She was all out of everything. Hope, faith, dreams, belief.
Everything.
Loneliness echoed around him like the darkness, both somehow louder than the howling storm snarling at the walls of his house like a wild beast trying to get in.
Colton wrapped the leftovers of his frozen gourmet pizza and tossed it into the fridge. Vestiges of the day clung to him like the frost on the windows, distorting clear sight.
Today heaven had given him a perception shift that he’d been praying for. Perhaps the saying was true. Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it.
He paced through the middle level of the house, shades drawn against the storm and night. A roomy, luxurious lake home, it was an excellent place to get away from the pressure and stress and unhappy mess his life had become. But there was no relaxing tonight. Maybe it was the weather; he could blame his tension on that.
But he’d learned to be honest with himself long ago. It was his conscience and his choices that ate at him in sharp, tenacious bites. He’d come from humble beginnings. He’d worked hard for his success, not for the desire of wealth or power, as much as out of a staunch work ethic and a love of what he did.
His mom had been the one who’d suggested the idea, at the picnic table over charred hamburgers. While handing him the mustard, she’d said, “There should be something better than all those violent video games. Something wholesome. And until there is, Joel, I’m banning your game box station thing from my house.”
Of course, Colt’s younger brother had complained, but it had gotten Colt to thinking. And now here he was, fourteen years later, with an eight-figure annual salary, his company’s stocks one of the hottest in the industry and his biggest problem: pervasive unhappiness. And that was taking him emotionally and spiritually in a direction he didn’t want to go.
Amanda. Meeting her—and her kids—left its impression. She’d changed his life today and she didn’t even know it. Amazing, the impact one person could have on another’s journey.
He leaned over the counter to grab the length of gold chain and a cross he’d found on the floor mat in his truck. Amanda’s. The jewelry looked as if it belonged to her—dainty but tasteful. The canned lighting overhead illuminated the piece. Something was etched into the back of the cross, the letters so small he had to squint to read them.
Believe with all your heart.
Oh, he believed. But his faith wasn’t polished and gleaming like this cross. It was dusty and tarnished, beliefs he lived and practiced in theory, enough to get by. But he’d stopped living—and believing—with his heart.
You didn’t need a heart much, not when it came to building a company. Not to succeed in a competitive, rapidly changing software and computer industry. No, that took a cutthroat mentality and endless hard work. He wasn’t much at the cutthroat part, but he was driven. So driven that work was all he had in his life. And his heart, it was as frozen over as the ground outside from lack of real use.
This wasn’t the life he’d imagined. The success was nice, he’d been very blessed with that. But he’d always thought he’d end up like most of America—married with kids, a mortgage and a minivan. But he’d been so focused on getting his company off the ground, he’d passed over the chance to be in a serious relationship. Always time for that later, he’d thought.
Now he had the time and no one he could trust. He supposed he was still hurting from his broken engagement. Two years had passed, and he’d never faced the emotional fallout from that. Feelings weren’t his thing. So he’d handled it the way he did everything—with work, work, work. That led to more success, and more money, and money could bring out the worst in people. He’d learned that the hard way.
You’re not getting what you want, man. He cupped the chain and cross in his hand and made his way into his home office. Not much here, the place was pretty sparse, but in his briefcase he had a few basic tools for emergency laptop repairs. He found a small pair of pliers and bent over the chain. One of the links had stretched open. He fixed it with a quick twist.
Done. Thinking of Amanda did funny things to his chest. Tugged on emotions he wasn’t so good at naming. He’d liked being with her. She was spunky, she had spirit and she was all heart.
Being gorgeous didn’t hurt, either.
He didn’t know what he wanted where she was concerned, but he couldn’t ignore the truth. The brightness he felt in his soul when he was with her remained, even hours later. He had a jam-packed life so full of responsibility, his laptop was still up and running, at nine-thirty on a Friday night. He didn’t know what he was looking for, only that his life had to change.
