When wrong feels so right

by Mia Ford

  “I only have until the end of the month which is two weeks away,” she sighs deeply. “But yeah, I’ll think it all through properly. I don’t want to make a choice that I’m going to end up regretting.” She turns to face me with sadness rolling behind her eyes. “But I won’t let it affect my work for you, so you don’t ever need to worry about that.”

  “Some things are more important than work,” I tell her, shocking even myself. “Whatever happens, we’ll make it work. It’s all going to be fine.”

  Chapter Sixteen – Katy

  I stare at the computer screen until my eyes feels fuzzy, just drinking the email in. It’s really great news written in the email, it helps me a lot with Evan’s case because it’ll help me to buy some time for him to sort out his finances, but I can’t get as excited as I once would have. Not when I’ve got this dilemma running through my brain. To be partner or not… I can’t believe it’s even a question. I should be jumping at the chance, I should be over the moon, but it just doesn’t feel like the amazing goal that it once did. I don’t have the same shiny ring to it.

  “Knock, knock,” Grant’s voice rings through my office. “Can I come in?”

  A heaviness overcomes me as I glance up to look at him, my eyelids feel incredibly heavy, but I force a weak smile onto my lips. “Yeah sure, is everything okay, Grant?”

  He doesn’t answer me, he waltzes into my office and takes the seat opposite me. It’s a place that he’s sat a million times before and I’ve always wanted him there, but now I feel uncomfortable, like we’re two different species who don’t understand one another at all. I don’t know what’s changed… maybe it’s because I’m a rule breaker now, someone who sleeps with clients.

  Oh God. Don’t think about that now… not with Grant in the room.

  “What, erm… what’s going on?” I cock my head curiously at him. “All okay?”

  “Yeah, I’ve just come in to check on you. I’ve been a little worried.”

  “You’re worried about me?” I’m taken aback by this remark. I don’t know why, but it feels weird coming from him now. Insincere, maybe, since I know how disappointed he was when the partner announcement was made. He tried to look like he didn’t care, but I could see it written all over his face. I wonder what his angle is now, maybe he wants to check that I’m not going to take the partner job because he wants it for himself. “But why? There isn’t anything to worry about.”

  Grant crosses one leg over the other and he folds his arms across his chest. Then he stares at me like I’ve grown an extra head or something. I feel like I’m a naughty school girl about to get yelled at by the head teacher for acting out in class. In that moment, all the inappropriate memories of Evan and his amazing tongue fills my brain, making me blush brightly.

  “Nothing to worry about? Katy, there is plenty to worry about. You got offered the partner position, which I know you’ve been aiming for forever and you turn it down…”

  “I didn’t turn it down, I just said that I’d think about it,” I jump back in defensively. Something about his words really freak me out. “Nothing is set in stone yet.”

  “Yes, of course.” Grant nods slowly. “I understand that. What I don’t understand is why. Why would you need to think about it? Why isn’t the answer obvious?”

  I purse my lips thoughtfully. Rationally I know he’s right but it just isn’t that simple anymore. “I know, but what about having a social life? What about spending time with friends and family? What about making connections and having relationships? I can’t do any of that working in Harrison and Associates, now or as a partner. I’ve always thought it would get better when I was made partner, but now I’m not so sure. Everyone here works all the time, no one has any time off…”

  “Yeah I get that. But, it’s worth it, isn’t it? We have good money, success, we’re important, and we’ll be able to retire early. Isn’t all of that worth it?”

  I stare at him with wide confused eyes. “But what about your girlfriend? Doesn’t she mind you never being around? You do so many all nighters here that it must put a strain on things.”

  He shifts uncomfortably in his seat and flickers his eyes away from me. I can tell that I’ve hit the nail on the head with that remark. “I suppose so, I mean…” He sighs loudly. “Look, I know that you’re right with that one, we’ve split up actually for that reason, but it is what it is. I just need to find someone who’s a bit more open to my schedule.”

