Jesus, he’s a prat. I’d kill him if I were you.
From: Lorraine Pallister
To: Bill Geddes
Sent: 27 January 2009, 13.28
Subject: Re: O’Keefe
Can’t do that.
Sent from my iPhone
From: Bill Geddes
To: Lorraine Pallister
Sent: 27 January 2009, 13.29
Subject: Re: O’Keefe
Why not?
From: Lorraine Pallister
To: Bill Geddes
Sent: 27 January 2009, 13.30
Subject: Re: O’Keefe
Cos I love him.
Sent from my iPhone
From: Bill Geddes
To: Lorraine Pallister
Sent: 27 January 2009, 13.35
Subject: Re: O’Keefe
Ah ... That changes everything.
Do your best to stay calm and I’ll try to rustle up some cash. I can get my hands on about a grand right away. Will that buy him some time ...?
Thought not.
It might be an idea if he fell out of bed and broke an arm or something, thus necessitating an extra night or two in hospital. Given your mood, perhaps you could give him a shove in the general direction of the floor.
I’ll have a serious think about solutions. Be in touch soon.
From: Róisín O’Hooligan
To: All Staff
Sent: 27 January 2009, 13.36
Subject: Liam
Got a chick from Speedo on the phone. She wants to talk to Liam. Anyone know which hospital/prison he’s in?
Róisín
Reception
From: Bill Geddes
To: Róisín O’Hooligan
Sent: 27 January 2009, 13.37
Subject: Re: Liam
Put her through to me.
From: Kirsten Richardson
To: Creative Department
Sent: 27 January 2009, 13.40
Subject: Poor, poor Harvey, may his soul rest in eternal peacitude
Though I’m as upset as all of you by the tragic news, I’m available if anyone wants a Harvey Harvey “pudding bowl” in time for this evening’s memorial do.
From: Róisín O’Hooligan
To: Bill Geddes
Sent: 27 January 2009, 13.41
Subject: Liam
Got another chick on the line for Liam. This one is from Zoggs. Sounds like a Californian religious cult, but she reckons they make swimming goggles. Want me to put her through?
From: Bill Geddes
To: Róisín O’Hooligan
Sent: 27 January 2009, 13.42
Subject: Re: Liam
Put her on hold until I’ve finished with the Speedo lady.
From: Janice Crutton
To: Dotty Podidra
Sent: 27 January 2009, 13.57
Subject:
Hi Dotty
I’m sorry to bother you at work, but do you know what’s going on with Noah? Is he really in Finland and is he injured? If so, how badly? And is David going there to bring him home? My husband has told me nothing and I am going out of my mind with worry. Somehow Noah has acquired a gay tattoo. Frankly, anything could have happened to him.
You might have sensed that David and I aren’t exactly getting along swimmingly at the moment, and I appreciate that your first loyalty is to him, but if you know anything at all, I beg you to help me out.
Best,
Janice
Sent from my BlackBerry
From: Dotty Podidra
To: Janice Crutton
Sent: 27 January 2009, 14.09
Subject: Re:
Hi Janice
David is on his way to Finland now. All being well, he’s about to take off. His flight number is BJ634 and he’s due to land in Helsinki (the capital of Finland) at 17.10. I booked him into a superior room (with separate sleep and working areas and wireless internet access) at the Scandic Marski Hotel for one night. Noah is over there, but David didn’t say anything about him being hurt.
To be honest, I wasn’t aware of any “unswimmingness” between you, but I’m sure he’ll want you to be the first to hear any news. He’ll definitely be in touch as soon as he knows anything.
He’s got his BlackBerry with him. Why don’t you try him on that?
Let me know if I can help with anything else!
Dotty
From: David Crutton
To: Dotty Podidra
Sent: 27 January 2009, 14.10
Subject:
Before I left, did I mention that if Janice gets in touch, not to tell her anything?
Sent from my BlackBerry
From: Dotty Podidra
To: David Crutton
Sent: 27 January 2009, 14.11
Subject: Re:
No.
From: David Crutton
To: Dotty Podidra
Sent: 27 January 2009, 14.12
Subject: Re:
I’m sure I did.
Sent from my BlackBerry
From: Dotty Podidra
To: David Crutton
Sent: 27 January 2009, 14.13
Subject: Re:
You definitely didn’t.
From: David Crutton
To: Dotty Podidra
Sent: 27 January 2009, 14.14
Subject: Re:
Whatever. Should Janice get in touch, don’t say anything about anything whatsoever. At all. Got that?