He pulled an envelope from his desk drawer. The necklace landed inside with a plink. The cross gleamed at him, catching in the light.
Like a sign.
Maybe it wasn’t so much that he needed to alter his life, as he needed to transform it. To do everything better. To be better.
And maybe he ought to stop going through the motions, especially when it came to his faith.
Dear Lord, I’ve had my eyes opened today. And I’m willing. Show me the way, he prayed.
This time he put his heart into it.
Wind scoured snow against the black kitchen window. Amanda doused her tea bag, the brisk scents of black tea, cinnamon and orange rising with the steam. Although she’d left Jessie’s side, she hadn’t let her out of sight. As she wrung the tea bag, she had a perfect shot through the house and into Jessie’s bedroom, where Vi sat at her bedside. The child had woken fretful and ill a few hours ago. It had taken all of her and Vi’s patience and care to tend her and soothe her back into a troubled sleep.
“We’ll keep her home as long as we can, Amanda,” the doctor had said. “But we can only put off hospitalization for so long. You know that. The best we can hope for is to buy a little time and to keep her comfortable.”
A little time. Please, Lord, she found the prayer rising up from her soul. Please give us more than that.
No answer came on this long heartless night.
Not that she expected an answer. Maybe God had stopped listening to her prayers.
Or, perhaps she was the one who could no longer hear. She didn’t know anymore.
Vi poked her head around the corner of the hallway, taking a step out of Jessie’s room. Exhaustion and worry had weighed down the woman’s gentle eyes and stolen the ready smile from her face. “Why don’t you take a nap, honey?”
“I can’t wind down.” Not exactly the truth, since she was drinking black tea to keep her awake, but it was true that if she tried to close her eyes, the worry would start building and make sleep impossible. “The fire needs more wood. I’ll make myself useful.”
“You need to keep yourself healthy, that’s what you need. You need to be strong for your little girl’s sake.”
“What about you?”
“I’m an experienced med-surg nurse. I worked night shift for ten years before I retired. And now I’m back on duty. It’s your turn to sleep. We’ll set the alarm if you want to get up and check on her.”
“Are you sure you don’t want a cup of tea?”
“You can’t distract me, dear. I told you. I’m a hardened veteran.” But her eyes were kind, seeing all that Amanda did not dare to reveal. “I’ll be in here keeping watch. Why don’t you take a moment? It’s a good time to pray.”
“Already been doing that.”
She’d prayed so much, she was out of prayers, too. Just repeating the same ones over and over again. Stop time. Slow time. Heal her. Save her. Find a bone marrow donor. Don’t take her from me.
Her vision blurred as she knelt in front of the wood-stove. When she opened the door, heat and a puff of pungent smoke radiated over her. She worked quietly, adding wood to the flames, so as not to wake the children. As she closed the door again and adjusted the draft, her gaze settled on the bin, still halfway full of wood.
That almost made her smile. Colt. What a lifesaver he’d been today. A total st
ranger offering his help and then disappearing back into the storm, back to his life. Right when she’d needed help the most.
Maybe God was listening after all, she realized. She couldn’t feel Him. She couldn’t hear Him. It was hard to sense anything beyond the crushing sorrow and stress in her life right now.
Alone in the dark, she bowed her head and prayed, hoping beyond hope that this time her words would rise all the way to heaven like angels’ wings and not go unheard.
Chapter Four
While it was still snowing the next morning, the blizzard had wound itself down. Colton was glad he’d ventured out. He’d never seen or shoveled so much snow, nor had he realized how picture-perfect a good winter storm could make the world. Every flaw, every shadow, every tree was draped in white. You’d hardly know Amanda’s car was broken down alongside the road, buried under a new foot of snow and the fresh castoff from the county plow.
The peaceful serenity of the morning stuck with him, even through his errands in town, so did the thought of Amanda’s car. It had sure been good and buried. He doubted she had the muscle or the free time to shovel out the sedan. Not that it was any of his business…right? He wasn’t sure why he felt that it was. Maybe because he hadn’t been able to get her off his mind.
