by Mia Ford
‘Good job, Son. This is you taking control. I like to see you being a leader.’
A warm feeling fills my chest. See, he does respect me. He just pushes and pushes me hard to make sure I can get to where I need to be in life. I have to be grateful to him for that. I need to stop getting offended and to just embrace his words. He only has my best interests at heart. He wants me to succeed, I just need to want that for myself instead.
Maybe I don’t necessarily like what I do with my life, but then again who does? How many people are geuninly always excited to go to work every day? Barely anyone. Rather than worrying about what I like, maybe I should just work harder at getting better at it instead. That would be a much more productive use of my time. Being positive is always better thank being negative.
I need to get my head back in the city, to my real life. I have to force myself to slowly let go of here.
Chapter 13 – Lola
I’m all excited as I wait for Brandon to arrive. I’m wearing a floaty, summer style dress which clings to my hips and skims my legs mid thigh. It reveals just a little bit of cleavage too which is awesome. With my hair in two plaits running down my front, I think I actually look pretty good. Much better than I have done the last few days in the hospital anyway. I couldn’t help it then, I was too stressed to look good. I just wore whatever and looked a mess, but Brandon stuck by me the whole time. He really didn’t have to, but he did. That’s why I’ve cooked him a nice meal and I’ve brought some nice wine. I can’t afford much but I can do this for him. I can try and make him smile.
I also want to find out whether or not he paid the hospital bill for me. It isn’t going to be easy to get out of him, but it has to be him. Who else could it be?
As his heavy knocks come against the door, my heart flutters with excitement. I get a delicious thrill racing up and down my spine. He’s here, and that makes me feel like jelly.
I definitely like him far too much, I think to myself as I take the steps to close the distance between me and the door. It’s dumb, but I might even love him.
I don’t think that I’ve ever been in love before. I thought I was when I was with Rory, but that was high school, small town stuff. Mostly it was just comfortable, not the sort of thing to last full term even if my mom hadn’t gotten sick. I didn’t know any better then, but now I do. Now I know what it feels like when someone seems to complete me.
I think my dad must be right, I think there might be something genuine between me and Brandon and I actually believe it might be something worth fighting for. If Mom and Dad managed to make it work in a world before cell phones and the Internet, then surely me and Brandon can do it. We don’t even live that far away from one another, it’s only about an hour and a half in the car. It isn’t life altering distance. If we want to, we could do it. I know that I’m committed, I just need to work out if Brandon is as well.
“Hey there,” I say in a flirty tone of voice as I push the door open. “How are you?”
Instantly I can sense that he isn’t himself, I don’t even need to say anything. He looks pale and distracted, almost as if he doesn’t want to be here at all. I suddenly think back to the phone call we shared not that long ago and I was so keen to get him over here that I didn’t notice the strain in his voice. Maybe there’s a reason that he doesn’t want to be here.
My emotions fall flat, I feel my heart sink into my shoes. I don’t want Brandon to be here unwillingly. I was so excited, I’ve spent all day as soon as I got Dad into bed looing forward to being with him. Now he’s here and it isn’t like I planned it to be at all.
I fold my arms over my chest awkwardly as I step aside to let him in. I got all dressed up nice for him and he hasn’t even looked at me. It’s completely humiliating.
“Erm, yeah, good day,” he replies gruffly without even asking me about my own day. “The project is getting much closer to being completed now.”
Oh… maybe that’s it. Maybe he doesn’t like the idea of leaving. As soon as I fill him in with my idea to potentially at least try a long distance thing a go he might cheer up. I just need to wait for the right moment for it. I need to wait until he’s loosened up a bit.
“I suppose you’ll want a drink then.” I grab two wine glasses and fill them up while my heart thunders against my rib cage. My brain spins rapidly as I try my hardest to find the right words to say. “It must be good to know that you’ve done a good job though, right?”
“You haven’t even seen it,” he snaps back sharply as he takes the glass from me. “How do you know that I’ve done a good job? It might be a mess.”
I gulp noisily and I take my seat. All the fun has been completely zapped out of the night which causes hot tears to ball up behind my eyes. I don’t want us to fall out, I don’t want our magical few months to be ruined over nothing. Just because it has to come to an end.
“I just presumed,” I reply quietly. “Sorry, I didn’t think. Is that… is it because of all the time spent at the hospital?”
His shoulders sag, I can see all the tension visibly run off his shoulders. “No it isn’t that at all. I’m sorry that I’ve made you feel that way, I wouldn’t change all the time I spent with you in the hospital for anything in the world. I’m sorry I shouldn’t have said that then.” He sighs loudly and leans his elbows onto his knees as he slides into the other chair. “Hank and the guys have done a great job, I’ve loved working with them.”
I want to ask him what the problem is, but for some reason the words don’t come out my mouth. I fear I might burst into sobbing tears that rack through my entire body if I part my lips at all. I remain silent and wait for him to continue.