  I sigh loudly as my heart sinks. It probably should be good news that Grant is now single, especially when he’ll be looking for someone who understands his schedule – just like me, since mine is just as busy – but it isn’t. Not now that I’ve met Evan. He’s changed absolutely everything for me. Now I’ve seen real passion and I’ve felt a tiny bit of what a relationship can be like. I don’t want something stilted and confined by lack of time. I don’t want a relationship where we stare at each other, tired and bleary eyed across an office. That isn’t for me at all.

  “I’m sorry to hear that, Grant, but that only proves my point. I just don’t know what to do at the moment. I haven’t made any real decisions yet. I need to think about it still… when I get a moment.”

  He reaches out to grab my hand and he gives me an intense look. “You aren’t actually thinking about turning the job down, are you? Because it sounds to me like you don’t even want to be at the company anymore. I don’t know what it’ll be like without you here. I’ll miss you, we all will.”

  His words make my heart flutter wildly, but I don’t feel my decision shift. I still don’t know what to do. Just because Grant wants me here, it doesn’t mean I want to be here anymore. Somehow, I need to find a way to keep up with my law career and have a life as well.

  I do need to figure it out, but right now I need to get out of this office before the walls close around me. “I need to get out of here for a bit, I have to meet with a client,” I say while standing up. “But thanks, Grant. That was a good chat. It means a lot to me.”

  “I just don’t want to lose you,” he tells me intensely. “That’s all.”

  His words leave me all churned up in knots, so as I leave the office I make a desperate phone call to someone who will give me another point of view. I don’t want to get swayed either way, I just need a selection of opinions to help me make up my mind and this person will see my lack of life outside work over everything else. She’s the perfect person to give me the opposite opinion.

  “Hello, Katy? Is everything alright?” Robyn gushes, sounding terribly concerned about me. “It isn’t like you to call me in the middle of the day.”

  “Oh, sorry I didn’t mean to worry you, I just need to talk to you about something. Do you have a moment? Are you at work?”

  “Yeah, I am, but I can talk. There’s no one in the store right now so it’s cool.”

  I breathe deeply as I slide into my car and I start telling her my story. “Well, you know how I was working towards being a partner? Well, I’ve been offered the job.”

  “Oh, my God, that’s amazing! That’s what you’ve been wanting isn’t it? You must be so happy. Do you want to go out and celebrate? We could go and get drinks, since you’ll have more time.”

  “The thing is,” I jump in rapidly, needing to make her see that she isn’t on the right line at the moment. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t know whether I should take it or not.”

  “Oh.” There’s an awkward silence and I totally know why. The last time I spoke to Robyn about it, I was all keen on becoming partner, I told her it was all I’ve ever wanted. I made a big deal about it and now… well now things have changed. I haven’t even seen her to talk about Evan yet, so this new change in me is going to be very strange to Robyn. “I see. So, you didn’t immediately jump in and take it? I thought…”

  “I know,” I reply with a sad shake of my head. “I thought so too. I guess I just think that you might be right. Everything might not change and I might still be just as busy.”


  “Yeah…” she drawls. She definitely thinks that, which makes my heart sink lower. “I don’t think everything will get a lot better if you become partner, but if that’s what you want to do then you shouldn’t let that affect you. It’s your dream, isn’t it?”

  “I thought it was. But now I don’t know.”

  “What has changed? This just seems so out of the blue for you. I mean, I’m going to be honest with you, I think you’d be much better off out of that office but that’s just me. I think life is more for living not working, but that’s why you’re the successful one and I’m not.”

  Her words make my life feel so empty, I really have just been a husk, existing for such a long time. My life is so gray and boring… I want to inject some color into it. “What else can I do though, Robyn? Being a lawyer is all I know. I just don’t see any other option for me.”

  “Oh, Katy,” Robyn laughs. “You are the smartest person I know. I’m sure you can do whatever you set your mind to. If you’re serious about getting out of that office, then I’ll support you. I’ll help you, you won’t be alone in your decision.”

