by KC Burn
They stood side by side looking out onto the lush greenery of the Martinez estate, but Raven could no longer see the beauty.
“I didn’t have a lot of friends, so the time I was able to couch surf was limited. Soon, it became me giving blow jobs to friends of friends to keep a roof over my head and food in my stomach. I’d had a partial scholarship for college, but I didn’t have a way to make up the rest of the money, so I had to defer school. Just when I was losing hope and facing actually being homeless, as in sleeping on the fucking street, I discovered Idyll Fling and auditioned.”
Raven sniffed and tilted his head back. Fuck if he was going to cry right now. He wasn’t sure why so many people were desperate to find love, because this was more painful than anything he’d ever experienced.
“Idyll Fling saved my fucking life. Not only that, they gave me a new path to a career. I made enough to support myself and go back to school. I will never be ashamed of what I did because I always liked sex. But sex in front of the camera isn’t easy. It isn’t special. Not like it is with someone you love.”
“I don’t want to hear it.” Caleb spit out the words, and they hit Raven like bullets.
“Fine. You don’t want to hear it. Get tested if you want, but I was always careful, and I’ve had more blood tests since my accident than you’ve probably had in your whole life. I’m fucking clean, but that’s what everyone thinks, isn’t it? I must be a diseased slut.”
“Is that why you didn’t tell me?” There wasn’t one bit of softening in Caleb’s tone, no hint that he gave one fat fuck about Raven’s explanation. Which told Raven all he needed to know.
“No. I didn’t tell you right away because a lot of guys assume that porn stars don’t get to say no. Or they think we’ve all got a price, and they just have to figure out what it is. So many men don’t realize that we’re real goddamned people, with private lives and feelings. They don’t care about saying horrific things about us online. They treat us like living, breathing Fleshlights. And that part of my life is over, anyway.”
“Well, that tells me what you think of me.”
Raven refused to feel bad. About that. He already had more than enough regrets. “I don’t think you’re like them. But I didn’t know you before, did I?” Instinct only counted so much as protection, especially with his wonky hip.
“And I don’t know you at all.”
“You keep telling yourself that. I hope you’re happy in your fucking closet, letting Jaime cover for you. You couldn’t even spend any time with me in public as an acquaintance. Tonight really opened my eyes. I deserve to be more than a sex toy to be hidden away except when you want to get your rocks off.”
He should have seen the writing on the wall the second Caleb suggested he attend as Jaime’s friend. Caleb had allowed his family to think he was dating a woman. He got Jaime to lie. All sorts of lies on both sides. Raven might not have much experience with relationships, but he was certain their shiny new love couldn’t support the weight of all their combined baggage.
“Did you not see that video? You are nothing but a sex toy.”
Caleb’s disgust grabbed him around the chest and squeezed, and it was a wonder he could still draw breath. Caleb couldn’t have dealt a more painful blow if he’d punched him in the face.
“I hope you and Francesca have a happy life together.”
It was time to cut his losses. Raven turned around to leave, only to see a handful of Caleb’s family on the porch, Jaime at the front of the pack, all of them wearing various permutations of shock and horror.
Fuck. He drew his shoulders back and strode toward the stairs as though he hadn’t left his dignity in shreds at Caleb’s feet.
“Excuse me.”
A path opened up, the only sounds Caleb’s harsh breathing and katydids singing in the humidity. He concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other, tears blurring his vision, until he’d passed the parking lot and rounded the bend in the driveway. Once he was out of sight of the house, he let the tears fall, unable to quiet the ragged sobs. If he could, he’d collapse at the edge of the road, lie down in the damned ditch, and stay there until he couldn’t feel anything anymore. But instead he was going to walk a little farther before trying to convince a cab to head out into this wilderness to pick him up.
CALEB WATCHED Raven walk down the path to the parking lot, head held high. How had it all gone wrong?
“What the fuck is wrong with you?”
Caleb didn’t even bother turning to face Jaime. Not too surprising he’d followed them out. He’d probably heard everything.