Sent from my BlackBerry
From: Dotty Podidra
To: David Crutton
Sent: 27 January 2009, 14.15
Subject: Re:
Absolutely. Won’t say a word.
From: Bill Geddes
To: Lorraine Pallister
Sent: 27 January 2009, 14.59
Subject: a possible solution
How do you think Liam would feel about reprising his Waterloo Bridge dive off a cliff in Acapulco? Or possibly the Sydney Harbor Bridge?
From: Lorraine Pallister
To: Bill Geddes
Sent: 27 January 2009, 15.01
Subject: Re: a possible solution
Why??
Sent from my iPhone
From: Bill Geddes
To: Lorraine Pallister
Sent: 27 January 2009, 15.02
Subject: Re: a possible solution
Just been talking to a very nice lady from Speedo. And another very nice lady from Zoggs. Liam’s dive is a viral smash, apparently, and they both want him to do it again on 35mm. Off an Acapulco cliff in Speedos. Or the Sydney Harbor Bridge in Zoggs. For money.
From: Lorraine Pallister
To: Bill Geddes
Sent: 27 January 2009, 15.03
Subject: Re: a possible solution
I’ll push him off myself if it pays enough to clear his debts. How much?
Sent from my iPhone
From: Bill Geddes
To: Lorraine Pallister
Sent: 27 January 2009, 15.06
Subject: Re: a possible solution
Auction’s ongoing. Speedo ahead on £45k. I’ll forgo my agent’s cut.
From: Lorraine Pallister
To: Bill Geddes
Sent: 27 January 2009, 15.07
Subject: Re: a possible solution
Say yes to whoever goes to £75k and will pay an advance today. Preferably cash.
Sent from my iPhone
From: Bill Geddes
To: Lorraine Pallister
Sent: 27 January 2009, 15.08
Subject: Re: a possible solution
He agreed?
From: Lorraine Pallister
To: Bill Geddes
Sent: 27 January 2009, 15.09
Subject: Re: a possible solution
Not exactly. He’s asleep. Mind you, I’m not sure they’ll want to do it once they’ve seen him without his kit on. He’s hardly the Adonis he used to be.
Sent from my iPhone
From: Bill Geddes
To: Lorraine Pallister
&
nbsp; Sent: 27 January 2009, 15.10
Subject: Re: a possible solution
Don’t worry, I already e-mailed them a jpeg, but not before I got the studio to do some Photoshop. They made him look like Michael Phelps.
FYI, Zoggs just bid £53k.
From: Ted Berry
To: Creative Department
Sent: 27 January 2009, 15.14
Subject:
I know Harvey’s death is a bummer, but the lack of effort is ridiculous. I’ve seen more industry in a crack house. Do I have to remind you how short-handed we are? Put your backs into it, guys. It’s what Harvey would’ve wanted.
From: Bill Geddes
To: Lorraine Pallister
Sent: 27 January 2009, 15.38
Subject: Update
Speedo ahead at £60k.
From: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
To: All Staff
Sent: 27 January 2009, 15.52
Subject: Memorial drink
For your information, here is the program for tonight’s celebration of Harvey Harvey’s life:5.30: Complimentary Heavenly Harvey (Orangina, warmed milk, Crème de Cassis, lime twist optional), a stunning new cocktail created by yours truly (that’s me!)
5.35: Welcoming words from Ted Berry
5.45: Dr. Who theme, performed on solo ukulele by Yossi Mendoza
5.50: Open mic eulogies
6.30: Daleks v. Cybermen, an interpretation in mime and custard pie by Mr. Fraggles
6.45: Drinks, nibbles and dancing till late!!
Please be on time.
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
Assistant to Ted Berry
From: Bill Geddes
To: Lorraine Pallister
Sent: 27 January 2009, 15.56
Subject: Update
Zoggs at £70k.
From: Kazu Makino
To: Bill Geddes
Sent: 27 January 2009, 16.06
Subject:
I’m still not speaking to you, but Don wants me to tell you we’re in the cab. ETA 30 minutes.
Sent from my BlackBerry
From: Bill Geddes
To: Lorraine Pallister
Sent: 27 January 2009, 16.08
Subject: Hold the front page!
Adidas just crashed the party. If he wears both their trunks and goggles, and jumps off the Golden Gate, they’ll give him £100k. Is it a yes?
