by Julia North
My mouth opens and closes and I fiddle with my swim shorts. “Maybe,” I mumble.
That’s where she must go in the F20 truck when I see her and Bengu. “Does Bengu help, too?”
Tula nods. “Yes, he drives me and helps sometimes.”
I put my lips tight together and stare at the muddy ground. I can’t let him be the smart one. I must not look weak next to him. “Okay, I’ll think about it.”
“Good,” says Tula, leaning over to give me a hug. My body goes weak and my cheeks grow hotter as I feel her wet swimsuit against my chest. “They’re playing football this afternoon. You should play.”
“Yes,” I say, and my voice sounds like a squeak, which turns my cheeks to fire.
“Let’s go,” I say, getting up to hide my hot cheeks. I can play the good football. I will show Tula I am number one. I must not let her see my dark thoughts
The field is hot and dry but there’s a cool breeze, which dries the sweat on my body. I tie the long black laces of my white football boots, which the charity has given me. They’re Adidas and look nearly new with a smart blue stripe. Richard and Trigger are in my team and Bengu’s goalie for the other team.
“May the best team win,” says Dr. Zuma. He gives us the big smile as we get ready for kick off.
Trigger kicks first. The ball shoots like a bullet across the field. He is too good.
“Go, Richard,” I shout as the ball heads towards him through the air.
Richard runs and head butts it to me with his scarecrow hair. I catch it with the side of my foot and dribble it from side to side towards the goal. Richard runs behind on his thin legs and cheers. Bengu bends forward, arms out like a crab, eyes fixed on me and the jumping ball.
I play evil with him. I dribble the ball with clever feet from side to side causing him to move in time to its music. Then all of a sudden I give a hard kick. The ball slices high to the side and over Bengu’s head. He frowns. Richard, Trigger and I high-five and shout our victory.
“Ace, Modetse,” says Richard with a big grin.
“Good one, my brother,” says Trigger, shaking his square head and giving me the big hug. “Ay, we will win easy now.”
I stand stiff but then hug him back. His words make me warm inside. I look to the side of the field and see Tula clapping. My heart smiles. She’s glad I beat Bengu. That’s very good news and it makes me play even better as the game goes on. I go on to score another goal and we win 2:0.
My whole body is happy like the sun as Doctor and Mama Zuma call us back for mince pies and juice. That night we sit around a big campfire and sing a song about shepherds watching sheep when the angels visit and tell about baby Jesus while Dr. Zuma plays on the guitar.
My eyes look deep at the orange flames of the fire. I don’t want the bad fire of the darkness. I don’t want the devil’s fire like the one that burned Sipho. My heart beats fast as I remember the witchdoctor. He was from the devil. I look up at the dark sky, which is fat with shining stars. “Please let your light come on me and keep me from this devil,” I say in my mind. It speaks over the darkness, which hides inside.
The fire burns high and bright. Across from it I see Dr. Zuma looking at me. I look into his eyes and he smiles and gives me a thumbs up which makes me feel warm inside. Maybe he can show me the way to chase the dark spirits away for good.
It is late when we go back to our huts. I check under my pillow as I get into bed and smell the rich leather of my wallet. It is a good smell. I hope my silver coin will bring me luck and that I’ll dream of being rich. But the dark spirits mock my thoughts for as soon as I close my eyes, the hands come back to haunt me and take away the goodness of the day. The devil has not yet let me go.
Chapter 35
“Modetse, Modetse.”
I saw David running from the far side of the camp.
“Where’s Mobuto? Where’s the General?”
“What’s wrong?” I frowned. Why was there such a look of fright on David’s face?
Suddenly there was a loud bang and the thud of “Thowka, Thowka, Thowka,” came loud from the bush. Helicopter gunships rose up from the dark acacia trees on the horizon like a swarm of giant mosquitos and flew fast towards us; orange rays of bullets sprayed out from their feet.
My breath stopped! They were enemy gunships! How did they get here?
