by Julia North
“You want more porridge, Thandi?”
Thandi shakes her head and then gets up to take her bowl to the sink.
“It’s okay. Tula will wash up says Mama Zuma.
Tula pulls a face, but Mama Zuma frowns at her.
“Let’s go then,” I say, putting my arm around Thandi’s shoulders. We walk in silence towards the forest. “It is like the big green cave,” I say with a smile as we push the palm fronds aside and go deep inside it. The air is rich and sweet. “Look there’s wild honeysuckle Thandi. You can eat if you want.”
“It is pretty,” says Thandi, bending down and trying to pick the orange flower with her plastic hand. I quickly kneel down and pick three for her. “Here taste,” I say.
She puts out her pink tongue and then chews on it. “It’s sweet,” she says. “Like the sugar.”
“It is sugar for the bees,” I say, and laugh. “Come I will take you to the river now. Maybe we can paddle our feet.”
“Okay,” says Thandi. She lets me guide her from the forest and soon we hear the sound of the water and smell its foaming water. I put my arm around Thandi as she walks next to me. I cannot bring myself to hold that cold hand. The sun is even hotter now but a cool breeze has come which dries the sweat on my arms.
Soon our feet touch the soft river sand. “The river’s full today from the rain,” I say as we come near the coffee-brown rushing water. “It’s too dangerous to swim today but we can sit here and watch if you want?”
“It makes me think of the river in Kampala,” says Thandi.
I nod. “Yes it’s got that nice water smell but at least no stinky fish or rubbish like Kampala.”
She goes quiet and stares out across the brown moving water at the hills like the camel humps in the distance.
I stare out with her at them. “Please, God; help me to talk to her. Please don’t let her hate me when she learns that I cut hands off,” I pray in my head.
We sit with only the river sound around us, but then Thandi turns and looks at me with slit eyes. “Did they treat you bad?” she says. “Were they like the jackal thief?”
I swallow and give a nod. “They were bad men. They stole my mind like the jackal stole the butter.”
“Did they make you bad?”
“Yes,” I mumble, drawing my knees up in front of me and hugging them with my arms. I look down and whisper, “I did many bad things. I’ve had to ask God to forgive me my past.”
Thandi says nothing and my heart jumps.
“I’m sorry, Thandi,” I whisper. “I’m so sorry. I’ve told God I’m sorry.”
Thandi shrugs and the air grows thick between us. Then she asks in a small voice, “Did you take the hands of people? Was that why the man was shouting at you?”
I drop my head down on my knees.
When I look up she is staring hard at me and biting her lip.
“Auntie Goko was like Mama Zuma,” she says after a while. “I would lie often with her fat body and she would look after me and tell me God will help us. The soldiers cut off her hands and then she died.”
Ants gnaw at my stomach. “I didn’t know, Thandi. I’m so sorry.”
“We were just getting the sticks for the fire –then the devil soldiers come from the bush. One runs after us while we’re getting the sticks and…” Her voice breaks and the tears fall from her eyes.
Shame like an elephant sits on me and I can’t talk. I can’t read what she thinks in her eyes. Is she thinking I too am a devil? Does she hate me?
“I see that soldier in my dreams,” whispers Thandi. “Always he comes with his big head and his machete. He grabs my legs and pulls me down and then chops and chops, and the blood it runs from my heart and from Auntie Goko. Then the hospital people came to help at the village. They stopped the blood from my arms but Auntie Goko‘s spirit was already gone. They told me I was very lucky.”
She wipes the tears from her cheeks with the top of her arm.
“I’m sorry, Thandi. It was very lucky that they found you. I thank God for that, Thandi. I do.” I try and shut out the pictures of broken hands which jump in front of my eyes.
“Why did the soldiers cut the hands, Modetse? Why?”
Her eyes are fierce now and I turn away.
“I am sorry, Thandi. The L.R.A. told us the government soldiers were evil. They were the enemy pigs who were killing our family. They showed us many pictures with the government killing the people. I saw them killing the girls like you, Thandi. They said the villagers must lose their hands because they were helping the government. I did not think they were your friends. I did not know of people like Auntie Goko.”
Thandi looks at me in silence.
“They killed my friend David. They shot him from the helicopter until his blood sprayed all over the camp. He was a good one, Thandi. He was my friend and they killed him. The government soldiers they killed many boys that day. They also did bad things, Thandi.”
