by Sandy James
“You mean the one you told me about, the one for me?” His art supplies hadn’t been destroyed in the break in, and I’d been happy for him. Knowing Eli wanted to create something merely to please me made my heart swell.
“Yeah. But…” A frown darkened his features, and he wouldn’t look me in the eye anymore. “Now I’m not so sure it’s a good idea.”
I sat down next to him without being invited. “Why not?”
“‘Cause…I kinda…went through your stuff.”
“Excuse me?” Afraid I was going to drop my glass, I set it on the coffee table.
“I found some old stories you wrote and—”
“Eli! You rifled through my closet?”
He nibbled on his lower lip when he nodded, but he was brave enough to glance back at my face. “When I first got here.”
“Why?”
Red tinted his cheeks. “You’re my mom. I was…curious. I mean, I didn’t know anything about you. I wanted to see what kind of clothes you liked, which sports jerseys you wore. I wanted to get to know you. And there was this pile of old notebooks…so…”
“Oh, God. You didn’t.” Whenever I had free time, which wasn’t very often, and I wanted to exercise my muse and get her away from romance, I wrote science fiction. Never wanting to commit them to laptop because that might make them work instead of fun, I wrote longhand in spiral notebooks. No one was ever supposed to know about those stories. “Those are just nonsense.”
“Not nonsense at all. Look.” Dropping his hand, Eli grinned at me with such joy, he stole my breath away. “They’re fantastic stories. You do a damn good job at world building. This one’s my favorite, so I worked on it first.”
I had to tear my gaze away from my son to focus on his drawings, and it took a few long moments to register that he was actually turning one of my old stories into a graphic novel. “Oh, Eli…”
I was almost afraid to touch the sketchpad, not wanting the tears in my eyes to drop onto his drawing and ruin it. There before me, a story I figured no one would ever know about roared to life. Frame after frame, Eli captured each character perfectly. The kid had talent—probably more talent than his biological mother.
“Well? What do you think?” His voice shook, and I understood why. Authors put their heart and soul on the page, waiting for someone to tell them whether their babies were ugly. Evidently, artists had the same worries.
“Oh, honey. They’re wonderful. I can’t believe how well you got my characters.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
While I sipped at my vodka and OJ, Eli showed me the rest of the drawings he’d made for my story. While we talked, we came up with a better title and hashed out several directions the rest of the story could travel. Shit, we had a whole series planned before we were done.
An hour later, I finally crawled back into bed, feeling for the first time like I had a real connection with my son.
Chapter Twenty
“Told you it wasn’t so bad,” Eli said when the wheels touched the tarmac, making the plane jerk and forcing me to let out a frightened squeal and grab his forearm. If I hadn’t bitten down most of my fingernails, they’d be digging into his skin.
Not so bad? Two and a half hours of sheer hell. The poor kid had been holding my hand for the last thirty minutes. Turbulence had made the plane bounce around so much, the Fasten Seatbelt light had been on the whole damn trip. It took all my self-control to relax the death grip I held on Eli’s arm. “I need a Xanax.”
“Trust me, using drugs won’t help.” My smartass son actually winked at me when I threw him an incredulous frown.
Had we finally come to understand each other? Perhaps Eli’s little New York odyssey hadn’t been all bad. But it had come to an end, and now I had to face giving him up all over again.
No. This time I wasn’t giving him up. I was returning him to his home, to his mother, but Eli would always be a part of my life now. Stephanie and I had talked, and she understood the bond between my son and me. She promised he could come visit again, and she kindly offered to let me stay in their home if I ever came to Pottsville. Perhaps she knew I now had a good reason to go back to my hometown more often.
And we had our graphic novel. Hell, we’d planned out a whole series, so I wasn’t going to lose him. Never again.
“C’mon.” He unlatched his seatbelt when the plane pulled up to the gate and rolled to a stop. “Let’s get off this thing and get some real food. I’m dying for a cheeseburger. Doesn’t the airport have a MickeyD’s?”
