by Gabi Moore
It had stung badly when she shut me down, that night we had kissed, that night I had been so close, so close to what I had dreamt of for years out there, so close I could taste it. It had hurt, but I got over it. Winning back her trust would give me something to do with my wasted life. But this …this video changed everything. Did she actually date that guy? What even happened in that video? Did she …like it?
I found myself near crying again, and shook my head to clear my thoughts. It wouldn’t help now. I was the idiot that had thrown away the good thing when I had it. I was itching to get my phone. To pull up the video and watch it, watch what she was apparently so eager to do with another man, watch just exactly what it was about that bonehead that was better than me.
I looked down into my lap. I was hard. I cursed under my breath. I slammed the bathroom door open, splashed some cold water on my face and looked at my image in the mirror. I would have to ask her about it. There was nothing else to do. It wasn’t her problem that I was a jealous asshole. But I had to know. Up on Mars they drill it into you: communicate. Make no assumptions. Share what you know as soon as possible, clarify misunderstandings, keep going. Assumptions killed missions. Paranoia broke up the very fabric of a team.
I marched out of the bathroom and went back into the bakery, where Emily was now alone at the register.
“Hey, you OK?” she asked. When she saw the look on my face, she stopped what she was doing.
“Felix, you look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
She looked beautiful today. She had done that thing with her hair, where she pulled two little ropes up on either side, close to her head, so that their tales flicked out at the back, like two little tales, or maybe ears. I hated how hard it was to be angry at her.
“Can I talk to you about something?” I said. It was her turn to go pale. “Can we step outside for a second?”
She nodded silently and we walked out to the back together. When she closed the delivery door behind us, she wasn’t smiling. In fact, it was almost as though she had been expecting this all along and was now just wincing, waiting for me to say something.
“What’s wrong?” she said, staring at the ground. This attitude, this weird avoidance, this way she was looking at the ground and cowering …this wasn’t an Emily I recognized.
I didn’t know how to start.
“I bumped into someone this morning, some guy who said he knew you,” I said, testing the waters. Her face tensed up and she stared ahead at nothing, waiting for me to continue.
“He was talking about a video…”
For a split second it looked like she was about to scream, but almost instantly her lip quivered and she kept staring ahead, glassy eyed.
“I know it’s none of my business, and I feel weird even mentioning this to you, but I wanted to …I just wanted to…”
I wanted her to tell me it was all a silly mistake. That no way in hell would she find her way into a nasty porn clip online and that it was just a misunderstanding, and that she was and always had been my sweet, perfect Emily.
“I wanted to know if you were OK, I guess. I know a lot must have happened since I left,” I said meekly. I suddenly realized how pathetic I must have sounded to her.
She shot me a cynical look.
“Am I OK? Am I OK?” Her face went red.
“I just …do you know this guy? Buck somebody. He seemed like a real jerk. He was saying some really awful shit about you.”
I had never seen such intense rage on a person’s face in my life before. But she swallowed it down, looked at the ground and laughed sarcastically.
“Saying shit about me? Tell me something I don’t know. Maybe you haven’t noticed Felix, but this whole town is constantly talking shit about me.”
The tone in her voice broke my heart.
“What happened Emily? Can you please just tell me what happened, when I was away?”
When she flicked up her gaze to mine it was twinkling a little with tears. I just wanted to hug her. But something told me that this wasn’t the time or place for that. Clearly, I didn’t know Emily as well as I thought I did. She looked like she was chewing over the words, figuring out how to say something she couldn’t say.
“Did you make a video with him? Can you just tell me that?” I asked. She was shaking her head now, getting angrier.
“Oh my god, Felix, please don’t bullshit me like that,” she spat.
“What?”
“You and I both know you’ve already seen the fucking video.”
“What? No, I haven’t.”
“Pshht.”
“Emily,” I said and grabbed her shoulders. “Emily, I didn’t watch the video. It didn’t feel right. I wanted to ask you first, I wanted to know what was going on with you.”
She squirmed out of my grasp and started walking off. I blocked her path back into the bakery and tried to catch her eye.
“Em, don’t run away, please.”
She sighed, then looked towards the bakery.
“Can you keep your voice down, Felix? The last thing I need now is to do this at work”
“Em, just talk me.”
“Shhhh!”
“What? Nobody cares, Em,” I yelled, and pulled her aside, into the back storeroom, slamming the door behind us and locking it.
“There, nobody can hear us now,” I said in the semi-darkness. We were surrounded by flour bags and boxes. Emily’s beloved zero-input fermenter sat in the back, its control panel lights blinking dimly. She looked like she was ready to claw my eyes out.
“Hear us what? I don’t have anything to tell you.”
“Can you at least just answer my questions?”
“Felix, it was a long time ago, why stir it all up?”
“Did you make a video? Did you make a video with Buck and he leaked it? Is that what happened? I swear to god I’ll rip his head off, I’ll…”
She eyed me suspiciously.
“You really haven’t seen it?”
“Of course not.”
“Promise me?”
“Em, I promise you. Why would I look at shit like that? But he… what this guy was saying…”
“I don’t believe you,” she blurted.
I rubbed my temples.
