by Mia Ford
“What, while you did something shitty?” I can’t help it, I need to remind him of what he did. “While you ran away?”
“Yeah, that wasn’t supposed to happen, not when I started.”
We stand in silence for a few moments. All the time I try to work out what I should say next. I don’t want him here, I have nothing that I want to say to him anymore, but at the same time I don’t know if I’m ready for him to go yet either. It’s a tug of war inside of me that I don’t know how to deal with.
Then I hear a stirring inside the bedroom, which draws my attention back to my father. He’s waking up now, and he’ll probably need my help.
“Right, well I suppose I better go,” I say regretfully while taking a step backwards. “My dad needs me so I need to get back to him. I guess,” I give him a shrug. “I guess it’s been good seeing you.”
“Yes it has. Do you want to…” I can tell he’s about to ask me to see him again which causes me to panic again. I don’t know if I can heck be going through all of this again, especially when it isn’t going anywhere.
But he doesn’t manage to finish his sentence, which is a blessing, but it’s one in disguise because he’s stopped by my dad swinging the motel room door open to find out what me and Brandon are up to.
“Oh…” Dad cocks his head curiously. “Lola, I thought I heard you out here. Is everything okay?”
Is everything okay? What a loaded question. It leaves me speechless, and also a little breathless. I don’t know what to say.
Chapter 20 – Brandon
Lola looks like her father catching us out here has her speechless. She doesn’t know what to say which is only another thing for me to feel guilty about. It doesn’t seem to matter what I do, I just keep making a horrible mess of things. I’m supposed to be making things right with Lola, not causing her ever more issues. Somehow, I need to be the one to make this okay, or this tension will go on forever more.
“Mr. Boots,” I say while I take a step forward. I extend my hand for him to shake it. I tremble a little with nerves as I move nearer to him, but only because I’m scared that he’ll hate me. “I don’t know if you remember me, but we have met before. Last year, when you were in the hospital. I was in town as part of a property development project.”
“Oh yes, I remember.”
He grabs my hand and smiles at me. As I stare into his face I realize just how much sicker he looks than when I saw him last. He looks like he’s really struggling which is awful. I feel terrible. Lola has been through so much and I’ve made her feel worse by dumping all my stuff on her. Not only did I leave her in the middle of this last year, but now I’ve shown back up, even if it was an accident, and I’ve confused her all over again.
“Did you want to come in?” Lola’s dad asks as he steps to one side. “It would be nice to catch up. It’s been a very long time since we saw one another, and of course I wasn’t my best then. All hooked up to machines and high on medication. It’d be nice to have a chat.”
I don’t know if it’s wise to go inside, but when he waits for me and indicates towards the chairs near the window, I feel like I should do so. There isn’t any reasonable excuse I can give that doesn’t make me look like I’m a horrible person. I don’t look at Lola as I obviously betray every single one of her wishes by going in, but I can feel her gaze upon me the whole time. She wants me gone, for which I don’t blame her. But I don’t want to go, not yet. I want to stay to speak with her at some point, to continue saying sorry. Sure I have a party to go to, a night of fun and a girl with a lot of willing to do whatever the hell I want, but I don’t want any of those things. I want to be here, I want to try and make things right. Sandi, Franko, and the others all pale into insignificance. They don’t matter as much as Lola and they never have.
Lola follows behind me as I make my way into the bedroom, I can hear her footsteps. I’m also pretty sure that I can feel her fury burning into the back of my brain, but I don’t look. I don’t want to meet her eyes until she’s calmed down a little. I’m too much of a coward.
“Do you want a drink?” she asks her dad, and I presume me at the same time. Or I hope so because I’m desperate for something to sooth my throat. “We have coffee, it isn’t good stuff, but it’ll do. And I’ll get you a water too, Dad. You need to take your pills.”
We both nod and she moves over to the tiny kettle in the corner of the room. Her eyes fix on the kettle as it boils, almost as if she doesn’t want to see us for a few moments. She needs a break from this shock, intoxicating situation. Not like me, I’m all in. I’ve dived into this head first. Now that I’m embracing this second chance, I’m all for it. Even if all she wants to do is yell at me for now, I’ll take it. Any communication with Lola is better than nothing… I just wish I realized that before. We could’ve saved so much time.
“She worries too much,” her dad tells me with an eye roll. But he grabs his bag of pills and takes out what he needs, proving that her care is needed. “She spends so much time panicking about me that she doesn’t ever worry about herself. The roles are totally reversed with us two. It’s like she’s the parent and I’m the child… it’s always been that way since I got sick. Maybe even since she lost her mother.”
“Oh yeah?” I drag my eyes away from Lola. “She’s a caring person, isn’t she? I learnt that when I spent time with her before.” I don’t know what Lola said about us, so I don’t want to overstep anything. I just need to keep vague for now until I work it out. “You know, when we were friends.”
“Friends, huh?” He narrows his eyes at me as if he’s trying to work out why I’m lying. I flicker my eyes down under the intensity of his gaze. “I thought you were more than that.”
“Is that what she said?” I need to know before I say anything at all. “Lola, I mean?”