Both of his legs were obviously hollow. He ended up eating two double cheeseburgers plus a heaping order of fries and an impossibly large Coke. All teenagers had appetites that just wouldn’t quit, ate like they were ravenous, and never gained a flippin’ pound. I, on the other hand, had a salad with no dressing, and it probably went straight to my thighs because I hadn’t been to Pilates class since I got back from the reunion. Besides, my stomach and I were disagreeing as I worried about where we’d be heading from the airport.
The day after the reunion, Terri had bravely taken on the duty of explaining the bare bones story of Eli finding me to my parents. She’d reported back to me that Mom hadn’t taken it well, locking herself in her room and crying for a whole afternoon. Daddy had disappeared into his garage and overhauled the engine in his car—his version of an emotional breakdown.
The guilt would always be with me, knowing I’d hurt them both so much. But I still thought I’d made the right choice in giving Eli to the Robertsons. Had I told my parents about the pregnancy, they would have insisted I keep my son. At the time, I couldn’t even allow that choice to take root. It would have hurt too much to hold on to that kind of hope.
No, I’d done what was best. For Eli. For me. For everyone.
Hard to wrap my mind around the fact they now knew I’d had a son the summer between my junior and senior year, that my weight loss hadn’t been from the crappy food and primitive living conditions at writing camp. During the month I was supposed to be there, I’d in fact been at a Catholic home for unwed mothers in Indianapolis. A counselor there had matched me with the Robertsons and helped us all deal with all the legal and financial ramifications of the adoption.
There was no way I’d ever tell Mom and Daddy how Eli had been conceived. Better to have them think their daughter had been careless than to put them through the horror of hearing about her date rape after all that time had passed.
Eli would never know the entire truth about his conception, either. Of that, I was certain. Terri agreed.
The rented Taurus smelled like cigarette smoke, and for a moment I craved a Camel. Smoking was a habit I’d developed when I first moved to New York because I figured it made me feel grownup, but I’d abandoned it after only a year. Too expensive and I got tired of my mouth tasting like I’d been licking an ashtray. Not until I was facing the pressure of presenting my trusting, loving parents with their grandson had I craved nicotine again. Right now, I considered stopping at the local convenience store to pick up a pack. And a lighter. And a bottle of tequila.
I was a terrible role model.
As I pulled up the driveway, I wasn’t at all surprised to see Terri leaning against her SUV. We had a habit of debriefing each other before facing the ’rents. She pushed away from the door and faced me with a frown as I crawled out of the Taurus.
“That bad, huh?” I grabbed my purse and slung it over my shoulder.
“Not good, no. Mom—”
“Mom what?”
Terri looked at Eli then back to me. “Still hasn’t stopped with the crying jags yet. She’s major pissed you didn’t call her back. Whenever she talks about you, she calls you Madalyn Grace.”
“Oh, God. She hates me that much?”
A shake of her head. “Not that, Maddie. She just keeps talking about all the things she missed in Eli’s life.”
My sister might as well have thrust a knife into my heart. Before any tears even forme
d in my eyes, my son was at my side, squeezing my hand.
“Hi, Eli.” Terri stared at our joined hands and then at his face. “Glad to see you again. My parents—your grandparents—are dying to meet you.”
“Hi, Aunt Terri.” Suddenly looking much more mature, Eli glanced up at me. “Ready, Maddie?”
I wasn’t sure I’d ever be ready to face this ordeal, but I owed it to my parents to try to make this right. At least a little more right. “Ready.”
I could hear Mom sniffling before I even got through the kitchen door. Of all the difficult things I’d ever done in my life, this was the worst. And that included twenty-one hours of labor bringing my son into this world. Not only had I lied to my parents, but I’d denied my mother the one thing that now seemed to be the most important thing missing from her life. A grandchild.
When I took a step toward the living room, Eli held me back. “You think they’ll hate me?”
I gave his hand a bolstering squeeze, the same type he’d just given me. “Oh, Eli. No. They’ll love you. Just like I do.”
