When wrong feels so right

by Mia Ford

  “Have you already forgotten all the self-confidence tricks we talked about?” I ask her with a bright smile, trying to make it feel like less of a big deal to her. “Was I that forgettable?”

  “No, I know the breathing, I remember the posture, and the ‘fake it til you make it’. But it’s impossible to do out of the office. I can do it with you, but not in the real world…”

  “The most important thing that you need to do is keep your head clear, because once your brain clouds up, things become impossible.” I stare at her intently, wondering if my words are going in. “Did you remember to keep your head clear or did you instantly start worrying about things out of your control?” When she doesn’t answer me, I know that I’ve hit the nail on the head. “Well then of course things got difficult. I bet they got a little easier once the day went on though, right?”

  She pauses and bites down on her bottom lip. “Yeah, I suppose so. The morning was worst.”

  “Well there you go then!” I toss my hands in the air in celebration. “Everyone struggles in the beginning, whenever anyone starts a new job. This isn’t abnormal. I think you put far too much pressure on yourself. Just keep taking each day as it goes and eventually it won’t seem so bad.”

  Pru nods slowly, finally taking at least some of my words in. “I hope you’re right.”

  We continue to eat in silence, and as we do I examine her from where I sit. She’s washed off her make up, I didn’t realize it until now. It doesn’t make her look child-like anymore though, there’s a knowledge to her face that makes her look adult. She’s absolutely gorgeous.

  “Do you want a desert?” I ask as I stand up. “I have some ice cream or cake if you’d prefer.”

  As I stroll past Pru, I rest my hand reassuringly on her shoulder for just a second. I intend it to be just a brief moment to let her know that I’m there, I do expect it to be anything else, but Pru shocks me by clapping her hand over mine and holding it there. She glances down at it there on her bare skin as if it holds some answers for her. I want to ask Pru what’s going on in her mind, but I don’t. I let her stare, I allow her to work out whatever it is. Clearly, it’s something she needs.

  “Is everything okay, Pru?” I ask her curiously once too much time passes. “What’s going on?”

  She stares up at me, seemingly understanding something that I don’t. “Sorry, Logan, I know… I know that I shouldn’t…” She stammers awkwardly. “I don’t know what I…”

  She pushes her chair up, knocking my hand off her as she does. I half expect her to race back into her bedroom to maintain the distance between us, but she doesn’t. She steps closer to me, closing the gap between us, I can almost feel her heart racing in her chest.

  This is wrong, I tell myself. So, so wrong. I need to step back, to do something…

  But I can’t. The invisible, gravitational pull between us brings us closer, connecting us at every single inch of our bodies. I am acutely aware of every single part of her, all of her as it moves and slides closer to me. Whatever my hand on her shoulder meant, it’s awoken something in her, something very similar to the moment when we shared that kiss only a couple of days ago, but this time there’s something much more intense about it. It’s so dangerous, but I crave it.

  “Pru, we…” I try to speak but my voice is raspy and desperate. “I don’t know…”

  “I don’t know either,” she confesses but she doesn’t pull away. “But it feels right.”

  She’s right, and I know it, so as she wraps her arms around me and she lifts herself up onto her tiptoes, I can’t resist any longer. My pulse races, my stomach flip flops, my body freaks.

  I lean down and I kiss her hard, losing my mind completely. I turn my thoughts off completely, I don’t even bother to acknowledge the rest of the world anymore. I’ve spent so long fighting this, trying to do the right thing and it hasn’t gotten me anywhere. We both still want this badly, and we both know it’ll feel good. Maybe actually what we need it to really get it out of our systems.

  “I’m sorry,” Pru says while falling away from me. “I know that I promised I wouldn’t do that, I didn’t mean to…” She looks guilty, like she hates herself, but she doesn’t have to.

  “Don’t be sorry,” I pant back. “It’s fine, it isn’t bad. Honestly, we can…”

  We stare at each other in disarray, neither of us knowing what it’s best for us to do next. So many things run through my mind, but I don’t know what to do with any of it. This is crazy….

