I had always loved to dance, but for so long it had just been a hobby for me. Only after I had started dancing with Matty had it turned into something more than that—a love of performing. With Matty firmly out of the equation, I wondered just how much I wanted to be in a company at all. He and I were the perfect partners in so many ways. When we danced together, we were better than the sum total of our individual abilities. He could manage my height, the extra pounds that came with it, and my overactive sweat glands like nobody else. He encouraged me when I was frustrated, coached me through my stage fright, and pushed me when I was tired. I, in turn, pulled emotion and technique from him that he'd never thought he was capable of. We had been the perfect pair.
But our duo was forever separated.
With that final thought, I pulled into the parking lot of the newly built facility and made my way inside. I could have used some of Matty's encouragement to force me into the studio that night; my nerves were getting the better of me. But I eventually did make my way in, squeaking through the doors just as they were being closed, shutting us all in with our competitors and the instructors.
My recently broken heart raced with anticipation.
Chapter 21
“So...how did it go?” Cooper called from the kitchen when I entered the apartment. His back was to me, shrouding whatever it was he was up to in there. When he finally turned around, he wore a childlike grin as he presented me with a cake from my favorite bakery—a congratulatory cake.
Too bad congratulations were far from in order.
When I burst into tears, Cooper realized that maybe things hadn't gone as well as planned. Putting the cake aside, he ran over and ushered me to the couch where the others had gathered, presumably awaiting the news as well. Janner gave up his seat for me, giving me a pat on the shoulder as he passed by. It was better than a hug, which would only have made things worse.
“I completely bombed the audition,” I said, sniffling hard between my words. “I don't think I could have made a bigger ass of myself if I had tried.”
“I'm sure it wasn't as bad as you―”
“It was,” I snipped, cutting Cooper off. “I'm not looking for a pep talk. I'm stating the facts. It was that bad and worse. Not only did I let my nerves and emotions get the best of me, but I was also too tall and heavy for any of the guys to partner. I swear none of them were over 5'7”. To top it all off, I was asked if I could lose ten or fifteen pounds, should I make the cuts, which is laughable given how ineptly I performed when the time came.” I sighed, dropping my head toward my knees. “Maybe it's for the best, really. Dancing is for normal people—humans. Perhaps that chapter of my life needs to be closed. The Universe does like to try and drive a message home. I killed my dance partner, remodeled my studio into an apartment, and botched a relatively easy audition. Maybe it's trying to clear my slate for the next supernatural event that will inevitably schedule itself at any moment.”
Pairs of saddened eyes met mine when I surveyed the group. They all knew sacrifice, some far more than others. Realizing that, I felt rather shallow and petty. It was just that this was another blow that I wasn't ready to take, and I was ill-prepared for it. First Sean, then dance—I wasn't sure I wanted to know what heartache lay behind door number three. I chose not to entertain any ideas. The Universe didn't need my suggestions, creative bitch that she was. She was plenty capable of handing out unwanted scenarios without me conjuring up potential ones for her.
“Ruby,” Alistair started gently, wrapping his arm around my shoulders.
“Ali, I can't,” I replied, jumping up from the couch. Another crying outburst threatened to escape to me. “It's fine. Honestly. It's not like I have a place to practice anymore, anyway. I want you guys to live here and had to give that up because of it. I wouldn't change that.” I forced a sad smile to let him know that I didn't blame them for the loss of my studio. It had been my suggestion in the first place. “I think I just need to be alone for a bit,” I said, walking off in the direction of my bedroom.
“I'm not sure that's a good idea,” Cooper declared, his voice taking a somewhat serious tone. His alpha tone.
“I won't be in there for days, I promise,” I reassured him. “I just need to wrap my head around a few things.”
“Sean called my cell phone again while you were gone,” he informed me. His words brought me to a grinding halt. “I'm not sure you can ignore him forever, Ruby. In fact, I'm pretty certain you can't.”
I turned slowly to face him; any ounce of shaky resolve I had mustered disappeared in an instant.
“Oh, I can,” I told him, my voice as detached and cold as Sean's could be. “And I will.”
His expression fell.
“Not about this, Ruby. He was calling about business, not you. Something about Alan.”
“Oh.”
“What happened between you and Sean, Ruby?” Cooper pleaded, following me when I turned to continue on toward my room. “I can't help if I don't know.”
