by Julia North
The thoughts helped my darkness inside to grow and I cut and cut at the sticky green bush, my whole body like the lion ready to kill. I looked sideways at Uglyboy. I wanted to cut faster than him and I was in charge. I wanted to be first one for Mobuto.
“Shh, down,” said Mobuto, suddenly stopping.
I’d been so busy with my thoughts that I hadn’t realized we were nearly at the village. Mobuto turned and showed us with his hand to get down. We knew what to do now and obeyed him instantly, falling on our bellies in the long yellow grass. Then, very slowly, we crept forward, pushing ourselves bit by bit with our legs. We were so clever and so quiet the enemy would not hear us.
I pushed myself on my stomach through the long grass. I felt it tickle my nose and cheeks but I kept my eyes fixed in front. I saw the tops of the thatched village huts through the grass.
I moved forward another foot and then through the gaps of the reeds I saw the whole village. The women were making maize porridge on glowing fires. They sat on tree stumps with their big black iron pots in front of them. “Thump, thump, thump,” they went as they hit the wooden sticks into the pots to grind the porridge.
I saw little sparks fly from the fire as they thumped it. The smell of porridge was thick in the air.
There were children running around and making a noise nearby. They were hungry for their breakfast and my heart softened. I did not know if I wanted to kill children, but then I remembered that they were from the enemy who would kill us first and my heart grew hard.
I could not fear to slay them. I could not see their men so they must be fighting with the army against us and these children would grow up and kill us Mobuto had said. He told us we had to kill their women and children and make them suffer or they would make us suffer.
“Hotshot, Uglyboy,” whispered Mobuto. “Take the huts on the left. Bloodneverdry, you take five of the others and get those on the right. Shithead, you and Trigger guard from the back in case the men come back and I’ll take from the middle. When I say ‘GO’ we attack. Are you ready?”
“We nodded at Mobuto. My body was tense. I would tear the village with my AK.
“GO!”
I ran screaming from the bush, my head thrown back and my teeth showing. Every muscle in my body was alive. I pushed my AK back into my shoulder and headed straight for the huts Mobuto had pointed out, shooting my fire bullets at them.
The women jumped up in terror. They were so frightened that they nearly fell in the fire. One woman grabbed her child and started to run and run, but I was too fast. I pulled her red skirt and she fell in the dust.
“P-p-please don’t hurt us. Don’t hurt my child,” she screamed, covering her terrified face with her trembling hands and pulling up her knees to her chin like a baby.
Her pleas just made me want to hurt her more. My mind was filled with madness. “Enemy pig bitch,” I screamed, and kicked her in the head. “You help the enemy pig. You’re the people who rape and kill my family.”
“No, we’re not,” she pleaded. “We’re just living in the village.”
“Liar,” I shouted, and hit her hard with the butt of my AK.
She rolled over onto her side, clutching her head and wailed.
“Put her on her stomach and pull her arms in front,” commanded Mobuto coming up behind me.
“Yes, sah,” I said as Uglyboy and I pushed the woman onto her stomach with her arms stretched out in front. She was crying so much that she was eating the dirt and bubbles of mud were coming from her mouth. We kicked her and laughed.
“Now watch,” said Mobuto. He lifted up his machete high in the air and brought it down hard on the woman’s hand. The hand jumped away and the red blood fountain spurted high into the air. The woman screamed so loud that it hurt my head, but I was not scared of the blood, even if it was so thick and red.
“Now it’s your turn, Hotshot.”
I lifted up my machete with both my hands high above my head. I held my breath in so that I could steady my arms. I focused my eyes on her shivering brown hand. Uglyboy was holding her arm flat on the dusty ground. He looked up at me with a warning. He did not have to worry. My aim was good.
I pulled my arms back over my head and then like lightning I brought down my machete. The hand jumped far away. The red blood leaped and pumped from her arm. I felt a surge of power and pride. I’d hit it spot on.
The woman was groaning with the blood running away making her weak. I kicked her. She was an evil thing and I’d done well; she would not work for the enemy again. Mobuto grunted and turned away from her squirming body. He patted me on the shoulder.