“I don’t know how they found us,” panted David with bulging eyes. “It’s a major attack. Where’s the General and Mobuto? We need them now! ”
“I don’t know,” I shouted, my stomach tight. “I think these want revenge for the ambush. We must get the RPGs. Quick!” I commanded as David stood frozen and the forward noise of the “Chuga, Chuga, Chuga,” drowned ours ears. The helicopters were too close! They were too many! My body dripped with sweat and my heart raced as I looked up at their mosquito eyes coming, coming towards us.
“Hurry,” shouted David, waking and grabbing my arm and pointing me towards the weapons store. I could see the fear on his forehead. His fear ate into mine and made my heart run too fast.
“Call your squadron, Modetse. I’ll run to the RPG Hut.”
I jerked my head and shouted, “You!” as Bongi and Joshua ran towards me with wide frightened eyes. “Fire at those helicopters you fucking idiots. You! Joshua! Go get the RPG from David and Fire! You others –shoot with your AKs. Now! Shoot!”
The boys obeyed and start shooting wildly into the air with wide white eyes. Badboy and Trigger ran past me screaming and firing into the sky. Everywhere our soldiers were running and shooting in all directions. I marched my eyes fast across the sky, my heart beating so fast I could hardly breathe. The helicopters, they were still coming.
“Mobuto? Bilole?” I screamed but I couldn’t see them anywhere. Where the fuck were they? Where was the fucking General? He should be leading us! “Shoot, you fools,” I shouted hard at the soldiers around me who looked like the ghosts, but inside my spirit too was dead from the fear.
“This’s madness, Modetse,” shouted David, above the noise. “I don’t know how they’ve taken us by surprise. Everyone’s panicking.”
His face was white and his hands were wet. I’d never seen him so afraid. My whole body was tense and I stared back panting and frozen. Where were the dark spirits? How could they let this happen? Then the ground exploded in front and my mind jumped back. The evil was in me. I would kill these pigs. I would kill them all!
“Get the mortars,” I screamed. “Get the fucking mortars! Fire! Fire!”
The noise of the booming guns and the chugging of the helicopters was so loud it made my head feel like it would explode. There was burning black smoke and roaring everywhere and I coughed and spluttered with running eyes.
“Hotshot –fire!” screamed Bloodneverdry, running around like a mad buffalo with his squadron and firing up in the sky.
I hoisted my AK onto my shoulder and started shooting as we ran along. I fired up at the bushes and the sky hoping to hit the enemy bastards. I could see the RPGs going off in front and hear the boom of the mortar fire. My stomach relaxed. At last Mobuto was leading a counter-attack. I would join him with more mortars and RPGs.
The grey helicopters with their double blades hovered down so low now that I could see the rebels and their guns. I ran zigzag to escape their bullets. We reached the RPG Hut and I grabbed one and threw one to David. My hands were so wet that the RPG nearly slipped from my hand.
“Quick, David.”
“They’re killing us,” shouted David. “We are finished.”
“No,” I screamed. “We must fight. Go!”
David ran outside with the RPG and I followed. We held them on our shoulders. I watched as one of the helicopter came, “Thowka, Thowka,” towards me. I narrowed my eyes and pointed up at the sky. I pressed the trigger. A line of fire sprang from the weapon, but the helicopter was too clever and moved fast to the side so my grenade missed. My body tensed and I screamed “Pig!” as I knelt down to reload.
Suddenly an
other helicopter swooped over and then another and another. Thousands of bullets burst out from their bellies. I fired more grenades. There were now so many helicopters I didn’t know where to aim.
Fear took hold of my mind and my hands were so slippery I couldn’t hold the weapon. I wiped them on my uniform, stiffened my body and clenched my jaw, but my stomach twisted with the fright. There were too many of them. Where did they all come from? How had they found us? Why had we not got news of the attack? How could our intelligence have failed? Why did David only hear when it was too late?
Suddenly a second swarm of big gun helicopters rose up from the trees. They came fast towards the camp in a flying formation. Many bullets spat out as they came. “Takka, Takka, Takka!” The loud noise of their spinning blades made my ears go like the deaf man. My body was numb with the fear. I’d never seen so many enemy. ‘Boom!’ Fierce shells dropped across the camp. They made the giant holes in the ground. Soldiers‘ bodies with broken arms and legs flew up in the air. Badboy did a mad dance against the sky, his braids flying around his face like the beaded curtain; then he fell to the earth like he was broken. My nose burned from the black smoke and blazing fire.
