From: Dotty Podidra
To: Paula Sterling
Sent: 12 January 2009, 11.35
Subject: Re: what happened?
OMG, he is so NOT gay. Did Janice say something fairy-phobic to him? It would totally explain why he’s so upset.
From: Dotty Podidra
To: Caroline Zitter
Sent: 12 January 2009, 11.38
Subject: I’m out here with Susi ...
... and we only want to help, Milton. Since you’re not answering the phone, we thought we’d give Cazza’s e-mail a try. Please let us in.
Dotty + Sooz xxx
From: Caroline Zitter
To: Dotty Podidra
Sent: 12 January 2009, 11.39
Subject: Out of Office AutoReply
I am in Brighton with my twins, attending Tot Tycoons: Leadership Skills for Under-Fives. If you have an urgent request please contact my assistant, Milton Keane, on [email protected]
From: Dotty Podidra
To: Caroline Zitter
Sent: 12 January 2009, 11.38
Subject:
We totally understand if you want some space. Why don’t you curl up on Cazza’s sofa and have some “me” time? Help yourself to something from the fridge. Doesn’t she always have Toblerone in there? And the second you want to talk, you know we’re here for you.
Dotty + Sooz xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
From: Paula Sterling
To: Dotty Podidra
Sent: 12 January 2009, 11.49
Subject: Re: what happened?
Att: 1 attachment: m_keane.doc
Don’t think the gay thing came up in their meeting. I really shouldn’t be doing this—client confidentiality and all that rubbish—but I’m attaching the letter that Janice got me to type. Think it explains why your friend is so upset. Tell him to try not to take it personally. She’s being an absolute b**** with everyone at the moment. This morning she told the post boy he had BO (which he does, but he’s mentally handicapped and you don’t say that sort of thing to them, do you?).
Attachment:
Re: our meeting of 12 January 2009
Dear Mr. Keane
I am writing to confirm the advice that I gave you when we met to discuss your grievance with UGG Australia.
As I explained at some length, in order for a court to find that UGG is guilty of plagiarism, it would be necessary to prove that the designer of the original UGG boot traveled from Australia to a British living room, where he or she saw your drawing on Blue Peter. Since it appeared on television in 1989 and the original UGG boot was launched in the 1950s, this would have involved time travel.
As I also explained at even more tedious length, plagiarism is extremely difficult to establish at the best of times. Making the case for plagiarism involving time travel has not, to the best of my knowledge, been attempted in a British court.
To summarize, you have no case. If you persist in believing that you do, then you possess even poorer judgment than your choice of a bilious paisley tie suggests. In conclusion, I am not prepared to represent you in this matter.
I enclose an invoice for your consideration. You will note that I have billed you at the full corporate rate of £950 per hour (plus VAT) in the hope that this will deter you from wasting the time of others in the legal profession.
Yours sincerely,
Janice Crutton
From: Janice Crutton
To: David Crutton
Sent: 12 January 2009, 12.13
Subject: peace
I have just met with one of your employees and gained firsthand experience of the frightening level of idiocy you have to deal with on a daily basis. I feel for you, David. As you probably know, I haven’t been feeling much for you lately. I’d make the most of the change of mood by getting home at a reasonable time today. Friends?
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: All Staff
Sent: 12 January 2009, 12.22
Subject: You just can’t get the staff, can you?
Spotted Milton on Caroline’s window ledge on my way back in. I applaud his dedication, but can’t we get interns to clean the windows anymore?
From: Dotty Podidra
To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
Sent: 12 January 2009, 12.23
Subject: Aaagghh!
Did you see Liam’s e?
From: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
To: Dotty Podidra
Sent: 12 January 2009, 12.24
Subject: Re: Aaagghh!
Dialling 999 now.
From: Dotty Podidra
To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
Sent: 12 January 2009, 12.25
Subject: Re: Aaagghh!
Aren’t the police already here? I’ll go and grab one from the basement.
From: Ted Berry
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 12 January 2009, 12.27
Subject: Re: You just can’t get the staff, can you?
Nice of you to pop in, smartarse. My office, now.
From: David Crutton
To: Janice Crutton
Sent: 12 January 2009, 12.28
Subject: Re: peace
Shall we have a family dinner tonight? Like we used to when the kids could be told what to do.
