He settled down alongside her and brought the blankets over them, creating the warm cocoon they had become accustomed to. Olivia found herself facing him directly, her eyes meeting his, and she instantly looked away. She wasn’t ready to face him.
Cade reached up and cupped her chin, tilting it up until she raised her eyes to his. “I’ve missed you, angel. I’ve missed you so very much. And I know it is my fault, and I’m going to try to fix it. But I need you, more than I realized or wanted to admit.”
Olivia’s eyes searched his, trying to comprehend what he was saying. “I haven’t gone anywhere,” she replied. “How can you miss me?”
He closed his eyes for several moments then as he opened them, his fingers on her chin relaxed and traced her jawline softly. “I’ve missed this, angel. I’ve missed being able to touch you, to feel you, and to hear your voice.” He leaned in closer to her, and her heart was racing. “I’ve missed being able to do this,” he whispered, and his lips brushed over hers lightly, then with more intensity.
Olivia should pull away—she was allowing her heart to be vulnerable to pain all over again, but she didn’t care. She loved this man, and if he wanted to touch her, to kiss her, then she would enjoy every bit that she could.
She returned the kiss with enthusiasm and he deepened the kiss as his fingers buried in her hair. When they broke apart, they were breathless.
“God, how I’ve missed you,” he said roughly.
Olivia shook her head and pulled back slightly. “I don’t understand, Cade. I don’t understand how you could want this from me.”
“You don’t understand—how can you not understand this? For a month we have shared touches, caresses as we passed each other, sweet kisses whenever the opportunity arose. Don’t you crave it? Or have I hurt you so badly that you don’t want anything from me anymore?”
Olivia’s eyes flew to his. “You didn’t hurt me. It was my fault, and I see that now. I just—I had just hoped...” She closed her eyes as tears began to build behind her eyes.
“Talk to me, angel. I can’t fix anything if I don’t know what all I did wrong. And I know I have made a terrible mistake, but I want to rectify it.”
“A terrible mistake? It was a mistake to be honest with me?” Olivia shook her head and would have rolled to her back had his arms not moved around her, keeping her close to him.
How could she talk to him when she wanted to cry out all of the pain in her heart?
She drew a deep breath. She would confess to Cade why she had been aloof. And perhaps then he would be grateful, knowing she had finally come to the right mind. But his actions in the moment spoke of a different story, and she was completely confused. It was best to just confess.
“I’ve known for a very long time how unattractive I am to men, to the point that sometimes they can’t even bear laying their eyes on me. But with you... with you, I feel like a woman. A true woman who can be kissed and caressed the way lovers do. I feel as if you find me appealing, not revolting, and I want to be every bit of a woman with you.”
“Olivia—”
“Please, let me finish. I know you have been without a woman for a long time. And I know that men have needs, and are willing to make sacrifices in order to have those needs met. But I had forgotten how undesirable I am when in your arms, and I became far too brazen. I tried to push you into desiring me as much as I desire you, but you could not lower yourself to be with me. Even though your body had a need, you couldn’t bring yourself to be with me.”
“Of all the—”
“I understand, Cade, truly, I do. I know the names they call me in San Antonio. I know that no man wants to touch me. It is my fault for thinking it would be different with you, and I’m sorry that I put you in that position.”
“Olivia, stop.” His voice quivered with emotion, and she couldn’t tell if it was anger or frustration, or perhaps it was relief that she had taken the burden off of him to explain what had happened between them.
Her eyes lifted to his and his blue eyes shined brightly in the moonlight. Everything about him, from his soft blonde hair, to his incredible eyes, to his square jaw and even his slightly bent nose, made her love him and desire him. But it wasn’t meant to be.
His fingers reached up to trace her eyebrows, the curve of her jaw, the bow of her slightly parted lips. “You are, without a doubt, one of the most attractive woman I have ever seen. Anyone who said or thought otherwise was either blind or a fool. You had horrible things done to you in the past to make you feel unattractive. But I thought you were past all of that! Can’t you see how incredibly beautiful you are?”
“Please, Cade, please don’t do this. Please don’t tell me these things to make me feel better. I’ve caught glimpses of myself in the mirror and even I couldn’t tolerate looking for long. Don’t tell me these lies to try to make me feel better about myself.”
Both of Cade’s hands captured her face and her startled eyes met his. “I’m not lying, Olivia. You are exquisite. I could simply watch you all day and be happy the entire time. You are beautiful. I don’t know why they were so determined to make you think you are anything less. But they were wrong. If I didn’t find you attractive, how could I do this?”
His lips crushed hers, his hands moving from her head down to her collarbone where his thumb traced the hollow of her throat. His hands finally settled on her waist and squeezed gently, pulling her closer to him.
They were both breathing heavily when he pulled away from her, and Olivia’s heart raced.
“Why?” she whispered. “If you desire me, why did you push me away? What did I do wrong?”
“You didn’t do anything wrong, angel. It was all my fault.”
Oliva watched him, confused, and then her gaze fell to his lips, swollen from their kiss and all she wanted was to kiss him again, to feel his tongue grazing her lips, asking permission to enter and tease her to heightened levels.
