When wrong feels so right

by Mia Ford

  “I’m not married, I’m too young to be married. I don’t even have a girlfriend.”

  I don’t know which part to focus on most, the idea that he thinks he’s too young to be married, which puts him in a similar category to me, or the idea that he’s definitely single now. He doesn’t have anyone to love him, which is a tragedy. What the hell is wrong with all the women his age?

  “Oh well I don’t have a boyfriend either,” I say with a smirk, trying to lighten up the atmosphere. “And that’s something I don’t think will change any time soon.”

  “You say that now, but I bet it does,” Logan replies quietly. “A beautiful girl like you will have men lining up to be with you. You just have to be careful not to pick the bad ones.”

  He thinks I’m beautiful? My hands curl around my chest as I swim in those delicious words. Logan Banker, the most handsome man on the planet, thinks I’m beautiful.

  He’s someone who must know what real beauty is as well, so the fact that he’d even say that to me is massive. It makes me feel really damn good about myself. There’s a tiny part of me that actually feels beautiful for just a second, and it’s a wonderful sensation.

  “Right, well we’re here now.” Logan turns to look at me with a depth to his gaze. “Back to normal, I suppose.”

  “Will you be around tomorrow?” I know that he won’t but I have to ask. I don’t know if I can go a whole day without seeing him now. I feel addicted to him. “Or Monday?”

  “Monday,” he replied decisively. “Yeah, I won’t be back until Monday now, but I’ll see you then for our usual appointment okay?”

  It isn’t enough, I know I’ll go crazy before then but I don’t have a choice. I have to agree because right now things need to be on the terms of the adults. It doesn’t matter though, I’ll official be an adult too and everything will be just fine.

  “Okay.”

  Chapter Eleven – Logan

  Shit, shit, shit. I hit the gas pedal fast and burn along the road rapidly because I need to get away from the center. That was the hardest day of my whole life and I don’t know what to do with myself. Being around Pru in a more natural environment was torture. Out in the real world she’s like just another adult. Especially when she starts talking about crazy things such as going to a bar.

  Oh, and that sentence, the killer sentence: I guess I want to experience every single side of life and I want someone to support me with that. Someone I trust. Someone like you…

  Her words circle through my mind, feeling like they’re about sex. I don’t know if that’s how she intended her statement to be taken, but that’s how it made me feel inside. It must be because of that dream I had where she was begging me to teach her how to please a man, that’s all. She’s too sweet, too innocent, the ‘never been kissed’ type. There’s no way she really meant that.

  “Fucking hell!” I mutter as I slam my hands against the steering wheel. “Fuck!”

  I need a distraction, I need my usual weekend of blowing off steam, but this time it’s for a completely different reason. It isn’t because I’ve had a harrowing, stressful week, it’s because I think I might explode. I’m so fucking hard it’s killing me. I can’t give my erection to the person who it’s for, so someone else will have to get it. I need to find someone random and willing, any girl in a bar.

  I pull up the car at my apartment building but I don’t bother to go inside. There’s nothing for me there, not even Roxy lives in there anymore. I slam the door shut and head to the bar just around the corner. I don’t normally go there because it’s too close to home, but tonight I’m too impatient to wait. I need to be there now, I need to block everything out with booze.

  “Whiskey, please,” I demand to the bartender while slamming a note down on the bar.

  “Bad day?” she asks while running her tongue along her lips. I don’t know if this is a purposeful act or not, but because of the mood I’m in it sends electricity right down to my cock.

  “Urgh, you could say that.” I shake my head and run my hand through my hair, tugging on the ends. “Work has been kicking my ass today, I really need a fucking break.”

  “Good job you’re here then.” She gives me a wide, toothy smile. Her red lipstick is hot as fuck, it makes her look like a fantasy girl from a porn movie. “At least I can help you out?”

  Okay that was definitely flirty, I don’t think it’s just me anymore. I lean across the bar and inhale her beer like scent which has obviously come from working in here all day. As she sees me responding to her, she tosses her dark hair over her shoulder and pushes out her voluptuous breasts.

  “Is that a tattoo?” I ask while reaching out to brush the top of her cleavage.

  “It’s a snake,” she practically moans, enjoying the sensation of me touching her. She pushes herself further into my hand, making her feelings clear. “You should see the bottom of it.”

  “Where is the bottom of it?” Much as I’m intrigued by this woman, and her snake tattoo, she isn’t enough to get rid of thoughts of Pru. Her sweet innocent, excitable smile is still at the forefront of my mind, combining with the idea of her from my dreams. The much dirtier version.

  “It goes right down my body.” Her finger trails down herself, presumably following the line of the tattoo across her torso and towards her vagina. “And all the way into my panties.”

  “I would er, love to see it sometime.” I need to see it, to bury my face in it to forget.

  “Well, there aren’t any other customers here,” she comments idly while scanning her eyes everywhere, causing me to do the same. “And there haven’t been for the past two hours. I can’t imagine anyone’s coming in any time soon, so why don’t I show you now?”

  Yes! I almost fist bump the air because she’s giving me everything that I so desperately need. Thank fuck! I’m so glad, I didn’t think it would be this easy to get my release.