As he crossed the street from the drugstore, which also served as a branch of the post office and a drop-off location for overnight express companies, he felt awareness trickling over him like snow.
Amanda. There she was, right across the street. Sweeping the dry accumulation of snow from the sidewalk fronting the town’s candy store. Her head was bent over her work.
There was something about her, beyond a doubt, something that drew him. With every step he took toward her, peace began like a small pinpoint and grew until it shone like the twinkling clear Christmas lights in the shop’s window behind her. Tiny crystalline flakes tumbled over her like spun sugar, haloing her blond wavy hair and glossing her shoulders as she worked, making her look even more sweet.
Yeah, he really liked her. “Hey, neighbor.”
“Colt.” She looked genuinely glad to see him. “What did you think of your first Montana blizzard?”
“It made me glad I had a fireplace and a generator when my electricity conked out.” One look at her smile made all sorts of emotions tangle up in his chest. “Are you getting along all right, you and your kids?”
“We’ve got a woodstove and a generator, too. We’re used to weather like this.”
She sounded so capable, but he could see that the circles under her eyes were darker than they’d been yesterday, the worry lines etched into her forehead a little deeper. The tangle of emotions in his chest knotted so tight, he couldn’t breathe.
“You look surprised to see me. I work here, for my uncle. He owns the shop.”
“The shop?”
“We’re very popular this time of year. Come in. We have some great specials. Chocolates make perfect Christmas gifts.”
“Sure.” He realized he was standing in front of a candy store. The rich scent of warm chocolate emanated from the door when Amanda opened it.
“Come in. Uncle Ed won’t be happy with me if I let our neighbor turn into an icicle on the sidewalk.”
What was it about this woman, that his heart tugged after hers as if attached by an invisible cord? He followed her into the cozy shop, hardly aware of the overhead bell chiming welcomingly and sugar and cinnamon scents whirling in the air like a candy lover’s best dream. All of that was background.
“Colt, let me know if I can answer any questions for you. We have all the specials on the board.”
What board? He couldn’t see anything but her. She filled his senses. He had a hard time finding the words for the question he wanted to ask. He cleared his throat and probably looked like a fool. “You getting along okay without a car? I noticed it was still on the side of the road when I came into town.”
“Yes, and it’s still buried under all that snow. Ed was good enough to pick me up for work this morning. And Vi’s staying with the kids today. Her car is four-wheel drive, so we’re doing great.”
“Not going to call a tow truck?”
Can’t afford to call a tow truck. Not until Monday—payday. Amanda bit her lip before the words popped out. Not his problem. Life had seen fit to hand her so many problems, she was determined to handle each and every one of them to the best of her ability. “I’ll get around to it soon enough. Now, we ship—”
Something gleamed in the flat of his palm. A liquid puddle of gold links and—
“The cross.” She blinked. It was still there, held patiently in his wide hand. “No, this is impossible. How could you—I mean, I thought it was lost forever.” Stop babbling, Amanda, she told herself. “I just can’t believe it.”
“I found it in my truck. One of the links had popped open, so I fixed it. Good as new.”
Tears burned in her eyes, blurring her vision. “This is too good to be true.”
“You seem pretty glad to see it. It must mean a lot.”
“This was my mom’s. Some days it feels like my only connection to her.”
“She’s passed?”
A single nod.
“Yeah, my mom, too.”
“So you know.” She felt her heart open up, usually so guarded, moved by the comparable pain in his dark gaze. She wanted to tell herself it was sympathy for his loss that made her take a step closer. In truth she didn’t know if he was the one affecting her, or if it was seeing the cross again.
“Here, let me,” he offered, lifting the links of chain by the clasp.
“Thanks, I’m trembling. It’s just—” You’re babbling again, Amanda. Her breath caught as he towered close and hooked the chain securely at her nape. He smelled great, like winter wind and fresh snowy forests. “Thank you.”
