The only problem we’ll have with GIT will be finding a truck big enough to transport our fees to the bank. I think we’ll manage without you. Oh, and praise Jesus that I’m in a charitable mood and not asking the collective committee to fire your collective butt cheeks.
From: Bill Geddes
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 8 January 2009, 13.03
Subject: Re: Winter Sun
Thanks, Liam. You’re a lifesaver. Possibly literally. I’ll call Betina and tell her she can stop trying to figure out how to slash her wrists with a Ladyshave.
From: Paula Sterling
To: David Crutton
Sent: 8 January 2009, 14.04
Subject: Re: tonight
Dear Mr Crutton
I am writing on behalf of Ms. Janice Crutton in response to your e-mail of 12.52 today. Ms. Crutton thanks you for the offer of dinner this evening, but she will be unable to accompany you. Being in the early stages of pregnancy, she feels it would be inappropriate to celebrate your acquisition of the advertising account of a tobacco company. She does, however, ask me to pass on her congratulations to you for your part in said acquisition.
Yours sincerely,Paula Sterling
Assistant to Janice Crutton
Bancroft Brooks & Partners
From: David Crutton
To: Dotty Podidra
Sent: 8 January 2009, 14.06
Subject:
Get your arse in here and take an e-mail.
From: Dotty Podidra
To: Paula Sterling
Sent: 8 January 2009, 14.13
Subject: Re: tonight
Dear Ms. Sterling
I am writing on behalf of Mr. David Crutton in response to your e-mail on behalf of Ms. Janice Crutton. Mr. Crutton thanks you for informing him of Ms. Crutton’s unavailability this evening. This being the case, he asks that you tell her that he has decided to travel to Galax, Virginia, for his meeting with the President of GIT a day earlier than scheduled, and he will therefore not be home tonight.
He asks that you wish Ms. Crutton a pleasant weekend in his absence.
Yours sincerely,Dotty Podidra
Assistant to David Crutton
From: Paula Sterling
To: Dotty Podidra
Sent: 8 January 2009, 14.22
Subject: Re: tonight
Dear Ms. Podidra
Ms. Crutton asks that you wish Mr. Crutton a productive trip and suggests that, while he is with the President of Galax International Tobacco, he takes the opportunity to remind him that he is scheduled for a court appearance in February in the case of the State of California vs. GIT Inc., where the Los Angeles office of Bancroft Brooks will be representing the State of California.
She also asks you to assure him that, despite the extreme fatigue she is experiencing as a result of the aforementioned pregnancy, she will have no trouble coordinating his children’s weekend activity programs (which will include busy study schedules, transportation to and from an interschool hockey match, shopping for school uniform items, the distinct possibility of having to peel his son from the pavement outside The Clef & Crotchet at closing time and the inevitable journey to collect his daughter from an inappropriate West End nightclub when she calls for a lift at 2.30 on Sunday morning).
Yours sincerely,Paula Sterling
Assistant to Janice Crutton
Bancroft Brooks & Partners
From: Dotty Podidra
To: Sally Wilton
Sent: 8 January 2009, 14.24
Subject: small emergency
Hi Sal—can you get the bucket and mop up here again? There’s been another slight accident with the French press.
From: Ted Berry
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 8 January 2009, 14.39
Subject: Winter Sun
What’s this bollocks you’ve left on my desk? Who briefed you to do a humorous viral? Have you any idea what a product-recall ad is? In case you’re unsure, it’s a simple press announcement in a sober typeface that a product is faulty or unsafe and should be returned to the manufacturer ASAP. Who the fuck told you to get creative with this? You’re the most experienced member of my team and I should be able to count on you to knock off pony briefs like this in your sleep. What the fuck’s got into you? I’ll level with you, geezer. You’ve been making a habit of fucking up lately. Sort yourself out or find alternative employment.
From: Bill Geddes
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 8 January 2009, 14.40
Subject: Re: Winter Sun
Any word from Ted yet on the recall ad? Betina is calmer but still a loose cannon.
BTW, caught the end of some secretarial bitchery in the kitchen. You won’t like it, but I think the hairdresser’s been talking about you.
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Lorraine Pallister
Sent: 8 January 2009, 14.42
Subject: help!
I’m falling apart here, Lorraine. Don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to be doing anymore. We’ve got to talk. Please!
From: Lorraine Pallister
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 8 January 2009, 16.16
Subject: Re: help!
<< I’m falling apart here> >
What do you think I’ve been doing for the last eighteen months, Liam?