Thandi turns away and looks down at the sand. She makes circles in the soft sand with her plastic fingers as I try and defend myself but she says nothing. The silence grows heavy between us. I bite my bottom lip. She is too young and has seen too much. She will not be able to understand my side.
“What village did you stay at?” I ask through the heavy silence.
“Nigiri,” says Thandi, and draws more circles.
The name echoes in my head. I’ve heard that name before…Nigiri. Where is Nigiri village? Then I hear again Mobuto‘s voice. He was sending me to Nigiri…is this the same one? I stiffen and stare hard at Thandi.
“Was it Nigiri village in Koboga region?” I say, and my voice breaks.
Thandi keeps drawing her circles and nods.
The air closes in on me. It is the same Nigiri…please let the time not be right. I frown and try and count back in my head…how many months have I been with Dr. Zuma…when was Nigiri…how long before the attack did we go there…how long? I stare at Thandi‘s hands as I try and count the months.
“Have you had the plastic hands long Thandi?” I say, and my voice breaks.
Thandi shrugs and mumbles, “I think it is maybe eight months. I don’t know. It’s not so long. My stumps they can still hurt.” Her mouth grows tight and she draws harder in the sand with the stick.
My head is spinning and bitterness has risen into my mouth. The fat woman…the sticks…the soldier with a big head…the words run through my head like a witchdoctor’s curse and the pictures come to life. I see the fat woman coming out the hut with the young girl behind her…them bending over getting the sticks…me giving orders…
I retch and scream inside my mind, “Aiee, please, God, no…Please let it not be true,” but Thandi’s words ringing in my head tell me it is. I see Shithead…he is running fast after the girl…I am shouting at him to do it…he is grabbing her legs…his machete is coming down…cutting deep into her hands…they are jumping off…her blood is running into the red ground…” Oh God…help me, Jesus,” I groan and hold my head in my hands. What have I done? Thandi is right. We were devils with no good in us. I feel her eyes staring into me and I look up with fear eyes.
“Do you know Nigiri?” she asks with narrow eyes.
I swallow and say nothing but she keeps staring at me. My heart is a drum in my ears and my breath grows loud.
“What’s wrong, Modetse? Tell me. What’s wrong?”
Her face is cross and she is still staring hard at me. I look away and keep my head down. “I’m sorry, Thandi. Yes, I know Nigiri.”
“Did you know the soldiers?”
I nod.
“Did you go with them?” says Thandi. Her voice is angry and I feel her eyes fierce on me. “Tell me, Modetse.”
I lift my head and look at her but I cannot speak.
“Tell me,” demands Thandi.
“They were my soldiers,” I whisper. “I’m sorry, Thandi. I’m sorry.”
Thandi‘s head jerks back like she has been slapped. Her eyes grow wide and fierce
. Her mouth drops. She sits stuck looking deep at me with those hate eyes. The air around me grows thick. This is the end. She can never have me for a brother again. Now she looks deep into my spirit and sees the evil that was there. Every time she looks at her dead hands she will hate me. She will see me for the robber who has taken from her the gift of work.
“I’m sorry, Thandi. Please go inside. Go and see Mama Zuma and Tula. They will help you. Dr. Zuma will see that you go to the school and are all right. I’m sorry, Thandi. Please go. Go now. I must be alone. Stay well with God, Thandi. Stay well.”
Thandi does not move. She looks like a nyala frozen in the lights. Her mouth is closed now but in her eyes I see great pain questions. Then she pushes herself up and runs back up to the huts.
I sit still like the stone. I am finished. I have lost her again. She will never want me now. It will be better for her if I am dead. She will not want to look at me and remember her pain. I was a fool to think that I would not pay for my evil. I must die to pay for it. Yes, I must die so she can mourn her brother and move on. That way she will cry for a brother she has lost and time will heal her hurt. She will not have to live with one she hates.
I get up before the fear can stop me and run back down to the river. I will take stones from the side and drown myself in its strong water. I will dive down with my stones and stay under until the breath is gone from my lungs. There is no other way to help her.
I reach the edge of the riverbank and look around with fierce eyes for stones. I need big stones: hard and sharp and grey. The stones here are small and smooth. I turn back to the forest and push away the leaves and monkey vines until I find some jagged pieces of granite by a small rock face. Some of the middle stones are a little loose. I dig away, panting until the way is clear to lift one of them. My knees bend as I stagger with it back to the river. I take off my shirt and tear it in two with my teeth. I tie the broken pieces together to make a rope and then loop it tight around the granite leaving some free that I will tie around my arm so the stone can drag me down under the water. The river is deep and fast flowing. It should take me quickly.
