When wrong feels so right

by Mia Ford

  “Right,” Ally declares as she straightens down her skirt. “I better get back to my desk, answer the million voice mails that I’m sure I’ve gotten since I’ve been here.”

  “Yes, of course.” I nod slowly. “Sounds great.”

  As she leaves me alone, walking with the same swing of her hips that always gets me going, I sit back down at my desk with a deep sigh. I feel good, all deflated and satisfied now. I really could probably leave the office now that I have no meetings for the rest of the day but I can’t let go the control of this place. I’m sure the company won’t fall apart without me but I just hate to give any of it up for even a second. It’s something that I’ve worked so hard on, I can’t just let it go now.

  “Right,” I mutter to myself as I glance around the room trying to work out what needs to be done. “Email, filing, check in with all the managers, see what’s going on in all the departments, and then… home.”

  Home.

  Home is still a good place for me, I have a lot of reasons to go back there, but there are also a lot of sad memories too. Things that I find it hard to be near, that I want to just forget. There are times when my heart still really hurts but I have to keep going. There are too many people that need me.

  Chapter Two – Katy

  “So, Miss Atwater, can you please explain this clause to me again? I don’t think I get it.”

  I really resist the urge to roll my eyes as my client asks me to explain again. This corporate law stuff is so easy to me, it’s like reading a children’s book, so much so that it’s hard for me to remember that it isn’t as easy for everyone else. I have to bite my tongue all the damn time.

  “Yes, of course, let me go through it again. Would you like me to get you another coffee first?

  I rise from my chair, all ready to go and get one whatever his answer is. The break is for me, not him anyways. I need a moment to collect myself together and to keep my cool. It looks like it’s going to be another late night… mind you, every night is a late one here. Ever since I started being a lawyer I haven’t had much of a social life. Then again, I’m sure it’ll be better when I’m a partner. That’s the goal, that’s the moment when my life will get easier. When I’m made a partner.

  The decision for the next partner is coming up soon as well and I know that I’m one of the candidates. I just need to get through the next few weeks and I can be one of the ones who delegate the work rather than take it on. I cannot wait, it’s going to be freaking incredible.

  “Yes, please. A latte would be great. I’ll take a look through this again while I wait.”

  It’s almost pointless for him to do so since he doesn’t understand any of it, but I don’t bother saying that. I give him a smile through gritted teeth instead. “I’ll be right back.”

  As I get to the luxurious coffee machine – the one good thing about working here – I see Grant standing with his head in his hands. My heart skips a beat as I see him, he’s one of those men who manages to be good looking even when he’s been working for twelve hours straight. His blond hair is disheveled, his blue eyes look strained, his skin is sallow and tired… but still I like him. It’s just a shame that the feelings will never be reciprocated. He has a girlfriend who’s so beautiful that it’s actually painful. She’s got long, gorgeous legs, amazing boobs, a great face… and she’s funny too. She’s the complete package types and I’m incredibly jealous of her. Maybe if Grant could see me at my best, out of work, he would see me in the same light but he never does.

  “Long day?” I ask him with a bright, beaming smile. “Looks like you’re having fun.”

  “I’ve just been at it for so long,” he whines pathetically. “I’m so freaking tired.”

  I move to the coffee machine and make some drinks for me and my client. “Yeah tell me about it. Still, it’s the partner meeting soon, we all have to keep it up.”

  Grant is probably the only one person I wouldn’t mind losing, but only because of the ridiculous crush I have on him. I’m so pitiful that I’d actually be happy to see him getting the reward which I so desperately need. I wouldn’t even mind working my ass off for a few extra months if he could be happy. Despite the fact that he has it all already. God, I need to get a grip!

  “Yeah, that’s true.” Grant loosens his tie and shakes his head. “Still, I had plans tonight and I’ve had to cancel again. It gets on top of me a bit sometimes.”

  “Oh shit!” I yank my phone out of my pocket as his words remind me of something. “Oh, my God, I have to make a phone call quickly. Just… could you please watch the drinks for me, will you?”