“You couldn't help even if you did,” I muttered, opening my bedroom door.
“Will you stop for a second?” he barked, slamming his palm against the closing door. “Remember how this used to work? You used to tell me everything, and we used to fix it. Together.”
“And we went over this the other morning. Things aren't like they used to be anymore.”
“Well, about this, they can be,” he said firmly. “I mean it, Rubes. I need to know. You and Sean being on the outs affects us all. If you're no longer in the know, then neither are we. That's something we need to account for as a family. As a pack.”
“Fine,” I grudgingly agreed, looking past him to see a huddled mass of werewolves clustering around the entrance to my room, hovering just behind him. “But I'm only telling you. After that, you can decide what to do with that information.”
“Deal.” He turned to face the boys and Lyla, dismissing them without a word. I listened for the sound of the apartment door closing and multiple sets of feet ascending the stairs to the work in progress above. Once the power tools fired up, I figured our conversation was as private as it was going to be.
“Sean killed Arianna,” I said bluntly. With Cooper, the whole truth was going to surface anyway, so I figured I'd just drop the bomb and get the conversation over with as quickly as possible.
“What?” he asked, disbelief plain in his tone.
“He killed her. Not long after I Changed. I don’t know what to do with that information, Coop. She was the one thing in my life that kept the balance—that made things tolerable even when they weren't. She was the mediator between my parents and me when things were really bad,” I told him, pausing for a moment to compose myself. “She was everything to me.”
“Ruby.” He said my name as though it was, in itself, an apology for what he was about to say. “There has to be an explanation for this—”
“Christ, Cooper! What kind of explanation do you need?”
“How did you even find out about this? Did he tell you?”
“No. And the how isn't important. What is important is that he did it. I can't look past that, Cooper. I just can't.”
“You need to talk to him, Ruby. I just think there has to be more to the story.”
I wheeled around to find him looking at me solemnly. The sarcastic expression I had hoped to find was missing entirely.
“Cooper, he killed her. In cold blood. He's the reason she's gone.”
“Is that what he said?”
“Yes.”
“Did you let him explain? Could he even get a word in edgewise? You're really not so stellar at letting that happen when you're pissed off.”
“I didn't have to, Cooper. The guilt on his face was plain. He knew he'd fucked up.”
“Ah, yes. And that should be the final nail in the coffin, right? Someone looking remorseful for an action they committed in the past that they didn't know would hurt you in the present. That makes perfect sense.”
“Why are you
being such a dick about this? He took her from me. She was all I had left.”
“And do you think he knew that? Is that what you really believe?” he asked, hovering over me angrily. “Sean may not be my favorite guy, Ruby, but even I don't believe for a second that he would have hurt her if he'd known about her connection to you, and I don't believe that you do either. Not unless it was because of something dire. The outcome may or may not have been the same, but he wouldn't have just offed her without so much as a thought if he'd known you were somehow linked to her. Not even if it was back before he really knew you.”
For the second time since I had stormed out of Sean's apartment that night, I doubted my actions, if only slightly.
“I think he killed my parents too,” I said softly, unable to look at my alpha.
Silence.
“Think or know?” he asked, his voice as quiet as mine had been.
“Will I ever really know? Short of video footage, it's not like I'll get to see with my own eyes what happened that night.”
Would that make it better, Ruby? To see what was left of your parents?
“What the fuck?” I shouted at her, turning around the room as though I would find her standing somewhere. “You too? You of all people are giving Sean the benefit of the doubt?”
“Oh shit,” Cooper muttered under his breath. “Here they go...”
I'm simply stating that you shouldn't hang someone for an act you don't know he committed.
“Do you know who killed them?” I snarled at my other half.
No.
“Then pipe down.”
But I do know that it was not him. I was there, remember?
“Fine. Let’s just say Sean didn't kill my parents, but that does little to change things.”
“Why not?” Cooper asked, jumping back into the conversation.
I sighed heavily, my frustration and anger exhausting me after an already trying day. I wanted to agree with Cooper's point; I did. But the pain of Arianna's death was just too new. Too raw. Reason was far out of my reach.
“How can I look at him, Cooper? How can I look at someone who did what he did, let alone love him?”
