by J. J. Green
“MacAdam,” she said urgently into her comm. “How long?”
“Thirty-seven seconds, ma’am,” came the reply.
The anti-matter bomb had been configured to be attracted to the greatest source of energy in the immediate area. It needed no aiming to fly directly to the Shadow’s beam. Once released, it would do its job. The question was only whether it would succeed. The idea that the beam absorbed as well as dispensed energy was just a hypothesis. The Transgalactic Council scientists were also unsure that they had effectively disguised the bomb as a pulse, or that it wouldn’t explode before it reached its destination.
It was all based on guesswork. If they were wrong, it was all over.
Jas realized that she was biting the edge of her thumb and that the iron taste of blood was in her mouth. She couldn’t take her eyes off the part of the holo where the Thylacine and Shadow fighters were at battle.
“Toirien,” she exclaimed into her comm.
“It’s ready,” Toirien said.
“Fire now,” Jas blurted.
A pulse flew out from the Thylacine toward the Shadow ship. It looked the same as the others, and Jas could only tell it was the bomb because it didn’t follow the same trajectory. Rather than targeting the side of the ship opposite the beam, it flew straight toward it.
“Hey,” Trimborn said, “what’s that? Is it one of ours?”
“Pilot, reverse Raptors,” Jas barked. If the bomb worked, there was going to be one hell of an explosion.
Looking confused but obeying immediately, Kennewell pulled the ship sharply away. Pacheco stumbled due to the sudden movement.
With some relief, Jas saw that the fighter pilots had noticed the Thylacine’s motion and broken off their engagement to return to her. Jas didn’t worry about leaving them behind, despite her speed. Until the Thylacine built momentum, the fighters could fly much faster and catch up to her easily.
The other UA ships were also quickly withdrawing from the vicinity of the Shadow ship. Their captains and commanders had clearly been watching for the release of the anti-matter bomb, as their ships began to crawl steadily away.
The bomb reached the Shadows’ beam and was gone in a flash. Jas and Pacheco were the only ones on the bridge who understood the significance of the event. Jas stared at the beam, though the brilliant light hurt her eyes. One second passed, and another. The bomb should have reached the ship. It should have exploded.
Nausea rose in Jas’ stomach. The bomb hadn’t worked. They’d failed. She locked gazes with Pacheco. His dark eyes were full of despair.
Then the Shadow mother ship exploded. The Thylacine was thrown backward at ten times its earlier speed. The holo disappeared as the ship’s sensors were flooded. Jas gripped her armrests to avoid being thrown out of her seat. Pacheco was already down.
“Hull breached,” Trimborn said in a strangled tone, holding tight to his console.
But there wasn’t anything anyone could do until the force of the Shadow ship’s explosion had dissipated. They waited for the turbulent movement to ease. Gradually, the forces operating on the Thylacine diminished. Jas’ hold on her armrests loosened, and Pacheco stood up.
“Damage report,” Jas said.
“Where do I start?” Trimborn asked.
She snapped a hard look at him, and he said hastily, “Hull breached decks five through eight. Two RaptorX’s out. I don’t know about the jump engines. Not getting anything from them.”
“How about the sensors?” Jas asked. “Can we get the holo back up?”
She desperately wanted to see what had happened to the fighter ships in that devastating blast.
“External sensors are knocked out,” Trimborn said. “They’re auto-repairing, but no estimate on completion time. Internal sensors are operational.”
Krat. There was only one way she could tell if Carl had survived. When he returned to the ship, the internal sensors would pick up the signal from his chip.
She stood up. “I’ll be in my office,” she announced.
“Commander,” Pacheco said, “aren’t you forgetting something?”
“What?” Jas answered, before realizing her officers were watching and waiting for an explanation of what had just happened. “Oh, yes. We just destroyed the Shadow mother ship.”
The women and men around her gaped for a moment. They looked to Pacheco for confirmation that their commander hadn’t gone mad. When he nodded his agreement, they began to whoop and holler and hug each other.