“You can’t love me, Olivia. You can’t.”
Olivia pulled back away from him slightly, watching his eyes more closely. “What do you mean? I can’t change the way my heart feels for you. And while you are with me for only a short time longer, I wanted to take full advantage of my love for you. I know there will be no other after you.”
“Don’t love me, angel. Everyone who has ever loved me is either dead or currently a prisoner of the Mexican military. My wife died. My son died. And they have Bella. If they capture you and know you are close to me, you will die also. I can’t let that happen.”
“I am a strong woman, Cade. And even stronger because I love you. And I will continue to say that, no matter how much you don’t want it to be true. I love you. I love you so very, very much.”
Cade’s lips came down on hers firmly, and she sighed with pleasure as his tongue tasted her. His arm circled around her and pulled her closer, holding her tightly as his mouth continued its assault. Her own hands moved up and ran through his blonde hair, tugging gently as the desire rose within her.
His lips pulled away from hers and began to trail down her jaw, then her neck, and she arched her head back, giving him full access to her skin, becoming vulnerable once again to the power of his touch. He moaned his approval softly, but with reluctance he stopped his caress and his fingers tightened on her waist. “I can’t, angel. I can’t do this with you.”
Dazed, Olivia shifted her head to look at him, her eyes full of desire and love. “What? What can’t you do?”
“This,” he said squeezing her waist and allowing his hands to travel a little higher and lightly brush her breasts. His hands were shaking as he pulled away from her and ran them down his face. “Olivia, you deserve a far better man than me. I have nothing to offer you—no stability, no home, not even my love. I can give you my desire, my passion, and I crave being with you intimately more than you will ever know. But I can’t take this beautiful gift that you offer to me when it belongs to a man far better than me.”
Olivia closed her eyes for sever
al seconds, trying to regain control of her emotions. But it didn’t seem to be working. When her eyes opened they were still full of love and desire. “There is no other man for me, Cade. Nor will there ever be. You haven’t been listening to me.”
“I’ve heard everything you’ve said, angel. And that doesn’t change the fact that you should have a better man. I want you to have the beautiful life you deserve, Olivia, and that won’t happen with me.”
Olivia smiled softly at him, and her fingers traced his eyebrows, his high cheekbones, his firm lips. “I know what you believe. And I know how I feel. I know that you will leave once you have Bella and that you will no longer have me in your life. Knowing that, I want to soak up as much time with you as I can possibly can. Unless you don’t want me to. If you want me to stay away from you, I will.”
“God, I know I should tell you yes. I know I should tell you to stay as far away from me as possible. I know I should try to make you hate me so that you will never be at risk for any pain, either from me or my enemies. But the selfish part of me wants to enjoy you and enjoy the brief time we have left together.”
“So which side of your odd logic wins?” she asked him in a voice barely above a whisper.
His eyes collided with hers in the moonlight, and the small flames from the fire that was beginning to go out made it seem his eyes were dancing. “I choose you, angel. I choose you.”
Chapter Nineteen
News traveled slowly across Texas, and as the devastating blow to the Alamo traveled east, the newly founded government of Texas took flight. Fearing Santa Anna’s further aggression, they left what was to be the new capital of the republic, New Washington, and headed east, towards Harrisburg.
Santa Anna scented their fear, and took off in pursuit of the fleeing government, ready to put an end to any and all who still thought the revolution had a leg to stand on. When he reached New Washington, he had been furious that the Texian government had fled.
He ordered his men to destroy the town and, even from a distance, Cade and Olivia could see the smoke of the burning town. April twelfth, he crossed the Brazos River, along with his large force of military strength.
The news came to Cade and Olivia as they traveled, meeting some people on the path carrying a few of their precious belongings with them, trying to get as far away from Santa Anna and his ruthless military as possible.
The rains had been falling again, leaving Cade and Olivia drenched for nearly a week. The stench of the burning town mingled with the rain as they rode through New Washington. The devastation to the town was hard to witness, but they pressed forward, knowing they were getting closer.
They huddled together at night, and they enjoyed sweet, loving embraces, but Cade made sure it never went past that. As much as he desired her, he wouldn’t take advantage of the unusual situation they were in. He knew it frustrated her, and it was driving him insane. So, instead, he got her to start talking. They both started sharing stories about their lives as they lay facing each other, laughing softly in the night air. It wasn’t what his body craved, but it was what his soul demanded.
Cade was overjoyed that Olivia desired him as much as he desired her. But he knew how little he had to offer her, and he wasn’t going to put her in a position where she would look back on their time together and regret it. Her love though... her love was what made it capable for him to get through the day.
He had never thought he would be loved by a woman again, and even doubted if he was ever truly loved by a woman. Certainly not with the passion and unconditional love Olivia offered him. His wife had offered him respect. But it hadn’t been love. But he had been in love with her. At least—he thought he had. He enjoyed her presence, enjoyed coming home to her, and couldn’t have been more grateful for the children she had given him.
