by Sandy James
I’d been wrong. Even worse, I’d been lying to myself from the moment I’d received that damned invitation. I was here for one reason and one reason only—to show Craig Austin he hadn’t destroyed me.
“Maddie? Angel?” Scott stroked my cheek, and I suddenly realized I’d dragged him into this middle of this mess for the most selfish reason in the world—to rescue my pride, which had been shattered so very long ago. This relationship he wanted to establish, that I wanted to establish, had begun on a lie. I regretted that more than anything else.
He was everything I’d ever searched for, everything I ever wanted and everything I could ever need. I did want him by my side at this reunion, but not for the reason I’d hired him. I didn’t give a fat flying squirrel anymore whether he looked like a badass biker and made all the women jealous of what I had and they didn’t. What I wanted was for him to hold my hand and let me know that I mattered to someone. That I mattered to him.
I’d given Scott my heart. And if I told him the truth about my past, I was terrified I’d lose him, that he’d think I was some kind of weakling.
“Maddie?” The concern in his voice finally cut through my stupor.
“I’m…okay. At least I think I’ll be okay.”
“Sick to your stomach?”
“Yeah, but the air’s helping.”
“If it wasn’t the Cheetos, what set it off?”
Gazing up into Scott’s concerned eyes, I decided honesty would be the only thing I could give him to make up for this fiasco and hopefully salvage what there was between us. “Some guy.”
“I figured. Mr. Macho who walked in with the botoxed peroxide-blonde, right?”
I was evidently just as transparent as I’d ever been. “Yeah, that was him.”
Scott released a ragged sigh, a bit telling that this bothered him. Jealousy? I wanted to hope so. “He’s why you hired me, right?”
I nodded and tugged on my lower lip with my teeth.
“Old boyfriend?”
“Hardly.”
“One-night stand?”
Honesty, Maddie. Honesty. “More like date rape.”
He blinked a couple of times, as if processing my words. Long seconds passed before he finally spoke. “Tell me.” His words were clipped, harsh and full of barely restrained fury.
For the first time in my life, I actually wanted to talk about it. I wanted Scott to know I hadn’t been some slut back in high school who fell into bed with any handsome face. Far from it. Yet the humiliation—and a bit of lingering fear—were hard to reveal. Craig couldn’t hurt me now. Not physically. But psychologically?
“His name’s Craig Austin. Quarterback of the football team. Star of the basketball team. Dated Terri a couple of months, and I followed them around like a damn puppy. I had a horrible crush on him when I was a junior in high school. My first real crush. God, I was so stupid.”
Scott dragged me over to a bench, pushed my shoulders to get me to sit, and then plopped down next to me. His strong arm wrapped around my shoulders. I leaned against him, closed my eyes for a moment and simply enjoyed his comfort.
“And…?” he finally prompted.
“Terri came home one night, called him several foul names and said she’d given him his walking papers. That made me sad because I didn’t think I’d see him again except at school. Then I went to this party…”
I took a deep, shuddering breath as the memories whirled around me again. The ghosts mocked and teased and told me it was my fault, casting the same blame I’d always thrown at myself all those years ago. Now that I was an adult, I knew better. It hadn’t been my fault.
I took another breath and told the ghosts to shut the hell up. “He gave me a wine cooler. I’d never drank before, but it tasted nice, and I was nervous. So I had another. And another. And…” I bit my bottom lip again, wishing I’d done things differently, that I’d had more self-control with my first taste of alcohol. “I lost track.”
“You were a kid, Maddie.”
“That’s not an excuse.”
“Sure it is. Every kid gets a first time drinking and underestimates what it does.”
“Craig told me I was beautiful and that he’d broken up with Terri because he liked me better. I thought I was fat, homely and awkward, so hearing that from a guy I liked so much…”
Scott held me against him. “You are beautiful.”
“You need glasses.”
“Stop it. Learn to take a compliment.”