By the way, which one of my lot have you been dealing with? If it’s constructive dismissal or sexual harassment or some such bollocks, a) I didn’t do it, and b) you know you can’t handle it, don’t you?
From: Janice Crutton
To: David Crutton
Sent: 12 January 2009, 12.31
Subject: Re: peace
Are you trying to explain conflict of interest to a lawyer? Client confidentiality prevents me from telling you who it was. All I can say is that, in addition to being an imbecile, he seemed a bit gay. Dinner would be nice. But please, not Pizza Express—the kids are too old for wax crayons and puzzle sheets.
From: Róisín O’Hooligan
To: All Staff
Sent: 12 January 2009, 12.37
Subject: Nurr-nurr-nurr-nurr-nurr-nurr!
Oh, the excitement of a job in advertising. A shiny red fire engine has just pulled up outside. Fireman Sam has asked me to tell you to avoid using the main entrance until his mates have finished talking the gay idiot down from his perch. Frankly, I don’t know why they’re bothering. Haven’t they got cats to save?
Róisín
Reception
From: David Crutton
To: Janice Crutton
Sent: 12 January 2009, 12.41
Subject: Re: peace
I’ll see if the kids are around. Incidentally, if your Meerkat360 client was wearing a ghastly paisley tie, he’s presently being talked down from a window ledge. Nice work and handled like a true Crutton.
From: Sally Wilton
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 12 January 2009, 12.50
Subject: Help with inquiries
Can you make yourself available for a chat with DC Hindley, who’s here to investigate the missing copier (and sundry other items)? She found a betting slip with your name on it in the copy area waste bin and she wants to know if you saw anything suspicious.
From: Lorraine Pallister
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 12 January 2009, 12.51
Subject: My stuff
I dropped by your place to get my things on my way to work. I left my key on the coffee table. Thanks for leaving my brooch out. I was pretty horrible in my last e-mail. Sorry. I’m still really mad at you, but I don’t hate you. I can’t be with you anymore though. You’ve got problems that I can’t cope with. You have to get help, Liam. Not for me but for your own sake.
Lorraine
PS: Why does the spare room look like Arthur Daley’s lock-up? And why is there a photocopier in the kitchen? Does it have a microwave function or something?
From: Ted Berry
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 12 January 2009, 12.52
Subject: Final, fina
l warning
I like you, geezer, but you’re making it extremely difficult for me. To repeat what I said in my office: you’re in Last Chance Saloon and it’s almost chucking-out time. If you don’t deliver on GIT, I’ll have to do something terminal.
From: Ted Berry
To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
Sent: 12 January 2009, 12.53
Subject:
Have you seen the Corgi toy that sits on the shelf next to my D&ADs? It’s worth a fucking fortune. Have you been tidying up again?
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Brett Topolski
Sent: 12 January 2009, 12.54
Subject: It couldn’t get any worse
Worse than merely hating me, Lorraine pities me. And Ted’s given me the world’s stupidest brief and told me my job depends on it. Oh, and the cops want to talk to me. Get me a job in Dubai. I’ll do anything. I’ll clean your pool, for fuck’s sake.
From: Ted Berry
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 12 January 2009, 12.55
Subject: Forgot to mention ...
... I want you to team up with Harvey Harvey on GIT.
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Brett Topolski
Sent: 12 January 2009, 13.03
Subject: It just got worse
To make the challenge more interesting Ted’s teamed me up with Harvey Harvey. Have I told you about Harvey Harvey?
From: Harvey Harvey
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 12 January 2009, 13.11
Subject: Great news
Ted just told me we’re teaming up on GIT. Fantastic! I’ve already got a load of ideas. How about we go for a bite to eat and discuss?
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Harvey Harvey
Sent: 12 January 2009, 13.12
Subject: Out of Office AutoReply
I am out of the office until further notice (if your name is Harvey Harvey).
From: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
To: All Staff
Sent: 12 January 2009, 13.21
Subject: Missing from Ted’s office
A Chipperfield’s Circus crane (manufactured by Corgi and complete with original box) has gone missing from the display shelf in Ted’s office. Can you please look for it? It is extremely valuable and Ted would like it back.
