When wrong feels so right

by Mia Ford

  “Okay, you’re definitely way too drunk now,” Alice insists. “Come on, let’s go and sit on this bench and wait for the mysterious Logan to come. I can’t leave you on your own.”

  “But what about Becky?” I don’t even know where she is, I can’t remember when I saw her last.

  “She’s gone back with the bar man, so it’s just me and you for now. How does that sound?”

  “That sounds perfect.” I sit and rest my head on her shoulder. “Thank you, Alice, you’re a legend.”

  Chapter Twenty Three – Logan

  I debated going out myself with Hank when I received the email from Pru about her going out with her new friends, it felt like the perfect time for me to expand my friendship horizons too, but now I’m glad that I didn’t. I guess deep down a part of me expected something like this to happen so I waited at home patiently, wanting to check that she’s going to be okay at the end of it.

  It’s just lucky that Pru is out with new friends and not people from the center, that could have really complicated things. Maybe I could have found a way to explain it, but I’m glad I don’t have to. I’m sure my guilt would have shown on my face and my cover would’ve been blown. Still, I don’t have to worry about that because Pru is only hanging out with people she works with.

  I slow the car down as I reach the street where Alice told me to come and pick up Pru. There are lots of people about in varying stages of being intoxicated, so it takes me a while to find her, but soon I see her slumped on her friend, clearly very wasted. This is why she shouldn’t drink, I don’t think she can hack it, she’s too young and not at all used to it. Especially not if she’s been trying to keep up with this older girl who is used to it. Hopefully this one-time experience will teach her.

  I park up the car quickly and step out into the street. Surrounded by drunk people I feel a bit awkward so I stuff my hands into my pocket and I keep my eyes fixed only on the girl I want to see. I don’t care about the drunken loutish idiots anyway, and I’m sure the feeling is mutual.

  “Hey,” I say uncomfortably as I finally reach the duo. “I’m Logan, is everything alright?”

  “You’re Logan?” As the girl who must be Alice hears me, her eyes widen in shock. It makes me wonder what Pru told her about us, but I don’t dare ask. There could be many reasons why she’s shocked, I don’t need to read too much into it. “Okay sure, sorry Prudence is a bit drunk, she got a little bit carried away tonight, but she said that you would take care of her.”

  “Yeah, no worries. My car is just over there. Do you need a ride somewhere?” I ask Alice seriously. “I don’t want to leave you all alone if there’s somewhere you need to be…”

  “No, no, I live just around the corner from here, I’m fine. I just didn’t want to leave her alone.”

  “No, of course not. Well thank you.” I glance down at Pru who is looking at me through very bleary looking eyes. “Pru, are you okay to walk or do I need to scoop you up and carry you?”

  “I’m fine.” She pushes herself up and is immediately a bit shaky on her feet. “I’m just very tired now, that’s all. I feel like I need to sleep this off. Is that a normal sensation?”

  My heart goes out to her, I feel so much sympathy for Pru. She’s about to have the worst morning of her life tomorrow. I can remember my very first hangover, it was the worst thing that I’ve ever been through in my life, and I was a little bit older than Pru. I also wasn’t anywhere near as drunk. At least I’m here to protect her, she needs me. But as I look at her, I realize that there’s a big part of me that needs her too. I can’t imagine having a life without her. She isn’t like any of the other girls that have come and gone in my life because she grounds me and she gives me a purpose. I didn’t even realize how much I was floating through life before without anything to fix me in place. She’s changed my perception on the world, and on myself. Without her I would still be nothing.

  “Come on then.” I link my arm through Pru’s and I walk her towards the car. Alice comes with us at first, but it doesn’t take long for someone else to call her. “You go,” I insist with a bright and reassuring smile “I have Pru, everything is fine alright? Thank you again.”

  “Are you sure?” I nod. “Okay, well take care of Pru and tell her to call me when she wakes up.”

  “I will do, I’ll get her back home now and make sure that she’s okay.”