“Em, you can’t let people treat you like that. There are lawyers for this kind of thing. How long has this been going on for?”
She shrugged.
“I’m going to help you sort it out,” I said.
A thought flittered around the edge of my consciousness. The thought of her. And him. The thought of them fucking. Just the idea was so exquisitely painful I couldn’t think about it for longer than a moment. I shoved it out of my mind and tried to focus on keeping her here with me, keeping her talking. I had left her, all those years ago, but I wasn’t going to leave her again. Not ever.
“It’s way, way too late for that, Felix. I don’t think you understand. I …I consented. They didn’t do anything wrong.”
“You consented.”
“I consented. I’m a big, fat slut, OK? There, I said it. It wasn’t their fault, it was mine, I was the one who went over there, I was the one who let it all happen, I was the one…”
“Em just slow down for a second.”
“I deserved it. I didn’t stop them. I’m smiling, Felix, I’m fucking smiling.”
“What?”
“In the video. I’m smiling. I’m enjoying myself. It’s plain as day. Do you have any idea how that feels? For the whole world to see… to see how you…”
My mind reeled. I tried to understand what she was telling me. So she had enjoyed it. I tried to force the image of that grinning asshole’s face from my mind. It didn’t matter anyway. This wasn’t about me. With all the strength I could muster, I leaned forward and gave her a slow, broad hug.
She pushed me away.
“Don’t you get it, Felix? I’m Fuck Bunny, right? That’s me. Fuck Bunny. You should watch the video. I know you’re dying to. Just watch it and
get it over and done with. You want to know what happened after you left? Everything went to shit. I couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t handle my dad…” She started sobbing. “I was drunk that night. Very drunk. I think they gave me other stuff too. I had taken all my anxiety meds. I was in a bad place. I did it all willingly.”
“You were sad, Emily,” I said quietly.
“I was a slut.”
I hugged her again.
“So what? And so what if you were?”
She looked up at me, not resisting me anymore.
“You’re a slut? Fine, I’m a cripple. Can we just get on with our lives?” I said and gave her a crooked smile. She burst into shocked laughter.
“You’re crazy.”
“I’m not crazy. I just love you,” I said.
Her face was softening. I just wanted her to stay here with me. Stay here and never leave again, and it hurt to think about what had happened to her, it hurt to know that someone had hurt her, and I didn’t know what I would do when I allowed myself to really think about that, but it didn’t matter now. All that mattered was that she was in my arms. That she wasn’t crying anymore. That there was even a faint hint of a smile on her lips.
“You’re an idiot to want me,” she said.
“Then so be it.”
“I’m sorry Felix.”
“Don’t be. I just have one question. Why bunny?”
She tensed up again in my arms. I stroked her hair and kissed her.
“Forget it. You don’t have to answer, it’s not important. Forget I said anything.”
Her reactions the first time I bumped into her at the supermarket, her strange behavior about the Easter cakes …it was all starting to make sense now.
“Promise me you’ll never watch it,” she said. She looked up at me expectantly.
I couldn’t hold back. I lowered my head and planted a hesitant kiss on her lips. She didn’t resist. I lived for kissing this woman. My entire life could be divided up into the eons and eras that lay in the wastelands between each of her perfect kisses. With Emily, it was more than chemistry. The electricity I felt for her was almost subatomic, it shot right through me.
“I’ll never watch it. I promise.”
“Do you think I’m a slut?” she asked between pecks.
I smiled. “Do you want me to think you’re a slut?”
She playfully slapped my chest.
“Oh my god, be serious.”
“Why?” I gave her a mischievous look.
She melted in my arms a little.
“You’re not a slut, but if I remember correctly, you were a real firecracker. You always blew my mind…” I whispered. She frowned.
“I hate you for leaving me, Felix.”
I kissed her jawline, her neck.
“I hate myself for leaving you,” I mumbled between kisses. I stroked her hair off her shoulders and kissed her there.
“You don’t know anything about me, Felix. I’m not some helpless girl, I’m not some little innocent baby, you know.”
“Then show me what you are,” I said. My lips were playing now on her shoulder, and I peeled a few inches of her shirt away to kiss the pale skin underneath.
“I’ve changed, Felix,” she said, her voice coming in rasps. “You’re the only one who really knows me, the only one who knew me,” she said distractedly, succumbing a little the kisses I was raining down on her. Her little hands were resting gently on my shoulders now, and her head had fallen back, letting those two pigtails fall back and long down her shoulders.
“And I’ll never forgive you for just abandoning me here.”
“Then don’t forgive me, just kiss me,” I said, and she did. Her kiss was soft, yielding. But there was something edgy in it. Something hard. She was angry. Before I knew what was happening, her body came to life and she was responding to me, and in one quick movement she had yanked at the long slit that ran all along the front of her dress, sending all the buttons popping off and flying into the darkness of the storeroom. She half shimmied it off, then pressed her bare midriff against me again, the black of her bra and panties catching my eye.
“Woah, easy tiger…” I laughed, but she was kissing me again. Hard.