“None of your business, you nosy bastard.” Caleb closed his eyes against the aggression in his words. None of this was Jaime’s fault, but Caleb’s true target had left, and he had too much pride to chase after him. Too much self-control too, because if he went chasing after Raven now, the situation would only get uglier.
“Oh, I think you made it my business. What the fuck just happened?”
Maybe that was true. He’d coerced his cousin into bringing Raven, introducing him to the family. “He’s a porn star, Jaime. A fucking porn star. Or at least he was until his accident.”
“I see. And you’ve never watched porn before?”
“Of course I have. That’s got nothing to do with it.” Caleb pressed a fist into his stomach, trying to ease the stabbing pains that threatened to return dinner.
“Doesn’t it?”
“No. He fucking lied to me. Remember that idiot Jeremy? He sent me a link to one of Raven’s videos.” Caleb’s tongue stumbled over Raven’s name. He hated how vicious he’d been, how hurt Raven had looked, but Raven had lied. Betrayed everything they’d been building. Or maybe Caleb had only been deluding himself. The sex they’d had, the time they’d spent together, obviously meant more to Caleb than it ever had to Raven. He’d fallen in love with a man who’d been nothing more than a mirage. How on earth could Raven settle for him?
“Maybe he didn’t tell you because he thought you’d react like this.”
“He did porn for years, Jaime. Years. All those men. The video I saw—” Caleb choked on the words.
“All those men?” This time, Jaime’s ire was almost a tangible thing, and Caleb finally turned to look at him. Jaime was furious in a way that Caleb had never seen before. “I’ve slept with a lot of men over the years. A lot. Does that mean I’m an irredeemable slut? Do I not deserve to find someone to love me? What’s the magic number of cocks, Caleb, after which I become nothing but a sex toy, a subject of scorn?”
“That’s not what I meant.”
Jaime slashed a hand between them, cutting off Caleb’s explanation.
“You know what, Caleb? Raven made you happy, but you’re the one who doesn’t deserve him. Oh, and by the way, as a way to out yourself, this was a spectacularly bad one.” Jaime stomped away, and only then did Caleb realize half of his family was gathered around the porch, close enough to have heard just about everything. Some of them looked stunned, but most of them had expressions of disapproval or disappointment, including his parents.
Tremors shook his body, and he didn’t know whether to run or scream.
“Jaime, where are you going?”
“Fuck you. I’ve covered your ass long enough. I’m going to make sure Raven gets home.” Jaime threw the words over his shoulder as he stomped down the stairs and pulled out his car keys.
Alone and exposed, Caleb cast his gaze over to his mother, whose eyes were filled with tears. Caleb swallowed heavily. This was like a nightmare he used to have, but his subconscious had never been able to imagine this kind of pain. Mostly because he’d never known how badly a heart could break.
“Mama, I’m sorry.” The shaking got worse, and Caleb wrapped his arms around his chest to keep himself from flying apart at the seams.
She stared at him for a moment before turning to the rest of the family. “Inside. All of you. I must talk with my son.”
Her stern tone sent everyone except hi
s father scurrying inside, even his aunt Rosa, who was the nosiest one of all. With some detachment, Caleb realized that was where Jaime got his busybody gene.
Light-headed and quaking, a cold sweat broke out over his whole body. He’d lost everything. Everything except his job, and much to his amazement, that was the least important thing in his world.
Stumbling backward, he fell more than sat in the chair behind him, and then he waited for the screaming to begin. Waited to be disowned or scorned.
His mama sat down across from him, and his father… his father had disappeared without a word. Had their meaningless small talk earlier in the hall been the last time his father spoke to him? Maybe his father was so disgusted with him he couldn’t even bear to look at him.
Caleb picked at a ragged edge of his thumbnail. He didn’t know what to say, what his mother expected of him, but he couldn’t look at her. Not while he had to concentrate on not passing out.
A few seconds later, someone sat beside his mom, and Caleb looked up. His dad, looking strangely concerned, leaned in and handed him a water bottle.