“Good work, Hotshot. Your aim was excellent.”
“Thank you, sah,” I said. “I’ll cut off many more hands for you.”
Chapter 25
That night as I lie on my bed dark spirits fill the dorm. My heart beats hard and sweat breaks out all over me. There is a shadow bending over me and another at the end of my bed.
I try and scream but nothing comes out. I am frozen. What is happening to me? Help me please.
I try and scream again but all that escapes is a croak. My body grows wet with sweat and my heart pounds so hard that my ears hurt. Help me somebody. Richard…Trigger…help. The thoughts scream away in my head but still I cannot move or speak. The face of the shadow is over me now. I can smell the stink of rotting flesh. Its red eyes filled with hate drill into my mind like knives. The other shadow is crawling over my bed towards me. The devil has sent his spirits to take me. They will suck out my soul.
I cannot stop them. I cannot watch them do this. I squeeze my eyes tight. My breath is loud and hard. Then the hands come. Bloody hands rise up in front of my closed eyes. They hit my face. Their iron smell is strong in my nostrils. The blood is flowing into them and down my throat. It is trying to drown me. No…no…Then my body moves. I kick my feet and thrash my hands. My mouth opens wide and I scream and scream, “No…No…help me, help me.”
Hands shake my shoulders. A face comes in front of me. I stare up at Richard’s big eyes. Trigger comes beside him.
“Stop screaming,” Trigger shouts. “It’s okay. You’re having a nightmare.”
“Wake up, Hotshot. Wake up,” says Richard.
I stop screaming and turn my head to the side away from them. I stare at the far wall with a heaving chest as tears prick behind my eyes.
“I thought I saw something,” I say, and my voice croaks. I feel my face grow hot. “It’s okay. Go back to sleep.”
“Try and not worry,” says Trigger. “It’s just the nightmare. You must talk to the doctor.”
I tense my body and say nothing. Every night I’m dreaming bad things like these bloody hands. The dark spirits are laughing inside me. They don’t want me in this place. They want to take me back to the darkness. That’s why they tried to take me just now. How will I get away from them? No, they are in me. I must stay with them and do what they want.
I give a big sigh. If I do that then they won’t harm me. They won’t suck out my soul. The doctor he knows nothing. He does not have the evil inside. How can he help? How? I hate him. I wish David were here to help me. He would understand. The thought of David causes a pain in my stomach. I close my eyes and try and push his face from my mind.
“Try and sleep,” says Richard as he and Trigger go back to their beds.
But I can’t sleep and toss and turn until the sun rises. Then I get up before the others and go to the washroom. I splash cold water on my face but inside my heart remains heavy and full of fear. I can’t get this Holy Spirit from my mind. Maybe that’s why the dark spirits are angry. There is fear deep in my belly, which I can’t chase away. It follows me and attacks by making my heart beat from my chest and sweat break out all over my body. I want to run screaming but I don’t know to where.
It’s school today again and I give at sigh. At least that is one thing that helps me. I want to learn more and more so that I can become a Commander one day in the L.R.A. I see Mobuto‘
s big body in my head and my belly pains. He was clever. He could read and do many sums. I will one day be like him.
I sit at my desk as Mama Zuma hands out the sums from last lesson. We did multiplication and division and I look with eager eyes. There are many red ticks through my book.
“Good work, Modetse, you have them nearly all right. Do your corrections and then we’re going to do some English.”
I nod and do my corrections with a firm face. Next time I want full marks. We learn how to do Swahili phrases into English. Mama Zuma says that English is an international language and it is important that we learn it. I’m happy to do this.
Mama Zuma comes and stands over me as I work through the phrases. She smiles and says, “Very good work, Modetse,” which makes me feel warm inside but then she looks so deep into my eyes that I feel she can read my soul. I shift on my seat and frown.
“You okay,” she whispers, bending over me.