Jas left the bridge unnoticed as her officers celebrated. She went quickly to her office. Someone on the bridge broadcast the news of the victory around the ship, and the celebrations spread.
Until Jas knew Carl was aboard the ship, she knew she couldn’t join in.
At her office, she sat and turned on her interface. The list of pilots was already on the screen. The names refreshed as the computer added the data on the pilots who had arrived the previous night. There was Carl’s name. No light was beside it.
It’s okay, she told herself. It’s still early. She couldn’t expect to see any of the returning pilots yet. The Shadow ship’s explosion must have propelled them all over the place. It might take them hours to make their way back to the Thylacine. And some of the ships would be disabled. They would have to sweep for them. Other ships might pick them up.
Jas reassured herself in this way over the next few hours as buttons lit up next to the returning pilots’ names. Sayen came to see her and watch with her, but Jas sent her away. She didn’t want any distraction from the screen. Pacheco also came in, to see what she was doing. As soon as he realized, he told her he would take over the running of the ship while she was busy. She barely heard him.
Carl didn’t arrive with the pilots who managed to return to the Thylacine under their own power.
They didn’t find him in any of their sweeps. None of the other UA ships had picked him up.
Twenty-four hours later, after a night of no sleep, Jas finally accepted that he was gone.
The Shadow War was over, and it didn’t mean a thing.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
In the days that followed the Unity Alliance’s victory in the Shadow War, Sayen had little to do. She spent most of her time worrying about Jas. The Thylacine remained at the scene of the battle, in orbit around K.67092d. The ship’s defense units and troops were planetside destroying the Shadow traps. There were many, including a large number on the ocean beds of the planet, so the task was a long and difficult one.
The rebuilding of galactic civilization had yet to begin, but the preceding mopping up process after the war was underway. The Unity Alliance ships set out to find and destroy the remaining Shadow ships and free the planets in the sector that remained under their control. The UA had to be sure the galaxy was free of the Shadow menace. After that, all sentient species would have to remain in constant vigilance to prevent them from returning from the Void and establishing strongholds again.
Jas remained in her quarters most of the time, delegating whatever tasks she could, refusing to talk to anyone. The first couple of times that Sayen had visited, Jas had been polite, saying that she was too busy or tired to talk. The third time she’d been more abrupt.
Sayen had been standing outside Jas’ cabin, speaking into her comm—her friend wouldn’t even open the door. “Jas, please let me in. I just want to talk. It helps, you know. It might not seem like it, but it does.”
“I can’t see you now,” came Jas’ reply, “as I’ve already said. Stop bothering me, Navigator. That’s an order.”
There was something in her friend’s tone that didn’t sound quite right. It wasn’t that she sounded unhappy—that was to be expected. It was something else.
“Don’t be like that,” Sayen said. “I thought we were friends. Why are you talking to me about orders?”
“Because I’m your kratting commander. Now do as you’re told.”
Sayen could hardly believe what she was hearing.
“Jas, open the door. I’m really worried about you. If you don’t open up, I’ll tell the doctor you’re sick and he’ll override your door security.”
There was no reply, but thirty seconds later, the door opened. Jas stood on the other side, fury written on her features. “What will it take to get you to leave me alone?” she spat.
Sayen reeled back, and not only from her friend’s venom. She reeked of alcohol.
“You’re drunk,” Sayen exclaimed.
“What I do in my private time is none of your business,” Jas said. “Now, will you go away?”
“No,” Sayen replied. “No, I’m not going anywhere. You need help. You can’t deal with this by yourself.”
“Oh right. What kind of help do you think you’re going to get me? What do you think is going to make me feel better?”
“Jas, don’t forget that I’ve been through this. I know how you feel.”
“You...you know how I feel? Is that some kind of joke? You think this is like you and Erielle?” She swallowed. “He’s dead, Sayen. Carl’s gone, and it’s my fault. I sent him out there to die. So unless you killed the person you loved, you have no idea how I feel, and you have no idea what’s going to put things right. Nothing can bring him back and nothing can change what I did.”