“Oh no, she hasn’t ever really said anything. But I could just tell.” He leans in to speak only to me. “You know, when you were around, Lola was much happier, she was like a different person all full of life and excitable… it was lovely to see. But then you left and she was sad, like really sad. She threw herself into her work and that’s how she’s been ever since. She says it’s to afford my treatment, but I don’t think it’s just that. I think she’s just been trying to forget. Maybe I shouldn’t be telling you this, but if I don’t say it now I don’t know when I’ll see you again.”
I sit back further in my seat as I try to process his words. It seems that we’ve both been miserable since things fell apart. I don’t want Lola to be unhappy, but it means something to me that she’s been affected by us too. It means that maybe there’s still a chance for us, maybe, somewhere deep down. The thought that she’s pregnant and married is long gone at any rate which is good. I didn’t like that image at all, it hurt me deeply. So deep that all I wanted to do was forget. Well, I don’t want to forget anymore.
“Oh right, well it was a shame,” I say coyly. “I didn’t want things to end in the way that they did either. I wish I could go back and change things…”
Unfortunately, we have to stop then because Lola comes back over to us with the drinks clutched between her fingers. Judging by her glowering expression she heard some of the chat, which is just another thing to feel guilty about. It seems that the things I’ve done wrong to her just keep piling up and up. How can I make it up to her when I keep doing more wrong?
“Thanks for the drink,” I say quietly, hoping to break the ice, but she doesn’t immediately answer me, causing her dad to jump in.
“Yes, sweetie, that’s very kind of you.”
We all take a sip of our drinks, the silence clings thickly to the air. My brain spins at a million miles an hour, I try to work out what I need to say to make all of this okay, but it isn’t easy. With Lola, everything I say is wrong and makes her madder, and I don’t want to upset her dad either. I just wish I had a time machine and I could make it all okay again that way.
“So, you two knew each other last year?” Okay, so it�
��s not up to me. That’s good… I think. Her dad’s eyes flick between us both as he speaks. “That’s wild. Did you decide to meet again this year?”
“No,” Lola interjects quickly. “No we didn’t. We just bumped into one another.”
“Oh, like fate.” He claps his hand together and grins, far too brightly for someone who knows the truth. Obviously, Lola didn’t say that I left without saying goodbye. She kept that part inside, probably because she’s embarrassed. I hate that it’s me who’s made her feel that way. I’m an asshole. “That’s nice.”
“Erm, yeah, or a joint need to go to the drug store,” I reply with a mirthless laugh. “I don’t know if that counts as fate.”
“Does it matter where fate gets in the way? It does what it does.”
“Okay, Dad, I think it might be time for you to get into bed,” Lola says warningly. “I don’t want you to get tired. You’ve just taken your pills so you know they’ll knock you out in a moment.”
“Oh no, I’m not ready to stop talking to Brandon yet. You don’t mind if I fall asleep now, do you?”
“Erm. No I don’t mind. I’m enjoying talking to you.” But Lola’s gaze scares the shit out of me, so I quickly retract my words to stick up for her instead. “But if Lola thinks it’s best then maybe we should…”
“I know what’s best for me.” I’m not getting through to him however hard I try. “And for now I’m just fine thank you very much. Brandon, please tell me more about this property business you’re in.”
“Oh well, the projects I run are the small town ones. The ones that change areas into something more progressive.”
“And you love it? It’s your passion?” I don’t answer him, which seemingly gives him everything he needs to know. “Are the towns you help out happy to be more progressive?”
“I don’t know. “I shrug a bit helplessly. “I used to think that they would be afterwards, if not before, but now I don’t know. Are you happy with the changes?”
“Oh I don’t know. I don’t get out enough to notice the difference to be honest. I’m sure the businesses are pleased now they’ll be making more money, and it gives you more hours, doesn’t it, Lola?”
“Mhmm.” The sound is tight and stressed. “It sure does.”
After that small non comment, she mostly keeps out of the conversation and I spend the time getting to know her father instead. He’s a very nice man who seemingly was very busy until this horrible illness started to take his body away from him. Not that it’s helped much now, but I’m glad I could contribute something to his care. He doesn’t deserve this. I want to do more, but I don’t know how I can ensure Lola will let me.
Eventually I can see what Lola meant about the pills. They strip all energy from him and have his head rolling. I suggest he gets into bed a couple of times, but he doesn’t seem to hear me. And then he’s asleep.
“This is what I was worried about,” Lola says tensely. “I hate it when he drifts off like this because it’s uncomfortable for him and it leaves him stiff and in pain in the morning. He knows I’m not strong enough to carry him as well. It leaves me in such a tricky position.”
“I’ll help you,” I offer right away. “I’ll get him into bed.”
Without even giving Lola the chance to panic, I scoop my arms underneath him and lift him up. He’s heavy because he’s pretty much passed out but I don’t let that show. I don’t want to do anything to make Lola panic.
“Oh my goodness, thank you,” she gushes. “That’s so nice of you.” As I lay him down across the sheets she bursts into some giggles. “Wow, I bet you didn’t expect to spend your night like this.”