  Alice touches my arm gently. “Prudence was right about you, you are really nice. She’s lucky to have you in her life. I don’t know what you are to each other, but she’s really lucky.”

  As Alice goes I breathe out a sigh of relief. It’s much easier to have Pru all to myself, I know what she knows and doesn’t know, I know what I can and can’t get away with. If it wasn’t for the rest of the world, this whole thing with me and Pru would be easy and straightforward. We could just be happy, be together and not have to worry about it. It’s everyone else that’s the problem, not us.

  “You came for me,” Pru slurs a little as she leans up against the car. “I should have come home tonight right after work to see you, to talk about last night, and I didn’t. I went to hang out with my friends instead, but you still came for me when I was in trouble. That’s really awesome.”

  I glance around like a paranoid freak, checking that no one overheard her. Of course they didn’t, no one here cares what the hell is going on with me and Pru, no one sees it as wrong. “Of course I came for you, Pru. I don’t mind you blowing me off to hang out with the girls. I want you to do stuff like that, that’s a whole big part of life, isn’t it?” She smiles up gleefully at me. “I want you to have fun and I’ll always be here afterwards when it’s done. I’m your protector after all.”

  “I might not know much about men,” she continues while grabbing onto my waist. “But I know that you’re a really good one. You’re much too good to be with someone like me. I’m just… well, I’m trash aren’t I? A nothing girl that no one cares about, from a bad family.”

  Uh oh. We’ve reached the drunk stage where all the stuff we keep buried deep down comes flying out like bullets. This is the time that I need to get her the hell out of here before she crumbles. She’s got a lot to cry over, many sad things from her past that I don’t think she’s fully dealt with. Here and now isn’t the time to start that process, it’s much too public for a meltdown.

  “You aren’t that at all,” I tell her firmly. “You’re a wonderful girl who deserves the world. Now get into the car and let me get you home, okay? You’re tired and you really do need some rest.”

  I hold onto her as I slide the care door open and as I do she leans up against me, trusting me with every inch of her body weight. A smile plays on my lips as I see her there, looking up at me with complete love and wonder in her eyes. Even through the intoxication she is the most stunning woman that I’ve ever seen in my life. I feel a deep compulsion to lean me head down to kiss her. My heart pounds, I know that it’s wrong, but there’s such a deep need that I want to, just for a second.

  I do it. As almost an instinctive reaction, I dip my head towards her and I press my lips up against hers, soaking her in, inhaling her, breathing her in as I do. The memories of last night flood my mind and make me feel wonderful. This is simply a snippet of what things could be like if things were normal with me and Pru, if we were just allowed to be together.

  Eventually, I pull my head back and I smile at Pru. The rest of the world melts away into nothing and the only two people left are me and her. It’s perfect, for just a moment I can feel the warmth of the sun beating down on my shoulders, as if it’s the middle of the day rather than night time.

  “Logan!” All of a sudden, a much too familiar voice bursts my bubble and shocks me to my core. “Logan, is that you? I didn’t think you were coming out tonight.”

  “Hey!” Drunk Pru calls back. “That’s Hank from the center, from the kitchens.”

  Fuck. My heart falls into my shoes and my stomach drops too. If he’s seeing me now the
n he probably saw me kissing Pru too. And I kissed her, that must was very obvious, I can’t even pass it off as her drunkenly making a move on me. Shit, shit, shit. The cover that I’ve worked so hard to build up has been blown, and now… now I’m fucked. The only hope I have in the world is to get the fuck out of here right now. I need to leave, to escape, to break free and to hope that Hank is either too drunk to remember this is the morning, or that he assumes it isn’t me.

  “Get in the car,” I warn Pru in a long voice. “Get in the car now, we cannot be seen.”

  I don’t know how much of that gets through, she certainly doesn’t look as worried as she should do, but she does as I command. She falls across the back seat of the car and lies there almost asleep so I leave her there. My heart races in my chest, the only thing I can think of is driving away rapidly. Hank is still yelling at me as if he’s desperate to get my attention but he’s not going to get it.