“I’ve been speaking to my dad today and he’s… he’s hard work,” he says, sounding defeated. “It’s just put a lot of stress on my shoulders, that’s all. Maybe I shouldn’t have come tonight because I don’t want to be bad company.”
I don’t think he’s telling me the whole truth, I think that’s probably a part of his bad mood, but I also believe that he’s tugging himself away from me. Probably because he feels like he has to. Somehow, I need to tell him what I think about that, but it won’t be easy tonight while he’s in this mood.
“Maybe we should just eat,” I say while indicating towards my table. “Have some food, then if you still aren’t feeling happy you can go back to your motel and spend the night there.” I rest my hand over his but I can sense him stiffen as I do so which makes me snatch away. I don’t want to put anything on him while he’s being this way. I understand but that doesn’t make it fair on me. “Unless you don’t want to eat at all.”
His eyes meet mine and we share a bit of a look. I can’t really read what’s going on behind his gaze but I can sense that it isn’t good. I hope that he hasn’t already made up his mind and that he’s already said goodbye to us.
“Let’s eat. Come on.” He stands up and leads me to the table where we both sit opposite one another. It’s a position that we’ve been in a million times before, but now it feels really different. “This looks lovely, Lola, thanks for cooking it.”
We eat in silence. I keep darting my eyes over to him as we do but he doesn’t give me anything. He’s as closed off as a damn book with a lock on it, which is killing me. I need to find a way to make him open up and there’s only one question I can think of.
“Do you think you might know anything about the hospital bill?” I push. “I’ve been racking my brain all day and I cannot think how.”
“Why would I know anything?” He shrugs his shoulders. “I don’t know anything at all.”
I nod slowly, completely shutting down myself. It was so obvious that he would have paid it, there isn’t anyone else around who would know or even care enough to pay. Plus, I don’t know another living person who has enough money to do so. All I want to do is thank him for his generosity and to work out a payment plan so I can get the money to him, but clearly, he doesn’t want to talk. About anything.
I need him to go
. That thought hits me hard and like a thump in the face. All day long I’ve wanted him here, but the person I’ve wanted is my Brandon. The sweet guy who comes to watch me play, who helps me in the hospital, who comes to visit the lake with me. This cold version of him sucks. I don’t like it one bit. I need him to leave.
I decide to keep my lips shut. Maybe I don’t want to talk now either. I’m not the sort of girl who will take his bullshit lying down. If he wants to act like an asshole then let him. I don’t have to try and be all sweet to win him around. I’d like to be nice to him, to make him feel good, but not if I won’t get anything back.
I fix my eyes downwards and concentrate only on eating. Once I’ve consumed all that I want to, I jump out of my seat to grab a sweater to throw on over the top. I’m not about to make myself freeze just for someone who doesn’t even care.
“I suppose you’ll want to get back then?” I ask him in an icy tone that matches his. “I don’t want to stress you out anymore than you already are.”
His face tightens. “Don’t be like that,” he shoots back. “It isn’t that way at all. Like I said, I’ve just had a stressful day.” When I don’t say anything, he continues. “Look, I know that I’m useless tonight. I’m just dealing with a lot of stuff. None of it is your fault.”
“I’m dealing with stuff too.” I point towards my father’s home. “But you don’t see me taking it out on you.”
“No, I don’t.” He offers me a one shouldered shrug. “But clearly you’re a much better person than me.” I roll my eyes and turn away from him. “Look,” his tone becomes calmer, as if he’s dealing with a hysterical person rather than just an upset one. “I don’t want to be a dick, but I suppose we both need to think about this coming to an end soon. It isn’t going to be easy, but soon we’ll both be back to our real lives and all of this will have to end.”
My mouth runs dry with nerves, although I’m pissed off I know that it’s now or never. I have to say something or I’ll regret it forever.
“Does it?” I say softly. “Does it have to end?”
“I mean… yeah. It does, doesn’t it?” He gives me a hesitant look which suggests I might just be about to get through to him.
“No, it doesn’t.” I step close enough to him so we’re almost touching, but not quite. It’s an electrifying sensation that’s highlighted by how tense this is. “We could make it work with a bit of effort. I could come and see you, you could come to me, we could talk on the phone, text, we could… I don’t know. It isn’t that long distance, it isn’t worse than other people have done.” I take his hands in mine, breaking through the walls he’s put around himself. “We could just be together, if we both want it enough. It isn’t impossible.”
Please say yes, please want this as much as I do…
Chapter 14 – Brandon
I’ll admit it, she has me shell shocked. Her words, her promise of a future where I could actually make it work with the first girl who’s ever captured my attention is too much. I know it wouldn’t be simple, but I also know that it’s possible. I could work less, I could make the journey back and forth whenever I can to see Lola, and she can always come to see me. Yes, it’ll cost a lot but what’s money when it comes to love?