<< I honestly don’t know why you left (it’s not because of the thing with the thing, is it? That was ages ago) >>
No, it’s not because of “the thing with the thing” (though, ages ago or not, I’ll be holding that one against you for a while yet. You will burn in hell for “the thing with the thing” alone). It’s because you’re a lowlife thief. Did you seriously think I wouldn’t notice you’d nicked my ruby brooch? It was the only valuable piece of jewelry I had (or was ever likely to have because, let’s be honest, you were never going to buy me a ring, were you?). It was given to me by my mother and given to her by my nan. It was priceless to me. If you’d cared about me at all you’d have a) known that and b) wouldn’t have stolen it to pay off some twat-faced bookie.
« All I want is an explanation. I think you owe me that much. Fair dos, I owe you a lot more >>
Too fucking right you do. You want a list? I haven’t got the time right now, but when I do get round to it (and I will) the total will be several thousand quid, the nine years of my life I wasted with you and Christ knows how much in emotional damage. Have you given any thought at all to what it’s like to live with a lying, thieving addict? Of course not. You’ve been far too busy lying, thieving and gambling your life away.
<< I can take it. I have both the time and a cast-iron emotional constitution >>
You can’t take it. You may have the time, but you don’t have the guts. We’ve been here before, haven’t we? Several times. Whenever I’ve tried to talk to you about the problem, you’ve blubbed like a baby and promised you’ll change, but it’s all meaningless. Lies like everything else.
« We could do it over a drink. I’ll buy >>
What with? You’re bankrupt, financially and morally.
<< I love you >>
No you don’t. If you did, you wouldn’t have stolen my brooch, would you?
I used to love you, but now I despise you. I don’t want to see you again. Ever. I’ll come and collect my stuff when you’re at work. It might not be for a while because I’ve got a very nice boss and I don’t want to take the piss by bunking off while I’m still new. But when I do show up, I expect all my stuff to be there and not on eBay. And that includes my brooch. I don’t care if it literally costs you an arm and a leg, get it back.
Lorraine Pallister
Assistant to Philip Edgar-Jones
Endemol
From: Milton Keane
To: All Staff
Sent: 8 January 2009, 16.25
Subject: Interns?
Any interns of Chinese descent free to feng shui Caroline’s office before she returns on Monday?
Milton K
eane
Assistant to Caroline Zitter
From: Brett Topolski
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 8 January 2009, 16.27
Subject: Lorraine
I don’t know why I’m emailing you. I’m sure you’ve talked to her (because you know your Uncle Brett is ALWAYS right) and I bet you feel a whole heap better.
Vince and I are lying low today. Bit of a kerfuffle last night. You know that complex of artificial islands they’re building in the shape of the world? Vince got a bit ADHD on whisky sours and emptied a very large dumper truck of rocks into the sea. Now the toe of Italy is sporting an outcrop that looks like a severely inflamed bunion. I’ve Google-Earthed it and you can see it from space. Dubai’s Finest are out in force.
Allah G
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Brett Topolski
Sent: 8 January 2009, 16.38
Subject: Re: Lorraine
Your advice sucked. I will never take advice from you again. If I were standing on a cliff edge and you advised me not to jump, the jagged rocks at the bottom would suddenly seem as inviting as a feather-stuffed mattress. You are the steaming turd of advice-giving and my advice to you is to keep your fat fucking beak out of my business.
eBay.co.uk
Antique ruby brooch
This item has been withdrawn and is no longer offered for sale.
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Bill Geddes
Sent: 8 January 2009, 16.42
Subject: Re: Winter Sun
Review with Little Ted didn’t go as well as hoped. We need to thrash out this recall ad. Clearly the best way to do this is by getting drunk in a major way. Aperitifs at the GIT party and on to the House. You’re buying.
From: Dotty Podidra
To: All Staff
Sent: 8 January 2009, 16.51
Subject: EMERGENCY!
I seem to have mislaid some champagne. I’m sure I put six cases in reception, but now there are only three. The party kicks off in a few minutes and if I can’t find it, we’re all going to have to make do with extra-orangey bucks fizz! Help!!!
eBay.co.uk
Joseph Perrier Brut Royale
Item specifics: 3 cases (18 bottles) of this most excellent champagne. Would suit small wedding party. Or wino who has recently won on the dogs and has wearied of Special Brew.
Current bid: £00.00
End time: 9d 23h 19m
Sunday Mood: confessional
blogass.co.uk
Posted by Hornblower
11/01/09, 14.25 GMT
Crépuscule dans le Périgord
Partie 80: Je Suis Français
As a wine takes on le caractère of its cask, so have I acquired the personality of mon milieu de choix. I came to le Périgord determined to assimilate (or as les Françaises would have it, assimilate). I was not going to be like those expatriates held in contempt by les natifs. You know the type: huddled in their cagoules, chuntering about the late arrival of the Daily Mail and the refusal of Monsieur l’Épicier to stock McVitie’s Digestives, Cheezy Wotstits or some other miserable British titbit.