  “Fucking hell,” I mutter as I slam the car into gear. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, get out of the way!”

  Drunks spill out into the road but soon move when they realize that I might actually run them over if they don’t. I know I’m not thinking straight, I feel like I might be crazy, but it barely matters.

  I drive much too quickly, my breaths fall out of my mouth ragged and panicked. I expect to calm down the further away I get but I don’t. If anything, I get worse. Hank knows me, he knows my car, now I can see that running away was never going to work. I should have stayed and explained myself somehow. I don’t know how I would’ve played it off, but doing nothing is worse.

  What the hell am I going to do tomorrow? I think while I drag my hands through my hair. The job that I’ve worked so hard to protect is now in real danger and I have no idea what to do. I am in the wrong, there’s no denying that, there’s no escaping it. I’m going to be yelled at, screamed at, fired probably and there isn’t a damn thing that I can do about it. I don’t even know how I can defend myself, but I’ll have to try. Maybe the truth will do it, maybe the admitting that we’re really into one another will make it better. They know me, surely, they’ll know that I wouldn’t do this if it wasn’t important…

  I turn to see Pru passed out on the back seat, snoring lightly and guilt crushed me painfully. She’s gotten herself dragged into this without really knowing how messy it’s going to get and now we’re about to really find out.

  Chapter Twenty Four – Prudence

  “Urgh, no,” I groan as I roll over in the bed. “What the hell is this? Why do I hurt all over?”

  My head pounds, my stomach churns, my eyes ache as I try to prize them open to face the real world. At this moment in time, my brain is a deep black hole. I can barely remember anything properly. What happened? When did I get so ill? What have I been doing?

  “Logan?” I groan while propping myself up onto my elbows. “Logan, are you here?”

  I don’t get any response, there’s nothing but silence. I’m definitely in his home because I recognize it more than anywhere else in the world, but it seems that I’m here by myself. I blink a few times, glancing around the room as I do, and my eyes soon find a giant pint glass of water next to my bed. One that I definitely didn’t put there but that I need desperately. My mouth is painfully dry and my throat feels raw. Someone – well, Logan, because it can only really be him – has anticipated my needs before I even know what they are. He’s amazing, absolutely incredible. I’m so damn lucky.

  I grab onto the glass and I suck the water back like there’s no tomorrow. I glug it down hard and fast, loving the ice cool sensation as it fills me up, healing me in some small way.

  If this is what it feels like after drinking, then I don’t understand it at all.

  As I swing my legs over the bed, small sparks of memories fill my brain. Alice, Becky, and me drinking, laughing, dancing the night away. It was fun at the time, I had a real blast, but this is clearly the punishment that I get for that. I don’t think it’s worth it after all. How the hell did my dad do this all the time? How did he cope with this crippling pain after drinking?

  As I walk, a new feeling floods me, almost knocking me from my feet. I’m absolutely consumed by the need to be sick, to get all this booze out of my system, so I run to the bathroom at the speed of light and I crouch to the floor, gripping onto to toilet bowl and the burning hot vomit spills past my lips. It hurts, it aches, it wrecks my stomach, but in a way, it’s a relief too.

  “Never again.” I mutter to myself with a small sharp shake of my head. “Never, ever again.”

  Once I’m sure that I’m done being sick, I stumble into the kitchen where there’s a note and a whole selection of drinks. From fizzy pop to orange juice. Logan is a pretty tidy man, he normally keeps everything locked away in the cupboards, so this has to be for me.