  Grant gives me an odd look but he nods and agrees with me. I know that I’m acting strange but I need to make this call now before it gets any later. Robyn, my best friend since college, is already going to be mad at me for this, I don’t want to make it worse. I move into an empty hallway with my heart thumping in my throat. I can’t deny that I’m nervous to make this call. I promised faithfully that I wouldn’t let her down this time, but here I am about to do it again.

  I bite down my nail and pace up and down while the phone rings, amping up my nerves more with each passing second. The anticipation is killing me. I can’t stand it.

  “Don’t tell me,” Robyn answers with a weary sounding voice. “You can’t come.”

  “I’m so sorry, I only just remembered I know that I promised, but it’s just that…”

  “Work, I know. I always know. It’s always work.”

  “It’ll get better, I promise you,” I insist maybe a little too frantically. “Once I’m made partner, it’ll be much better I won’t let you down again.”

  “Katy, I know you keep telling me this, but you are always busy. From what I understand the partners at your office are always busy. There doesn’t seem to be anyone in your office that has any kind of social life. I really don’t think anything will change…”

  “Please don’t be mad at me.”

  I can’t lose Robyn, she’s the only one who’s stuck around in my crazy, busy life. When we left college, there were lots of us but most of them drifted off to their own ends of the country to do their own things, but very few remained all stuck together. Except now, they’ve stuck with Robyn but not me. I don’t blame them, I’m never free to do anything so there isn’t much point in inviting me, but still… I cannot lose Robyn.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “I know you are and I’m not mad,” she sighs desperately. “I just worry about you. I think you’re lonely and you work too hard. Mike would have been perfect for you and he was really looking forward to double date with me but with Jon tonight, I just know this is going to crush him.”

  When I think about Robyn and Jon it makes my stomach clench. They’ve only been together for six months but it just works. It’s so obvious that they’re meant to be… that’s what I want. It’s what I want so badly that it hurts, but who would put up with someone who is never around? The only person I can think of who might want to be with me is Grant, because he understands, he’s always at work too. We could make up for lost time by seeing one another at work… but he has a girlfriend and it’s never going to happen. At this rate, I might die alone. Especially if Robyn is right and it won’t get better once I’m a partner. Maybe I will still be as busy. Who knows? Not me, not anymore.

  “I’m sorry. Maybe we can do it again sometime…”

  “Katy, I don’t mean to be horrible, but this is the third time you’ve stood Mike up. I think he’ll only have so much patience, you know?”

  I huff, knowing that she’s right. Mike could be the perfect man for me and I’m constantly letting him down and ruining things before they can even become anything. But I can’t send Mr. Thomas away now. Not so close to the partner meeting. Unfortunately, I have to choose work over love once more. Story of my damn life. I just really hope it isn’t always this way.

  “I’m sorry, Robyn. And I’m sorry to Mike too.”

  “I know you are. Just… make sure
this all makes you happy, okay? I’ll speak to you soon.”

  Once I hang up the phone, I stare at the screen for a moment, wondering why Robyn’s words have made me feel so weird inside. Of course, work makes me happy, that’s why I spend so much time at it, that’s why it’s all I care about. I went to college to study law for a reason, it called to me and I’ve always known that it’s what I want. Sure, it isn’t quite what I dreamed but it can’t be that way right away. Everyone has to go through the hard bits before their dreams fully come true. That’s common knowledge. If it comes easy then there isn’t any point to it. Is there?

  So why do I feel right now like it doesn’t make me happy? Why do I feel like I can’t breathe? Like my lungs have collapsed and my heart is racing far too quickly? Why does it feel like the walls are closing in on me and that I might be trapped at any given moment? I could panic, if I wanted to, but I’m doing everything that I can to ensure that doesn’t happen. I can’t panic right now, not when I have so much I need to do. I have to get the coffees, I have to get back to Mr. Thomas, I need to explain to him the same thing over and over again until I’m just about ready to tear my own hair out…

  “Katy?” Grant’s chocolaty smooth voice runs right through me, making me jump and snap my eyes up to see him. I feel like I’ve gone crazy and I’m scared he might see that. “Are you okay?”