  “Oh well I don’t see why not.” My heart thumps happily. “I do love reptiles after all.”

  She reaches across and grabs my hand before pulling me around the back of the bar and into the store room around the back. Once we’re safely out of sight if anyone does come into the bar, the girl unbuttons her shirt slowly, showing me the black inked outline of a cobra. It’s cute, but not why I’m here. I don’t really want to see the tattoo, I just want to grab this girl and do…

  Before I can do anything, she drops to her knees in front of me sensing my impatience. As her fingers fiddle with the zipper to my trousers I toss my head back and let her get to work. This must have been a really boring shift for her if she’s this keen to have fun. I made a damn good choice!

  Eventually she pulls me free and she wraps her lips around me, taking me down to the back of her throat with ease. She bobs her head up and down me, while tracing her fingers over my balls, tickling them in a weirdly incredible way. It sends vibrations running all over me. This girl is a bit of a freak and I like it! It’s fun and gives me some real satisfaction as she goes, but it isn’t enough to take my mind off Pru. Even though this girl looks nothing like her at all, she becomes her. Her black hair turns pale blonde, her red lips become nude, she transforms into the innocent young lady asking me to teach her how to please a man. It’s a glorious dream and a terrible nightmare at the same time. I wish I was in the back of my car with her, but at the same time I’m so glad that I’m not. If I did that I would risk absolutely everything. My job, my livelihood, all for one girl. One amazing girl.

  “Oh fuck,” I groan and moan as the bliss gets too much for me. “Fucking hell.”

  She sees how much I’m enjoying this and she picks up the pace, driving me to damn near distraction. The wet heat feels fucking good, and even if it’s combined with the sick fantasy that I’m trying to avoid, I’m still about to explode. This bartender knows what she’s doing.

  Finally, I can’t hold it in anymore and I fill her mouth up with my cum. I watch as she pulls away and some of it dribbles down her chin, but she swallows the
rest of it down like a pro. I wonder if this is the sort of thing that she does a lot to make the day pass by quicker, she hooks up with random patrons just for fun… but then I realize that it hardly matters. I certainly won’t be coming back here again, it isn’t safe enough. I got lucky with Roxy, that won’t happen a second time.

  “That was amazing,” I gasp as I pull my trousers back up. “Honestly, fucking incredible.”

  I move in towards her, to make my move on her because although in my head this is all about me, I want to give her pleasure too, but she pushes me away and shakes her head.

  “I don’t think we have time for that,” she says breathily with a shining happy look in her eyes like that was enough for her. “Someone could come in at any moment. Maybe next time, yeah?”

  “Oh right.” I already know there isn’t going to be a next time. “Yeah, sure.”

  The girl practically shoves me out from behind the bar to where my drink is still sitting on the side. I slug in back in one go, thinking of only Pru the entire time. That’s the sort of thing that can happen in bars, admittedly it doesn’t always, but it’s possible, and one day she’ll be mixed up in it all. After being so retrained for such a long time, maybe she’ll be the girl giving blow jobs to random men just for something to do. It can work that way, the girls locked away from the world turn into the biggest freaks, which is an utterly horrifying thought. I can’t stand it.

  “I have to go,” I tell the bartender regretfully. “Sorry to leave you alone but I have to…”

  “No, no, I understand.” I think she’s glad actually because it’s a little strained between us now. “I’ll see you soon, maybe?” She shrugs, seemingly unbothered. “Or whatever.”

  I leave the bar and walk slowly back to my home. I could go out some more, maybe even have some more fun with someone else but I’m not longer in the mood. It won’t work anyway, I’m never getting this girl out of my mind. She’s the only one who’s ever captured my attention and that scares me. What if there isn’t another one, what if Pru is the only one for me and she’s the girl I can’t ever have? That would just be damn typical. I end up alone, with nothing and no one. Lonely.

  Once inside my apartment I let out a yell of frustration. I feel like I’m stuck in a terrible mess, that I’m drowning and there’s no way to save myself. I keep kicking my legs, screaming and yelling, but there’s no life raft, no life boat, no way to get air into my lungs. I’m desperately trying to suck it back, but I can’t, and that’s all because of Pru. She’s holding my head underwater.

  I stare at my cell phone, wishing I could have someone to speak to about this, but there’s no one. My parents moved to England six years ago and the time difference is so weird that I hardly ever get the chance to speak to them, I don’t have hardly any of a relationship with my brother for no other reason except for the fact that we haven’t ever been close like that. He’s ten years older than me, so we never had anything in common. I used to have a lot of friends to make up for that, but not now.

  What the fuck happened? I don’t know when I lost everyone really. I guess moving away to the city when I finished college was the first step to distancing myself from the people I used to be close to. I still talk to them, but about more superficial stuff now. I couldn’t go to anyone with this. Then I got so involved with my work that I never bothered to make new friends. I’ve good acquaintances with the others at the center but I don’t ever socialize with them outside of the office. I’m too busy boozing and hooking up, ‘blowing off steam’ all by myself.