I test the loop around the stone. It’s holding well. I put it down and make another loop and pull it tight around my wrist. I pick up the stone and walk like a slow frog to the rushing water. Its coldness closes over my feet and I shudder. It will not be long now. I will be gone and then Thandi will learn to live again. Mama Zuma will help her. She is wise. She will know what to do. I walk deeper into the brown water and feel it hard tug at my legs. It wants to pull me in. I stop and check that the loop around the rock is still tight. I must not let the strong water push it away. The cloth bites hard into the sharp edges. Good, it should hold but even if it comes off I will hold hard to the stone until it drags me down. I go deeper into the water. The soft mud sucks at my feet like the big fish. The water climbs up to my waist and holds me tight. I sway against the strong pull of the river. Two more steps and it will take me. I close my eyes and pull my foot from the sucking mud as the stone burns heavy in my arms. My ears fill with the roar of the rushing water. “Forgive me, Thandi,” I whisper to the empty sky.
“No, Modetse, please, no.”
Her cry breaks through the water noise. I stop and open my eyes. The river rushes around me with strong brown waves and I try and turn and look back up the bank but the current tugs hard at my legs. Then I see Thandi. She is running with big steps over the wet sand towards me. I try and pull my foot from the mud and stagger sideways against the strong brown water.
“Modetse, wait,” she shouts. Her arms and their plastic hands are stretched out in front. I stare with my open mouth as she splashes into the brown water. It goes quick by her waist as she comes for me. The strong current begins to pull her downstream. She falls to the side and nearly goes under the water.
“Modetse…” she calls as the fierce water bubbles around her head.
I tear at the loop around my arm with fierce teeth as the water rushes around me. What have I done? Thandi is going to drown in this river. She cannot swim. I scream through my teeth and then I hear the cloth rip. I drop the heavy stone and splash with fierce arms through the thundering water towards her. The water is nearly covering her now. She is standing with her head back on the top of the water and her plastic arms reached out to the sky. Her eyes are filled with great fear.
“Help me, Modetse…help me!”
“I am coming, Thandi. It’s okay. I am coming,” I shout as I fight the water with mad arms and legs towards her. Now her head is going under. Aiee, the river will take her. No…please Jesus, no…I dive forward and feel my hands touch the top of her arm. I push her up so that her head comes out of the water. She opens her mouth and eats from the air like a fish. I grab her around the waist with my other arm and pull her towards me. She drinks more air and coughs. I hold her tight and she clings to me with her plastic hands.
“Thandi, why did you come in this water? You should not have done that. I’m so sorry, Thandi. I’m so sorry.”
“You must not leave me again,” sobs Thandi as the river rushes hard around us.
“We must get out before the river pulls us under, Thandi. Don’t worry. I will hold you tight. I will never let you go.”
I put both my arms hard around her and push against the strong river so she is in front of me. I pull each foot forward from the soft sucking mud and push against the fighting river with a grunt. The current still pulls at us like a crocodile, wanting to draw us down, down, deeper until we are no more but I will not let it. I grit my teeth and move through the sucking mud, keeping Thandi tight in front. If I can just take a few more steps we will be safe; if I can just get us to the shallow water. I narrow my eyes and clench my teeth as I pull my foot forward again and stagger. Thandi whimpers.
“It’s okay, Thandi. It’s okay. I’ve got you.”
I lean forward and fight against the river as I take another step and then another. The mud lets me go and I give one final push against the fierce current.
“Put down your feet, Thandi. It is not so deep now.”
Thandi obeys and pushes her feet into the soft river mud. She pushes through the water towards the bank. Soon we are in the shallow edges. I put my hand on her back and help her out onto the muddy bank as the river rushes on behind us. We sit panting in the soft sand with sore chests. Thandi drops her head on my shoulder. I feel the cold plastic of her hands against my flesh as she puts her arms around me and shiver.
I put my arms tight around her. She shudders, smiles, and closes her eyes. I look down at the top of her head and rest my chin on it. Thanks to God that she still wants me more than hate. I must go forward and be her hands. I look out at the camel hills. They are like the hills of my life. I was fallen in the dark valley but now I am coming out on the mountain. I am a lucky one. I have survived. Mungu ni pamoja na mimi. God is with me!
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