“Of course,” I say quickly, and pull a face. My heart beats in my ears. She knows this Holy Spirit well. She can see the dark spirits have been worrying me. I don’t know what to do. These things are too big for me to deal with. I can’t kill them with an AK or my hands. They are an invisible enemy. How will I fight them?
“Dr. Zuma will help you,” she whispers as if she can read my thoughts. “I think it is time you speak to him.”
I glare at her and say nothing. She has spoiled my day. All I want to do is my schoolwork. I don’t want to think about the doctor and I don’t want to think about any spirits. How will he be able to fight this invisible enemy? He is no different to me.
She sees my anger and pats me on the shoulder. “Keep up the good work. Do the next page now. You will get through it.”
I shrug her touch away and turn the page fiercely. I know she means more than the work but I don’t believe her. I finish doing the phrases but inside my stomach is tight and my head finds it hard to concentrate. I just want to run away from everything but how do I run from myself?
Chapter 26
Mobuto marched up to me while I sat and cleaned my AK.
“Hotshot,” he shouted. “I’ve good news for you.”
I jumped up and saluted him quickly. My heart jumped. Mobuto stood and smiled a sly smile making me wait for a few minutes. “We’ve decided to promote you to Lieutenant. You’ve been here eighteen months now. It is time for promotion.” He gave a big laugh. “You are happy, no?”
“Yes, Commander, I’m very happy,” I said as I pushed my shoulders back and stood up straight. “Thank you, sah,” I saluted again. Inside my heart was dancing. I was an officer now. Soon I would have the power to ask Mobuto if I could fetch Thandi.
“I’m coming, Thandi girl,” I said in my head. “I’m coming.” Ay, maybe this could really be true? Soon I would find her. My stomach was happy and a big smile broke out across my face. Thandi would be waiting for me. She knows that I would never forget to look for her.
Mobuto grunted and walked over to pin my lieutenant bars. He patted me hard on the back so that I fell forward a bit.
“Make sure you lead well, Lieutenant Hotshot. You have a squadron of new boys under you now. Fetch them from Bilole and take them to the field for training.” Mobuto turned and took out a big hat for the sun. He gave it to me.
I saluted and put the hat on my head lifted it proud like the General. “Yes, sah.” I saluted again and marched off smiling inside to find my squadron.
I found Bilole and saw six new boys from the village standing behind him looking scared.
“These my boys?” I asked puffing out my chest.
“Yes, Lieutenant,” said Bilole. He smiled with big teeth. “Take them away but be careful. Commander Mobuto said the General will be here tomorrow. You must make them look good for him; if they don’t you will pay.”
I shrugged but then saluted and swaggered over to the group of boys. They all looked about eight or nine years and were standing shivering on thin legs and looking at me with big eyes.
“My name is Lieutenant Hotshot,” I barked. “You are in my squadron now and I’ll train you hard. What are your names? You first,” I said, poking the smallest with my finger. He was very thin with a round stomach and round head like a gem squash. His eyes were so big that they looked like they covered nearly his whole face.
He nearly fell backwards and stammered, “Joshua, sah.”
“You and you?” I said to the other two. They were both about nine and also thin.
“Bongi, sah,” said the first one. He had a scar down his arm and another on his cheek. There was a bit of his ear missing at the top. I stared at it with narrow eyes.
“You from the streets?”
He nodded. “I am from Kampala,” he said in a small voice.
My spirit flinched. Thandi was still in Kampala. “From the dump?” I said.
He shook his head. “No, sah, from the West side.”
I stared at him and then looked at the next one.
“I am Vincent, sah,” he said.
He had a thin face like an antelope and looked at me like I was a hungry lion. I saw his knees shaking. His shorts and shirt were dirty and torn. He stood close to Bongi like he knew him and must also come from the same streets.
“Right, now move, you fucking goats. Take up those stones over there. Put one on each shoulder and you must run fast round the field. If you drop one of the stones I will kill you. Do hear me? I will kill you. Now move!”
“Yes, sah,” they said with their big frightened eyes.
