“But what about the baby, Hannah? I had not even told him to expect it!”
“I am sure, madam, that he was most concerned for you. And in truth, everything happened so quickly, with so many people running hither and thither, that there was little time for discussion.”
“I want you to tell me about it. I want you to tell me what nobody else will.”
She paused and seemed to consider my request. “I can if you insist, madam. But I think that it might be better saved for another time? When you have been recovered for a few weeks maybe? When you feel more yourself?”
I wondered at this and considered the virtues of not hearing the truth until later and having more time to gather my strength. Although, in some respects, I was afraid of what had happened during my illness, I yearned and longed to have it within my knowledge. “No, Hannah, I would like to know now.”
“Very well, in that case, I beg that we dress you first.” I acquiesced in this suggestion and felt the clean sharpness of freshly laundered cotton sliding across my body.
“I got to you first, but Mr Darcy was already halfway down the stairs.” She said this and, sitting beside me on the bed, clasped her hands in her neat lap before continuing. “You were in a heap at the bottom. Nobody knows how many you fell down, but you must have knocked your head as you were not conscious of us, madam. I called to you, and you responded not. The master embraced you and spoke to you, but you did not open your eyes. By this time, a number of others had arrived—James and one of the footmen and the head housemaid. The master had sent James away to fetch a physician directly, and he continued to hold you and speak to you, asking you to open your eyes. It was then that I noticed blood upon your skirts and upon your slippers.”
“So soon after the fall?” My mind reeled, and I almost wretched from the implications of this. “What did the master say?”
“He said little at first, madam. I saw his face at the moment he saw the blood, and I believe that he was confused and anxious. As to how much he understood, I could not say. He is a man, and…well…I have witnessed a loss before, madam. I attended my sister when she lost a child, so I knew immediately. I said that I thought we needed to get you to a bed as quickly as may be. Mr Darcy agreed, and he carried you to this room, which was the nearest. We laid you out on the bed, and he cradled your head while I removed your slippers and stockings and…well…checked that the blood was flowing from you as I thought it was. It was, madam, and when Dr Tranter arrived, he did not need to be told. He asked outright how far along you were, and I quickly answered that I believed about four months. Dr Tranter warned us then that a loss at four months could be long and hard, and so it was. After a little time, you awoke, madam, but you were in grave pain, I believe. The worst part of the bleeding was a long business. Dr Tranter attended you from time to time. I remained here and dealt with the blood and tried to get you to drink small amounts of weak tea. Mr Darcy said very little, but he remained here with you, holding your hand. The master said nothing then or later except that, when the worst of the bleeding was over, he looked at me, steady like, and thanked me. I thought that he meant to thank me for answering the physician’s questions when he could not have done so, but I cannot be sure. Maybe I presume too much.”
“I am sure you do not. Oh, Hannah, how wretched I feel. How appalled he must have been to learn about my condition in that way and then to see me in such straits. To know his child was paying the price of my foolhardy actions. It was Mr Darcy who told me when I awoke that I was no longer with child, but I hardly dare to discuss it further with him.”
She said nothing more on the matter but urged me not to think on it.
***
Many days passed hence. People came in and out of my presence, and in sleep and wakefulness, I came in and out of theirs. Charlotte fed me broth and told me of the latest news from Lucas Lodge. To hear her voice was a tonic. Georgiana sat beside me, fidgeting and speaking of Pemberley. She cried on her first visit and kissed my cheek declaring, “Oh, Lizzy, I thought you were dead.” On one afternoon, I awoke to find my aunt Gardiner sitting beside me, her fingers working her embroidery, her intelligent eyes darting around. She kissed me as I woke and smiled a knowing smile.
“Aunt.”
“Lizzy. Shh. Do not tire yourself, my love. I shall stay with you for the rest of the day, and if sleep is what you need, then you should take it.”
“Oh, Aunt, I am sorry about the last time we met! I can hardly credit that I—”
“Hush, Lizzy. There is nothing for which you need apologise. Think not on the matter. Would you like some tea?”
With that, she set about pouring tea and ensuring I was comfortable. She told me the news from Gracechurch Street: how my cousins fared and how my uncle was so busy with his business that he could scarce draw breath. They had already despaired of having any time for a holiday this year and were resigned to remaining at home throughout the summer. Mr Darcy, I was given to understand, had written express to Gracechurch Street when I was ill and then visited in person once my fever had broken.
“I must say, Lizzy, Mr Darcy was very agreeable to us on his visit to Cheapside. He was all that was polite and kind, and for such an august man, well, he had no false dignity at all. It was…well, it was not quite what I had been led to expect from him after all that your uncle and I had heard from Longbourn. He and I found common ground in our memories of Lambton. Your uncle looks forward to the fishing he has been promised at Pemberley, although I understand that that must wait until next summer. We are looking forward to Christmas in Derbyshire with you very much.”
I was all astonishment. “Mr Darcy has invited you to Pemberley for Christmas?”
“Yes. Were you not aware? Are you not pleased, Lizzy?”