“After everything I put you through in New York, you can still say that?”
“Of course.” But that didn’t mean I expected him to feel the same way. I’d known him a longer time than he’d known me. From the moment of that first kick, light as the flapping of a bird’s wing, I’d loved this boy. Time and distance had never changed that. Maybe one day I’d be lucky enough for him to love me in return.
After a deep breath, he nodded and let me lead him to my parents.
Mom was sitting on the sofa, clutching a tattered wad of blue Kleenex. Daddy was right beside her. His lips had all but disappeared into a thin, irritated line. Those lips bowed into a frown when he looked over to lock eyes with me.
“Hi, Daddy.” I glanced over to my mother, who was now glaring at me the same way she had the first time I’d put a dent in the cherished family station wagon. “Hi, Mom.”
Neither of my parents returned my greeting. For all it mattered to them at the moment, I might as well not have even been in the same room. Their gazes had shifted to Eli as he sidled up close, pressing against my side. We clenched hands at the same time. “Mom, Dad. This is Eli Robertson. My…son.” The last word could hardly qualify as a whisper.
Seconds ticked by at an interminably slow pace. My parents watched my son as he stared back. Mom finally broke the maddening silence. “You have Madalyn’s eyes.”
“Yeah.” Eli tossed a lopsided smile at his grandmother and flipped his too-long bangs back from his face. “I noticed that right off.”
“Must be like looking in a mirror,” my father added, glancing at me.
I nodded and nibbled on my bottom lip.
“Well, Eli,” Mom said, patting the sofa next to her. “Come here and tell me all about yourself.”
“He’s an artist. And he’s really, really smart. A genius,” I couldn’t help but blurt out. Did all parents feel the need to brag about their children?
We spent the next hour talking about everything Eli could remember about growing up. He even talked about his father without flinching, and all the memories he shared were good ones. When he ran out to the rental car to get the graphic novel he was illustrating, my dad finally spoke to me about the things I knew were killing my parents.
“How could you, Madalyn? How could you hide him from us?”
“I…I was so…embarrassed.”
“You’re not the first girl to ever get pregnant before she married,” he countered, giving me the look that always made my insides tighten because he was disappointed in me. “We would have helped. We would have understood.”
Not rape, you wouldn’t. “I just…couldn’t.”
“You could’ve kept him,” Mom said, sniffing back tears again. “We could’ve helped. We could’ve… Oh, Madalyn Grace…”
I couldn’t let her finish. Especially since she was saying all the things I’d said to myself more times than I could count. “No, Mom. It was better this way. Yes, I missed a lot in his life, but he had two parents who wanted him desperately. It was a better life than I could have given him. I was seventeen. I didn’t even know who I was, let alone how to be a mom. And I never could’ve gone to New York. I probably wouldn’t have been a writer.”
Mom’s accusing eyes hurt. A lot. “A mother puts her children before herself. You and Terri always came before my own selfish desires.”
Daddy interrupted before the angry words trying to tumble out of my mouth came to be. “And the ref takes away a point for hitting below the belt.”
Mom swatted his arm, but the rebuke worked. She stopped staring at me as though I was the enemy. “He seems like a nice boy.”
“He is.”
“Will we be able to see him again?” my father asked.
My heart was near to breaking. “Of course! He already asked if he can spend the weekend sometime. His mother homeschools him, and he figures he could interview you two as part of learning about genealogy.” The slamming of the backdoor shut us all up.
After Eli shared his drawings with his newfound grandparents, hugs were exchanged. It took almost five minutes to get my mother to let us leave, but Stephanie was anxious to see Eli. As anxious as I’d be once I returned to New York and anticipated a visit from my son.
Outside, Terri grabbed my arm before I could get into the Taurus. With surprising strength, she dragged me several yards away while Eli crawled into the car. “Craig’s looking for you. He’s called just about every damn day. The asshole even came to my house.”