“Yeah, well…Craig’s compliments got me in a helluva lot of trouble.”
“Tell me the rest.”
“He told me he wanted us to be alone, that all he wanted to do was kiss so we could get to know each other better now that Terri wasn’t in the way. He took me upstairs to one of the bedrooms. We kissed for a while, but then he started to paw at my clothes. I told him to stop, but he was so strong. He told me I’d led him on and that I needed to follow through—that I was nothing but a cock tease. I tried to fight back, especially when he jerked my skirt off, but there was so much noise from the music and the people. I tried to scream, but he put his hand over my mouth. And then…”
Scott released a shuddering sigh and nodded. That took me by surprise. I’d always figured I should have fought harder, that I should have done more to stop him, but I had fought. I’d left fingernail marks down his arms and his cheek. I’d been so drunk and so frightened, and he’d slapped me over and over until my ears rang and I saw stars. I’d always blamed myself, but Scott clearly didn’t. I thanked God for his acceptance.
“Did you call the police?” he asked.
“Craig told me no one would believe me, that everyone had seen me drinking. He said my parents would hate me if I told them. He said Terri would hate me. He said it was all my fault.”
“And you believed him?”
“Of course I believed him! Who’d listen to a nobody like me? Everyone knew I had a crush on the guy. Besides, Craig was really popular. His family owns some local car dealerships, they do all sorts of church work, and everyone in Pottsville thinks they’re wonderful.”
“What does that have to do with this?”
“It’s another reason I never told anyone. No one would’ve believed me, especially when it was my word against his.”
He turned to throw me a frown. “You didn’t even tell your parents?”
I shook my head.
“Did you tell anyone?”
“Terri. I told Terri, but only because she was there when I got home and saw how upset I was and that I had scratches all over me. My nose was bleeding. She helped me take a shower, doctored my wounds and held me until I stopped crying. She said that she broke up with him because he’d tried the same thing with her. But she hadn’t been drunk, so she’d been able to fight him off. Craig never told anyone it was Terri who gave him the black eye and racked him so hard he’d barely been able to walk. He claimed it had been a rough football game.
“Terri inflicted plenty of pain and prevented Craig from hurting her, which always made me believe I should’ve tried harder. That I should’ve…”
“Stop blaming yourself, Maddie.”
All I could do was shrug, which I seemed to be doing a lot of during this conversation. The woman in me knew where the blame should go; the girl in me would probably always blame herself.
“Did you get any counseling?”
“Where? Pottsville isn’t exactly overflowing with crisis centers. I just…dealt.” The aftermath hadn’t ended immediately, either. It had dragged on for much longer than I was willing to share with Scott at the moment.
Maybe someday…
Long silent moments passed before Scott finally spoke. “Holy shit.” His hands clenched into fists. “Holy shit.” He turned back to stare at the Moose Lodge. “Want me to put my fists through his face? ’Cause I’d really like to.”
I loved the macho response. It felt comforting. “Nah. Not worth it. He probably doesn’t even remember me.” Although I would never
forget Craig. There was more to the tale, but tonight had already seen enough revelations. My ghosts needed a rest for now. “It was so many years ago.”
Scott set his mouth into a thin, irritated line. “Want to head to the hotel?”
I shook my head. “I’m not letting him drive me away. I want to visit with my sister, and there are other people I’d really like to see.”
It was hard to believe how relieved I felt just being honest with him. Terri knew the truth, but I wasn’t sure anyone else did. Kids might have talked at the time, and I’d heard a whisper or two that he bragged about all the girls he’d “bagged,” including me. Thank God, no one had ever worked up the courage to say anything to my face.
What could I have said if they asked if I slept with him? Yes, but I sure as hell didn’t want to. Who would have ever believed naïve little Maddie Sawyer hadn’t wanted to screw the guy most people thought was the best thing to ever happen to Pottsville? Rape? No one would buy it. Until he’d blown out his knee his junior year of college, he’d been expected to make an NFL team. Craig should have been a pro football player. He should have been famous.