“Cariño, drink it please,” his mama implored. “You look terrible.”
There wasn’t any hatred in her voice, and there was only comfort in the hand she gripped his knee with. The condensation and the wet-noodle consistency of all his muscles thwarted his attempt to open the bottle. His father swiftly opened the bottle and handed it back to him.
Delaying whatever shit was ready to rain down on his head, Caleb drank a few mouthfuls, the chill of the water helping more than he expected.
Just at the point he regained some of his equilibrium, his mama let go of his knee to pat his hand. “Now, cariño, I heard some terrible things come out of your mouth. Things I’d never have expected from the man we raised.”
His eyes filled, but he managed to hold back the tears as he screwed up enough courage to look her in the eye. “Mama, I’m so sorry. But I’m gay. I’ve tried to change it, tried to hide it, but I can’t.”
His mama didn’t even bother to hide her tears, and she dabbed at her cheeks from a tissue she’d pulled from her bodice. He was the worst son ever.
“Dios mío, mi hijo. That is nothing to be sorry for. I know the family doesn’t always know how to treat Jaime, but surely we’ve proved we don’t care about that. You are as God made you, and that’s who we love. I don’t know why you had to hide it from us. We love you.”
Caleb darted a glance at his dad, whose expression was more reminiscent of the time he’d had his appendix out than the time he’d snuck out of the house to get drunk with Jaime at fourteen. Fear and worry but no anger or condemnation. No disappointment.
“But. I don’t. What about grandchildren?”
His mother’s watery smile gave him a little hope. “If my desire for grandchildren has done this to you, then I am the one who is sorry. Yes, I would love grandchildren. Of course I would. But gay men have children all the time, if that’s what they want. Even if you wanted to marry that sweet Francesca, there are no guarantees in life. God does not always grant children, even to those who ardently desire them. If you were straight and somehow unable or unwilling to have kids, I would never want you to feel guilty about that lack.”
Hiding his true self had created a wound in his soul so long ago he hadn’t been aware of how much it had festered deep inside, but a few short sentences from his mother soothed it away like magic. The pain and toxicity in his life wouldn’t just disappear, but already something in his heart eased. One day soon the wound would heal, instead of just constantly scabbing over.
“Then what terrible things were you talking about?”
“That nice boy. Raven. And your cousin. You said some awful things to both of them. Mean-spirited, and you’ve never been like that. You were always so kindhearted.”
“But, Mama….” She wasn’t wrong, though. Shame licked through him, hot and bright, like a flame scorching kindling.
This time his dad cleared his throat. “Caleb, son, we did our best to raise you not to judge. Maria’s family, they are good people, and sometimes they fail in that quality, but we tried to be even more careful to ensure you were accepting of everyone. And until today, I thought we had at least done that right.”
Caleb frowned. “But Raven’s….”
His mama grabbed his hand. “It didn’t take long to see you care for that boy. And that he cares for you, enough that he was hurt by what you said.”
He’d definitely fallen through the rabbit hole. There was no other explanation. “Raven’s past won’t be a problem for you?”
The disappointed tsking was something he was more than familiar with. “Cariño, I am sure it isn’t something anyone would wish for their baby. But he’s a grown man, who had his own choices to make, without any help, from what I heard. Revealing his past to everyone should have been his choice, not yours. That was not well done. And as for it being a problem….” His mama glanced at his dad, and this time, his dad seemed to have difficulty meeting his gaze.
“Probably this is something we should have told you earlier, but we thought we’d made the right decision.”
Caleb’s heart fluttered. There was only one piece of bad news his parents could have, revolving around his mother’s health.
“What?”
“I always told you my family was dead. That was more figurative than literal.” His dad appeared more uncertain than Caleb had seen him in a long time.
“What?” This time the question was more vehement than confused.
Shaking her head, his mom tsked again. “Your papa, so dramatic sometimes. He fits right in with the Escobars. Jacob and I fell in love and wanted to get married. Your nana, she loved him right from the start, as did everyone else.”
