“Oh,” she said softly, suddenly embarrassed.
She didn’t want anyone to see her in such condition, especially this man that was so strong and brave and would probably laugh at her foolish nightmare. But it was a torment to her, to have to relive those horrific moments over and over in her dreams, leading to many nights where she was afraid to even fall asleep.
“I’m fine now, really. Thank you for tending to me, but you need to get your rest, and I am tired as well. I’d like to go back to sleep, too.”
“And return to your nightmare? Or are you going to stay awake as long as you can, resisting the urge to sleep because you don’t want to risk falling into that nightmare again?”
Olivia felt frustration and desperation clawing at her. “How do you know so much about what it is like to have violent dreams?” she demanded.
He sighed heavily and his thumb rubbed her cheek. “I used to relive the death of my son almost every night. The dream wasn’t always the same. Sometimes it started with me racing towards the smoke on the horizon, sometimes it started with the man I once thought my friend betraying me. But they all ended with my son dying in front of me.”
Olivia closed her eyes briefly, wishing she hadn’t asked the question. His eyes were haunted with the memory of his child’s death.
When she opened her eyes, he was watching her intently. “How-how did you get past it?” she asked hesitantly.
He gave her a tender smile. “I told an angel all about my terrible past. And she comforted me instead of condemning me for what had happened.”
Olivia’s eyes lifted to his and she saw warmth and caring. “It-it isn’t something I’ve ever told anyone,” she said softly. Again she smoothed her hair over her ear. Every time she had the nightmare, her ear would ache painfully, serving as a constant reminder of her past. “I don’t even know if I can put it in words.”
He leaned down and pressed a kiss to her forehead, then trailed kisses down the side of her face. “I will listen to anything you want to say. And if you don’t want to tell me anything, I’m okay with that, too.”
Olivia drew in a shaky breath. “It was during the battle for the Texians to claim the Alamo this past winter. If only we had known it would bring such wrath from Santa Anna, maybe we would have chosen a different plan to gain leverage in the war.”
She paused for several long seconds, her eyes seeing the past. “The Texians stormed San Antonio in a rush. In no time we had trenches in the streets for the soldiers to find security from the nonstop barrage of gunfire from the Mexican Army. I sent my family to safety, but I chose to fight.”
“You did what?” His face was incredulous, on the border of being angry. “Do you realize—”
“Of course I realize! I was there. I was in the middle of all of it!” Olivia hadn’t realized how strongly she felt about the experience until she heard her own words. She softened the tone of her voice. “I knew the risk I was taking, but it was worth it.”
One of his eyebrows lifted. “Why? Why are you so determined to fight Mexico? You’ve been raised by a Mexican family, lived here under Mexican rule your entire life... why?”
Olivia ran a hand down her face and drew in a deep breath. “My entire life I was raised to respect the Mexican leadership. There was never a question about living as we should, according to the laws. As I grew older, though, I began to resent the dictatorship we lived under. But I had no idea that my parents felt the same way. And they had taken it a step forward... they became spies for the Texians.
“And... well, and then, they were assassinated by the Mexican Army. I took up their mission, and became even more passionate about it as soon as I became involved. The Texians must win. We cannot fail—there is more at stake than the freedom of Texians. It is our dignity, our lifestyle, our ability to do and be whatever or whoever we want to be. We are going to win!”
Cade nodded at her solemnly. “I understand. Believe me, I do. Is that what spurs your nightmares? The death of your parents?”
Olivia lowered her eyes, then lifted them back to his. “No. My nightmare stems from my own sins.”
Cade tilted his head to the side and his fingers moved from her face to her head and began to gently massage her scalp. “I doubt you have sins that will shock me. Though I still haven’t forgotten that you risked your life to join in the battle in December.”