He shouldn’t have had to force girls to have sex with him.
Enough. I was done with the trip down memory lane. I wanted him out of my head, and I wanted Scott in. Taking Scott’s hand, I gently pried open his fingers, kissed his palm and led him back toward the Moose Lodge.
* * *
We checked into the Wishing Well Motel a little after midnight.
It wasn’t bad by Pottsville standards, but by the rest of the civilized world…a two-star at best. The décor was harvest gold and avocado, probably dating back to the disco era. But it was clean, had a big bed, a spotless bathroom, and it was quiet.
Scott tossed his duffle on one of the two chairs, kicked off his shoes and yanked off his socks.
I followed his lead, taking off my shoes and socks. I wanted to rewind my life by about twenty-four hours and find myself getting ready to crawl into my own bed. I’d blow off the reunion, drag Scott between the sheets and let the rest of the world simply pass by.
He took my bag and tossed it next to his.
At long last, the moment had come. I’d always figured Scott and I would sleep together for the first time at the reunion. We’d been building up to it for the entire time we’d been together. For some reason, that bothered me now. Maybe I had devolved back into an adolescent, but the whole situation reminded me of a stereotypical prom night. You slept with your boyfriend because that was what was supposed to happen.
I hadn’t even had time to change into the red negligee I’d dragged along, and I sure didn’t think the hoodie was a turn-on.
Scott crooked his finger at me, and with a frown, I shuffled over to him. Instead of taking me into his arms, he yawned—not a real yawn but one of those overexaggerated open-mouth yawns. “God, I’m tired. Why don’t we call it a night?”
I glanced at the bed then back at him.
“You mind sharing?” he asked with a crooked grin. “They only had queens.”
The question slipped out before I could stop it. “You mean just sleep, not have sex? I thought—”
“Oh, we’ll have sex. Just not the way you think. Tonight’s for you.” He leaned in and kissed me, silencing any question I might have asked. When he pulled away, he grabbed the bedspread and yanked it to the foot of the bed. Then he jerked back the blanket and sheet.
The man actually swept me into his arms, and had my mouth not been otherwise occupied, I would have made some sarcastic comment about him needing to put me down because I weighed too much. His kiss helped me stop thinking about anything other than how good it felt to be in his arms. He made me feel as if I weighed less than a feather, and I loved being cradled against his strong chest. He always smelled wonderful, and I pressed my lips against the pulse point on his neck, loving the way he growled his approval. Scott laid me on the bed.
He practically jumped on me, laughing when I let out a frightened squeal. He’d protected me by holding most of his weight on his elbows. His hands framed my face as he ravaged my mouth, his tongue so wild, I could barely keep up. But it was a challenge I would meet. It didn’t take long until he had my blood running hot, and I no longer cared if this was Prom Night plus fifteen years.
A knot of need formed in my middle, spreading through me and making me groan. I wanted to ask what he meant about having sex but not having sex when he started to kiss his way across my face and down my neck.
Nimble fingers went to work on my shirt, and faster than I thought possible, Scott had the hoodie off and dropped it to the floor. I didn’t even have time to fret over how much light the lamp put off before he made short order of the white lace bra. With a hum of what I hoped was appreciation, he watched me long enough for me to grow self-conscious. About to raise my hands to cover my breasts, I could only gasp when he suddenly swooped in to tug a nipple into his mouth.
The man drove me crazy with suction and his velvet tongue. First one breast and then the other. I ran my fingers through his hair and kept him cradled against me, loving how each kiss and caress made my core throb in anticipation. His hands slipped between us and unbuttoned my jeans.
Somewhere in my swirling mind, I was able to form some words. “I thought we weren’t having sex.”
“Depends on your definition,” Scott peeled my jeans off my hips and down my legs. “God, you’re beautiful.”