“What? You didn’t send him to—”
The door slid closed. Sayen called Jas through the comm a few more times, but her friend wouldn’t answer.
Sayen wasn’t sure what to do. If Jas wouldn’t talk to her, she didn’t know who she would talk to. She didn’t want to tell the admiral what was going on—he would probably relieve Jas of her duties and her duties might be the only thing keeping her going.
In search of advice and someone to share her worries with, she went to see the only other person aboard who really knew Jas. Maybe together they could figure out how to help her.
Toirien MacAdam was working in the jump engines, running point by point diagnostics, the second engineer said. Sayen went to an engine access hatch and climbed down the narrow ladder. As she went, she was strongly reminded of the time that she, Jas, and Carl had hidden from Shadows in the engine of the Galathea. It seemed like another lifetime.
Her vision blurred, and she blinked to clear it as she remembered Carl. She hadn’t even had a chance to see him when he came aboard the Thylacine. Though it had been five years since they’d parted at Ganymede Station, her affection toward him hadn’t lessened. He’d been like a brother to her. Jas wasn’t the only one grieving over his loss.
Within the access tunnels to the huge jump engines, the ship’s noises were cut off. Sayen heard Toirien’s footsteps in the quietness as she walked the steel mesh floor. By following their sound and calling her name, Sayen soon found the engineer.
Toirien listened carefully to Sayen as she explained the situation. She turned to the control panel she was working at and pressed some keys before answering.
“Well, it’s certainly strange how things turn around,” she said.
“Huh?”
“The last time Jas Harrington and I were working aboard the same ship, it was me who was getting drunk, and worse.”
“Seriously?” Sayen said. Toirien had told her of her former addictions, but she hadn’t said she’d continued them aboard ship. “Did Jas or Carl know?”
“Oh yeah. Jas knew. She found me off my legs in my bunk one time. Outraged, she was, and rightly so. Everyone was relying on me to get the Galathea’s engines working again. The only problem was, I knew it. I couldn’t take the pressure. And I missed my girls. I...well, it’s a long story. It just strikes me as an odd coincidence that mine and Jas’ circumstances are the other way around now.”
“So...what changed?” Sayen asked. “What helped you give it up?”
“Ha.” Toirien smiled wryly. “I don’t think what helped me is going to be of any use to poor Jas.” She returned her attention to the control panel.
After Sayen had waited expectantly for a moment or so, Toirien relented and said, her face reddening, “It was a myth run.”
Sayen’s eyes widened. “You were a myth addict?”
“Not exactly. That takes serious creds. But old Loba was, and after he died, his stash was found and distributed around the ship. I got a hold of a dose. I was as low as I could go. And...” Her face went redder still. “You know, now that I come to think of it, I’ve never told anyone this.
“I went on my myth run, and I had a strange dream. I was floating in bliss, when some beautiful creatures came to me. They took me to my daughters, who were much younger in my dream than they were at the time. They were the same ages they had been when I’d last seen them. I was so happy to be with them again. Then, the strangest part of the dream was that my eldest told me I was being stupid. She said there was nothing wrong with the engines, and that it was only my doubting myself that was holding me back.”
Sayen’s eyes grew wide and her jaw dropped. “And was it true?”
“It was true. I hadn’t trusted myself to interpret the readings I was getting from the engines. They were fine. I hadn’t believed the evidence of my eyes. When we tried them, they worked. Carl got us off the planet, and we were saved.”
“I remember,” Sayen exclaimed. “Carl told me you thought the engines wouldn’t start because we were on emergency power after the crash. But as far as I can remember, Jas only said that you finally figured out that the engines were okay.”
“I don’t think she knew any more than that. It wasn’t like I went around advertising what I’d done.”
Sayen sighed. “It’s an interesting story, but I think you’re right. A myth run isn’t gonna help Jas. That isn’t going to help her forgive herself.”