Her hands flew frantically all over my body, trying to find an opening, and when her hands sunk down into the waistband of my pants, she moaned softly and fumbled with the zip, her eyes wild. I had never seen her like this. But I liked it. I wasted no time in opening the buttons of my own shirt, and when she caught sight of my chest she forgot about her mission to remove my pants for a second and was instantly kissing and caressing me there instead. She seemed to know exactly where to linger, exactly where send that warm, sweet breath of hers. My nipples stood hard on end as her beautiful fluffy hair tickled against me.
She had shrugged off her dress and now had both hands angled behind her to pull off her bra. I leant forward and slid off her panties while she did this, and in a second she was completely naked in front of me, except for her shoes. For a second, the frenzy between us stopped as she felt me gazing at her. The moment snapped with electricity. I felt every hair stand on end. She looked wild. And angry. Surprisingly angry. Her body was just what I remembered – those elegant lines, the beautiful way her stomach gathered and hung just so in a soft swell under her navel, her collarbones, that perfect, impossibly white skin right on the inside of her thighs.
She dove at me again and we melted together into another hot, devouring kiss, hands everywhere, hair messy and breath even messier. It was fantastic. But as we stood there pressed up against one another, I caught sight of her face. She was angry. I saw tears streaming out the side of her eyes.
“Hey, Em,” I said, clasping her head in my hands and lifting her gaze to mine. But she pulled away and carried on, her hand now between her own thighs.
“Em, wait, please, we don’t have to do any of this,” I said feebly.
“Just shut up.”
I was stunned.
She glanced behind her, then hoisted herself up onto a pile of flour bags, laying back and bringing her legs up high, exposing every last delicious part of herself to me.
“I want you to fuck me,” she said simply.
“Well that’s very direct.”
She reached forward with her leg and hooked me with her foot, pulling me in closer to her. Needless to say I was rock hard, my cock seemingly still riled up from the time she teased me and left me hanging days before. I wanted her. Fuck, did I want her. But she wasn’t herself. She seemed so …unhinged. So out of control.
She drew me in with her feet so that the tip of my cock hovered just inches away from that glistening spot. In the soft darkness of the storeroom, I could see how turned on she was. She reached forward and grabbed hold of my shaft, rolling her curled fingers over me again and again, and I could do nothing but shudder, every inch of me responding to her. I had wanted to fuck her for so long, I had waited for this moment for so long, that her just touching me almost felt like it hurt…
“I said fuck me,” she purred, a hungry look in her eyes. Her hands slinked down and slipped between her legs, and she held my gaze as she parted those slick folds, pulling her legs up higher still and inviting me in. It nearly drove me insane, to see her like that.
“Fuck me like the dirty slut that I am,” she said, and teased the tip of her cock against her clit. I was shocked. “Do it. I want it,” she said, daring me with her eyes.
“Emily, this isn‘t like you, you’re not a slut,” before I could finish my thought, though, she had pulled me forward and eased herself onto the tip, and instantly the dripping heat of her body engulfed me, and I was speechless.
“Emily…”
“I’m done with you telling me what’s good for me and what isn’t…” she said, and clasped her hands round my hips, inching me in deeper and deeper. The sensation of sinking into her sent violent goosebumps all through me. “I want you to fuck me, hard, and I want you to call me a dirty, filthy whore while you do it�
��” she whispered. My ears burned. I wanted to pull out. To tell her that she was crazy. That I would never treat her like that. That I wasn’t like them… but as she gently guided my hips close and closer to hers, I couldn’t resist. I was stuck. The air left the room, we both went silent and after a few moments my full length was buried in her to the hilt, the faint blondish fuzz at the top of her pussy pressing hot into the skin at the base of my cock. I think I stopped breathing.
I could feel her body internally twitch and undulate against mine. I could feel her breath, feel her heartbeat. I was deep, way, way up inside her, and fuck it if it sounds cheesy as hell but for the first time in many years, I felt like I was home. Her pussy was the sweetest fucking thing. Holy hell did I love it. Did I love her. I wanted her to have all of me, and if I had even a single millimeter of dick more I would have gladly given her that too. I thrust my hips hard into her, pressing in as deeply as I could go, and her mouth opened for one long, silent moan.
“Are you going to leave me again, Felix?”
I felt her little feet clasp one another behind me, pulling me in snugly to her.
“No. Not ever.”
“Even though I’m a slut?”
I felt like I was suddenly in very dangerous waters. I didn’t know what had really happened to Emily all the time I was away. I didn’t know what she wanted form me now. But I knew that at least some of it was my fault.
“Emily, whatever you are, I love you. Nothing can ever change that,” I breathed. I leant forward and kissed her brow, and I felt her pussy kick against me as she moaned, then began grinding against me, sliding herself off my cock and then slowly back on again. I eased into the rhythm with her, our bodies moving slowly but deliberately with one another, each delicious thrust slightly quicker than the one before.
I could still see wet tear tracks falling from the corners of her eyes down into her hair.
“Then call me a slut. Fuck me and tell me what a dirty girl I am. I want you to.”
I couldn’t help my body responding to how desperate and sexy her voice sounded. I growled and kept fucking her, much harder this time. I didn’t want to hurt her. But it felt so, so good to have my hips coming down hard against hers.