“My pleasure.” His gaze held hers, and the honest force of it left her even more paralyzed by awe.
Her soul stirred in a new and different way. Confused, she stepped back. Surely he was just being kind, again, that was all. She was letting him affect her way too deeply, but oh, it felt good to have the slight, reassuring weight of the cross at her throat. “How am I going to repay you now, after this?”
“Just add it to my tab.”
“I must be about maxed out, over my limit.”
“Not even close.”
“Then how about a box of chocolates, my treat?” She backed away. “Here, have a sample. It will tempt you into accepting my offer.”
He studied the dark chocolate cordial she held out to him in a small holly leaf patterned paper. “You play hardball.”
“That’s me.” She slipped the chocolate on its bed of paper onto the top of the display case. Slid it closer to him. “Go on. You haven’t tasted better candy. It’s Uncle Ed’s secret recipe.”
It wasn’t the chocolate that had him staying. He’d returned the necklace to her, so time for him to leave. But instead of walking out the door, like a sensible man, he accepted the treat.
Why this woman, he wondered. Why her? Maybe because he could see right through to her true spirit. She was unpretentious. She wore no veneer, no masks, just an open caring heart. He’d never been so awed by anyone.
“What do you think, Colt? Fantastic chocolate, right?”
Yep, that was the word he wanted. Fantastic. But it had nothing to do with the tastes of blissfully sweet blueberry and dark chocolate on his tongue.
Across the counter, beneath the glow of the white twinkle lights, she withdrew a box, prewrapped and topped with a gold foil bow. “Our finest huckleberry cordials. Those are our local berries. They’re like blueberries, but they’re much sweeter. They grow wild right up to our deck.”
The information was hardly registering. His senses were buzzing. His heart cracked right open, leaving him exposed and vulnerable. Not something he’d felt before, either, although he suspected he knew exactly what this feeling was.
Unaware, Amanda slipped the candy box int
o a bag with paper handles. “Huckleberries are best ripe, fresh off the bush. Last summer we could eat our fill without getting out of our chairs. This summer you can probably do the same from your deck—”
“Colt! Colt!” With a bang of the door, the jar of the bell, the sound of stampeding feet on the wood floor, Jeremy bolted into the shop, an elderly man on his tail. “Know what? I saw the new Wonder Boy comic! It’s in the bookstore an’ everything.”
“Is that right, kid?”
Amanda left the bag on the counter, listening as the boy and man exchanged speculations on Wonder Boy’s latest adventures. She didn’t miss her uncle’s quirked brow or the spring in his step as he shucked off his parka and took his place behind the register.
“Oh, I know what you’re thinking,” she muttered, keeping her voice low. “Leave the poor man alone.”
“He’s got no wedding ring.” Ed winked. “Is that the fellow Vi told me about? He’s some big important businessman. Paid cash for the O’Ryan place. Sure seems to get along with Jeremy.”
“He found Mom’s cross. That’s why he’s here. That’s it.”
“That’s not it. I saw the way he was looking at you.”
“It wasn’t me. He had his first blueberry cordial. Everyone looks like that when they eat your specialty chocolates.” Really, as if she was in any way attractive to a well-to-do bachelor. With debt up to her eyeballs, an active boy and a critically ill little girl, she wasn’t the ideal catch for any man. If her husband hadn’t been able to stay when times got tough, there was no way any other man would even look at her twice.
Not that she blamed them. “I’m doing fine on my own.”
“I know you are, pumpkin. That don’t mean that nice fellow right there isn’t the answer to my prayers for you.”
“Oh, Uncle Ed.” He could make her heart melt. “Why couldn’t I find a man as wonderful as you?”
“Every woman who comes in here asks that. It’s because of my secret chocolate recipe.” He winked, teasing, when the truth was, she didn’t know where she’d be without Ed and Vi.
A Merry Little Christmas Page 14