“Yes, of course, I am pleased. I am so thrilled that I shall wish away the year.” I sank back on my pillows and wondered at what could have wrought such a change in my husband.
Jane was my most constant attendant. She spoke sparingly of Mr Bingley’s visits, but I knew that she enjoyed them greatly. She also related the news from Longbourn—that the regiment had departed and encamped at Brighton for the summer, and that our sister Lydia, much to Papa’s vexation, had been invited to join them by Mrs Forster, the young wife of the colonel of the regiment. I could not imagine that this was wise, but I amused myself with visions of Lydia making a spectacle of herself by the sea. Fitzwilliam sat with me every day and in the evening until I slept. He had selected various books from the library that he read to me sometimes rather sleepily. We did not speak of our baby or the things we had said to each other on the day of my fall, and I did not know when we would.
Chapter Fifteen
When I expressed a wish to leave my sickroom, my husband carried me downstairs to the parlour. I was quite capable of walking, but when his strong arms came under my knees and behind my neck, I needed to feel them. I felt the old familiar desire for contact with his body and could not give it up when offered. At other times, we sat in the courtyard garden in dappled sunlight, our hands touching. We spoke little, but I found such harmony in the nearness of him that I was afraid to break the spell with words. Eventually, my old curiosity and restlessness got the better of me.
“We must have some conversation, Mr Darcy, but very little will suffice,” I said one afternoon when we sat in the garden alone.
“What would you speak of Elizabeth?”
I thought of the matter that most concerned me but could not find the courage to mention it. I ventured into safer territory. “Mr Bingley calls a great deal. When did you inform him that we were returned to town?”
“I do not believe that I ever did exactly inform him. I sent him a message that your sister was here as our guest, and it was then that he began his daily visits. I do not think that you or I have much to do with it, Elizabeth.”
I leaned over to him and
kissed his cheek. “Thank you, Fitzwilliam.”
“Not that he is unconcerned for your health, of course.”
“Of course.” I shot him a conspiratorial smile. “Jane told me of your message to her and your consent to bring all our family with her if she thought it best. I thank you for that, Fitzwilliam. It was very civil of you.”
“I hope civility is not something you ever need to ask for again, Elizabeth. When I think of my relations with your family…well…I am heartily ashamed. I never thought of how it would injure you to be so separated from them. I never considered that I would not be enough for you, and I regret that very much. I have been very selfish and full of pride where you are concerned. Of course, you must see your family as often as need and affection dictate. When you fell ill, I knew you would need your sister, and that is why I sent for her.”
“I did need her, but maybe we are all fortunate she did not bring Mama with her?”
“Well, maybe, but your mother is welcome in our home as well, Elizabeth.”
“Thank you. It is very good of you to show so much consideration to her. It shows some greatness of spirit, I think, with all that happened.”
He looked nervously down as if between breaths. “Elizabeth… I have wanted to, well, I think there are certain things we ought to discuss, but I am anxious not to tire you or make you unwell. I never thought to argue as we did before your fall, and there were things you said then which troubled me greatly and… Well, if they are true or you believe them to be true, then I have served you very ill. If you are up to it, maybe we can start with this matter of your mother. What do you mean when you say ‘all that happened’?”
It was a simple question, and I concluded in the following moment of silence that it was best met with a simple answer. We had each dissembled enough. “I mean that my mother observed you speaking with me in private, affected to have observed you kissing me, and you were thereby forced to marry me when you had intended no such thing. If you have found me a tolerable companion, then I suppose you have been lucky. Under the circumstances, I am blessed that you are a kind husband. I hope we have reached some sort of understanding and we can continue to live happily, but if you think I forget the manner in which you were obliged to do it, then you are mistaken.”
“Is that really your opinion of matters? That is how you interpret what happened in Hertfordshire? How you must have suffered all these months.”
“What other interpretation is there?”
“Well, there is the interpretation that I married you because I love you.” He paused and his words settled upon the air like a summer scent. “Almost from the first moments of our acquaintance, I came to feel for you a passionate affection and regard which, despite the position of your family as compared with mine, I could not repress. By the time of the ball at Netherfield, I was quite lost to you, Elizabeth. The thought of your being taken in by Wickham…still more…admiring him—”
“Fitzwilliam, I did not—”
“No, let me speak my fears now that I have started. The thought of your admiring him…well… I could not bear it. I resolved to speak with you at the ball, but as you know, we were soon in debate on the matter. When I took you into that salon, I had no intention of compromising you; of course, I did not. But…well, Elizabeth…in the moment your mother approached…when we were alone and I could feel your nearness, I wanted to kiss you very much. I hardly know what I would have done given a few moments more. I came to think Mrs Bennet saw something that was real even if she did not describe it exactly as it was. She is not a fool, Elizabeth, and although she was not completely truthful, she was not a liar either.”
I sank back in my chair, and my lips formed a wordless “O.”