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
Assistant to Ted Berry
From: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
To: All Staff
Sent: 12 January 2009, 13.24
Subject: Milton Keane
As you know, Milton has been taken to hospital following his ordeal on Caroline’s window ledge. He is being treated for shock and NOT for a nervous breakdown. All the vile rumors are totally out of order. Here are the facts. Milton was tidying Caroline’s office before her return when he spotted a distressed pigeon on the ledge. Out of pure compassion—and ABSOLUTELY NOT because he was suicidal—he climbed out to help the poor creature. Personally, I think he deserves a medal for bravery and not the sniggers and innuendo that he’s being subjected to. And all those people who were hanging out of windows filming him on their mobiles had better not be uploading the clips to YouTube.
And FYI, Róisín, he is NOT gay.
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
Assistant to Ted Berry
From: Brett Topolski
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 12 January 2009, 13.26
Subject: Re: It just got worse
No you haven’t told me about Harvey Harvey. (Is that really his name or have you developed a keyboard stutter?) What’s the brief?
eBay.co.uk
Chipperfield’s Circus Crane
Item specifics: Corgi toy in original box. Mint condition. Ideal for keen collector. Or extremely small circus owner.
From: Dotty Podidra
To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
Sent: 12 January 2009, 13.28
Subject: Re: Milton Keane
Well done on the all-staffer, Susi. Do you think they’ll buy it? And have you called the Samaritans?
From: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
To: Dotty Podidra
Sent: 12 January 2009, 13.31
Subject: Re: Milton Keane
Who knows if they’ll go for it? Phoning Samaritans now. I’m so, so worried about him. DC’s wife is a total mad cow. And she’s wrong. Milton definitely has a case against UGG. Anyone involved in the fashion biz (as I am) would tell you that.
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Brett Topolski
Sent: 12 January 2009, 13.32
Subject: Re: It just got worse
Yes, Harvey and Harvey really are his names. He has the unique advantage of being able to switch around first and surname without anyone being any the wiser. How do I begin to describe him? Imagine the retard bastard son of Jim Carrey’s character in The Cable Guy and Dustin Hoffman’s in Rain Man. He weirds me out to the point where I can’t be in the same room as him.
Can’t tell you about the brief. Ted made me sign a gagging order.
From: Brett Topolski
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 12 January 2009, 13.35
Subject: Re: It just got worse
Oh, you’ll tell me. You always tell me everything. You told me about the thing with the thing, remember?
From: Róisín O’Hooligan
To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
Sent: 12 January 2009, 13.38
Subject: Re: Milton Keane
My apologies, Susi. Of course Milton isn’t gay. And I’m not fucking Irish.
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Brett Topolski
Sent: 12 January 2009, 13.47
Subject: Re: It just got worse
Point taken. But if I tell you, you’d better not tell a living soul or I’ll have to murder your arse.
From: Brett Topolski
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 12 January 2009, 13.49
Subject: Re: It just got worse
Trust me. Have I ever told anyone about the thing with the thing?
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Brett Topolski
Sent: 12 January 2009, 13.59
Subject: Re: It just got worse
The brief’s for Montana. They’ve got a product without a marketing concept. Tiny-weeny cigarettes in a tiny-weeny box. They’re as slim as budget roll-ups and a lot less satisfying. I just smoked one. Two drags of fuck all. I asked TB why they’re making them. Because they can, he said. So they’ve got the technology. Shame they haven’t got a clue. But they’re determined to market them and if I don’t come up with an idea, I’m doomed.
Harvey Harvey just slipped a chain of Post-its under my door. He’s Googled midgets. He’s calculated there are thousands across Europe (especially in the former Soviet Bloc) and, assuming roughly 30% of them are smokers, there’s a ready-made niche market. He’s fucked in the head, I tell you. Trouble is I can’t come up with a better idea. Or any idea at all. Advice please.
From: David Crutton
To: Dotty Podidra
Sent: 12 January 2009, 14.11
Subject:
If you’ve finished on suicide watch, get in here and show me how to send a text.
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Harvey Harvey
Sent: 12 January 2009, 14.21
Subject: Ground rules
I’m dead happy—thrilled even—to be working with you, Harvey (I’m using your first name, by the way, and not being rude by calling you by your second), but I need to set you straight on a couple of things. I like my space. Lots of space. That means I won’t be camping out in your office. And you won’t be camping out in mine. And we certainly won’t be cooped up in those fucking beach huts. If you’ve got any ideas, e-mail them to me.
And please don’t shove notes under my door. It’s kinda creepy.
From: Brett Topolski
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