  I don’t have a best friend, someone I can confide in about my feelings, and that’s sad. Maybe I’m the one who needs therapy now! I’ve come full circle and I need someone to talk to me about my problems. I don’t know how it’s come to this, but it’s something I need to rectify. If I had a friend, they could talk to me out of this, they could confirm how crazy I am, then I might be able to put this behind me for good.

  Right now, it’s just me and my thoughts, and that’s a dangerous place to be!

  Chapter Twelve – Prudence

  I can feel Logan, creeping through my veins, consuming me entirely. He’s everything, everywhere, my drug that I can’t get enough hits of. I know that I’m obsessed, he’s all that I can think about, but I simply cannot stop. What I felt for him before was simply a deep connection, a special friendship that I couldn’t live without. Now, I have to assume that it’s love. I care about him more than anything or anyone else, and that only gets stronger with each passing second.

  I know it’s unwise, but I keep thinking that when I’m legally an adult, when I’m out of this place for good and I’m living alone, then maybe we can finally be together. I have his contact information, he’s keen for me to keep in touch… it has to be so. I’ll invite him out for a drink with me one night in a bar and then see what happens. Or maybe I’ll ask him to dinner, or even breakfast. Once I’m all settled and I’m in a good place, he’ll have to start taking me seriously.

  The thing is, I’m very sure that he loves me too, I can see it in his eyes. He knows it, but right now he can’t act on it because I’m at the center, but that won’t be the case for very much longer.

  “You’ve had a productive weekend,” he says thinly as his eyes run over the ideas I have had. “You’ve set out a basic budget based on the wages you’ll get from that job, and you’ve emailed about the apartment too. I’m very proud of you, this is all very good work. You must be proud.”

  “Well, the apartment does want a deposit, so I’m trying to figure out how much because I might need to get a loan to get me started, but yes aside from that it all looks good. The shop was glad I called them because they really want me working there… so that’s pretty awesome…”

  “I’ll always loan you the money,” Logan interrupts rapidly. “I mean, if you’re struggling to get hold of it. I know that you want to get out of here quickly, so anything that I can do to help with that I will. It shouldn’t be too much, it wasn’t the biggest apartment so I imagine it’ll be a couple hundred dollars or so. I don’t think it should be too much more than that.”

  I can’t help but smile at his generous offer. This only confirms to me that he wants me too. He wants to get me out of the center as quickly as I do because we cannot kick things off between each other until I’m gone. If he didn’t want me to leave, he would simply tell me to stay while I worked enough hours to save up the deposit money. That’s the sensible thing to do, and others have been forced to… no, Logan wants me out of here for a reason, and I know exactly what it is.

  “Thank you so much, that is so kind of you, Logan.” It still feels strange to call him that inside this office, but I’m going to keep doing it to remind him that I’m an adult. “I really appreciate it.”

  We share a moment of intense eye contact, and I’m overcome with a feeling of safety. There isn’t anyone who will ever make me feel like he does, I wouldn’t ever be able to trust anyone with my life like I do Logan. I’m pretty sure that makes him the one for me. He’s my love and I cannot wait until we get the chance to explore that properly in every single way. I’m craving him desperately. My body is crying out for him, as is my heart.

  “Well you’ve done so much good stuff here, I don’t want money to be the factor that holds you back. Then we can set up a fair payment plan so you can return the money to me as you can afford it, without any of the crazy interest that you would get anywhere else.”

  Ooh, a payment plan, that means I’ll have to see him weekly to give him cash. That sounds amazing. Anything to keep us connected is perfect by me. I’ll have to ensure it lasts forever.

  “Yep, sounds great. Thank you.” I stand up, ready to leave only because my appointment time is up and it’s about to be someone else’s turn. I don’t want to go, I want to spend every minute of every day with Logan, but I can do it because I’m sure soon enough I’ll have him all to myself, all the time. “So, I suppose I’ll see you next week then? Unless you want to see me
before Monday?”

  He pauses, I can see him racking his brain for any reason why it would be appropriate for him to see me but nothing comes to mind quick enough. That doesn’t matter, it’s a shame but the fact that he thought about it is enough for me. He wants to see me, even if he can’t.

  “Nope, I think Monday will be fine. If you want to see me before then that’s okay. Just send me an email and let me know. I’ll see if I can fit you in.”

  ***

  I lie on my bed, staring at the tablet screen with trembling fingers. I’ve managed to nab some time on it because Logan told the other staff members that I need it to get my life in order. Thankfully, no one has questioned me on exactly what I’m doing which is perfect because I’ve spent the last half an hour trying to craft the perfect email to Logan. He did tell me to message him if I want him, and I do. I’m just trying to figure out what for.

  I know I’ll be able to message him as much as I want the moment I get out of here, but I’m impatient. I want to start now. I want to get the ball rolling because I’m so excited.

  “What you doing?” Leah hisses from her bed. “Turn that tablet off, it’s late. We aren’t supposed to use it this late. Don’t you know the rules by now, Perfect Prudence?”

  I roll my eyes at her prissy tone. Leah spends half her life breaking the rules, so this isn’t anything to do with that. This is her being annoyed because I have special privileges at the moment. Still, I don’t want to wind her up at the moment, I can’t be doing with any added drama.