Best wishes,
PS: Is there anything we can do to amend our job titles? Personally, I’d be more comfortable with Office Administrator.
From: Janice Crutton
To: David Crutton
Sent: 7 January 2009, 11.40
Subject: Re: Sorry. Again
Well?
From: David Crutton
To: Janice Crutton
Sent: 7 January 2009, 11.41
Subject: Re: Sorry. Again
Well what?
From: Janice Crutton
To: David Crutton
Sent: 7 January 2009, 11.43
Subject: Re: Sorry. Again
Over half an hour ago I told you I’m pregnant. No response. What the hell have you been doing? I’m going out of my mind here.
From: David Crutton
To: Janice Crutton
Sent: 7 January 2009, 11.45
Subject: Re: Sorry. Again
I’m staggered, to be honest. How long have you known? When were you planning to tell me? And how did it happen?
From: Janice Crutton
To: David Crutton
Sent: 7 January 2009, 11.48
Subject: Re: Sorry. Again
I’ve known for a few days. That’s what I wanted to talk to you about on Monday but you buggered off to Rotterdam. How did it happen? We had sex. Remember? Or are you so self-absorbed that you didn’t notice I was with you when we were doing it?
eBay.co.uk
Wii console plus 3 games
Item specifics: slightly used Nintendo Wii console, including remote and Nunchuk. Three games included: Mario Olympics, Big Brain Game and Guitar Hero IV.*
*A personal thought on the Guitar Hero phenomenon: have any of you sad twats playing air guitar to a second-rate graphic rendering of a Guns ‘n’ Roses tribute band ever thought of buying, you know, an actual fucking guitar and, you know, actually learning to fucking play it?
eBay.co.uk
2 leather beanbags
Item specifics: two large beanbags upholstered in tan leather. Supremely comfortable. Would suit family that enjoys casual lounging. Or person with piles.
From: David Crutton
To: Janice Crutton
Sent: 7 January 2009, 11.59
Subject: Re: Sorry. Again
I thought you were on the pill.
From: Janice Crutton
To: David Crutton
Sent: 7 January 2009, 12.03
Subject: Re: Sorry. Again
I stopped taking the pill when our sex life withered to virtually nothing in 2005. Jesus, David, a bit of concern wouldn’t go amiss right now.
From: David Crutton
To: Janice Crutton
Sent: 7 January 2009, 12.05
Subject: Re: Sorry. Again
Don’t you think I’m concerned? Very bloody concerned. Have you thought about your options?
From: Janice Crutton
To: David Crutton
Sent: 7 January 2009, 12.07
Subject: Re: Sorry. Again
I’ve thought about nothing else. Why do you think I’m going out of my mind?
From: David Crutton
To: Janice Crutton
Sent: 7 January 2009, 12.08
Subject: Re: Sorry. Again
And?
From: Janice Crutton
To: David Crutton
Sent: 7 January 2009, 12.10
Subject: Re: Sorry. Again
Oh, you want me to decide this all by myself? What do you think I should do, David?
From: David Crutton
To: Janice Crutton
Sent: 7 January 2009, 12.12
Subject: Re: Sorry. Again
Well, you are forty-five.
From: Janice Crutton
To: David Crutton
Sent: 7 January 2009, 12.13
Subject: Re: Sorry. Again
Excuse me, but what the fuck is that supposed to mean?
From: David Crutton
To: Janice Crutton
Sent: 7 January 2009, 12.17
Subject: Re: Sorry. Again
Nothing. Can’t talk about this now. Client hovering outside.
From: Janice Crutton
To: David Crutton
Sent: 7 January 2009, 12.19
Subject: Re: Sorry. Again
Isn’t there always? You deal with business and I’ll just go mad by myself. I’m sure I can manage.
From: David Crutton
To: Dotty Podidra
Sent: 7 January 2009, 12.20
Subject:
No calls.
From: Dotty Podidra
To: David Crutton
Sent: 7 January 2009, 12.21
Subject: Re:
No calls at all?
From: David Crutton
To: Dotty Podidra
Sent: 7 January 2009, 12.22
Subject: Re:
Do I have to spell everything out? No calls from Janice.
From: Dotty Podidra
To: David Crutton
Sent: 7 January 2009, 12.23
Subject: Re:
With you. But you’ll take calls from other people?
From: David Crutton
To: Dotty Podidra
Sent: 7 January 2009, 12.24
Subject: Re:
Use your judgment. You have that, don’t you?