  “Oh… yeah, of course.” I try to act blasé but I don’t know whether or not I pull it off. From the look on his face I don’t. “Just erm… on the phone, cancelling plans you know how it is.” I let out a laugh, but it’s too weak to really pass off. “Same old, same old.”

  “Yeah well…” Grant hands me the two coffee drinks that I made earlier, snapping me back into action. “That’s what you get for being one of the best legal minds in the country.”

  “What… what do you mean by that?” I can barely stand to look at him because he dazzles me so much. “Best legal mind?”

  “Well you are, aren’t you? One of the best I mean. I was just saying to Tatiana…” I have to really struggle not to shudder at the mere mention of her name. “That I have some real tough competition in you. I wouldn’t be surprised if you beat me to the partner position at all.”

  I smile weakly at him, soaking the compliment up like a sponge. The thing is, I am an amazing lawyer, that’s the reason I’m being considered for partner so soon. That’s why I work my ass off all the time. There are reasons that this is worth it.

  “Thank you, Grant, that’s… nice of you. Of course, I’m not really your competition, but still. Thank you.”

  “Oh, you are. But I don’t have time to stand around flattering you all day long. Or all night long, what time is it again?” I laugh at his pitiful joke. “I best get back, and judging by the temperature of those drinks you had too. I’ll see you later, I’m sure.”

  “Yep. See ya.”

  When he gives me a warm grin I feel some of my confidence return. I’ll prove Robyn wrong, she won’t be able to get rid of me once I’m a partner. It’ll all be just fine. I clutch the drinks tighter and I walk with a bounce in my step back to Mr. Thomas. Yes, I’m still annoyed that I’ll have to spend most of the time explaining things to him again, but it’s all just small cogs towards my end goal. That shining star, the title partner.

  “Right, Mr. Thomas,” I declare with a grin. Going out for a coffee was definitely a good idea. I have a new spark again. I can face him with a genuine interest. “What do you need help with?”

  Chapter Three – Evan

  Just as I finally give up and I start gathering up my things to go home, hours after I probably could have left, the phone at my desk rings out. Ally has already left, she’s almost always out the door at five o clock on the dot, so it’s up to me to decide whether or not it’s a call I want to take. The answering machine is on, I could just take a message in the morning, but there’s something inside of me itching, unable to just let it go. Screw it, I need to know who it is.

  “Hello, Evan DeBroils speaking.” I’m almost panting with desperation. “How may I help you?”

  “Evan, it’s Barry.” My heart sinks as I hear my accountant’s firm tone. “I’ve been trying to reach you for days. You’ve been very difficult to speak to.”

  I gulp noisily. I can’t tell him that I informed Ally that she needed to field all his calls and make excuses for why I can’t speak to him because I don’t want to face the impending truth. I know it won’t make any difference, I’m sure things will happen regardless, but by burying my head in the sand I thought I would buy myself some more time. Now, I’m stuck facing it.

  I should have let it go to voice mail, I think sadly. What an idiot.

  “Oh, Barry. Sorry, you know Ally. Sometimes she doesn’t realize when people are making essential calls…” Maybe I should feel guilty for sullying Ally’s name, but I don’t.

  “Right, well. I do need to speak to you. Is now a good time?”

  No! Make an excuse. Run away… but I know I can’t. I need to work out what I can do.

  “Sure.” I fall wearily back into my office chair. “I can talk.”