  The next moment I don’t know what’s happened, but I’m holding her once more and we’re kissing properly like there’s no tomorrow. There’s nothing chaste and delicate about this, my tongue has dipped between her lips and I’m controlling her mouth with mine.

  All the sexual tension that’s been building between us comes to a head. Nothing that I’ve ever done before, especially not the people I’ve been with to try and recover from Pru, has ever felt like this before. She’s incredible, absolutely out of this world.

  I pull back and hold onto her cheeks, staring deeply into her eyes. In that moment, I see everything that I didn’t even know that I wanted. I see it with her. It might be wrong and risky, the rest of the world might not agree with what we’re doing, but we know how great it is. We both know how we feel about one another, we both know how real and deep this is.

  “Come to my bedroom,” I say desperately to her. “Come with me. I need you.”

  I clutch onto her soft hand and wait for her answer. Much as I want this, I won’t take that step without her explicit permission. The ball is firmly in her court, whatever she wants I will do. That doesn’t stop me being impatient though, there’s a clawing desperation in my chest.

  Chapter Twenty – Prudence

  The bedroom… I might not know much about life, I might be naïve, but I know where the bedroom leads. It’ll take me to that place I’ve been fantasizing about a lot in my mind. But fantasy is very different to reality. Can I really go through with it? I want to, but can I? Should I?

  “Okay.” My body screams at me to agree, I need this. I want this, I know I do. Self-doubt has no place now when this is something that I’ve been desiring forever more. “Okay, yeah, let’s…”

  My whole body shudders as Logan pulls me into his bedroom. It’s a room that I saw once when I moved in but that I haven’t been in since because we’ve tried our hardest to keep our distance. I didn’t even come in here when I was in the apartment alone because I didn’t want to overstep any boundaries and get sent back to my own apartment. Logan was being good, so I wanted to as well. Although, that didn’t exactly work well, did it? Here we are, in a worse position than ever. We simply can’t keep away from one another. There’s an undeniable pull between us we can’t avoid.

  I don’t get much of a chance to look around the room even though I wouldn’t mind getting to know it all a lot better, because in a heart beat Logan’s mouth is back on mine again, making me feel sexy and safe all at once. When he touched me on the shoulder it confirmed what I already knew. I like Logan touching me and I can’t stand that from anyone else. It’s because I love him, and now I’m going to get to express that love in a physical fashion. This feels right, I’m so glad that I’m here.

  Nerves give way to excitement, and I roll my hips back into him once more. Fuck, this is something that I definitely want, I don’t know what was holding me back before. There isn’t anyone else in the world that I could lose my virginity to. It could only ever be him, the man who’s helped me so much, I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for him. I don’t want anymore, only Logan.

  Logan walks me back towards the bed as we kiss until my calves hit the bed frame then he stops. I think he’s waiting for me to make the next choice, but it’s already been made. Now that we’re here, I want him to throw me back onto the sheets and I want him to send me to Heaven and back.

  “Logan,” I whisper into his mouth while sliding my hands off of him. “I want this.”

 
; My words are magic, he lifts me from my feet and flings me back onto the bed. I bounce a little which makes me giggle playfully. I feel wild and carefree, no longer am I consumed by self-doubt and anxiety. Logan has stripped that from me completely. He knows me so well, he understands me inside and out, and I love that he does. He thinks I’m important, which makes it so.

  Logan looms above me for a few seconds, looking down at me with a smile, but then he climbs over me on all fours, joining me on the bed. Once his head is level with mine, he rests his forehead against mine and he stares into my eyes with such a lovely look it makes me melt all over. I take the look as love, it makes me feel like he loves me just as I do him. Maybe this is complicated, but if we’re in love with one another then we’ll find a way to make it work somehow.

  This is the start of the rest of my life, I’m sure of it. Me and Logan, we will be together.