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Kazu Makino
Sent: 7 January 2009, 12.26
Subject: I’m free tonight ...
Are you? We could go for a drink and I could show you that we Brits are completely over the whole River Kwai thing.
Yours slightly pantingly—Liam
From: Milton Keane
To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
Sent: 7 January 2009, 12.27
Subject: let me take you away from all this
You mustn’t let Liam upset you so much. He’s just an unreconstructed “lad.” He’s virtually bald too. And sooo paunchy! Looks at least forty-five—way too elderly for this place. Let’s make it a long lunch—I’m sure TB can type his own e-mails for a couple of hours. Something carb-free (my diet!) and Carnaby St?
From: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
To: Milton Keane
Sent: 7 January 2009, 12.29
Subject: Re: let me take you away from all this
You’re a lifesaver. Reception at one.
From: Kazu Makino
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 7 January 2009, 12.33
Subject: Re: I’m free tonight ...
Some things you should know about me, Liam. I was born in Godalming and I hate sushi. My English is impeccable, my Japanese patchy. In short, I’m as British as you are, Paddy, and I get as patriotic as you probably do when I watch Merry Christmas Mr. Lawrence (though I can’t help going gooey when Ryuichi Sakamoto whips out his sword—it’s the uniform plus the hint of mascara).
By the way, have you fallen out with your girlfriend? You only ever e-mail me when you’ve rowed.
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Kazu Makino
Sent: 7 January 2009, 12.35
Subject: Re: I’m free tonight ...
What girlfriend?
From: Kazu Makino
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 7 January 2009, 12.39
Subject: Re: I’m free tonight ...
I’m sorry and everything, but there’s something else you should know about me: I don’t do sympathy shags.
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Brett Topolski
Sent: 7 January 2009, 13.07
Subject: runners ‘n’ riders
Two possible wagers for the discerning gambler:1. The Snipper Comely, flirty, probably easy (she’s a fucking hairdresser) 7-4
2. Ninja Babe Slanty little Jap, super-intelligent, nigh-on impossible (she has standards) 30-1
Your guidance, please.
From: Kirsten Richardson
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 7 January 2009, 13.08
Subject:
Hi Liam. You’re late for your cut. Do you still want it? I could be down the gym working on my thighs.
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Kirsten Richardson
Sent: 7 January 2009, 13.09
Subject: Re:
Don’t move a (thigh) muscle. On my way.
From: Brett Topolski
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 7 January 2009, 13.15
Subject: Re: runners ‘n’ riders
Another possibility:3 Talk to Lorraine.
From: Ted Berry
To: David Crutton
Sent: 7 January 2009, 13.16
Subject: Esmée Éloge
When were you going to debrief us on your triumph in Rotterdam?
From: David Crutton
To: Ted Berry
Sent: 7 January 2009, 13.17
Subject: Re: Esmée Éloge
I think triumph is the right word. Still can’t believe it myself. I doubt Gold would have had as much success with a list as bizarre as the one you gave me. I’m writing the contact report now.
From: David Crutton
To: Caroline Zitter, Ted Berry, Donald Gold, Kazu Makino, Camille Brunel, Maurice Weber, Betina Tofting
Sent: 7 January 2009, 13.28
Subject: Esmée Éloge Contact Report
Date: 5th January 2009
Venue: Hilton Rotterdam
Present for client: Camille Brunel, Maurice Weber, Betina Tofting
Present for agency: David Crutton
David Crutton apologized for the late start of the meeting. The Esmée Éloge group extended their best wishes to Donald Gold after his unfortunate experience at Stansted.
David Crutton went on to present the long list of celebrities for Project Red Carpet. Initially Camille Brunel expressed surprise, having briefed the agency to come up with names from the worlds of film and popular music—she cited Keira Knightley and the girl who used to stand in the middle in Destiny’s Child as examples. David Crutton explained that consumers are tiring of the conventional take on the celebrity as brand and are ready for a postmodern approach.
After much discussion, Camille Brunel expressed approval of the list’s boldness and audacity. She said that she would be prepared to commission qualitative research to gauge the limits of consumer acceptance. Betina Tofting asked who Kim Kardashian was. David Crutton thought she might be a Pussycat Doll, but he wasn’t certain. The meeting adjourned while Betina Tofting Googled her.
