Chapter 25
June 2004
Rachel had given a key to Sara years ago with permission to use it, but she seldom visited when Rachel wasn’t home. She made it a point not to take advantage of Rachel’s kindness, but she needed to see Jake; she needed to remind herself that she still loved him. Turning the key, Sara let herself in and announced her presence. Upon confirming that Rachel wasn’t home, she climbed the stairs to Jake’s bedroom and quietly let herself in. She placed a few more dandelions in one of the vases and sat beside him, taking his hand and rubbing it with her thumb.
“Hey, Jake,” she finally offered. “I miss you.”
This was how she typically began their one-sided conversations. She wasn’t certain what else to say, so she just sat quietly. She thought about Kelsey Lynn and wondered what her children with Jake would have looked like. She pondered this for a while but stopped when she caught herself thinking about having children with Ellis and Phil.
“I saw Phil today,” she said. “I haven’t seen him since Melba kicked him out, but he has me worried. I feel guilty about it still. This downward spiral he’s on, it’s my fault. I guess I didn’t realize how attached he’d become. I just needed…” She stopped before saying something that could hurt Jake. “I should never have dated him to begin with. I was always yours, and it was wrong of me to move on to someone else. He was doing so well after you befriended him, and I went and ruined it because I was lonely.” She cautiously followed that up with, “But it wasn’t your fault. Don’t ever blame yourself. His turning into a drunk was my doing.”
Sara sighed and squeezed Jake’s hand before standing again. She paced the room and ultimately ended up at the window. She remembered that night when she had first snuck into this room. It was their first real kiss and the night when their romantic relationship began. She found her way to the little shelf, picked up the snow globe, and shook it. The church inside was lost in a blizzard of white. The snow brought back another wonderful memory, but she didn’t smile. She set the globe down and sighed.
She thought of those memories so often that she’d become numb to them. She told herself that she still loved Jake, and it was true, but this situation—this permanent vegetative state—it was taking its toll on her. There was very little emotion left, not the joyous kind anyhow.
But then there was Ellis. She had been putting up a good front for years, but she felt dead inside. So how was Ellis able to make her smile? Why did he have to make her feel nervous again?
Sara made her way back to the chair and took Jake’s hand. She looked at his thin, pale face and struggled to find her words. How could she tell him that she nearly fell for another man? He should know shouldn’t he?
“Jake,” she began, but her words failed her and she lowered her head.
“Two days in a row,” Rachel said from the door, “and it isn’t even Sunday.”
Sara looked up and wiped away the tears that had formed.
“Oh, honey,” Rachel said, gliding across the room in her wraithlike fashion. She held Sara for a moment before leading her to the hallway. “Let me make you some hot chocolate, dear.”
The two made their way downstairs to the kitchen, and Sara found herself seated at the small round table with a mug of hot chocolate and a pastry of some kind. She wasn’t hungry but ate it anyhow.
“I’m sorry, Rachel,” she said after a long silence.
“For what, dear?” Rachel asked.
“For coming here. You have enough on your mind.”
“You’re always welcome here, Sara. You know that. Now what’s bothering you?”
Sara didn’t answer. She couldn’t answer. How do you tell the mother of your comatose fiancé that you want to move on? Sara corrected her own thoughts. She didn’t know what she wanted.
“Sara?”
“I saw Phil today.”
“Still feeling guilty over that boy?”
“Yes.”
Rachel nodded and took Sara’s plate. She left it in the sink without washing it and returned to the table. “No matter what happened between the two of you, it is his decision to live how he is living.”
“He’s living like this because I broke his heart.”
“You broke his heart because you feared for Jake’s health, dear, out of love. It is sad that Phil was hurt by your concern for Jake, but how he copes with that pain is his own choice. Let him take the blame for his own misgivings.”
“Yes, ma’am,” Sara said plainly.
Rachel looked at Sara, who simply stared into her hot chocolate. Then she sighed and leaned back. “Sara, you didn’t come here because of Phillip Guthrie did you?” Sara didn’t answer, so Rachel made her own assessment. “I’m not blind, you know? I saw how you and that Ellis Barnes looked at each other. I saw it on that very first day, from Jake’s bedroom window. You’ve smiled more over the past three days than I’ve seen in seven years, not since Jake was hurt.”
“I’m sorry, Rachel. I didn’t mean to have feelings for him.”
“Stop right there, young one,” Rachel demanded with a stern voice. “Never have I demanded your affections for my son. It isn’t my place.” Her face softened as she leaned closer to Sara. “A person’s heart is a fickle thing, and not even the truest of person can control it. You’ve stayed by Jake all these years, save for the short time you were with Phil, and if you desire to leave once more, no one would blame you. Jake will always be here if you need him, and so will I.”
“It’s not right that I leave, Rachel. What happened to Jake wasn’t his fault, and I will be here for him for as long as it takes, no matter what.”
“Do you still love him?”
Sara looked blankly at Rachel, surprised by this question. She didn’t know how to answer it, and Rachel seemed to sense this.
“I know you do, but there might come a time, and it may already be here, when you realize you’ve grown out of love for him, or that you simply find yourself needing something more than you have.” She leaned closer to Sara and spoke just above a whisper. “When that time comes, Sara, I want you to follow your heart. Do not worry about Jake, and pay me no mind at all. We’ll get by.” Rachel leaned back and took a drink of hot tea before sighing. “You are a lovely woman, Sara. Don’t deny yourself happiness for what could have been.”
“He nearly died the last time I left,” Sara said. A sob escaped her throat as she said it. Rachel held her as she cried, but Phil wasn’t on Sara’s mind, nor was Jake. She was crying because within her was a feeling of entrapment that she could never consciously escape.
“He nearly died due to an infection,” Rachel said into Sara’s ear, “not because you left to be with Phil. I’ve told you a hundred times not to blame yourself for that.”
Sara sat back a moment later and fought for control of her emotions.
“I’m sorry,” she finally said, “but I’ll never stop loving Jake. I’ll never leave him again.”
“Then that is your choice,” Rachel said, squeezing Sara’s hand. “But I want you to know that if ever you feel compelled to go, for whatever reason, you have my blessing.”
“Thank you, Rachel.”
Rachel leaned in and hugged Sara once more. “You’re welcome, dear. You know I love you. Now finish that hot chocolate before it goes to waste.”
“Yes, ma’am,” Sara said with a forced smile. “I miss him, you know?”
“Are you talking about Jake or Phillip Guthrie? Or Ellis Barnes? You’ll have to be clearer, young one. There have been far too many handsome young men in this conversation to go on not using names.”
Sara thought for a moment before shrugging. “I suppose I miss them all.”
Cicada Song Page 26