  As Logan leans down to kiss me gently and softly, my heart explodes like fireworks. One of his hands moves gently up my body, caressing my side as he goes, sending sparkles and fizzles all the way to my core. I can’t help myself, I shiver lightly. All of this feels much more real than in my fantasies. Of course, it would because this is real, but it’s better too. Much more everything that I ever could have imagined. My naïve brain didn’t do Logan justice at all. This is utterly incredible.

  “Oh, Logan,” I moan freely as his mouth moves off mine and to my cheeks. His lips slide over my face, my neck, down to my collar bone, which makes my hands fist into the sheets. I need something to hold me to the Earth or I might just fall apart. “Oh my God, Logan.”

  I love how saying his name in the heat of passion makes me feel, it’s different, it’s new, I want to keep doing it forever more. I know that none of this is as new to him as it is me, but that doesn’t matter. I want to be with him because I love him, and I’m sure his experience will only help. If we were both as inexperienced as me then nothing would happen because we wouldn’t know where to begin. Instincts can only get a person so far. It would’ve been a mess, not romantic and sexy at all.

  “Does this feel good?” Logan asks as his hand cups over my breast. I nod but it isn’t enough. I want him to pull my breast free, I want him to fiddle with my nipples, I want everything from him. “Can I take your top off?” He’s being so kind and considerate. It’s nice, but not all that I want.

  I place one flat palm on his chest and I push him back so I can sit up slightly. Then I tuck my fingers under the hemline of my top before I pull it up and off. My skin shines with perspiration but Logan seems to like that. His eyes widen in shock and surprise, so I grab the strap of my bra and I unhook that too, dragging the material off of me at the speed of light. It flutters to the ground far away from me. Maybe it should feel strange to be so exposed, but it doesn’t, it feels good. Especially when he’s looking at me like I’m the most desirable woman on the whole damn planet.

  “Oh wow, Pru, you look… you have no idea how you look… you’re just too much.”

  I like the stammering, I love having this effect on him, it gives me more self-confidence than any stupid breathing technique ever could. I feel gorgeous, like a goddess. Like I never thought I would.

  Then Logan pushes me back against the bed and his mouth wraps around my nipples. It’s a warm, wet sensation that sends me wild. I didn’t think I’d like it, but I do. It’s awesome… even more so when Logan scrapes his teeth lightly along them. It’s a shock, but a great one, it makes the pulsing in my panties even more intense, I’m out of control. This is even worse than when I touched myself.

  I grab onto his head and rub my fingers into his hair. I tug lightly but he doesn’t complain. He simply slides his head further and further down my body, kissing me as he goes. His lips brush over my stomach, over my navel, all the way towards my thighs where the skin has become incredibly hypersensitive. I feel like I’m being electrocuted all over my body. Everywhere he touches, it’s worse. It’s almost overwhelming, I don’t know if it’s too much or not.

  “Stop,” I plead because I need a moment to catch my breath. “Wait, just wait.”

  “Are you okay?” Logan looks panicked now. “Do you want me to stop? We can just stop this…”

  “No, no that isn’t it.” As my breath catches up with me the deep craving in the pit of my stomach sparks back up again. I do want this, I’m absolutely certain of it. “I just needed a minute. This is…” Should I tell him? I’m sure he already knows anyway but I feel like I need to clarify. “This is my very first time and… well, I don’t really know what I’m doing.”

  I hang my head low, not sure if he’ll want me now. Maybe it’ll turn him off completely to think of me as this young, inexperienced girl who isn’t like a damn adult at all. My head spins, I feel dizzy… but then Logan’s arms wrap tighter around me and he holds me close to his chest.

  “That’s why I’m here,” he whispers seductively into my ear. “To teach you.”

  The idea of Logan teaching me anything sends a powerful shiver racing up and down my spine. That’s exactly what I want, I want to learn from him, to grow with him like I have been doing.

  “Then teach me,” I beg desperately, getting fired up even more. “Teach me everything.”

