When wrong feels so right

by Mia Ford

  It’s much better for me to keep my distance as much as I can until all of this is over. Work is fine, lunch is okay if maybe pushing it a bit, but that’s all. If I keep this simple and I push all my emotions down, then I might just survive this unscathed.

  Hopefully!

  Chapter Nine – Evan

  Oh my God, what is wrong with me? I think with a smirk as I take my seat opposite Katy in the cozy little Italian restaurant I’ve chosen for lunch. This isn’t a date, it’s just a normal business meal.

  I know that, I’m not an idiot. Just because I’m paying for this out of my own money rather than the business expenses doesn’t make it any less of a work thing, so I don’t understand why I feel so giddy inside. Last night I could barely sleep, I just kept thinking about what it would be like to be alone with Katy in a much more relaxed atmosphere. I lay awake in my bed all night long planning what I would say to ensure that we don’t have an awkward silence. Then all morning I’ve spent wired, like an excitable bunny. Even Katy has noticed it, it’s embarrassing. It’s as if I’m on my first date ever! It’s crazy. I can’t work out why I’m being such a freak.

  Once my butt hits the chair, I cough to try and cover up the rapid breaths falling out of my mouth. I also want to cover up the noise my heart is making as it rattles against my rib cage, trying to burst free from my chest. I wish I could be as cool as I normally am, this suck!

  “This is a nice place,” Katy tells me with a thin smile. “Do you come here a lot?”

  I can see what she’s asking, she wants to probe if I bring a lot of women here. I can see why she’d think that because it has got much more of a romantic date like feel to it than what I really planned for. There are candles in the middle of each table, which are lit despite the fact that it’s mid-afternoon, the tables are small which means we’re sitting quite close to each other, and the high backs to the chair give quite a private, intimate feel. I suppose this is the sort of place that I’d bring a date. Not that I ever date. Even in the old days when I used to fool around a lot I didn’t really date.

  “No, I came here once with a business colleague,” I tell her honestly. “But I think we sat at a much bigger table, this feels a bit too close, doesn’t it?” I figure I should just address it so she doesn’t feel awkward. “Do you want me to ask if we can move?”

  “Oh no, it’s fine. I’m too hungry to start moving tables,” Katy laughs as she picks up a menu. “It’s been so long since I’ve eaten something that didn’t come out of a take away carton that I’m just too excited for words. I think I can hear my stomach growling.”

  As her eyes devour the menu it seems like it’s the best thing that she’s ever seen, I examine her closely. It’s nice to be able to look at her without her eyes glaring back at me like she’s trying to work out what I’m thinking. She’s so inquisitive all the time, like she needs to know everything in my brain. I don’t know if it’s the lawyer in her, or if she’s simply a control freak like me. I feel the same way, I suppose. I want to know everything that’s going on inside her mind, but I’m so busy being closed off myself that I can’t read her. I can’t let her into my life for obvious reasons, but I wonder why she’s so shut off. She’s got such high walls, it’s crazy. I wish I could break them down.

  She’s so beautiful when she doesn’t think anyone’s looking at her. When her walls are down and her face is relaxed, she’s truly the most stunning woman that I’ve ever seen. I just want to cup her face in my hands and kiss her hard. Even when she has her usual style of scraped back hair and no make-up on, she’s still gorgeous, but today she’s allowed her freshly washed hair to spill down her back and it looks like she might actually have a little bit of make-up highlighting her eyes. I don’t know if she’s done that because of lunch, or because of me, but it excites me.

  “I think I might have a calzone,” Katy finally looks at me with a grin. “They look really good here. What did you have the last time you came?”

  “Oh, a pizza from what I remember. Or maybe it was pasta. I can’t remember. It was good though, everything here is good from what I’ve heard.”