What he felt for Olivia was different. He craved her presence. He craved the sound of her voice, or the brush of her hand. She brought him comfort and solace, and she created a desire within him no woman had ever done. The realization made his chest tighten. Dear God, he was in love with her.
The ferry rocked on the choppy water, drawing his attention back to the moment. Olivia stood by his side, her eyes looking out across the frothing water with unease, her hands clinging to the railing. On the other side they would come upon Santa Anna’s troops.
Cade wrapped a protective arm around her, and she leaned into him, seeking his warmth and strength. “All of this rain has caused the river to swell. But the ferry is solid and we can make it across. It will just be rough.”
She glanced up at him and gave him a shaky smile. “I’ll be very thankful once we are off this blasted thing.”
A log floating in the river bumped into the ferry, causing the entire thing to shake, and Olivia grabbed ahold of Cade’s hands. She gripped them so tightly he could feel his fingers going numb. He smiled down at her and pressed a kiss to her forehead. “On the bright side of things, the rain has stopped.”
A few men suddenly yelled several comments and the ferry was turned loose and instantly began bobbing and heaving across the water. Cade widened his stance, bracing himself against the pitch and sway and kept a tight hold on Olivia.
The ride felt like hours, though it was closer to just a half hour. Olivia was holding on to him as if she never intended to let him go, and she wobbled as she was finally able to step off the ferry and on to solid ground.
Cade observed the area around them and frowned. Hundreds of horses had pounded through the area recently, turning it into a muddy marsh to plod through. They were certainly on the right track.
After gathering their horses and fighting through the mud, they were finally able to mount up, and Olivia looked over at Cade. “We’re almost there,” she said. “You’ll have her back in your arms very soon.”
Cade’s heart leapt at the thought. To hold his sweet little girl again, to smell her hair, her soft skin, and tickle her with his whiskers until she was laughing hysterically was a dream he had never thought possible.
And it wouldn’t have been—not without the woman riding close to him. If she had turned him away that fateful night—if she had told him “no” to his request for help, he would have died from his wounds.
Olivia looked over at him and smiled. “You seem to be in deep thought. Care to share?”
He felt his throat close up briefly. This incredible woman had given him everything, including her heart. He had nothing to offer her. He had no home, he had no future. He barely knew what he was going to do with Bella once they rescued her. All he had to offer Olivia was his love, but that wasn’t enough. She needed a man that was going to provide for her, take care of her, and make sure she was happy for the rest of her life.
“I don’t know how to thank you enough for what you have done,” he finally said, urging his horse to ride up alongside her. He reached out and grasped her hand. “I never would be this close to Bella if it hadn’t been for you.”
A blush crept up her neck and made her cheeks flame red at his praise. “Oh, Cade,” she said softly, “I’ve done little except irritate you and drive you close to madness with my attempts at healing you. I’m thankful that it has paid off and that you are strong enough to take Bella and rebuild your life.”
Cade squeezed her hand then released it and turned his eyes to the beautiful countryside they rode through. The tall pines provided incredible shelter from the sun, and the scent in the air was fresh and energizing. He had witnessed many areas of Texas, and was amazed that each and every place was different, from dessert land, to the ports along the coast, to the great prairie land he had built his home on, to this beautiful forest.
“We’re probably a half day’s ride away from their rear regiment,” Cade said, returning his mind to what lay ahead. Bella wasn’t his, yet. They still had to go through the process of sneaking her out of the Mexican camp, and neither he nor Olivia knew what they were in for.
Olivia’s eyes drifted upwards and his followed to see the dark
clouds that were rolling in, blocking out the sun. They had finally dried off for the first time in days, and the idea of getting drenched again was highly unappealing.
Cade’s eyes searched their surroundings and, much to his surprise and pleasure, he spotted a break in the trees where an old, ancient tree had hollowed out and petrified, creating the perfect resting place for them to weather through the storm. “Over here.” He turned his horse towards the break in the trees and Olivia followed, hesitantly at first, but then more eagerly as she saw where he was headed.
By the time they had their blankets and saddlebags in the log, a light drizzle had started, and within minutes the sky burst open and the rain pounded the outside of the log. They adjusted their blankets and the saddlebags and enjoyed a light lunch of dried meat and cheese to the sound of the rain.
Sighing with contentment, Olivia turned and nestled up against Cade, laying her head on his shoulder. “We are so close. Bella is so very close to being in your arms again.”
Cade wrapped his arm around her and rested his chin on the top of her head. “She’s close but so far away, angel. It’s as though I can see her, but I can’t reach her. I feel as though I’m stuck in this swamp mud around here.”
Olivia grabbed Cade’s hand and interlaced her fingers with his. “You will hold her in your arms again soon. What will be the first thing you want to tell her?” she asked, trying to draw his mind on some more positive thoughts.
“That I love her. And that I’ve missed her so very, very much.”
Olivia squeezed his hand. “She will feel the same way. What else do you want to tell her?”
His chest rumbled with a slight chuckle. “I want to tell her about you, of course. The bravest woman I’ve ever known in my life. How you rescued me from the Mexican Army and brought me to her.”
Texas Desire Page 19
