by Mia Ford
Then again, I don’t want to totally blow him off either, because there’s a big chance that when all of this inevitably blows up in my face – which it will, I have no doubt about that – then friendship is going to be a big part of what I need. Hank seems like he could be an okay guy anyway, so why not start with him? He’s the only person who has expressed an interest in befriending me!
“That’s really nice, Hank, thank you.” I give him the brightest smile I can muster. “I’m okay at the moment, just tired and stressed out. But the beer sounds awesome one night.”
“I’m actually going out with some of the kitchen staff tonight, if you want to?”
In all honesty that sounds amazing. I feel like I could use a break from all this madness to have a normal night doing really normal things. Maybe with some guy time I could get my head together and decide what I want to do for sure. Me and Pru have complicated things by sleeping together, there’s no denying that, so whatever we do next will be a really delicate situation. I need to do it right, which is why this might be perfect… but I don’t want to fully commit to it, just in case.
“Yeah, maybe I will,” I say happily. “I’ll see how things go here today and let you know.”
“Oh well here’s my cell phone number, so give me a call or a text if you decide to.”
I watch as he pulls a pad of paper out from his jacket pocket and he writes his number down. I feel really glad that he’s reached out to me and he’s given me an option. Hank might not know it, but this couldn’t have come at a better time. My head hasn’t ever been this messed up before and while I can’t talk about it, it’s always nice to know that I’m not completely alone.
“You know, when I first saw you a minute ago, I assumed that it had to be women trouble.” Hank smiles innocently as his says this heavy statement to me. He clearly doesn’t know anything, he’s just trying to be kind. “But then again, isn’t it always? Women bring nothing but trouble.”
For a moment, I don’t know what to say, then I realize I can confide without actually giving myself away. I can’t get one hundred percent bullet proof advice from him, but I can offload just a little bit which is probably what I need more than anything else, just to talk. The secret is killing me.
“Yeah, well it is,” I admit. “I’m sort of… into someone that I shouldn’t be.”
“Ah, a friends’ ex?” he asks knowingly. I don’t see any reason to correct him, that’s as good an excuse as any. “We’ve all been there. It’s all well and good saying bros before hos, but what about when there’s a real sexual chemistry there? Sometimes it’s too hard to resist.”
Thank God, it isn’t just me who’s made a mistake! Other people have given in to that very carnal human need as well. “Yeah, I know what you mean. It’s a nightmare, isn’t it?”
Hank gives me a look. “Isn’t it just? But sometimes you have to work out if it’s worth it.”
With that he leaves to get back to work leaving me with his number and the option to go out tonight if I want to. I don’t know how I’ll communicate that message to Pru because she doesn’t yet have a cell phone, but I suppose that doesn’t matter. I don’t have to, it isn’t like I’m her boyfriend and I have to let her know of my whereabouts all the time, she has a key to get in and she’s been at my home for long enough to feel at home… but it would be shitty to have sex with her one day then just not come home until late the next, all drunk and stupid. We haven’t really talked about what happened at all and I don’t think it’s a good idea for our first conversation to be a fight.
Still, right now I need to get to work, so it’s something I can figure out later on…
***
But Of course I can’t, not really. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing all day long, she’s on my brain the entire time. When no one is in the room with me I’m recalling snippets of that magical, sexual night that we just shared, and when other people are in the room all I’m wondering is why I can’t let her go when I know how much it’s a risk. I want to know why I can’t just fall for someone I can have properly, someone that I can just be with without having to worry about it.
But there has to be something in this, I wouldn’t be willing to put everything on the line if there wasn’t. My feelings for her must be too damn near to the L word for me to do all of this. I haven’t ever thought of any of the people from the center in this way before, I wouldn’t, I’m not that type of person at all. I’ve always been incredibly respectful of my job… but with Pru, it’s different.
“Are you even listening to me?” Leah’s course voice grabs my attention. “Mr. Banker?”
“Sorry, Leah.” I don’t see any point in lying to her, when it’s completely obvious how distracted I am. She’s not dumb, even if she’s loud and brash at times. “I don’t feel so good today.”
“That isn’t it at all.” She folds her arms defensively across her chest. “You’ve been this way for ages now. Ever since Prudence left actually.” Hearing her mention Pru, in regards to myself as well, makes my heart stop dead in my chest. I have to really reel myself in so I don’t say something dumb and blow my cover without even trying. “I think you miss her and we’re all suffering because of it.”
My heart thunders against my rib cage, I grip tightly to the edge of my seat, I do what I can to keep my breathing at as normal a pace as I can physically manage. Leah doesn’t know, she can’t, she would be first one to blurt it out if she did. I need to act normally to avoid raising suspicion.
“Prudence Evans has been gone for a while now,” I say in a grave voice. “I’m sure that we all miss her, but that doesn’t affect me or anyone else particularly, nor will it impact our work.”
“I don’t miss her,” Leah spits out spitefully. “I thought that she was really annoying.”
I slam my notebook closed, not wanting to get into any sort of conversation about Pru right now. “Right, well I think we’re done for the day here. It’s almost time for me to go home so I will go back and make myself feel better. We will pick this up next time I’m here, okay?”