  His fingers curl around the waistline of my panties and he drags them down with his eyes fixed on me the entire time. I can tell that he’s searching me, trying to work out how I feel about all of this, but there’s also a deep, dark hooded desire there too. God that look alone is enough to send me spiraling over the edge. It makes my whole body buzz and vibrate, I need to cling to him needily.

  Then, all of a sudden, I don’t even really know when it happens, his mouth is all over me. His tongue plunges in and out of me, tasting me in a very intimate way. That feels better than anything I’ve ever experienced before… or so I think until he pulls his tongue out and he flicks it over the part of me that felt amazing before. The bit of me that I now know is my clitoris. He traces patterns over it, it feels like he might be spelling out words, but I can’t work it out because I’m flying.

  “Oh fuck… oh shit… Logan… this is…” There are so many things that I want to tell him but my brain is off on some other planet making it impossible for me to string together a coherent thought.

  I squeeze my thighs around his head, fixing him in place while he makes me body heat up all over. There’ a pool of pleasure forming, deep in the pit of my stomach, and it could burst free at any given moment. It’s even more intense that the orgasm I gave myself, this is on another level…

  Then all of a sudden, without any warning, Logan whips his head away leaving me cold and exposed, all by myself. I prop up onto my elbows, about to protest, but I stop myself when I see…

  Ah, he’s getting a condom! I think with a deep thrill in my chest. This is really happening then.

  He watches my reaction as he undoes his trousers and he pulls his erection free. I can’t help it, my eyes bug. I haven’t ever seen a penis before but I didn’t know it was going to be this big. I don’t even know what the hell I can do with that… or what it’ll do to me.

  “Don’t worry,” Logan reassures me. “I’ll be gentle.”

  He moves back to me, teasing me with his tip. My pulse rate speeds and hammers the closer he gets. I can feel him now, begging for entrance, and my God I want to give it to him. I might be nervous, but I need to experience every inch of him, I want to feel him everywhere.

  “Go on,” I plead while pushing myself onto him, getting more of him into me. “Just do it. I want you now, I want to do this with you. Please let me do this with you.”

  Chapter Twenty One – Logan

  I can’t get her out of my head, however hard I try, and my God I’m trying. The last thing I want while I’m at work is to be thinking about Pru and that sweet little squeal that she made when I slid inside of her for the first time last night because it riles me up all over again. It makes me feel sweaty and needy, like I need to go home and do it again, whic
h doesn’t help me disguise things at all!

  I didn’t know what it was going to be like, having sex with a virgin because it’s an experience that I’ve never had before. Not even when I lost my own, it was with a college girl while I was still in high school and she certainly knew what she was doing, but with Pru it was lovely. A really nice, loving experience. I don’t think it hurt her too much, she certainly didn’t complain, and much as I kept trying to take things slowly and gently, she bucked hard against me, demanding more.

  And that was just the first time. The second and third time she was like a crazed horny animal that couldn’t get enough satisfaction. I loved every damn second of it, but it only fed into my addiction more, and now my cravings for her are stronger than ever. I definitely failed in any mission I had to get her out of my system. Now I need more, more, more. I need all of her, all over me.

  “Are you okay?” Hank asks me, interrupting my inappropriate trail of thoughts.

  “Huh?” I give him a curious look, wondering why he wants to speak with me now. “What?”

  “Well, you’re gripping onto that coffee mug really tightly and I don’t think there’s even anything in it. Am I right?” He peers into the mug, invading my personal space as he does. “Yep, empty, just as I suspected. So, is something going on, man? I know that we don’t talk much but if you need someone to shoot the shit with, or to go for a beer with, or whatever, I’m here.”

  My heart stops in my chest, it’s what I was wanting not so long ago but it feels like the offer has come at completely the wrong time. This is a guy that I work with, so I can’t confide in him about all this madness with Pru, and I also don’t think I can invite him in while I’m going through it. He’ll think I’m strange and that I’m keeping things from him, which isn’t the best basis for a friendship.