  At that moment, the waiter comes over and interrupts me from getting into a full blown weird rant about why everything tastes so nice. I’m acting so odd, like this is the first time that I’ve ever spoken to a woman in my entire life. I don’t know what’s happened to the cool, calm, and collected version of me that I am usually. Who am I now? What is going on? Katy has turned me into a school boy with a crush, like a nerd who’s trying to talk to a cheerleader.

  It must be because she isn’t falling at my feet, that’s all I can think of. She hasn’t yet flashed flirty eyes at me, and she hasn’t draped over me. I’m not used to it and it has me hooked. I guess that leaves me with two pressing choices, either I keep things in the professional manner that they should be and I behave like an adult. After all, I need Katy, she’s doing the most important work for me that anyone has ever done, I don’t want to do anything that could stop her continuing on my case or I really will lose everything… or I could flirt harder. I could make her admit her feelings for me to herself and I could try and get her walls to come crashing down around her.

  Urgh, this choice is so much harder than it needs to be. It’s driving me nuts.

  Once the waiter leaves, I stare at Katy hard and she notices. I must be giving her such an intense look that she can’t even act polite and pretend that I’m not being odd.

  “Is something going on?” she asks me curiously. “You’re… looking at me strangely.”

  This is it, my moment to make a choice. Do I act like an adult or do I act like a horny teenager with absolutely no control? Rationality and my natural impulse battles itself inside me hard.

  “I’m just… looking at you,” I answer pitifully, not really picking a side. “You’re…”

  “Yeah,” she replies raspily, shocking me. “I think I know what you mean.”

  That stuns me into silence. I wasn’t expecting that. Does she know what I mean? Does she feel the same way about me? She’s obviously being cryptic because of the professional relationship that we have, but just knowing that she feels something calms me down just a little bit. Maybe I don’t need to know anything more, maybe that’s enough…

  But as we look at each other and I feel that deep stirring in my chest, I know this isn’t enough. I know I want more. I can almost feel my fingers itching to reach forward, to grab her, to tear off her clothes and to kiss every damn inch of her skin. I don’t even mind that we’re in public, everyone can damn well watch if they want… actually no, I don’t like that at all. If things ever were to go that way with Katy I wouldn’t want it to be something seedy like what I’ve had with Ally. I’d want it to be something special, something different. Oh my God, what is wrong with me? I think again.

  “So, do you have any questions for me?” Katy asks me with a question in her eyes. “Is there anything you want to know about the plans we’re setting out?”

  Right, business. That’s what we’re here to discuss, so that’s what we should focus on. It really doesn’t matter if we’re sharing feelings with each other, work comes first. “I don’t know, I don’t think so. You’ve been really clear on everything.”

  “Good, good. Right. Well now we just need to get some official documents drawn up. I need to make some calls to some people, and you need to get some signatures, but after that we’re almost ready for our meeting. That’s pretty good, right?”

  I nod, not really having anything to contribute to this conversation now. I really feel like we’ve covered everything this morning. “Yes, that is good. I’m… excited.”

  I don’t know how excited I am actually. Mostly I’m just nervous. I’m anxious about all of these changes that will affect my company that I’m not controlling. Maybe I did push too hard, too quickly and I created a mess of things, but that was my decision. Everything I did, I decided. Now this is all going to be controlled by everyone else. The banks are goin
g to be agreeing on what I can and can’t do, and I’m just going to have to agree on it. It sucks. I don’t like it at all. The banks don’t know about my father and all the heart that he put into it, they don’t understand why I want to keep certain aspects of it as it is. They’re just going to be heartless and do what they think will make the most money.

  I hate it, but I have to go along with it.

  Katy seems to sense my anxiety because she reaches forward and she touches my hand. “It will be okay. You do know that, right? You can trust me. I will make this work for you. I actually have a lot riding on it myself, you know, this isn’t all about you.”

  As she lets out a laugh, I can hear the strain there. There’s something to that comment, and I need to know what it is. “You do, huh?” I ask while I lean in closer to listen to her.

  “I do actually.” Her cheeks taint pink. “I’m up for partner at the law firm.”