I stand up, not giving Leah a chance to react or argue with me. She does give me a bit of a curious look but she stands to leave the room as well. I have no idea how much of our time that we’ve been through but as far as I’m concerned, we’re done here. I have nothing more to say.
“Okay, well goodbye then, Mr. Banker,” Leah says quietly. “I’ll see you next week.”
Of course I feel bad as she exits the room, I’ve let her down just like I have done everyone here. This place is the reason that I’m struggling so much with what I’m doing. The center is the half of me. I want to go home to tell Pru to go back to her own home for a while so we can both have some space to think… but I don’t know how powerful that half of me is quite yet.
I need to go home, to talk to her. We need to make this decision together. I can’t do it alone.
I grab my brief case and I walk purposely towards the exit, needing to get out of here before anyone can stop me… but of course, it’s just my luck that I’m not going to be allowed my space.
“Hey, Logan!” Hank’s voice calls out to me as he spots me going. “Are you on for tonight?”
“Erm, maybe.” I yell back, not breaking my stride. “I need to pop home to sort some stuff out but I’ll give you a call if I make it out, okay? Keep an eye on your cell phone.”
“Ah, you have to sort your women trouble.” His words make me cringe, they reveal too much of me that I don’t want to be seen. “Great, well I’ll get you one in then. You’re going to need it!”
He might be right actually, I don’t know how this is going to work out so a beer with some guys might be just what I need. This might end up in a massive horrible row, not that I want that, in which case I’ll need to drown my sorrows.
“Awesome, sounds good, Hank, cheers buddy!”
Chapter Twenty Two – Prudence
This is better, I think to myself as I smile and look around the store. Lo
gan was right, I just need to keep on pushing forwards. It was too busy for my first day and I allowed that to overwhelm me, then I let one bad day send me backwards into a very dark place, but now I have confidence. Now I feel like I can really do this. Maybe that’s because Alice and Becky have been really nice to me, or because I’ve made a couple of sales, or maybe it’s because me and Logan finally had sex.
As I sit in the staff room at the end of the day, waiting for everyone else to gather up their stuff, all the memories of us sleeping together bursts into my mind. I have a cheeky, sexy secret and I love it so much. It makes me feel like I’m much less of a boring, quiet person. Now I’m worthwhile.
“You’re doing good, girl,” Alice declares loudly while circling my waist with her arm. “This has been a much better day for you, hasn’t it? And you didn’t even need all those sales tactics.”
I grin at her, letting my happiness shine through. “No, you’re right, I didn’t. I’m much calmer now, I think the first day nerves just got the better of me, that’s all. I’m more positive now.”
Alice flips her long red hair over her shoulder as she sits next to Becky. She’s pretty, like a delicate English rose with her pale skin and the smattering of freckles across her nose, but her deep brown eyes give her a cheeky look, and those voluptuous curves of hers make her so sexy it hurts. Becky has a completely different look; dark hair, dark eyes, tattoos all over her, but she’s equally as hot. Next to them I feel plain and simple looking, but I have Logan so it doesn’t matter.
“You know what, Prudence? You should come out with us tonight for a couple of drinks after work. We’re headed to a bar just around the corner from here, it’ll be really fun.”
My heart lifts with excitement. Yes, I know that me and Logan probably need to have a conversation about what’s to come next, but this is what I want, this is all part of my new life and the experiences that I want to have. Friends, bars, drinking, dancing. Logan will understand, won’t he? He knows more than anyone how important this stuff is to me. We can have our chat any time.
“Yeah, actually that sounds great.” I glance over at the laptop in the corner of the room. “Do you think it’d be okay for me to borrow Mr. Turners computer to send an email?”
“Oh yeah, we do it all the time.” Alice waves her hand dismissively over in the direction of it. “Why do you have plans to cancel? Can’t you just send a text message?”
My cheeks flame with embarrassment. There’s no way in hell that I can confess to this girl that I can’t text because I haven’t ever had a mobile phone. I’m doing my best to keep my past with my mother, my father, and the center long behind me, I don’t want anyone to know. At least not right now, maybe I’ll tell them when I’m ready, but this isn’t the time.
“Oh, my cell is broken,” I lie with a shrug. “I’m waiting for my pay check to get a new one.”
That’s going to be one of the first things I buy actually. Now that I have a life I need a cell phone to go with it, but for now I have to be content logging on to my email on Mr. Turners laptop. I fire off a quick email to Logan, hoping that he’ll see it and that it’ll be enough, then just as an afterthought I scribble his cell phone number down on a piece of paper and I slide it into my pocket. There’s a massive chance that I won’t need it, but I’d rather have it in case.
“Okay.” I turn to Becky and Alice grinning happily. God this has to be the best forty-eight hours of my life. First things happening with Logan, then work going well, and now friends. “Let’s go.”