No. No. No. I didn’t need that complication. “What did he say?”
“He evidently missed Eli’s appearance at the reunion, but you know Pottsville…”
“Fastest grapevine in America.”
“He knows he’s Eli’s dad.”
I shook my head. “He thinks, he doesn’t know.” My heart clenched. “Unless you told him.”
My sister’s eyes grew stormy as an Indiana July evening. “As if. I didn’t tell him a damned thing. In fact, I let him know I thought he was out of his tiny, stupid mind.”
“Thank you.”
“You know I’ve got your back. But, Maddie…he’s not giving up that easily.”
“I didn’t figure. Did he leave a number?”
She actually gasped. “You’re going to talk to him?”
“Hell, yes. I’m going to lie like a lawyer—” The rest of the words froze in my throat.
How many times had my family used that phrase before? Lie like a lawyer. Now that I knew Scott was an attorney, things just weren’t as clear cut as they used to be.
Scott. Oh, how I missed Scott. Shit, I wanted him to go with me to see Craig. I wanted him to dress like he had when we’d met back at Trixie’s, back before my life had exploded into a miserable mess. I wanted him to beat the snot out of Craig. I wanted him to take me into his arms and tell me he forgave me for being such a fucking idiot.
While Terri looked at me like I’d spontaneously lost my mind, I fished my cell phone out of my purse. Before I could talk myself out of it, I hit the speed dial.
“Hi, you got Scott Brady. I can’t take your call right now. You know what to do.”
“Um…hi. Scott. It’s…it’s Maddie. I brought Eli back to Pottsville. Look, I need to see… Baby, I wish I could… I’m really…” Shit! “Never mind! Just…just forget I called. Sorry to bother you.” I hung up, feeling tongue-tied, dimwitted, and desperately wishing I could rewind the clock to when I’d been such a bitch after Eli’s hearing. The whole airplane trip, I’d thought about Scott—mostly because I told myself I was going to die when the plane crashed. I kept thinking how stupid I’d been.
I wanted to find a hard wall and bang my head against it until I couldn’t think anymore.
I turned my phone off, knowing that if by some miracle he called back, I couldn’t talk to him. Not now. Not until I figured out the perfect thing to say. Not until I figured out a way to make things right again.
“Give me Craig’s number. I need to get that problem out of the way. Now.”
“What are you gonna do, Maddie?”
“Don’t worry. I know how to handle that asshole.”
* * *
We pulled into Stephanie Robertson’s driveway, and I threw the car into park. “Home sweet home.” God, I said the stupidest things sometimes.
This was probably the last chance Eli and I had to share a little alone time for a while, and the thought of him jumping out of my life as quickly as he jumped in hurt. “You know you can come visit anytime, right?”
A nod in answer, and when I glanced over, I saw how tight my son’s face had become.
“I’m not abandoning you, Eli.”
“I know that!” he snapped. “I just…” He shrugged and turned to look out the window at absolutely nothing.
Silence weighed heavily between us for several minutes that seemed to last an eternity. I couldn’t take it anymore. “I can stay tonight. If…if you’d like.”
“Really?” The joy in that one word filled my heart. My son didn’t hate me. He really didn’t hate me.
“Really. I’ll buy you and your mom dinner, and I can stay with Terri.” Or my parents, but that sure wasn’t my first choice. Putting up with their chastising stares would do nothing but give me a bad case of indigestion. At least with Terri, I could sit and talk about Scott. And maybe she’d come up with some brilliant older sister ideas on how to repair all the damage.
“I’ll bet Mom would let you stay here. We can work on our book.” Eli didn’t even wait for my reply, just grabbed his bag and bounded out of the car.
While it was wonderful to know that Eli wanted to keep me that close, I wasn’t about to impose on Stephanie. I followed my son inside the house.
Stephanie stood just inside the foyer, obviously waiting for me. “Eli’s going to his room. He wants you to come see it. Did you want to stay here tonight?”
“No, thanks. I’m going to my sister’s house.”