I watched them with a straight back and narrow eyes. My stomach was warm inside and my mind smiled. I would make these boys strong like me and make sure my squadron was the best. When they were strong from the stones I would teach them with the wooden AK and then I would let them fire their first magic bullet. I would show Mobuto and Bilole that my squadron was the best.
I made them run for an hour. The sun was hot and high in the sky but my hat helped. I had to show the General my squadron one day and I couldn’t have any weak boys to let me down.
“Run, you fucking pieces of shit. Run. One two, one two. Faster, faster.”
I watched them sweat I laughed inside because they found it so hard. They looked like they were tough even though they’re small. Vincent was the fastest and he held his stone so tight his knuckles were white. His jaw was pushed forward as he panted around the field. Joshua’s big eyes stared hard in front and his chest moved hard up and down as he ran but he kept going. Bongi looked tough. He had a firm face and narrow eyes and held his stone close to him with tight arms as he ran around. As they bobbed up and down with their big eyes and panting hearts I remembered when I carried the heavy stones. I glanced down and flexed my arms with their strong muscles. I’d grown tall and every fiber in my body was taunt and ready to kill. I looked out at the running boys. After a few months they would be different. It was hard for them now but they’d thank me later. They were city boys. The little hyenas would be okay.
“Sit down,” I shouted after they’d been running for thirty minutes.
The boys dropped the stones and looked at me with big eyes and panting mouths.
“Move to the river. You can drink the water and then you’ll come and watch the magic bullets fly from my AK. You must come in one hour,” I shouted.
“Yes, sah. Thank you, sah,” they said, and saluted.
I saw Vincent give a big smile and then he and Bongi high- fived with weak arms. Joshua followed behind them with quick steps and a panting chest.
I walked to the Officer’s Hut. It felt good to have my own boys and I was very excited that for the first time I could go there and eat and drink the beer. There was also Jamba to smoke. They let us have lots of Jamba but we were not allowed to drink beer with the officers. Now that was gone. Now I would feel the beer in my belly and the Jamba in my brain.
“Ho, ho, Hotshot, you can come to the Officer Hut now. That must make you happy?” said Mobuto as I mounted the stairs. He was sitting on
the cool veranda with Nkunda and Bilole.
“Yes, sah,” I said with a big smile.
“Have you finished training your squad?”
“Yes, it’s too hot. My stomach’s crying for the beer.”
“Good. Bilole, get a tusker for Hotshot.”
Bilole grunted and hoisted up his fat body to bring me a cold Tusker. I felt very proud to take it. I was like a man now. The Tusker was strong and gold and I licked the foam off the top so that my lip has a white moustache. Mobuto laughed at me.
“So, are you ready for another raid, Lieutenant?”
“Always, sah. I want to cut off more hands and feet for you, sah.”
“Yes, Hotshot, we will find some new ones for you. I heard there’s a village on the other side of the Gokwa river where the enemy pigs are getting food. It’ll be a two day trek for us but it’ll be worth the pickings.”
“Lots of new hands that will do no more work,” I said, and gave a devil laugh.
“Yes, my friend. Soon there will be no more hands to work for the enemy,” said Mobuto. His gold tooth glinted at me.
“Hotshot –you can have the meat now,” said Bilole.
He dished himself a big plate and stuffed it in his mouth.
“Yes, go get some and give me more,” said Mobuto. He threw me his empty plate.
I went over to the big black pot filled with warthog stew and dish up two plates full. The rich smell made my stomach dance. I was a lucky soldier to be an officer now.
“So, Hotshot, tonight Nkunda and I have a better plan for you.”
“Oh, what is that, sah?”
“Yes, Lieutenant, this will be better than the beer and the meat,” said Nkunda with a sideways mouth.
“Or even the hands,” laughed Mobuto.
My mind was frowning now. What could be better?
“Tonight your man will taste your first ladylove, Hotshot. You’re fourteen and we’ll see if you can shoot the magic bullets with your snake and not just your AK.”
“Ha, ha, ha. That’s good, Mobuto, maybe he has an AK for a man,” laughed Nkunda.