  I breathe a little freer as I realize she’s right. Just because being a lawyer is all I’ve ever known doesn’t mean I have to spend my entire life doing it. It might not be easy, but I can do something else if I want. I can step out of the box that I’ve created around myself and spread my wings. Robyn will be there for me, always. She’s proven that to me.

  “And since you might be getting your life back, maybe you can finally meet Michael…”

  “Actually, about that,” I blush as I interrupt. I need to let Robyn know the truth before I’m forced to let Michael down again. “I might not be able to meet Michael. I might have met someone.”

  “Oh, my God,” she coos. “That’s amazing. I’m so happy for you. Is that what’s brought about this change? If so, then my God I’m happy and I cannot wait to meet this guy.”

  “Well, not yet, things aren’t that set in stone. It’s all just… beginning.”

  “I want to meet up with you soon so I can get all the gossip, okay? I know you’re always busy but you need to make time for me.”

  I laugh at her little joke. “Yes, I will do. I’ll text you when I get a chance. Love you, Robyn.”

  “Yeah, I love you too, babe. See you soon, okay? Can’t wait to hang out!”

  As I hang up the phone to her, I feel a brightness in my chest. This decision has been weighing heavily on me ever since I first heard about it but now I don’t think it’s quite so soul destroying as it once felt. Robyn has made me see that there’s more to life. Maybe, as scary as it is, I can walk away from being a lawyer and do something else.

  But not for now. Right now, I have to help Evan with his business. Once I’ve done that, then I can start making all the choices about my future. One thing at a time.

  Chapter Seventeen – Evan

  “No, it’s okay. I understand that it’s your day off. Thank you anyway, Marie.”

  I hang up the phone and look at my boy who’s playing in the corner of my office. So much for keeping his existence away from my employees. They all know that I have a child now! But it can’t be helped, the sickness bug hit Anika hard, it came from nowhere and she doesn’t want to pass it on to Liam. After calling all the other nannies and finding out that none of them are available today, she didn’t have any choice but to bring him here. I just don’t like Liam being in the office, it’s boring for him. I might have to leave in a moment to take him home…

  “Hey, how’s it going… oh!” Katy’s face contorts in shock as she sees me and Liam alone in my office. “I’m sorry, have I got the date wrong? Am I not supposed to be here?”

  I can tell that she feels awkward, which isn’t surprising. I feel it too. I always keep the women in my life away from my son until I know for sure that they’re going to last… which of course hasn’t been any of them so far, so this is strange. I can’t halt it now, it’s too late.

  “No, you are.” I move across the room and rub Liam’s head. He glances up from the tablet screen he’s playing on, but only for a second. He’s engulfed in the game. “We just have a bit of an unexpected visitor at the moment. Liam’s nanny is sick, so I might need to go home. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be a jerk, I should have called you to save you the trip.”

  “Oh right, okay, I see.” Katy nods slowly. “There’s some stuff I really need to go through with you today. Do you have time?”

  I know that once me and Katy get started with talking business, we can talk for hours, so doing it here with Liam in the room isn’t ideal. I’ll be distracted by him the whole time. Instead we need to go somewhere we can all be a little more comfortable. This isn’t something I would ever normally do, but I don’t see what choice I have right now.

  “Did you want to come to my home with me to talk about it? That way Liam has all his toys and stuff to play with and we have snacks on tap? Me and you can get some real discussion time in.”

  The thought of Katy in my large home actually brings a bit of a smile to my face. I haven’t wanted anyone to invade my personal space before, which just confirms how deep my feelings for Katy are. I like her, too damn much. She’s just so awesome. I guess in a way this will be a weird test for us. If she can’t handle being around Liam then we can both take a step back now before we get too involved with each other. That way, it won’t hurt so much and Liam won’t get attached.

  “Oh yeah.” Katy’s face lights up with glee. “That sounds great actually.” She glances towards Liam, with a shining happiness in her eyes. She doesn’t look as freaked out as she probably should be. “Then we have plenty of time to go over all of this.”