“Modetse, move! We’re outnumbered. We must take cover,” shouted David. I ran fast behind him towards the side of the ammo hut.
“Aiee,” I screamed as a shell has dropped right near us. The hot red earth sprayed onto my face and into my eyes. I tripped and fell down hard. My eyes cried from the black smoke. My legs went weak and my head wanted to grow black. No, I must not be weak. I must not die. I must not let them kill me. I must get back for Thandi! I must.
“Get away from the ammo hut, Modetse,” shouted David. “They’ll try and hit it. Go, run to the other side.”
I nodded and pushed myself up from the ground. I stumbled forward. I was wet with fear and my head was spinning. I was not in control anymore. I needed David to help. The spirits had failed me. The noise hurt my ears. I ran, holding the RPG with one hand and shot my AK with my other hand, but it was no good. The helicopters were too fast and too clever. I couldn’t aim properly while I was running.
The boys ran around in circles screaming. They were and too scared by the noise and smoke. I saw some were from my squadron.
“Shoot, you stupid boys. Shoot,” I screamed. I couldn’t let them see my fear. “There’s no time to be scared. Shoot your AKs, you fools. Kill the enemy pigs.”
“Take cover, Modetse,” shouted David from behind me. “Watch out for that helicopter.”
I looked up. There was a helicopter gun coming right towards me. I could see the face of the enemy hanging out of the window. He was trying to shoot me. David fired at him. I stopped and fired a burst of AK bullets. The helicopter darted to the side. We’d missed. It turned its bug eyes on me and bullets spat from its mouth. The ground burst open behind me. The sky cracked with their thunder. Red soil splattered into the air. My ears rang from the noise. I wanted to be sick. I realized that I was standing frozen in the open again, like the fool.
“Modetse!” screamed David. He turned back and grabbed my arm.
We reached the ammo hut and I fell to my knees and crawled under the wooden floor of the barracks. David followed in a rapid leopard crawl.
“At least they can’t see us here,” I said peering out from the underside of the hut. The sky in front was black with the enemy’s gunships. Pockets of fire and smoke were everywhere in the camp. Shells burst over our earth. They shattered the air. Bodies cracked. Blood splattered around us.
“The enemy’s too strong, David. They’ve too many killed.” I stared with wide eyes at our soldiers‘ bodies scattered across the ground of camp. Some of them were still twitching. Others were blown in pieces. I’d gone numb.
“I don’t know what to do,” whispered David, shaking.
“You’re Mr. Cleverboy, David. You must think!” I spluttered. I needed David to help. My mind was like the mad boy’s. I didn’t know what had happened to me. I felt like a small boy again. I wanted to be back with Umama and Thandi. I couldn’t do anything against this big enemy. Where was the fucking General? Where was fucking Mobuto and Bilole? Why were they not taking control?
David turned to me and smiled. His eyes were sad and my stomach dropped. I was very worried. David couldn’t do anything either. We were dead boys!
“Boom!” A shell exploded near the barracks. A cloud of stinking black smoke filled with splinters of angry wood spat out at us.
“We can’t stay here, Modetse,” said David. “Crawl out at the back and run to the huts behind which are near the bush. We’ll try and escape from there.”
I wiped the dirt from my eyes. I couldn’t see my way through the choking black smoke which clutched and squeezed at my throat. I let David go first so I could follow close behind. We coughed and coughed as the black smoke attacked our lungs.
“Modetse. C-c-come on this side.”
David turned around to fire his AK at the enemy pigs. I ran, turning around with streaming eyes and firing wildly up at the sky. My boots thudded across the hard ground. I was nearly at the bushes.
“Keep running, David,” I screamed, hearing his footsteps behind me.
Suddenly David overtook me and pushed me hard to the side so that I stumbled. I stared up at an approaching gunship. David had stopped to fire up at it and I watched the orange fire burst forward from his AK.