I can feel myself getting misty eyed as I think about how with a bit of effort we could really make this happen. I could actually just fall in love…
But then my dad’s face comes into mind and I imagine how scathing he’ll be if I tell him that I want to make a long distance relationship work. He won’t be impressed when I keep letting him down on projects because I want to see Lola. He’ll give me crap all the time, I’ll never hear the end of it. He’ll start pushing me back in the company because he knows that I won’t be fully focused. This is a classic case of love verses career and I don’t know what to do. I know my father made mistakes when he picked career, but I can’t exactly do nothing.
“I don’t know.” I snatch my hands away and run one of them through my hair. The stress is back, rolling through my shoulders and neck, making me feel sick. I should have stayed in tonight. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, do you?”
“Well… why not?” All the color drains from her face while she waits for me to answer.
“Because that was never in the plan, was it? We never went into this as a long term thing. It was going to be fun for the both of us, just while I’m here. Then we go our separate ways, no questions asked.” I wave my hands around a little manically as I talk.
“We never discussed that,” she says with a head shake. “And things can change anyway, can’t they? We can develop feelings for one another.”
She has feelings for me. I don’t need to question that, I can see it written all over her face. I have feelings for her too, but that doesn’t make any of this less complicated. This is a mess.
“I don’t know about that,” I reply in a hollow sounding voice. I gulp, I can barely think right now. “I don’t know about any of it.”
“You don’t know if you have feelings for me?” Lola falls backwards, looking incredibly hurt. “I see, I didn’t realize. I just thought… with all the nice stuff that you’ve been doing for me… I thought that we were on the same page…”
I shake my head, but not because I disagree with her, because I can’t believe this is happening. I knew I shouldn’t come out, I could feel it, but I got sucked in because of Lola’s sweetness anyway. I got dragged along by her and now we’re stuck in this awful row.
“I don’t know what page you’re on, and I don’t know what page I’m on either. This is all just too much. You’ve thrown this at me without me being prepared at all. I don’t know how you expect me to react.”
Lola’s cheeks turn a funny shade of red and I can see that I’ve pushed her too far. “I’m pressuring you now? I thought that we were just having an adult conversation about things. I didn’t realize this was the sort of thing where I cannot say how I feel.”
I roll my eyes. The fire is back, but now I can’t be dealing with it. I just want something in my life to be easy. “It isn’t that. Don’t be that way, Lola…”
“I think you should leave.” She steps back even further away from me and indicates towards the door. “You didn’t want to come tonight anyway, so why don’t you just leave.”
I part my lips, desperately wanting to say all kinds of different things but nothing comes out. Maybe this is the best way. I don’t want to end a magical few months with an argument, but I suppose it creates a clean break. It’ll certainly be much simpler than trying to navigate a long distance relationship that’s doomed from the start.
“Fine, I will go. If that’s what you want, Lola, that’s what you’ll get.”
I gather myself up and head away from her. I try to keep my eyes fixed forwards as I move so I only think of the future and not the present that’s very quickly edging towards becoming my past, but at the last moment I can’t resist turning just to check. Her wide eyes are filled with sadness and tears, I can see that as soon as I walk out of here, she’ll fall apart which I feel horrible for… but how can I make this any easier? We both knew when we got into this that it would end this way. All we had to do was keep feelings out of it.
It’s safe to say that we failed.
Goodbye, Lola, I think in my head as I pull away from her. I know I should probably say those words aloud, but I just can’t find the ability to do so. I don’t want to make this any more painful than it already is. From this moment on, we will never see each other again.
We can’t. I have to keep strong. I have to leave this town as soon as I can and I can’t get dragged back in. Now that I’ve decided that this is the end, it can’t be anything else. We both have to move on, we both need to get back to real life, it’s the only option we have.
“Just go,” she spits out to my back, seemingly sensing the same thing as me. “Go and don’t come back. This is done here, we’re finished.”
***
I rub my sleepy eye
s as I shove the rest of my stuff in my suitcase. After a night of tossing and turning and absolutely no sleep at all, I only know one thing. I need to get out of here now. I cannot spend another minute in this damn place. I just can’t do it. I’ll pop in to the building site on my way home and leave to make sure everything is under control, but I’m pretty sure that Hank has it much better than me anyway.
Have I got everything? I ask myself desperately as I look around the motel room. I’ll be glad to put this horrible room behind me forever. Am I ready to go?
Maybe I should go to Lola’s house to say a proper goodbye to her so we don’t have to end on a sour note, but I know that I’m weak, I know I’ll get sucked back in without much effort. This sucks, but it’s the way that it has to be. Even the thought of her face in my sleepy mind makes me feel a bit dizzy and sick. I just want to hold her, I want to wrap my arms around her and claim her as my own forever more, but I can’t give her false hope. I can’t delve into this feet first, especially when it can’t become something real.
I fiddle with my car keys in my pocket as I finish checking the place, waiting for my escape, then with a deep sigh I leave it all behind. I step out into the cool, fresh morning air and I slam the door behind me with a loud bang. It’s not a relieving sensation, but it’s what I have to do. The mixed up feeling that races through my body continues as I make my way to the reception desk and I check out, then it carries on as I get into the car.