From: Bill Geddes
To: Kazu Makino
Sent: 27 January 2009, 16.16
Subject: Re:
Tell Don I can’t wait to see him. Quite looking forward to seeing you too, even though you’re still not talking to me.
A word of warning: visually dyslexic interns have prepared a welcome home banner. They’ve made Don look like a zombie Teletubby.
I’ll do my best to be here when you get back, though I may be called away in my capacity as Liam’s agent. I think I’ve got him his first showbiz deal!
From: Lorraine Pallister
To: Bill Geddes
Sent: 27 January 2009, 16.17
Subject: Re: Hold the front page!
More Turkish troops are massing by the pay and display machine. Will Adidas pay a cash deposit today? And how high is the Golden Gate?
Sent from my iPhone
From: Brett Topolski
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 27 January 2009, 16.22
Subject:
Your concern for our mate is overwhelming. What are you doing that’s so important you can’t even send a two-word message of condolence on my loss? “Sorry, mate.” That would cover it.
You most likely don’t give a shit, but I had an e from a guy who worked here at the beginning of last year. He’s backpacking through India and he reckons he saw Vince checking into an ashram in Lucknow. Mind you, he also reckons he’s spotted Tupac, Lennon and Hendrix, so I shouldn’t set too much store by his probably stoned ramblings.
Write me, you bastard.
Brett
From: Bill Geddes
To: Lorraine Pallister
Sent: 27 January 2009, 16.49
Subject: Re: Hold the front page!
£20k down in nonsequential notes. Golden Gate 67 meters above water. And they want him fat—plays to their “impossible is nothing” positioning.
From: Lorraine Pallister
To: Bill Geddes
Sent: 27 January 2009, 16.53
Subject: Re: Hold the front page!
Jesus. 67 meters? I don’t know. Think I’d better wake him and ask.
Sent from my iPhone
From: Róisín O’Hooligan
To: All Staff
Sent: 27 January 2009, 17.02
Subject: The Jihadist ...
... is back and to be perfectly honest he looks underwhelmed. I think he was expecting a hero’s welcome, but all he’s got is a sorry banner. Whoever was planning to form the reception committee should get their butts down here and pop some bubbly—apart from anything else, I’m parched.
Róisín
Reception
From: Dotty Podidra
To: Róisín O’Hooligan
Sent: 27 January 2009, 17.05
Subject: Re: The Jihadist ...
Tell Don I’m really sorry. David was supposed to be making a speech, but he had to shoot off to Helsinki (capital of Finland). Can you keep him and Kaz amused for a couple of minutes? I’ll round up some people, dig out David’s notes and make the speech myself. He does deserve a proper welcome, doesn’t he?
Mind you, he did get a free trip to Cuba. It’s supposed to be lovely there these days!!
From: Dotty Podidra
To: All Staff
Sent: 27 January 2009, 17.06
Subject: Interns?
Any interns free to form an enthusiastic welcoming party for our returning heroes, Don and Kazu? Free champagne! And Kettle Chips!!
From: Bill Geddes
To: Lorraine Pallister
Sent: 27 January 2009, 17.09
Subject: Re: Hold the front page!
Any news?
From: Lorraine Pallister
To: Bill Geddes
Sent: 27 January 2009, 17.11
Subject: Re: Hold the front page!
He’ll do it for £150k. And he wants to wear a helmet (Adidas branded, he doesn’t mind). And he wants to meet David Beckham. Or Anna Kournikova.
Sent from my iPhone
From: Bill Geddes
To: Lorraine Pallister
Sent: 27 January 2009, 17.12
Subject: Re: Hold the front page!
I’ll make the call.
From: Dotty Podidra
To: David Crutton
Sent: 27 January 2009, 17.22
Subject:
With any luck you’re landing about now. Hope you had a great flight and that you find Noah in good shape. Let me know if I can do anything from this end.
Dotty
PS: I just read out your welcoming speech for Don and Kaz. It went down really well. All the interns loved it!!
PPS: I haven’t said a word about anything to Janice.
From: Janice Crutton
To: David Crutton
Sent: 27 January 2009, 17.23
Subject:
You’ll have touched down in Helsinki and soon you’ll be heading for the Scandic Marski. Yes, Dotty told me everything. Except what has happened to Noah. If you have any compassion at all, you’ll call me as soon as you have news. Tam has improved a lot and I’m waiting for a doctor to discharge her. We should be home within the hour.
Call me, David. Please.
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