  I don’t know what that means, I don’t really speak lawyer, but I’m sure it spells out promotion. “Well that’s great news. You definitely deserve it since you are so amazing at your job. In fact, who do I need to call to put in a good word for you? Who do I need to discuss your amazing abilities with to make this partner thing happen for you?”

  Katy giggles appreciatively and she tucks stray strands of hair behind her ear. “Oh well that’s really kind of you. But you can’t put in a call for me, I haven’t really done anything yet. We don’t know which way it’s going to go. I’m not saying that I’m going to fail, I’m just saying we can’t kiss any ass yet… even if I need to be made partner desperately.”

  “Oh well with you in charge I do know. I’m sure you’re going to kick ass for me. In fact, I’m banking on it. And you should be a partner, you deserve it.”

  She smiles at me, the sweetest grin that I’ve ever seen in my life and she thanks me. As she speaks I stare at her lips with a deep fixation. Katy has the most gorgeous mouth that I’ve ever seen. I want to kiss her. That urge keeps washing powerfully over me, almost knocking me from my seat. I don’t think this is just something I want to do because she hasn’t let me yet, I think I might really like her a lot. I think I might be developing feelings for the first person in years. I don’t know if that’s something I can ignore.

  Shit, I’m a mess. What am I going to do?

  Chapter Ten – Katy

  I can feel something happening between me and Evan. It’s been happening all day long. Something powerful is changing between us, and I don’t know what to do about it. I could feel something underlying under the surface all morning, but we had business to distract us then. Lunch has been a different matter. We haven’t had anything else to take our focus off one another. Even when we’ve tried to talk about something else, the tension has still been there.

  “Thank you for lunch,” I say with a bright smile as Evan comes back from the counter where he’s paid the waitress. “That was really nice of you. You didn’t have to do that.”

  “Oh, it’s just a work meal,” he plays it off. “I can claim it as business.”

  I don’t think he’s going to do that, not when the company is in so much trouble, but I let him get away with his lie because it’s much easier than challenging it when things are all strange.

  “Well thank you, it’s still very nice of you.” I tug my coat around my shoulders. “Do you want to get back to the office now? We still have stuff we can do this afternoon…”

  “Yeah, I suppose so.” Evan shrugs his shoulders. “I mean I need to get back to get stuff done, but you don’t have to if you don’t want to. You can take the rest of the day off if you want?”

  “Oh yeah, that’s what I’ll do. I’ll take the rest of the day off,” I reply sarcastically. “I don’t know if you know many lawyers, but we never get afternoon off. Even if I’m not working with you, I’ll have to go back to my office and be buried under paper work.” The thought of how much paper I probably have piled up in my tray makes me shudder. “There’s never any down time.”

  “Never? Ooh that sounds horrible. I mean, I know that I’m always at work but that’s my choice. It’s my business. Doing it for someone else would drive me mad.”

  “Yeah well.” I sigh loudly. “That’s why I need to be made partner. Then things won’t be so stressful. I won’t be so busy. I might actually get something of my life back.”

  Evan gives me a sidelong glance. “Are you sure that’s going to be the case? Are you certain that you’ll be less busy once you’re a partner?” he asks me observantly. “Are you sure it won’t just get a million times worse? I don’t know much about the law world, but they always seem busy.”

  That’s a reality that I want to face even less than the idea of not being made a partner at all. I don’t want to get my dream, I don’t want to achieve my goal just to learn that it isn’t what I think it’s going to be. I don’t know how my fragile ego will be able to take that.

  “I don’t know,” I admit for the first time, letting out fear I didn’t know was there. “I hope so, I’ve been working towards that goal with that idea in mind so I kind of really need it to work out.”

  Evan walks next to me silently for a few moments, seemingly stuck in his own thoughts. I want to ask him what he’s thinking, I want to know if he knows something about the law world that I can’t see because I’m so stuck in the middle of it, but I can’t quite find the words.