A shortlist of eight celebrities was agreed:Margaret Thatcher (Dame Bleue)
Monica Lewinsky (Robe Bleue)
Beth Ditto (Gigantique)
George Michael (Eau de Toilette)
Kelly Osbourne (Révu/sion pour Femme)
Jack Osbourne (Révu/sion pour Homme)
Ron Jeremy (Lucky Bâtard pour Homme)
It was further agreed that Meerkat360 would carry out additional creative refinement with a view to putting the shortlisted perfumes to focus groups at the beginning of March (action: Ted Berry).
The client remains committed to launching three new scents in time for Christmas 2009 and requested that steps be taken to sound out the shortlisted celebrities (action: David Crutton and Donald Gold).
The client thanked Meerkat360 for the work carried out to date. It was agreed to schedule a meeting in two weeks’ time to review progress (action: Donald Gold). The meeting will take place in Rio de Janeiro, due to the client’s attendance at Expo OLAD 09.
From: Caroline Zitter
To: David Crutton
Sent: 7 January 2009, 13.29
Subject: Out of Office AutoReply
I am out of the office attending Professor Derek Blundford’s discussion of his book, The Lemming Theory: Sales Techniques for the Countdown to Apocalypse. I will return on Friday 9th January. If you have an urgent request please contact my assistant, Milton Keane, on [email protected].
From: David Crutton
To: Milton Keane
Sent: 7 January 2009, 13.32
Subject: your boss
As per the instruction in Caroline’s AutoReply, I am contacting you, her no doubt thoroughly clued-up assistant. My urgent request: WHY THE SHITTING FUCK IS SHE OUT OF THE FUCKING BASTARD OFFICE AGAIN?
From: Milton Keane
To: David Crutton
Sent: 7 January 2009, 13.33
Subject: Out of Office AutoReply
I am out of the office introducing Mr. Turn to Ms. Lunch. I will be back at 3.30 pm. Apologies for any inconvenience.
Milton Keane
Assistant to Caroline Zitter
From: Dotty Podidra
To: Sally Wilton
Sent: 7 January 2009, 13.36
Subject: slight emergency
Could you get someone with a mop and bucket to come up to David’s office please? There’s been an accident with the French press. Not as bad as last time. Managed to save the kentia palm!
From: Dotty Podidra
To: David Crutton
Sent: 7 January 2009, 13.42
Subject: afternoon schedule
Just a thought, but do you want me to see if Fabio can fit you in for a quick anger-management session later this afternoon? Or perhaps half an hour in the sensory-deprivation tank—it’s supposed to be really soothing! If you don’t reply, I’ll take it as a no to both suggestions.
From: Donald Gold
To: Kazu Makino
Sent: 7 January 2009, 14.09
Subject: the nightmare continues
Does David really expect me to fly to Rio? Does he know how many disasters there’ve been at Brazilian airports? It’s like the Battle of Britain over there. I’m going to have to resign, aren’t I?
From: Kazu Makino
To: Donald Gold
Sent: 7 January 2009, 14.16
Subject: Re: the nightmare continues
No you’re not. Just Googled “fear of flying.” There are dozens of courses that cure it. You can sign up for one this weekend and be looping the loop on Monday. Want me to check out times and prices?
By the way, what’s Expo OLAD 09?
From: Donald Gold
To: Kazu Makino
Sent: 7 January 2009, 14.19
Subject: Re: the nightmare continues
OLAD is the Organization of Laboratory Animal Distributors. Esmée Éloge goes to the Expo to bulk-buy critters for mascara tests. It was held in Shanghai last year. They came back with a container ship of kittens.
Yes, book me onto a course. I’ve got to do something because the way I feel right now I’d rather be one of those kittens.
From: Dotty Podidra
To: David Crutton
Sent: 7 January 2009, 14.21
Subject: afternoon schedule
That’s a no, then?
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Brett Topolski
Sent: 7 January 2009, 15.08
Subject: Re: runners ‘n’ riders
Why talk to Lorraine when I have both a youthful new haircut (actually, the usual no. 2) and a date with the provider of said do? As well as being a gifted stylist, she’s a fully qualified beauty therapist. She’s going to give me a lower back massage. Shall I get her to wax my bum crack while she’s down there?
From: Milton Keane
To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
Sent: 7 January 2009, 15.31
Subject: unreal!
Just got back to an absolutely hideous e-mail from DC. Does he have Tourette’s? And I bumped into Dotty in the kitchen. She said he chucked his French press at the wall. The man is totally insane. Was he this bad at Miller Shanks?
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