Neil Godley (Accounts)
From: Janice Crutton
To: David Crutton
Sent: 5 January 2009, 12.38
Subject: Noah
Just had a call from him. He’s with the school nurse. He didn’t make much sense but it seems there was some sort of explosion in the science lab. He said he has no eyebrows. Can you go and pick him up? I’d go, but I’m due in court at two.
From: David Crutton
To: Janice Crutton
Sent: 5 January 2009, 12.44
Subject: Re: Noah
It’s only his eyebrows. Can’t he catch a bus? And at his age I’d have killed to spend time with the school nurse. The boy’s wrong in the head.
From: Janice Crutton
To: David Crutton
Sent: 5 January 2009, 12.50
Subject: Re: Noah
I was thinking he might need some emotional support. You know how sensitive he is about his appearance. I’ll call him and tell him to get a cab. But please be home early for him. And to talk to Tamara. And to me.
By the way, what’s with the new sign-off? Makes you look a bit Cap’n Barbossa.
From: David Crutton
To: Janice Crutton
Sent: 5 January 2009, 12.57
Subject: Re: Noah
Barbossa?
From: Janice Crutton
To: David Crutton
Sent: 5 January 2009, 13.01
Subject: Re: Noah
Pirates of the Caribbean.
From: David Crutton
To: Janice Crutton
Sent: 5 January 2009, 13.04
Subject: Re: Noah
Geoffrey Rush? Thanks a lot.
From: Janice Crutton
To: David Crutton
Sent: 5 January 2009, 13.07
Subject: Re: Noah
You were Cap’n Jack Sparrow once. Don’t worry. I always preferred my pirates grizzled.
From: David Crutton
To: Janice Crutton
Sent: 5 January 2009, 13.08
Subject: Re: Noah
You flirting?
From: Janice Crutton
To: David Crutton
Sent: 5 January 2009, 13.10
Subject: Re: Noah
Get home at a decent hour and find out. Got to go. Court: HMRC vs. Echelon Holdings p/c. God, have you any idea how un-sexy typing that makes me feel?
Janice xx
From: Kazu Makino
To: Bill Geddes
Sent: 5 January 2009, 13.35
Subject: yikes!
Click the link quick.
bbc.co.uk/news
Stansted disaster averted
62 passengers and six crew safely evacuated from budget airline jet after engine fire.
The pilot of a BizzyJet Boeing 737 successfully aborted takeoff at Stansted Airport after an engine burst into flames. The Rotterdam-bound jet was evacuated and five passengers were taken to hospital. There are no reports of serious injuries. The Civil Aviation Authority has begun an investigation and is considering all possible causes.
Eyewitnesses reported hearing a loud bang immediately before seeing flames and smoke pour from the plane’s starboard engine. One passenger, who declined to give his name, said: “It was a sharp metallic clank, exactly as if a cheap B&Q spanner had become caught up in the works. It was absolutely terrifying. I’m telling you, the sooner all air travel is banned and our airports are grassed over and turned into nature reserves the better.”
From: Bill Geddes
To: Kazu Makino
Sent: 5 January 2009, 13.38
Subject: Re: yikes!
I’m in shock. I was really taking the piss out of him earlier. Feel terrible now. Should I go to Stansted and see how he is?
From: Kazu Makino
To: Bill Geddes
Sent: 5 January 2009, 13.40
Subject: Re: yikes!
Stay put. He’ll be up to his neck in trauma counselors. Call him though.
From: Neil Godley
To: All Staff
Sent: 5 January 2009, 14.01
Subject: normal service is resumed!
I am now back at my desk. Anyone who would like to inspect my “trim” can visit me in my basement cubby!
From: David Crutton
To: Kazu Makino
Sent: 5 January 2009, 14.14
Subject:
I’ve just had a call from our Esmée Éloge client. They’re waiting for the meeting to start. Where the hell is your boss?
From: Kazu Makino
To: David Crutton
Sent: 5 January 2009, 14.15
Subject: Re:
He was on the plane that caught fire at Stansted. Sorry, I should have told you, but things went slightly headless-chicken when we found out. Bill talked to him. He’s pretty shaken up but physically fine.
From: David Crutton
To: Kazu Makino
Sent: 5 January 2009, 14.16
Subject: Re:
That’s good news. So which flight is he on? I’ll call the client and let him know.
From: Kazu Makino
To: David Crutton
Sent: 5 January 2009, 14.18
Subject: Re:
I think he’s gone home. According to Bill, he’s too shocked to fly anywhere.
From: David Crutton
To: Kazu Makino
Sent: 5 January 2009, 14.19
Subject: Re:
Best piece of advice I ever got: when you fall off your bike, get straight back on. Tell him I’ll be writing “sissy boy” at the top of his next appraisal.