“No. I’m sorry, I don’t know what to suggest. Maybe with time she’ll start to get over it. It’s early days. The wound’s still raw.”
“Yeah, maybe,” Sayen said, but from what she knew of Jas, she wasn’t sure that was likely to happen.
Sayen thanked Toirien for her time and climbed out of the access tunnels. She decided she would try one more time to talk to Jas and persuade her to see the doctor. If she refused, Sayen would tell the doctor herself. Jas needed help, whether she realized it or not. She headed toward her friend’s quarters once again.
But she found Jas before she reached her destination. Her friend was standing in a corridor with her back to a wall. Now that Sayen could see her under the bright overhead lights, she saw that Jas looked worse than she’d ever seen her. She looked like she hadn’t eaten in days. Her facial bones jutted out of her skin and her clothes were loose on her body. Her hair was a mess. Her lips were pale, and her eyes were sunken in their orbits. They had a strange, faraway look.
“Jas?” Sayen said. “Did you change your mind? Are you going to see the doc? Do you want to talk?”
Her friend didn’t reply. She was looking at her as though she didn’t know who Sayen was. Then her gaze shifted straight ahead of her to the opposite wall of the corridor.
Except it wasn’t a wall. It was an airlock.
Sayen’s heart froze. “Jas, hun. What’re you fixing to do?” She took a step toward her friend. Jas slid an equal distance away along the wall. She was looking longingly at the airlock door. Sayen’s throat was constricting. Could she stop her friend from going into the airlock if it came to it? She probably could, but she didn’t want to take that risk.
Her heart sinking, Sayen lifted her comm button to her lips and, not taking her eyes from Jas, she called Admiral Pacheco.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
“You can remain in your quarters for the time being,” Pacheco said. “Unless you’d rather stay in the sick bay? There would be people around you, and you wouldn’t be alone. The doctor could monitor you better.”
Jas was on her bunk. Her feet were on the floor and her head was down. She barely heard what the man was saying. She was in civilian clothes, having been relieved of duties for an undefined length of time.
“I really think
it would be a good idea for you to stay in the sick bay,” Pacheco said.
Why wouldn’t he leave her alone? She wished they would all leave her alone. She couldn’t be around people. It hurt too much. Everything hurt too much.
“Jas?”
She shook her head. “M’okay.” The sedation was making it hard to speak, and she could hardly think. But then again, maybe that was a good thing.
“Right,” said Pacheco. “As long as you’re sure. You are sure you’re feeling better?” 'Better’ meant that she wasn’t going to airlock herself. Everyone wanted her to be 'better’. Jas didn’t want to be better. All she wanted was Carl back, or to never have sent him to his death.
She mustered her concentration. “I’m okay. Really.” Anything to make the man go away.
Pacheco moved toward the door. “I’ll leave you for a while, then. Navigator Lee will be along to see you soon, in case you need anything.” He paused. “Jas, I’m sorry. You waited for your pilot for so long, he must have meant a lot to you. When I saw him coming out of your cabin, I could have put him in the brig. That would have kept him out of the battle. It would have been easy enough to think up a charge. I could have protected him for you, but I didn’t. I didn’t even think of it. I guess I was just too wrapped up in myself.”
At the edge of her vision, Jas saw Pacheco’s legs and feet at the door. She wished he would leave. Didn’t he understand that she had enough of her own what ifs to occupy her forever? She didn’t need his too.
Finally, he left.
Jas lay down on her bunk and curled up on her side. After a long time, during which Sayen arrived to check on her, she slept.
When she woke up, she felt terrible. Slivers of pain stabbed behind her eyes, her tongue was thick in her mouth, and her throat ached. She wondered if it was a side-effect of the sedation. She sat up, wincing as the movement caused more pain to dance behind her eyes. Her eyelids squeezed to slits, she checked the time. She’d been asleep around four hours. It was the quiet shift aboard the ship. Most everyone would be asleep.