My face flushed hot, and I swallowed a sarcastic retort. I didn’t want to spoil things with some cynical comment, but I honestly didn’t believe him. At least he’d said those sweet words, and if my silence kept him from stopping what he was doing, then I’d bite my tongue until it bled.
I fisted my hands in his shirt and tried to pull it over his head. He backed farther down my body and chuckled. “Nope. It’s your turn not mine.”
“What?”
“Hush, angel. Let me play. You need to learn to let go and let someone else take care of you for once. If you give control to me, I won’t disappoint you.”
What was that supposed to mean? I was about to argue that I wasn’t a control freak, which I was, when Scott yanked my pink panties down. He had them off before I could even try to stop him.
I’d never felt so vulnerable, lying there naked when he was fully clothed. My hands were everywhere, trying to cover everything they could.
“Stop.” He grabbed my hands and pinned them to the sheets. “I just want to look at you.”
“I…I can’t do this. I’m…naked.”
“Why does that bother you?”
“Just look at me!”
His intense gaze raked my body, making my face flush even warmer. “I am looking. And I like every single thing I see.”
Before I could sputter out anything else, Scott whipped his shirt over his head. “Better?”
Hell, yes. The man was a work of art. All muscle and tanned skin, his chest bordered on perfection. A patch of dark hair covered his pecs, tapering to a line that disappeared below his waistband. My mouth went dry. I wanted to kiss that gorgeous Celtic band around his biceps. I wanted to rip the rest of his clothes off. I wanted to touch him so desperately, I actually sighed. “What about the pants?”
He laughed and obliged me. The man wore the sexiest blue underwear I’d ever seen. Not quite boxers but tight, giving me a great outline of his assets. The erection was perfect. Full and big and begging for me to touch it. I tried to sit up and reach for him.
Scott evaded me, jumping to the side of the bed. Then he slipped behind me. Leaning against the headboard, he settled me between his spread legs and pulled my back to his chest. His erection rested against the small of my back.
I tried to twist around to face him. He wouldn’t let me. “Trust me. Please.”
Trust. Probably the hardest thing for me to offer anyone, especially a man. After Craig raped me, I’d avoided getting involved with men for quite a while. It had taken me years to even consider intimacy. There’d
been a few boyfriends, a short list of men who I’d never really allowed myself to open up to emotionally, which was probably why every one of those relationships had failed. Vulnerability was simply too terrifying. Sex became a physical function rather than a sharing of feelings, and I seldom climaxed.
I sure didn’t feel that way with Scott.
At that moment, he made me feel cherished. Almost loved. His hands caressed my arms before he pushed them against my sides. Warm fingers gently separated my thighs before one of his hands slipped between them to intimately stroke me.
I gasped and grabbed for his hand. “But you said it was selfish for only one of us—”
He pulled away from my grasp before gently putting my hands back against my sides. “This is different. You need this tonight.”
“Scott, you don’t have to—”
“Shut up, Maddie, and just let it happen.”
For the first time in my life, I surrendered control. I let him have his way. The man had talented fingers, and after only a few moments, any protest I might have offered vanished. I drew my knees up until my feet rested against the blanket. Hell, he had me so wound up, I was pushing back against him, shamelessly riding his fingers as they moved in and out, in and out. Around and around. He had me so close to the edge, I was suddenly afraid.
This wasn’t how things worked. He was supposed to get me excited, then roll me over and pound into me a few times until he came and I didn’t. That was pretty much the way most of my sex life had evolved. Scott sure didn’t seem in a hurry to stop what he was doing, and that frightened me.
“Scott, I can’t… Shouldn’t we… Oh, God.” My head lolled back against his shoulder.
“Hush, angel. Let me do this for you.”
“I can’t.”
“You can,” he whispered in a husky voice against my ear before his tongue traced the shape. “Give it to me, Maddie.”
I closed my eyes and let it happen, coming in a blaze of heat and the sound of my heart pounding in my ears. Scott didn’t let up, wringing every last spasm from my body until I sagged back against him like a rag doll.