From: David Crutton
To: Dotty Podidra
Sent: 5 January 2009, 14.24
Subject:
Book me on earliest flight to Rotterdam.
From: Dotty Podidra
To: David Crutton
Sent: 5 January 2009, 14.25
Subject: Re:
You’ve got your anger-management session with Fabio at 3.30. You said before Christmas that whatever happened not to cancel it.
From: David Crutton
To: Dotty Podidra
Sent: 5 January 2009, 14.26
Subject: Re:
Cancel it. Book ticket. Unless you want to see me very fucking angry.
From: David Crutton
To: Janice Crutton
Sent: 5 January 2009, 14.28
Subject: sorry
Won’t be home tonight. Got to fly to Rotterdam to present the most ridiculous list of celebrity names I have ever seen. If it’s any consolation, the meeting will almost certainly be the end of my career. I’ll call you.
From: Róisín O’Hooligan
To: All Staff
Sent: 5 January 2009, 14.37
Subject: delivery
Got a guy in a helmet standing in front of me. He’s got a package for Tony Blair. Is he working here now (honestly, nothing surprises me about this place anymore) or has bike man screwed up?
Róisín
Reception
PS: Bloody tree. Still bloody here.
Tuesday
Mood: slurpy
blogass.co.uk
Posted by Veiko Van Helden
06/01/09, 02:31 GMT
Dethrush take Jisalmi by storms!
The greatest gig ever! Yes, reader, we conquer Jisalmi making day when Dethrush crown Finland biker-cheesy-power-metal kings soon come. This were the highlightings:• Aadolf break 24 drum stick. New world records!
• Bass Bastard Alpo drink too many Bud before show and pee himself! His trouser plastic so it not show.
• My solo in “Nuns with Cocks” making nosebleed in fan stage right. He spurt like bleugh-agghhh decapitate zombie in snuff slasher movie!
• Chick stage left with boob tattoo. Sweet, baby! Make comfy chair on my face any time you want!!
• Wow, too many other fantastic highlightings I have no time to mention cause I have to post and go make slurpy noise with leather groupie chick. (Not boob t
attoo chick but another chick different completely. I lining them up tonight, guys!)
Till the next time. Homantsi on 15th. Rokk till your spleen go splat!
Comment posted by jesus666: I was there, man! You guys rock! Necrophobic, Autopsy Torment, Hatesphere? You shit on them big time!!!
Comment posted by Necrophobicluv: Jisalmi? Anyone notice it sound like jism? Dethrush suck. Dethrush = jism!
Comment posted by jesus666: Necrophobicluv = jism + shit
Comment posted by Necrophobicluv: jesus666 = jism + shit + piss x knob cheese2
Comment posted bv MaryMary: Confused! I’m looking for a blog that gives info on fungal infections (of a personal nature). I really got my hopes up because I thought de-thrush might be it. Can anyone help?
Comment posted by jesus666: Let me explain cuz you’re obviously completely lame-oid. Death put together with Rush makes Dethrush. I thought people this dumb wasn’t allowed on the internet.
Comment posted by Necrophobicluv: You got that right. MaryMary = total flid
blogass.co.uk
Posted by Tiga
06/01/09, 18:44 GMT
Laser Torture
Today my human rights were violated. I was forced to have a tiny (like almost invisible) tattoo removed. By my mother! With the support of my fascist school, she dragged me to a sadist on Harley Street who attacked my leg with a laser gun. He said it would be painless, but it was agony. I could actually smell burning flesh.
The scar will be a permanent symbol of the emotional damage I now have to live with for the rest of my life. Doesn’t anyone care that the tattoo (which, by the way, was not a skull. It was supposed to be Hello Kitty. It wasn’t my fault that the tattoo guy couldn’t draw) was an expression of my individuality?
Not my so-called mother, obviously. The most unbelievable thing is that she is a lawyer and is therefore supposed to understand the rights of the individual. The other most unbelievable thing is that she is also a member of Amnesty
International. Yes, she gives money to stop torture! Doesn’t she realize that what she did to me was exactly the same as what the secret police do to people in countries like Burma, Belgium and Guantánamo?
I haven’t been defeated though. Mum and my Nazi teachers don’t know about the tattoo on the back of my neck and as long as I keep my hair down they never will!!
