly. “How’s it going? Who has a bike shop?”

  “I’m talking about Zane,” Brandon replies with a sigh. “I can’t help worrying about him. I mean, he keeps saying that he’s really happy, but it’s strange, isn’t it? He is trained in medicine.”

  I can’t imagine Zane doing something medical. Even thinking about him in college studying that was weird, but having a custom bike shop… that I can see. I can picture him in his leathers with rock music playing in the background, spraying and creating some incredible artwork on a ride. It’s his passion, it’s what he wants out of life, I get it. Brandon doesn’t but he has a level head on. He would rather do what’s smart than what he loves. That’s why he’s working towards law and is why him and Jenny work out so well. They are pragmatic together, it’s nice to see. But that isn’t Zane, he’s wilder and much more free spirited.

  “Oh well, that’s nice,” I reply blandly, trying not to sound too interested. Brandon never mentioned it when he caught us almost doing… well, nothing really, but I’m sure it’s still there in the back of his mind. “And he must have done it alone too. Where did you say he has a store? Is it here, in town?”

  “The old scrap metal place. And I think he has too. I know for a fact that his dad wouldn’t help him out with this, but that’s because it’s crazy, isn’t it? Wouldn’t he be better using his education? He’s trained to do something really important, really special, something that will make him a whole lot of money, you know?”

  “It doesn’t really matter what he does,” Mom finally interjects, using the same tart voice she always used to use when it came to Zane when we were teenagers. I guess she hasn’t let go of her less than pleasant feelings for him, which is a shame. We’re all much more grown up now. “That boy has no hope. As soon as he started to go off the rails, his father should have done something about him. I mean, he has all the resources in the world.”

  I roll my eyes and turn away from her, unable to listen to her bad mouthing him. It’s as if she doesn’t even realize the positive effect that he’s had on my life. I did intend to tell them about my plan if it came up, but now I’m not so sure that I should. I might end up chasing a creative dream too and apparently that’s not good.

  “I don’t know, Mom, he’s a nice person,” Brandon tries to defend his friend. “He isn’t like that.”

  “This shop is probably just a front for his gang. The gang that I always told you to keep away from. It’s just good that you’re working in the law now and you won’t get mixed up in any of it.”

  As Brandon starts to argue with mom, the same row that they used to have all the time when we were kids, I stalk from the room and make my escape. I don’t want to go back five years, I want to move forward. I want to start looking into courses and to also look for another part time job. I still have two weeks until my notice runs out where I am, and I want to have something lined up in the mean time. I want to do that rather than worry about Zane and what he’s doing with his life. Even if he owns a sexy ass custom bike shop and he’s living his dream. Even if his touch was so electrifying that he made me feel things that I forgot I could.

  No, I’m not thinking about Zane at all. I’m focusing on myself and the future for me. Right now, it’s time to be selfish and to remember that nothing else matters.

  Chapter Twenty Two – Zane

  As I finish waxing off the latest job I’ve completed in what has actually been a pretty steady line of work for someone who’s new to the business, I feel an intense sense of satisfaction. The first thing I did was do my own bike up so I can leav
e it out the front as a point of advertising, then I created a strong online presence, and because of that I’ve definitely made enough cash to pay my bills for the next couple of months which is awesome.

  And most of all, I’m happy. That’s all I’ve really cared about from the start. The money is to keep me going, the pride and happiness that I feel when it all comes together cannot be beaten. I absolutely love it.

  I wipe my hand across my forehead, trying to get rid of the sweat but probably replacing it with a smear of something else instead, but I don’t care. Luckily for me, this isn’t a position where image is everything and I have to make sure that I look good all the time. It’s absolutely fine for me to be a bit of a grease monkey.

  Now that I’m done, it’s time to make some calls, to let the owner of this beautiful machine know that I’m done with it, and to sort out some more business too. I’ll also have to do some paper work which is the part of this that I’m not so keen on. But that’s okay. Once I’m really established I’ll be able to hire someone to work in the office side of the business with me, taking care of all the admin. Hell, I might even have a couple of people working in the front with me to keep up with demand. They’ll need a lot of training to get to my standards, but I’ll make it work. I’m confident now, even more so than before, that this is what my life has been missing. It feels good. I’ve found a way to fill the hole and nothing else matters. It really doesn’t matter what my parents think anymore.