By contrast, I threw myself into la vie. La chemise paysanne became my default wardrobe and French my langue maternelle, even at home with Celine. In fact, my decision to respond to her twitterings only in French infuriated her until the day she left.
(By the way, you will be pleased to learn that ma femme has been in touch. She has delayed her return to be with her mother. She promises to come back as soon as the new hip has bedded in, and no later than August.)
Yesterday a le fromagerie I was vindicated in my resolution to blend. As I entered this wondrous grotto of cheese, old Mme Poincare affectionately introduced me to her new l‘employée du samedi as her “tarlouse anglaise,” and commanded the callow poppet to sell me “ce qu’on a de plus merdique.”
And when I returned to the homestead, Papin immediately picked up the heady bouquet of my near liquid Carré de l‘Est. “Je vois qu’elle t’a vendu celui qui pue comme un branleur de bougnoules,” he murmured approvingly.
Yes, I told him, only the very best for me, un vrai Français.
blogass.co.uk
Posted by Veiko Van Helden
11/01/09, 15.44 GMT
The underwears or not the underwears??
The big question for the crazy axe warrior of todays!
Many fans are writing me. Veiko, they are saying, are you wearing the underwears under the rock monster trouser? That is my secret that I am going to reveal to you now!
I tell you story. Two year ago I was lucky fucking bastard to get accesses all area pass for Provinssirock in Seinäjoki. As anyone tell you, this is great festival in Scandinavia. I see Hardcore Superstar, R.A.M.B.O., Spazz, you fucking name it, dude. Best ever was legendary Saxon. My dad Pertti turn me on when I was kid and I love them. I see their set and they blow me away. Then we go to party in Winnebago of the great Nigel Glockler. Fucking WOW!! I am in same room as legend Saxon drum slayer Nigel “Cock Blocker” Glockler!!! I get the courage to ask him sign my codpieces. He write his name and when I turn away he say, “VPL, dude.” I do not know what he mean (my English not so excellent back in that day)
It is later when I hear VPL mean Visible Panty Line! I tell you I was massive embarrass big time. The mythic Cock Blocker can see my underwears through my super-tight jean with 20% Lycra!!!!
Since that day I never again wear the underneath pants. Now you know the truth! It take the getting used to coz man as big as me (you know what I am saying??!!) have to find the new place for parking his cucumber of cum. But now I never changing back. The underwears is for the squares.
Excepting this day. This day I am wearing under the trouser a lady thong make out of red satin and laces. I know what you thinking. You thinking Veiko turning into homo bot boy transvestist. No fucking way, dude. The lady thong is souvenir from babe I make slurpy noise with. I take her to the places she never been and after she get back the consciousness she give me the panty. Thanks you for the memory, sweet fuck of mine!
Rokk till your spleen go splat!
Comment posted by jesus666:
Underwear suck. DEATH TO UNDERWEAR!
Going outside to burn ALL MY UNDERWEAR!!
Comment posted bv NoahsDark:
Love your blogs, man. Your MySpace is cool too. Thanx for the freebie downloads. Nuns with Cocks rock!! When are you gonna get a deal so we can download ALBUMS?! And when are Dethrush gonna play the UK? Want to come to Finland to see you but my mum says I have to do my A levels first. I’d ignore her but she’s pregnant and acting schizo.
From: David Crutton
To: Ted Berry
Sent: 11 January 2009, 16.01
Subject: GIT
About to board the plane home, but I wanted to let you know what an excellent time I’ve had. Galax is a remarkable town. Everything revolves around the cigarette plant and Carter Bluewash, CEO and President, runs the place like a medieval prince. Despite being elderly and somewhat frail, he has an intensely hands-on management approach that we could all learn from.
The man loves me and he wants to put his corporation’s money where his mouth is. The GIT marketing budget is trousertighteningly gargantuan, but given the global restrictions on cigarette promotion, they have few ways of spending it. Our mission is to help them find more.
For starters, he’s given me a very exciting new product brief. Details when I get back. It’s a major challenge, but if we meet it head on there’ll be plenty more where that came from.
It gets better. Carter’s brother, Clinton, is President of American Standard Systems (manufacturers of everything from child car seats to missile-guidance software and cluster bombs, and another untapped goldmine in marketing terms). I met him at the Annual Virginia Baccy Barons’ Ball last night and he’s going to be watching our progress on GIT with interest. This has been an extremely productive trip!
By the way, if by some freak chance you should talk to Ca
roline and you happen to mention ASS, probably best to stress the car seats rather than the weapons systems. See you Monday bright and early.
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