“And that is where my sins begin. Cade, I got into the trenches with the soldiers and I had my father’s shotgun and his rifle. I fired blindly at first. But then I started to get comfortable with the guns, and braver. I begin to peek over the trench and take aim and shoot. There were so many men that fell from my shots. I don’t know how many men I killed.
“I felt this odd numbness, as if I wasn’t really there... as if I was watching everything happen from a distance. But then, Lorenzo, Angie’s husband, found me. He was furious to find me out there.”
“As well he should be.”
Olivia frowned at him before returning to her story. “He told me to get to the barn on the outskirts of town that belonged to a church. But I wouldn’t listen to him. While we were arguing there was this terrible noise, and before I knew it, Lorenzo threw me as far as he could and was running towards me when the cannon exploded behind him. I was lost in the cloud of dirt and falling debris, and I couldn’t find Lorenzo anywhere.”
She hesitated and drew in a shaky breath. She closed her eyes for several seconds, and she could almost smell the gun smoke, hear the cries of the wounded, hear the yells of the men fighting, and feel her own heart racing in her chest. When she opened her eyes, Cade was watching her with concern. She had to finish telling him what happened.
“There was a clearing in the smoke and some Mexican soldiers were advancing nearby. One of them spotted me and immediately charged in my direction. My gun had been tossed to the side when Lorenzo had thrown me, and I scrambled to grab it. The soldier was almost right on top of me when I grabbed the gun and fired.” Tears burned her eyes, but she refused to let them fall.
“He pitched forward on top of me, bleeding to death slowly. And that was the first time I really looked at him. He was just a boy. Probably only fourteen, fifteen at most. The shock and fear in his eyes as his life slipped away... there was nothing I could do. I had been so determined with my fight for the Texians that I hadn’t paused to think that I was actually killing people, killing children! What kind of person am I? What kind of monster have I become?”
Cade sighed heavily and lowered his forehead to hers and stayed that way for a few minutes, and Olivia found it strangely comforting, as if he was sharing in her grief and torment. When he pulled back, his eyes searched her face and he shook his head.
“You aren’t a monster, Olivia. It’s war. Both sides know what they are facing and that they risk death. But you should have never been there. You should never have been exposed to such horrors.”
“It was my decision to make. I supported the Texians—it only seemed right that I fight alongside them. But to see a child die by my hands... to hold the enemy as he took his last shuddering breaths... I had gone into the battle naïve. I did not leave it with the same blissful ignorance.”
“Is that how this happened?” Cade asked, pulling back her hair that covered her disfigured ear.
She gasped and pulled away from him, her hand instantly flying up to cover her ear from his view. “How did you—No one knows about this! How did you find out?”
“Several times I’ve tried to talk to you when I’m on your left side. Especially at night when we lie here in bed. When you wouldn’t respond, I thought at first that you just didn’t want to talk about the topic. But as it continued to happen, I began to realize you couldn’t hear me. In your sleep the other night I pulled your hair back and saw your ear. Did it happen in the battle?”
Olivia kept a hand over her ear and stared at him in shock. “You—you have seen it? And you aren’t repulsed?”
He reached for her but she flinched, and he
lowered his hand slowly. “Olivia... nothing about you could ever repulse me. I wish that you hadn’t gone through such a horrible experience, but I don’t understand your desire to hide it.”
“It is hideous. And it is a weakness that I don’t want anyone to know about. No one should know that I can’t hear out of it.” She lay staring up at him in frustration and outrage.
“I know. And I also know you are one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever known in my entire life, and your ear doesn’t change any of that. You are strong, Olivia. Even without the hearing in that one ear.”
Slowly she lowered her hand from where it protected her ear, watching him intently. “I’ve never been called beautiful before you,” she said softly. “I’m the fria sister of the family. The cold one. No man has ever wanted to be near me. Except you.”
He reached for her again and this time she didn’t flinch away from him. His hand slid gently around her head and he lifted her to him, placing his lips against hers, softly and undemanding. His kiss was long and slow, leaving her hungry for more, but he pulled back, releasing her so that she lay on her pillow once again.