There was a loud “Rat-a-tat-tat,” and the crack of the enemy’s bullets burst down around us numbing my ears. David jumped up in the air; his head and arms were thrown back and a terrible scream came from deep inside him. Dark red blood sprayed from his chest and my body vibrated. I blinked and stared at him. My brother was shot and his blood was flowing out onto the ground making a dark red puddle.
I rubbed my eyes and shook my head as David fell broken back onto the hard ground. I collapsed on my knees. I shook my head. No, it couldn’t be true. David had taken the bullets for me. No! Why had I let him cover for me? Why? I was Lieutenant Hotshot; I should have been the leader, not him.
“David, David. Wake up, wake up, please, my brother, please…” I said as I crawled over sobbing to shake his body.
“Hotshot, get cover.”
It was Mobuto. He was panting and sweating, holding two RPGs in his hands. His eyes were big and white with fear.
“Mobuto, they’ve killed David. They’ve killed my brother.”
“They have killed too many, you stupid boy. Nkunda’s dead and you’ll be too if you don’t take cover. Now Move! Get to those far huts.” He strode over and yanked me by the arm dragging me behind him. I stumbled along. I was numb with shock and horror. I turned to look at our camp. Flaming tongues of fire ate our buildings and huge plumes of blackened smoke bellowed up from every corner. I shook my head in disbelief. Then I ran behind Mobuto with wet eyes.
“Where’s the General?” shouted Mobuto to Bilole, who appeared from the side of one of the burning huts.
“We’ve radioed him, sah. He was at Ngema camp but’s on the way,” panted Bilole, his fat chest heaving up and down and his body wet with sweat.
“If he’s not quick we‘ll be finished. We need RPGs. Shoot you fools. Aim your AKs at the fucking helicopters. Now!” commanded Mobuto as we reached the back row of huts. He fell to his knees and spurted out a hail of bullets at the approaching helicopters.
The anger rose up inside me and I screamed “Fuck you” up at the sky as I too fired up at them. They’d killed my brother and everywhere lay the mangled bodies and blood of our soldiers. They must die! They must die!
Chapter 36
I try and keep my eyes open so that I can’t see the battle blood which still comes back to my dreams, until they fall closed by themselves. I fall into a light sleep and toss and turn from the blood dreams until the pink morning sun has just peeped out from behind the hills.
I get up and creep out into the cool morning air. I breathe deep from its peace, walk far into the veld, and sit alone in its tall
yellow grass in thick silence for a long time. I close my eyes and when I wake the sun is hot on my head. I squint up at its bright light. It is already a quarter way across the sky so it must be about nine o’clock and the others will all be up and getting ready for breakfast. I’ve no appetite, and don’t want to see anyone. I just want to sit here alone in the heat and wish it would burn me all up and take away my nightmares.
I stare out at the brown humped hills with their clumps of acacia trees in the distance. I can’t see the people with no hands at Tula’s mission. They’re real and it’ll make me sick. I don’t want to see anyone now, not even Tula. I’m empty inside. She’s made me look inside my soul and made me worse.
I feel someone behind me and turn around. I’m about to swear when I see it’s Mama Zuma. She’s come through the thick grass like a leopard and I didn’t even feel it move. Good thing she’s not a soldier or I would be dead meat.
“May I sit?” she asks, looking at me with wise eyes.
I shrug with a tight throat. She takes my silence for a yes and settles her big round body next to me. She looks right in my eyes and smiles.
“You are in the valley now, Modetse, but one day you’ll come out on the mountain.”
I say nothing. Inside I don’t think that’s possible. How can I climb the mountain when I don’t know how?
“You must learn to forgive and love yourself again.”
“I’ve been too evil,” I say, and put my head down on my bent knees and cover my head with my hands. Hot tears prick behind my eyes and I fight them back down.
“Everyone deserves a second chance, Modetse. You must forgive yourself. God has forgiven you already. Don’t you remember what Dr. Zuma said in the church?”
I turn and look at her. Her wise eyes smile back at me like they’re certain. I can see she really believes that this Jesus and his blood is true.
She puts her arms around me and squeezes me. The hug makes a sob rise up from deep inside me and I shudder against her.