I walk slightly behind the girls as we leave the store because I don’t know where I’m going and because I’m also a little concerned about how embarrassing this is going to be if I end up getting booted out of the bar because of my age. I can’t exactly explain my desperation to a bartender now, can I? I’m only just eighteen years of age, and I think that I look it too, whereas I know that Becky is already twenty-one. I think Alice is about nineteen but she has a fake ID, I heard her talking about it before. Maybe I’ll just have to be the lame kid who doesn’t drink booze. I never really wanted to before because of my dad, but this is the first time it feels like I’ll actually be missing out.
As we reach the bar, Becky heads directly for the bar counter while me and Alice get a seat in the back where we can’t easily be seen by anyone. Because she’s been the kindest to me, I open up.
“I’m actually a bit afraid that I’ll get kicked out,” I tell her quietly as I take my seat. Of all the people who I think might judge me, Alice isn’t that person. “Because I’m too young.”
“Oh, don’t you worry about it.” Alice doesn’t seem concerned at all. “Becky knows the bar man in here, she’s been sleeping with him for ages. And you look all grown up in your work uniform anyway, you could easily pass for twenty-one. Stop worrying about it, just have some fun.”
I nod slowly and suck in a breath. She’s right, and anyway, this is the sort of thing that teenagers do all the time… or so it seems from the high school movies that I’ve watched. A little bit of underage drinking is just fun. And at least I have Logan’s to go back to, I won’t be alone to choke on my vomit or anything. This is a good thing, this is fun, this is where I should be.
Becky comes to join us with a massive jug of some orangey looking liquid in it and three glasses beside it. I have no idea what it is, but I’m getting excited to try it. Alice pours us all a glass then holds it out in a cheers gesture. We clink them together and drink… well, they drink. They glug the drinks back rapidly. I sip. I try to slug a decent amount of it back to keep up with the girls but I don’t quite manage it. It’s hard to drink something that’s so fruity and bitter all at once anyway.
“Don’t push yourself,” Alice giggles. “You’ll end up sick, especially if this is your first time.”
I’m dealing with a lot of first times at the moment, and the other one certainly went well so I don’t see why this won’t either. I already feel lighter, like I’m floating on air, and happier too. I want to laugh and giggle with glee, I want to hug these girls, I want to dance the night away.
“Fill it up,” I say boldly to Alice. “Let’s get this party started, shall we?”
***
I don’t know how much time has passed, but I do know that I no longer feel like myself. The alcohol has control of me now, it’s claimed my vision, my stomach, my sense of rationality, all of it. For the first time in my whole life, I feel an affinity with my father. I understand why he did this so much now. It isn’t the nicest feeling in the world, but it’s freeing. I’m no longer bogged down with anything, I can even forget about him and his death. This must be how he felt all the time, just trying to forget about losing Mom. It doesn’t excuse his behavior, but I know why he went back.
“Are you okay?” Alice chuckles as she tucks her arm under my arm pits. “You’re swaying a bit now. Do you think it might be time to leave the dance floor?”
“No, I want to keep dancing,” I slur back at her. “It’s so much fun. I really like it.”
“Oh, I know you do, sweetie, but me and Becky are leaving now and we can’t leave you here by yourself. We need to get you in a cab home. What’s your address?”
I don’t know much, but logic is screaming at me that I can’t tell Alice my address or she’ll know that me and Logan are together. Instead, for some unknown reason it seems much more logical to just call him instead. I reach into my pocket and pull out the number.
“I don’t want a cab, I want this guy to pick me up,” I tell her strongly. “Can I borrow your phone? I promise I’ll only be on it for a moment, I won’t waste your minutes or anything.”
“No, you can.” She pulls her cell phone out but doesn’t immediately hand it to me. “Maybe I should call him for you because I don’t think you’re making much sense right now. I mean, do you even know where you are? Do you even know what club this is?”
She’s right, I don’t have a bloody clue, so I hand the number over willingly. She isn’t from th
e center anyway so there isn’t any way that she can make that connection between us. Plus, I’m sure she wouldn’t mind anyway. Even if she knew the truth, Alice is an awesome friend who wouldn’t judge me for anything. She’s so cool and laid back, I definitely have a girl crush on her.
She grabs onto my arm and pulls me out the club, and as the cold night air hits me I realize just how drunk I really am. I’m much more wasted now, somehow the fresh air of real life has hit me and shocked me. It’s a funny feeling that makes me want to giggle like a lunatic.
“So, who is this guy anyway?” Alice asks while punching in the numbers. “What’s his name?”
“Logan,” I whisper my secret to her. “His name is Logan and I want him to be my boyfriend.”
She raises a knowing eyebrow at me, but doesn’t say anything. Instead, she calls Logan and she asks him in a very professional sober tone for him to pick me up.
“How am I so much more wasted than you?” I ask once she hangs up. “That’s not fair.”
“Because you’re younger than me, and less experienced. But more importantly who is this Logan? He sounds older than you when I spoke to him then.”
“He is,” I chuckle like it’s hilarious. “But he’s really hot and kind too. You would really like him.” All of a sudden, I’m struck by a thought of horror. “Actually no, don’t like him. You’re way more beautiful than me so he will definitely like you back. Then I’ll have to act all happy while you guys fall in love and get married, all while my heart is breaking for him.”