  I pat Liam on the back. “Come on, buddy, let’s get going. We’ll head home to play there.”

  “No,” he instantly whines. “I don’t want to leave. I want to keep playing this game, it’s fun!”

  I sigh loudly, preparing myself for a battle, but somehow it doesn’t quite head that way. Instead, Katy bends down and she stares right into Liam’s eyes which forces him to meet her gaze.

  “Hey, Liam, my name is Katy. Do you think maybe we could go back to your house so you can show me your toys? I bet you’ve got lots of superhero stuff, haven’t you?”

  Liam drops the tablet on his side and opens his eyes wide and excitedly. “I do! I have a Batman, and an Iron Man, and I also have a Hulk. He stomps around like this…”

  Liam jumps up from his chair and he stomps around like a mad man. I expect Katy to freak out a bit but she laughs and joins in with him. I haven’t ever seen him take to anyone so quickly, not even any of his nannies. He’s known for taking a moment to warm up to people so this is shocking. Maybe he has an intuition and he can see right into Katy’s warm soul.

  “Wow, that’s awesome,” Katy laughs gleefully. “Now you have to show me all your toys.”

  “Yeah.” Liam grabs my hand and he pulls me. “Come on, Daddy, we have to get going. I need to show the nice lady my toys.”

  “The nice lady is called Katy,” I call after him. “But yeah, come on let’s go.”

  ***

  I chuckle to myself as I watch Katy and Liam in the middle of an intense game of… well, something or other. I think it started out as alien hunter but now I’m not so sure. It’s transformed into something crazy, but they’re both having a lot of fun, that’s the main thing. It’s left me sitting at my home desk reading through the paper work alone, but I don’t mind.

  “Daddy!” Liam calls out while shrieking playfully. “Daddy, come and play.”

  “I can’t come and play, I’m in the middle of doing something…” I answer wearily. But as I rub my forehead hard I realize that I’m not actually getting much done now. I’m reading and re reading the same sentences and not drinking anything in. “Do you know what, I’m coming.”

  I leap off my chair and I grab a pretend gun to join in. It feels good to actually have some fun in my life, especially with my child. As w
e race around the house, throwing cushions around everywhere, I feel high as a kite. It makes me see that I’ve shut off from Liam more than I realized, he hasn’t had any time to actually get to know me which is wrong. I need to bring myself back into his life more, I need to be the father that he needs me to be. I need to make up for his lack of mother. I just quite simply need to be better. I can do that. It’s fine.

  As I watch Katy play with complete free abandon, I know that it’s her who’s made me have this revelation. Without her, I never would have seen my mistakes when it comes to Liam. She’s made me realize that I’m a workaholic and that I can’t always be that way. Once the business restructure has been set into place, I’m going to take a bit of a step back. Yes, I still want to make a success of the company for my father’s sake… but actually I think he would be proud of me if I could be there for Liam more. That’s where my focus should be.

  “Daddy, is Katy staying for dinner?” Liam calls out. “She’s fun. I want her to play with me more. I want her to read me a bed time story as well.”

  “Erm…” That might be a bit too much for Katy, I don’t want to push her too far. This is all a bit much for me so I know it must be crazy. She only found out that I’m a father recently, and we’ve only just started hooking up. Reading a bed time story and eating with us might be a little bit too close to happy families. “I don’t know, Katy might have dinner plans…”

  “You bet I’m staying!” she exclaims gleefully, actually looking like she might be happy to do what Liam asks of her. “Are you crazy, we’ve still got so much more playing to do.”

  “Do you want to come to my bedroom and see my toys?”

  I glance at my watch while they discuss superheroes that I haven’t even heard of before. “You know what, you guys go and do that and I’ll get dinner started. Does that sound like a good plan?” I feel weird about it, all nervous, but at the same time I’m quite comfortable in the knowledge that Liam likes Katy even more than the women I leave him with on a daily basis. “Anything you want?”