“As you know, things developed very quickly as they always do when a gentleman believes that his daughter has been compromised. I could not blame your father for wanting the matter concluded. In any case, it suited me. I did not wish to linger with your family, whom I mistakenly and proudly considered beneath me. I also wanted you as my wife, Elizabeth. At the time, it seemed as though fate had offered me the perfect scenario. But I was wrong to act as I did. I should have courted you properly in front of your family and friends, and I should have married you after a period of engagement with your family and mine in attendance. You should have had time to have a dress made. It was my fault that you did not, Elizabeth, and I hope that one day you can forgive me my pride and arrogance.”
“What of the Bingley party? If you are in earnest, then I cannot understand why you sent Mr Bingley away.”
“Of that I am deeply ashamed, Elizabeth. Bingley’s sisters came to me early on the morning after the ball, before I set off for Longbourn. Of course, they did not know what had passed between you and me—or what was alleged to have passed between us. Your father and I had done a creditable job of hushing up the whole matter. I did this because I did not want you to be embarrassed by scandal. Of course, it also had the unintended consequence that Bingley’s sisters did not understand my entanglement with your family at that point. They had observed their brother and your sister during the ball and took the view that he was about to make her an offer. Frankly, they wanted to stop it. As I did at the time, they held a poor opinion of your family. I realise now that they were also jealous of Jane—jealous of her beauty and goodness. For my part, I suspected your mother had pushed Jane in the path of Mr Bingley. I also feared—and I am ashamed when I think of it—that were Jane to marry Bingley, it would make it harder for me, as your husband, to keep your family at bay. And so I agreed to help them persuade him to town. I am not proud of this history, Elizabeth.”
I realised he had confessed to sins he could have kept concealed, and I was greatly touched. How like him to do more than was really necessary. In any case, did I not have my own transgressions for which I must atone?
“And I am not proud of my visit to Mrs Lovelace. At least you have tried to mend the situation of Jane and Mr Bingley.”
“Elizabeth, you have been unwell, and there is no need for you to worry about Esther. She will not have been offended. Let us leave it at that. Lady Catherine is another matter. I do not really know what to do about her. I have been focusing my mind on you and your recovery. But at some time, I shall have to face her. I cannot let it pass after what she has said to you.”
“I will leave it up to you, Fitzwilliam. I cannot claim any knowledge of your aunt which would enable me to assist you.”
“No, well, I am not sure anyone would. The truth is there never was any engagement to Anne. It was all a fiction of Aunt Catherine’s mind. She always had her heart fixed on my marrying Anne, and she was angry when I married you without informing her. She wrote me a very intemperate letter, but when I wrote back, she replied she would accept you, and she hoped I would visit Rosings at Easter as normal, so I thought all was mended. Obviously, I was wrong. But still, for her to say such a thing to you and to tell you I kept another woman…well, I can hardly credit it.”
“Would Colonel Fitzwilliam have any notion of how to approach the matter?”
“I doubt it. He has never had to face up to Lady Catherine. He has never done anything that displeases her, and frankly, she is less concerned with him than she is with me. In any case, I would not share something like this with my cousin. It is too close to us—to our marriage—for him to be involved.”
“Is this related at all to your dislike for ‘Richard’ and ‘Lizzy’?”
“No. Well, yes, a little. Fitzwilliam and I have always been close. I know him, and…well, he likes you too much, Elizabeth, and in the wrong way.” He did not look at me as he said this but down at his lap. My naiveté, I realised, had been great.
“I see. You must forgive me for not catching these things. Had I ever been courted, I might be better equipped.”
His face spread with a smile, and he touched my belly. “I am court
ing you now, Elizabeth, from the safety of our marriage.”
“Of course, it may help you with your cousin should you call me ‘Lizzy’ as well. After all, Georgiana and all of my family do, and then there would be an equality of arms.”
“But I like ‘Elizabeth.’”
His voice was heavy with passion as he said my name, and I realised in that moment that it always had been thus. The air had become slightly chilly, and the light was ebbing. When I thought of the words he had spoken, I felt light in my body. My heart sang at the knowledge of his love. Tired as I was, I reached out my hand to him and touched his cheek. We had not discussed everything, but we had made a start.
“I am growing a little weary, Fitzwilliam.”
“Of course; I will take you in.”
“Thank you…but…well, since I am so much better, do you not think it time for me to return to my own chamber?” I hoped my meaning was plain.
“I suppose, if you wish it, then you should, but it is easier for Jane and Miss Lucas to attend to you in the Rose room as that is closer to their chambers—”
“But I am past the stage of requiring people to sit with me all night and…in any case…I shall have you, shall I not?”
“Yes, you shall, Elizabeth, if you want me. I…I have been worried you thought it something of a sacrifice.”
“I did not. And you cannot really have thought that, not when you know how I have given myself to you, surely, Mr Darcy?”
“Well… Since the night after the highwaymen, I have known that we…well…that we…well, I certainly have never felt more fulfilment than in your arms, Elizabeth.” He looked at me steadily but nervously and said, not quite daring to make it a question, “I hoped that you were happy when you were in mine.”
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