“Does it hurt?” he asked, his fingers running through her hair, exposing her ear completely.
Olivia’s head was spinning from the sweet kiss he had just given her, and she tried to understand what he had just asked her. “Oh,” she murmured as her wits returned. “Not all the time. When I have one of my nightmares it hurts fiercely. Other times it comes and goes, just reminding me of what happened. I suppose it is the penance I must pay.”
Cade shifted slightly, and Olivia suddenly realized how close they were to each other, and that he leaned over her with his chest bare, showing the blonde hair that lay against a bronzed body, tapering all the way down to the loin cloth she had made, a loin cloth that suddenly seemed to be far too little fabric for the man.
She jerked her eyes back up to his face and expected to see a smug grin. Instead, he watched her with darkened eyes, his face a mask as to what he was thinking. Olivia was finding it hard to breathe with him hovering over her, the warmth of his body seeping into hers.
“I’m-I’m sorry I awoke you with my nightmare. And I thank you for letting me tell you about it. Perhaps I’ll be the same as you and no longer be tormented by the dream now that I’ve finally told someone what happened. But you must get your rest. You needn’t worry about me.” She hoped she had made a firm enough statement that he would move back to his side of the bed.
Instead, his eyes roved over her face and his thumb rubbed the lips he had just recently kissed. “You are unlike any woman I’ve ever known.” His voice was hushed, heightening the intimacy of their position. “And so very, very beautiful, in every way.”
He lowered his head and, against Olivia’s better judgment, she eagerly met his lips for the kiss. Her hands shifted and she laid one upon the side of his face, feeling the stubble of his unshaven skin, and she laid the other hand upon his chest, enjoying the feel of his crisp, blonde curls against her palm.
Gradually he pulled away, but still stayed close enough to her that she didn’t feel alone in the night, surrounded by her nightmares. “Get some sleep, angel. I’ll protect you from any of your nightmares.”
As ridiculous as it sounded, she believed him, and she drifted into a peaceful, healing sleep.
Chapter Fifteen
Life had settled into a simple routine, with constant exercise to build Cade’s strength, chores, and cooking. With more than a little reservation, Olivia had taken the lotion Serena had given Cade and began to massage it into his leg, focusing on his aching muscles.
It put them in another intimate situation and, surprisingly, neither of them seemed bothered by it. She still fought her personal demons that he didn’t really desire her or see her as appealing, but his actions spoke otherwise.
He was getting better at moving around the house, and took advantage of every time he passed her pressing a kiss to her cheek or forehead, holding her close as they took advantage of watching the sun rise and set on the front and back porches.
His restlessness was obvious, though. He pushed himself to his physical limit every day, and every day he was growing stronger. He was able to chop firewood and bring stacks into the house. He was able to tend to the mule to make sure it was comfortable in the difficult conditions of the rain and unusual cold for the season. Overall, he was just more active with everything. She knew it was a matter of time before he was prepared to go after Bella. Which meant she had to get everything prepared for her plan to work as quickly as possible.
When, only a couple of weeks after her last journey to town, she informed him she needed to go to town again, he insisted that he would go with her. “I won’t allow you to be exposed to that danger again.”
“And I won’t allow the healing that we’ve accomplished to be put in jeopardy by an unnecessary journey. I’ll be fine, Cade. I’m only gathering a few items, and won’t need the wagon this time, which will allow me to travel faster.”
“What is so important that you have to go into town? Don’t we have enough food and supplies to get by a few more weeks?”
Olivia shook her head but wouldn’t look at him, instead focusing on the laundry she had just brought in off the lines. “Barely. And I won’t make the mistake of traveling so late this time. Besides, I need to know how Angie is coming along with her pregnancy and the illness to her stomach. I need to know that Serena hasn’t burned down half the town.” She sighed heavily and finally made eye contact with him. “I need to see my family, Cade.”