  “I won’t take up too much of your time, I just need to discuss the financial situation with you.” My eyes fall closed as guilt threatens to consume me whole. “As you know, things are not good. They haven’t been good for a very long time. As I tried to advise you, you expanded at a pace that was much too rapid and now you are hemorrhaging money and you don’t have to focus to start making money back because there is just too much for you. There have been threats from investors and the banks…”

  “I’ll just put more of my own money into it,” I interject quickly, needing to make all these horrible thoughts stop. It’s easy to lose my confidence which often borders on arrogance, when I have this heavy reminder that I’ve failed. I knew this was coming. “This is my fault so I’ll foot the bill…”

  “Quite frankly, you can’t.” Barry is firm with me. “That won’t work again. You will end up bankrupt yourself, and as well I know you cannot allow that to happen.

  “Then I will restructure…” I run my hand through my hair and tug at the ends with stress. “I’ll close some of the offices, make the operations smaller, get things back to how they used to be…”

  “That is coming much too late, Evan, I’m afraid that just isn’t going to work.”

  A thick silence clings to the air which makes the ice-cold terror bolt through my system. I’ve seen the numbers, I knew that things weren’t good, but it’s starting to sound like Barry thinks I don’t have any options. I don’t want to hear that! I need answers and fast.

  “Look, Evan.” Barry sighs. “I don’t want your firm to go to auction. I know what the stakes are for you and I also know how hard you’ve worked. The last thing anyone wants is for everything to go belly up, but you need to be realistic. Maybe it’s time you find a buyer…”

  “No,” I shoot back quickly. “The company is mine. I’m not getting a buyer.”

  “I know that’s your opinion, but I don’t want you to lose everything. I can’t see any investor worth his or her salt getting involved with a business that has such a poor structure. You know?”

  My heart races painfully in my chest and my head starts to spin. It can’t end like this, it just can’t. I absolutely refuse to accept it. “Are there any other options?”

  “I mean, you can present a case that suggests you will make things better, but you need a lawyer for that to work and I’m not sure that’s something you can afford right now…”

  “I’ll do it.” A ray of hope, that’s all I need. A small ray. “I’ll sort it, don’t worry.”

  “I don’t know if that’s what I would advise. You’ll need the best of the best.”

  My computer is already rebooting, I’m doing this. Even if it’s a last ditch attempt then I have to try. I can’t give up, that will never be me. And if I can do this in a discrete way so no other businesses work out what’s going on, even better. I already fee
l happier knowing that I’m trying.

  “Yeah, thanks, Barry.” I’m already pulling the phone away from my ear, distracted. “Bye!”

  I slam the phone back down and I flick through the Internet at the speed of light. I’ve used various law companies during my time as a business man but there’s only one that I remember really impressing me. Harrison and Associates. I had a young lad representing me then and he did an incredible job. I think they’re the only company I would trust with this.

  Once I find the number I put in the call without even considering the time. It’s nearly seven PM, so there’s a chance that I won’t get a response, but any law firm worth anything tends to work through the night. I’m sure Harrison and Associates counts in that.

  “Hello, Harrison and Associates, Deborah speaking.” She sounds professional, not exhausted. She must be a secretary. I’m impressed! Deborah isn’t out the door at five! “How may I help you?”

  “My name is Evan Debroils,” I begin. “I have used your law firm in the past…”

  “Ah yes,” she replies warmly. “I remember. I spoke with you a lot then.”

  I feel horrible that I can’t remember, but that’s because I’m usually pushing forwards, never pausing to stop in the present to consider the past. Maybe that’s what got me in such a mess in the first place.

  “You worked with Grant then, didn’t you? Back when he first started at the firm.”

  “Ah yes, Grant. Can I speak to him?” It sounds like he’s still there, which is perfect.

  “He’s actually with another client at the moment.” Of course, he is. Busy as always! This is the sort of thing that makes him the best, his dedication. “But if you give me some details about what you want, then I will pass the message on and get him to call you back at his earliest convenience.”

  “Ah right.” I feel nervous. I don’t know if I want to share such details about my current situation with Deborah, but I suppose I have to. There’s a high level of confidentiality anyway, so I really shouldn’t worry. I just don’t like it, it hurts my pride. “Okay, well here it is…”