This was not news for Caleb. His dad fit into the family more than he did, but then, that might have been partially due to a giant secret he’d kept for more than half his life, unnecessarily.
“My parents were….” Jacob paused to search for a word. “They were aloof when I first introduced your mom but were horrified when I proposed to someone who wasn’t white. They mentioned how embarrassed they’d be, introducing Maria at the country club, and having grandkids who would, in their words, resemble the pool boy more than their son. They put a lot of pressure on me to call off the engagement, even to the point of threatening to disown me.”
Caleb opened his mouth, intending to ask what had happened, but he actually knew what had to have happened, since he’d been under the impression his dad was an orphan. “Are they still alive?”
“I don’t know. They disowned me, and I disowned them right back. Your mom’s family may not be perfect, but they are warm, welcoming, loving people, unlike my own family.”
He wanted to find out more about this revelation, but later, when he wasn’t drowning in his own emotions.
“So you see, I know what it’s like to be judged for something that I have no control over.”
“But Raven had control over that.” Even Caleb could hear the faint whine in his voice. If only, if only. A refrain that never did anyone any good.
His mother shook her head. “Maybe he did and maybe he didn’t, but neither of you can go back and make changes. Caleb, I’ve never seen you like this before. So impassioned. I think it will hurt you both if you can’t make peace—true peace—with the past he cannot change.”
“I don’t know what to say to him. Them.” Caleb’s words came back with shocking clarity, unfiltered by fear of his parents’ reaction. Along with the memory of Raven’s pale, shocked face. Trembling pink lips. How stiffly he’d held himself. And the furious fire in Jaime’s eyes. This time, Caleb couldn’t stop the tears. “How can I make things right?”
“Cariño, you need to start with an apology. You owe both of them that, no matter what.”
Caleb sucked more water from the bottle, fearing Raven’s response. Jaime was more pissed than Caleb had ever seen him, but he was sure he’d come around eventually. Raven, on
the other hand…. Caleb didn’t know if he could fix things. His thoughtless words might have irreparably damaged what they’d been building. Either way, he needed to explain as well as apologize to both of them.
His dad stood and gave his shoulder a squeeze. “We love you, Caleb, always. You give this some thought, and if you’d prefer, we’ll make your excuses to the family.”
One small worry off his shoulders. “Yes, please. I’m going to head out in a few minutes.” As Jaime had said, he’d chosen a less than ideal way to come out, and he wasn’t sure he was up to fending off questions from his family, however well-meaning they might be. As soon as his parents went back in, he’d leave. Find Raven.
After his mom rose to her feet, she bent over and kissed his forehead. “Thank you for all your hard work for today. I’m sorry it ended this way for you, but I know you. You will be stronger and wiser for this day, and hopefully, happier.”
Happy. He’d been happy a few days ago. Raven made him happy, and he found it easy to understand his father’s decision so long ago. Even before the horrible text from that asshole Jeremy, he’d been circling the notion of coming out. Because he’d never be truly content keeping a secret like being in love from his family, and he would have hated to live his life like he was ashamed of his relationship.
“Mama, I love him.” Caleb could barely get the words out, and his mama teared up too. What if Raven didn’t love him anymore?
“I know. You go and do your best to get him back. Your papa and I will be here for you, no matter what.”
Chapter EIGHTEEN
CALEB STARED at Raven’s door. He’d been lucky—maybe—that he’d been able to slip past the security downstairs by coming in at the same time as another resident. He didn’t much want to have this conversation over the speaker by the entrance, because he didn’t think Raven would buzz him up. Showing up unannounced at his door might not be any better, but Caleb had to do something.
If only he knew what to say. He’d driven like a man hell-bent on getting a reckless driving charge, and when he wasn’t wondering if he should stop somewhere for flowers, he was trying to figure out what to say. The time alone convinced him of one thing—he’d be lost without Raven in his life. Sure, it had all happened quickly, but the time didn’t matter. He loved Raven, he wanted to work this out, and he just had to convince Raven of that.