He couldn’t argue with that. And so it was the next morning that she set out on the mule, riding at a brisk pace towards town. She had known it would be difficult, but she hadn’t expected the churning of her stomach and the dampness in her hands to realize how afraid she really was. The officer that had attacked her had vowed to take his revenge out on her. She had no idea he would do exactly that if he saw her.
She kept a low profile, wearing a wide-brimmed hat and dressed in one of the few gowns she had remaining to her name. The mule moved more swiftly than usual, more than likely eager to be able to stretch out after being kept in the small stable yard for so long.
It was still fairly early in the morning when she reached the cocina, and her grandfather was just pulling tripas off of the grill outside. His face split into a wide grin at the sight of her, and he waved for her to hurry over as he set the pan down, putting the food on hold until he’d had a chance to hug his granddaughter.
Olivia scrambled off the mule and hastily tied it to the porch post before rushing into his open arms. She breathed in the scent of him, the smell of smoke from the pit, the musky lotion he used when he shaved and had used for years—the smell of home.
He pulled back and held her at arm’s length, his eyes searching her from head to toe. “You look good, hijita. Is this man being respectful of you? You are still a pure lady?”
Olivia’s face went bright red. “Abuelo! You know me well enough to know that I will keep a man in his place, no matter what the situation is.”
His grin returned. “That’s my girl. How is this cowboy of yours? How is his recovery?”
“Slow. But steady. He is able to walk around some now, but he still hasn’t tried to ride the mule. He is still in a great deal of pain.”
He sighed and shook his head. “He was badly injured. But they seem to have given up the search for him. At least from what I’ve seen and the way the officers are acting. I wonder why they wanted to capture him so badly. Have you learned more from him?”
“Yes, and that’s one of the reasons I’m here. But let’s get this food inside before it gets cold, and then Abuela will be mad at you.”
He chuckled slightly, then picked up the pan and followed Olivia inside. Her grandmother was already headed in their direction, more than likely to bark at her grandfather about the tripas, but was drawn up short when she saw Olivia.
“Olivia! Oh, my dear girl, how much I�
�ve missed you!”
“We’ve missed you.” Her grandfather corrected her as he stepped through the door and placed the tripas on the counter.
Her grandmother just scowled at him, before turning back to Olivia and grabbing her in a tight embrace. “How have you been? Is the cowboy treating you well?”
“Yes, Abuela. He is a gentleman.”
“Good. Now, we are busy this morning, so it is good that you have arrived. Grab your apron.”
Olivia did so with a smile on her face and had barely turned around before she was grabbed in another tight hug. “Serena! Oh, Serena, I’ve missed you so much!”
Serena pulled back, a half grin teasing her lips. “Even all my antics?”
“Even all your antics,” Olivia said, laughing softly. “I’ve missed all of you so very much.”
After an equally excited greeting from Angie, they all turned to the breakfast service and a room full of hungry soldiers. Olivia was surprised as she watched her two sisters navigate the room. Serena was the most surprising of all.
The usually wild child was wearing a normal skirt and shirtwaist, although she had tied a bright scarf around her waist. Even her hair was slightly tamed, tied back with the same colored bright scarf. Where there were usually wild, crazy curls, she had combed it down some, and it wasn’t full of any of her decorated beads, feathers, or other miscellaneous items she usually used.
And she was working the room quickly and efficiently, taking care of the hungry customers while flashing them polite smiles that Olivia doubted she’d ever seen before. Serena had changed in just the few weeks that Olivia been gone, and had matured in ways she had never expected.
Several hours later, they had finished cleaning the kitchen and gathered together in their small, private living area that they kept separate from the dining area of their customers. Olivia sat near Serena and ran her hand over the young girl’s hair. “You’ve changed,” she said softly.
Serena looked over at her with a smirk. “Some. But only as little as necessary.”
Texas Desire Page 15