  ‘To Pru,’ the note reads. ‘You must be feeling like hell today, hangovers are the most unpleasant side of drinking! Here are some drinks to get you through the morning, whatever you fancy, and make yourself something nice and heavy to eat, like toast.’ The thought of food makes me gag, but I keep on reading regardless. ‘I’m at work now because I have some stuff to sort out…’ As I read that line, I get a flicker of something in my brain, but the thread is too thin for me to grasp onto. It’s gone before I can know exactly what it is. I have a feeling that it’s something to do with the center, but that might just be my addled brain all mushing up. ‘Also, I think last night has taught us that you really need a cell phone. There’s one of my old ones for you in the box in front of you. It isn’t the latest model, but it’ll do until you can get your own. It’s better than nothing…’

  I reach across to the box and I slide it open. Inside the cell phone there makes me heart skip a beat. It’s way better than anything I would have got for myself, this is the most amazing thing ever! I cannot believe how lucky I am to have him. I don’t deserve someone so amazing.

  Tears ball up in the corner of my eyes, but they’re happy tears. I really feel like this is my life picking up and improving in the most incredible way. I finally have it all and I’m only eighteen years old, I only just got out of the center and already I’m doing amazingly. I can’t believe it.

  ‘Here is Alice’s number, or it’s the number she called me from last night anyway. You should message her and let her know that you’re okay. Luckily for you, you have the day off work today so you should veg out and sleep it off. Make yourself get better. I will see you soon, yours Logan.’

  The tears fall, I’m unbelievably touched. Logan has done more for me than anyone else I’ve ever known. I understand that he has to work but I wish he was here right now with me. I wish I could hold him close and finally just tell him that I love him. I’ve kept it inside for too long. Maybe tonight I’ll finally let those words free. I’ll say to Logan I love you.

  Before I can sob like a freak, I call Alice. I could just text her but there’s a deep need inside of me to call her, to hear her voice, to check that I didn’t embarrass myself last night.

  “Hello?” she answers curtly. “Alice speaking, who is this?”

  “It’s Prudence,” I reply raspily. “Just letting you know that I’m alive today. I don’t feel like I’m part of the living, but I’ve survived it. My God, do hangovers always feel this bad?”

  “Prudence! Thank goodness. I’ve been worried about you.” She sounds genuinely happy to hear from me which manages to make me smile. “I’m just on my break at work now and I was just about to call that guy who came to pick you up to check on you. Did he take you home okay last night?”

  I don’t know if I should worry about Logan when it comes to Alice. I know that we’re supposed to be keeping us a secret, but that’s only from people at the center, surely? Alice is fine.

  “Yeah, I got home okay, I think I pretty much just passed out to sleep as soon as I got in. Urgh I’m so glad that I don’t have to work today. Every time I move I want to vomit again…”

  “He’s nice, isn’t he?” Alice interrupt
s, ignoring my last remark. “Logan, I mean.”

  “Yeah, he’s great. I’m lucky to know him. I don’t know how I would have got home otherwise.”

  “How do you know him?” I can hear her crunching an apple while she talks. It’s distracting and hurts my head even more. I really do need to lie down! “Is he your boyfriend?”

  “He’s…” Shit, how the hell do I explain this? And did I say too much last night? Maybe I told her the truth and now she wants to know if I’ll say the same in the sober light of morning. “He’s a friend… I like him, but I don’t know if he’s… you know, my boyfriend, or whatever.”

  “I would warn you to be careful around him because he’s so much older than you, but I don’t think I have to. I think that you have a spell over him and he treats you amazingly.”

  Alice’s lovely comments warm me up. I like the idea that I might have a hold over Logan. He certainly has one over me, so it’s much better to learn that might be a two way thing.

  “Right, Mr. Turner is giving me the stink eye so I better go back to work. I’ll speak to you later on, okay? You rest up today and take care of yourself. It gets easier, trust me. Much love!”

  As soon as Alice hangs up the phone I punch her number into the contacts list and stare at it. I never thought that I would be here, the girl with a cell phone and a friend’s number in it. I quickly connect the phone to the Internet and I grab Logan’s number off there too so I have two numbers on my list. I rub my thumb over the name on my screen, loving even looking at his name.