Comment posted bv littlepinkpony: 100% empathy, Tiga. My mom has kept me locked in my room for five days just coz I dyed my hair blue. What’s she gonna do? Keep me in here till it grows out? That so wouldn’t surprise me coz she’s a total bitch. I’m like that Australian girl in the cellar. Except I’ve got a window. And Mom isn’t making me have babies. Not yet anyway. My only contact with the outside world is my PC. Anyone in the Saginaw, MI area, call Child Services. Please! I’m at 1215 Jeffers St. Look out for the sign in my window. A pic of Lindsay Lohan. She’s totally persecuted too, you know.
blogass.co.uk
Posted by Hornblower
06/01/09, 20:30 GMT
Crépuscule dans le Périgord Partie 79: Fenêtres Givrées
“Froid vif, esprit vif,” as they are wont to say in these parts. Mots justes, indeed, because I awoke at dawn to both Jacques Frost’s delightful filigree upon my windows and a distinct sense of a sharpened mind.
And in that intellectual limpidity one certainty was clear: I have made the right decision. Leaving the narcotic-fueled and vanity-powered Soho media fest for la simplicité rustique of le Dordogne was une bonne idée.
“Tu traines encore en pyjama, mon couillon d’Anglais?” remarked dear old M. Papin when he arrived on his rusting bicycle to repaint the wall around the plum orchard. Papin and his forebears have worked this land since Neolithic times. His craggy and leathered visage is as much a part of the Périgordian landscape as Les Caves de Lascaux. I poured him his tasse de café and he set match to Gitanes, settling down for our customary rumination on la vie du pays.
“Elle est où ta salope?” he asked.
Ah, Celine. I explained that she hasn’t yet returned from her yuletide visit to her parents.
“Elle revient quand?” he went on.
She hasn’t called, I told him, but the mobile reception in these far-flung parts is sporadique at best.
Papin nodded sagely at that, though the frustrations of le mobile are as alien to him as warm English ale would be to un Chinois. “Elle était bonne. Ses gros nichons vont me manquer,” he said finally.
I’ll miss her too, I agreed. But if Celine has chosen the dubious comforts of SW6 over la pureté of our new home, then so be it. I have made my choice and it is assuredly the right one.
Or as the inimitable Papin put it, “Tu es un vieux connard, seul et pathétique. Vas-te faire enculer.”
Wednesday
Mood: positive
From: Róisín O’Hooligan
To: All Staff
Sent: 7 January 2009, 09.00
Subject: It’s me or the tree
If it hasn’t gone by lunchtime, I’m out of here. And believe me, the tree won’t be as good as I am at keeping clients plied with coffee until you lot are ready to get off your lazy arses to collect them. Do I make my point?
Róisín
Reception
From: Harry Frisby
To: All Staff
Sent: 7 January 2009, 09.01
Subject: Interns for hire
I have five excellent interns available. They’re fast learners, adaptable and used to getting hands dirty. Available singly or as job lot.
Harry Frisby
Senior Account Director
From: Bill Geddes
To: Kazu Makino
Sent: 7 January 2009, 09.03
Subject: Fat Harry
Has he brought his kids in again?
From: Kazu Makino
To: Bill Geddes
Sent: 7 January 2009, 09.05
Subject: Re: Fat Harry
Looks like it. Heard he sent them to summer camp in China. What was that all about?
From: Bill Geddes
To: Kazu Makino
Sent: 7 January 2009, 09.06
Subject: Re: Fat Harry
Had them working in an iPod sweatshop in Guangzhou. Their small hands were much prized on the nano production line.
From: Brett Topolski
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 7 January 2009, 09.16
Subject: Re: Happy New Year, Rag Head
Sorry about the delay in replying. Been shooting a swimwear ad in Bahrain. If you’re picturing Penthouse Pets in next to nowt, don’t. It was impossible to tell if the model was hot because she was wearing a burkini—a cross between a deep-sea diver’s wet-suit and a Tesco carrier bag. It offers no advantages whatsoever to either wearer or voyeur, but it does keep Allah sweet and that’s the main thing, isn’t it? Vince nearly caused a diplomatic incident. His “Can’t we get some ice cubes on those nips, Abdul?” didn’t go down at all well with the Arab crew.
I haven’t told him about the Marriage of Susi yet. I’m going to have to pick my moment with that one. Not that he still holds a torch for her, but he won’t be pleased that his baby Bubbles has a new Papa. You know what he’s like about the French.
And the Arabs. When we joined, we got the standard Miller Shanks letter about the need to show “cultural sensitivity.” Vince reckons that cuts both ways and when the Dubai police start showing sensitivity toward his need to throw up outside the Grand Hyatt after half a dozen banana daiquiris, he’ll return the favor. It’s a full-time job keeping him out of mischief. I’m afraid that I’ll nod off for a moment and wake up to find him with his head on a block and some swarthy fucker poised over him with a scimitar.
Sorry to hear things aren’t too bright in Blighty. Vince and I had an interview with Berry when he was at Fallon. He spent the time taking us through a laptop slide show of his assault on K2. Vince reminded him that Beattie had scaled it via the trickier North Ridge the year before. That might have been why we nev
er got the job. Alternatively, Berry might just have thought we were crap.
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