“True,” I nod and agree. “But it’s better than what I had planned.”
Chapter 21 – Lola
His words touch me more than they should. The fact that he’s blown off a party and a girl who’s desperate to sleep with him to hang out with me and my ailing father. I don’t actually know what to say in response to that so I let my lips slide closed. Once Dad is on the bed I take a few moments to tuck him in and to make sure he’s comfortable, which gives me a good distraction for a few moments.
“Do you want me to go?” Brandon asks as soon as I’m ready to speak. “I don’t want to overstay my welcome now that your dad is sleeping.”
“You overstayed it already,” I reply, but there’s a teasing to my tone. He has, I didn’t want him to come in at all, but now that he’s here I’m not sure I want him to leave just yet. There’s still so much that’s been left unsaid and now that all the yelling is done I think I might just want to make sure that it’s said. I don’t know if I’ll be able to settle otherwise. “But it’s fine. I can make us another rancid coffee if you like.”
“Sure, rancid coffee, that would be lovely.” He takes his chair to wait for me. “Thanks.”
I pad across the room quietly enough to not wake Dad, which is silly really because he sleeps like a log once he’s out, and I flick the kettle on to bring it back to life. While I do I consider just how crazy this really is. I know I thought it was just my dumb luck to bump into the one person that I didn’t want to see in the whole city, but now it seems insane. Of all the people here, or all the drug stores to walk into, it’s nuts! I’m not going to start believing in fate like my overly romantic father, but it seems like something must be at play here.
Maybe that magnetism that I noticed at the beginning. It could be that, I suppose. Maybe we’re drawn to one another in a way that’s out of our control. That would just be damn typical of my life. The one person I need to avoid is the one person I can’t seem to get away from. Is this how it’s going to be forever? Just no escape however hard I try?
“The make is nice, by the way,” I rasp as I stare at the off color white wall. “I don’t think I’ve said that before, but it is. It looks like somewhere my mom would love.”
“Oh well, I’m glad.” He sounds a bit nervous as he answers me. Have I made him feel that way? “I just thought it was something that needed doing.”
I nod and bring his drink to him. Then I take the chair opposite and I stare intently at him. It’s strange to be back here, sitting in a room and drinking coffee with him as if it’s normal, as if the last year hasn’t happened at all. It makes me want to take a step back and to examine this for a moment before I delve right in.
“So, this is weird, isn’t it?” He addresses it before I have the chance to. “Who would have thought it? I bet not you. I bet you never wanted to see me again.”
“No, not really.” I might as well be honest. “After the way that you left.”
“Yeah. That was shit of me. Really immature. I’m sorry about it.”
“So why did you do it?” I don’t know if the answer’s what I want, but it’s too late. The question is out there now. My mouth asked it without my brain’s permission. I just hope it knows what’s best for me. “Why did you go?”
He glances down at the steaming cup of liquid in his hands. His whole expression closes off and I think for a moment that he’s going to just blow it off and give me nothing. Maybe it’ll be better that way, maybe the truth won’t set me free after all.
“I chose wrong,” he finally says, stunning me to my core. “I felt like I needed to choose between being with you and my career and I chose wrong. Well, if I’m honest with you it didn’t really feel like a choice at all. Me and you were supposed to only be a fling, we never discussed anything further…”
“I tried to,” I interject. “But you’d already shut off from me by then.”
“I know, I was wrong. I had my dad breathing down my neck telling me that I needed to be better and I suppose it was a pressure that I caved to. It doesn’t justify me leaving in the way that I did, but I hope I can make you see that it was never your fault.”
I gulp down the thick ball of emotion that lodges itself in my throat. It’s too much to deal with right now, I’m not sure what I’m supposed to think. It’s all a bit too much, it’s utterly overwhelming,
I can barely process his words. Maybe it’s not because I’m too small town or boring, maybe he didn’t see himself as so much better than me. It might be a cliché, but maybe it was him not me. All this time I’ve been blaming myself and now I don’t think that was right. It was just him, the pressure, and his immaturity.
“Oh right,” I eventually reply. “I see.”
Brandon chuckles as he sees me struggling for words, it must be written all across my face. “I don’t expect you to forgive me, or anything, I guess I’ve just wanted you to know that for the last year. I’ve been thinking about you ever since I left, and wondering what you’d say if I tried to contact you…”
“You never tried though. I know that much.”
“No, I never did. And I’m sorry about that. Sitting here across from you now, it’s easy to think about all the times I should have picked up the phone, but I didn’t, and I regret that greatly. Maybe we could have salvaged something if I had.”
Oh God, I can’t think about salvaging anything. The idea makes me too sickly for words. I’m pretty sure that far too much has happened now, I don’t think we could go back even if we wanted to. I suppose if I really think about it I can feel the chemistry pull still there, but I don’t want to cave to it. I don’t think it’s a good idea.
“So, your dad…” Seeming to sense that he’s gone too far, Brandon rapidly changes the subject. “How is his treatment going?”
“Oh you know… I think it’s good but I’m not sure that he agrees. He’s proud, he’s always been that way. I think he’d just rather act like it isn’t happening.”