  “You know what, you should come and work with me for the afternoon, I think that’ll be awesome. We do have stuff that we need to get done anyway and I don’t like the idea of you stuck in an office alone, buried under paper work. I know you might think that you need to get all of that done, but I’m supposed to be your most important client, remember?”

  I laugh, unable to stop myself and I nod. He’s right that I need to get to work because I have so much to do, but I can also justify my time with Evan because he is such an important client. The idea of being with him is so much more appealing than anyone else anyway. His presence, while confusing and filled with conflicting emotions, is preferable to being near anyone else. Even Grant… God I never thought that day would come. I’ve always wanted to be near Grant. This is mad.

  “Sure,” I reply with a nervous gulp. “That sounds good.”

  Before we can take another step, Evan spins to face me with an inquisitive look in his eyes, which causes me to stop in my tracks. We’re in the middle of the busy sidewalk with people rushing past us, but in that moment, it just feels like it’s only the two of us. The rest of the world melts away and I lose myself in his eyes. This is a moment that I could live in forever more, quite happily.

  He takes a step closer with his hands outstretched and I find my body being magnetically pulled towards him as well. I have no idea what’s happening, but I do want to find out. Even if it’s wrong and we both end up in a complicated mess, I just want to know…

  Is he going to kiss me? I ask myself as his hands brush my cheeks. Is this really happening? I fall into a trance, the sensation of his hands holding onto my cheeks switching off my brain completely. All I want to do is fall into his embrace, I want him to hold me, I want to know what it’s like to be the girl in his arms, I want to succumb to the temptation that’s been circling between us ever since we first met, I want to do the taboo thing and actually have some fun for once, screw the consequences.

  I rise up onto my tip toes as my heart hammers violently against my rib cage. My lips purse without me even thinking about it, getting themselves ready to get the prize and finally kiss Evan…

  Ring, ring… Ring, ring… Ring, ring…

  His cell phone blasts out, interrupting us both, which breaks the magic of the moment completely and causes me and Evan to fall apart as reality creeps back in. We really shouldn’t be this close, we cannot be kissing. His phone ringing actually happened at exactly the right moment then, it stopped us from doing something incredibly stupid. Something we would have regretted for sure.

  “I better answer this,”
he says in a shaky tone of voice. “It might be… important.”

  Back to the secret phone calls, of course. Just another reason why me and Evan are incompatible. I need these reasons. “Yes, of course, you answer away. I’ll just wait here.”

  He steps to the side of a building and he talks quietly into the handset. I don’t listen but I couldn’t hear even if I wanted to. Let him have his crazy secret little life, it’s probably a wife or something equally crazy. The rich asshole types who are sleeping with their secretaries usually do have wives. Instead I use the time to remind myself that me and Evan are in public and we are also working together, so we need to behave as such. We can’t be kissing or even almost kissing, it just isn’t right.

  Once Evan comes back to me, he keeps his cell phone pointed in my direction which is strange. During the short time that I’ve spent with him he’s always really weird about his phone, keeping it close to him. Now, I can see a little insight into his life and what I see isn’t expected at all.

  “Who’s that?” I ask while pointing to the phone screen. “Who’s that young boy?”

  His face pales, he looks a little freaked out by my question which only piques my interest even more. “Oh, well I don’t tell many people about this, because you know, it’s my private life and everything but it’s…” He pauses and breaths deep, seemingly panicking. “He’s my son.”

  My heart falls out of my shoes, I don’t know what to think. He has a son? I mean, I know I thought that he might have a wife, but a child…? That’s something else. He’s like an actual family man. All of a sudden, the image I have of him out screwing a different supermodel every night shatters into nothing. Maybe I’ve misjudged him and he isn’t like that at all.

  “You have a son?” I ask quietly. “I didn’t know that. I mean, of course I didn’t know that. You’ve just said that you don’t tell anyone… but wow.” I glance up at him, the shock plastered across my face. “I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’m shocked but I am. You have a son.”