“How do you look at me?” he asked soberly. “How can you love me?” His questions brought forth a sadness in his eyes while he ran his hand softly down my cheek. “Look at all I've done. For fuck's sake, Ruby, you nearly died because of me―by my own hands, no less―and yet you still love me. You never even thought twice about it.” He was getting agitated while he continued to recount his past affronts, pacing my room just as Sean had the night he returned to me. “You know everything: the drugs, my past, what I did for the pack in Utah...”
“Right. And none of that was your fault, Cooper,” I argued, stepping into his path to stop him from pacing. When he came to stand toe-to-toe with me, I wrapped my arms around his waist and buried my face in his chest. “You had to do those things.”
“And maybe it wasn't Sean's fault either, Rubes. That's all I'm trying to say. You know as well as I do that his place in the PC comes at a price. How can you look beyond everyone else's past—Lyla's, the boys', even mine―but never his? His demons are the one thing you can't seem let go of even after you promised him you would. It's not right, Ruby. It's not fair to him. If you can forgive our sordid histories, why can't you forgive his?”
And like a freight train, his truth mowed me down, leaving me wounded but in an entirely new way. Although my heart still hurt knowing that Sean was the one to kill Arianna, why had I not realized that it wasn't done to take her from me? It wasn't intentional—or calculated. His loyalty and sense of duty were two of the things that I loved about him most. Why, at the first sign of those traits taking an unfavorable turn, did I run from him screaming, as though I had no clue that he had had to do terrible things to maintain the balance?
A punishing guilt overcame me.
People are always hardest on the ones they love most.
“Are we done for now?” I asked, wanting to escape Cooper's scrutiny.
“Yeah, we're done, but I want you to think about what I said. You need to hear his side, Ruby. Really hear it, without assuming things. Extract yourself from the equation and see how the variables add up,” Cooper said softly, running his hand down my face. “I'm not saying that you need to forgive him, but you do need to give him the chance to defend himself. You owe him that at least.”
I nodded once on my way to the door, carefully wiping away the tears that had escaped the confines of my eyes.
“I have to use the bathroom.”
“Fine. I'm going to go check on the kids,” he replied, following me out of my room.
“Are you going to tell them?”
“Maybe. But it can keep for a while.”
“Thanks.”
“No problem.” He continued down the hall while I turned into the bathroom. “And, Ruby?”
“Yeah, Coop?” I replied, popping my head back into the hallway.
“You'll always have me to come home to. No matter what.”
With another quick nod, I closed the door, locking it behind me. Resting back against the thick wood, I closed my eyes and wondered—really wondered―if I could do what Cooper was suggesting and not only forgive Sean, but forget too. After the riot act Cooper had just read me, I wanted to. I really did. But something kept niggling at my mind. Something I just couldn't let go of.
Until I had answers to the questions surrounding the night Arianna died, my mind would never know peace.
And my heart would never forgive Sean.
Chapter 22
I woke up the next morning to a revelation. I could spend the rest of my days moping around and feeling sorry for myself, or I could pull my head out of my ass and get on with my life. I had chosen to leave, and regardless of how justified that decision was, it caused me pain. But that was my doing and nobody else's. Since I had made that choice, I would live with the consequences, but those consequences and I needed to learn how to coexist in a healthy way, and fast.
I threw back the covers with a renewed sense of purpose and headed for the bathroom. I needed to wash off the sweat from the day before, as well as my thick coating of self-pity. It wasn't serving me well, so it had to go.
On my way to the bathroom, I passed Lyla as she exited Cooper's room. I was startled by her emergence, wondering exactly what had been going on in there until I remembered that was where she was temporarily residing. I peeked into the living room and found Cooper sacked out on the couch.
Yet another example of me jumping to faulty conclusions.
With a weak smile, I made my way to the bathroom. Just as I was about to shut the door, Lyla lightly stopped it, looking at me curiously.
“Are you feeling better?” she asked genuinely.
“Yeah,” I replied, feeling the veracity of my answer course through me. “I think I am.”
“That's great, Ruby. Really.”
“It feels pretty great, Lyla. Thanks for asking.”
“You're welcome. Do you want something to eat? I was going to make breakfast.”
“That'd be amazing. You're a saint.”
Her eyes narrowed defensively for a moment before sadness crept in to soften the effect.
“Hardly, but I'll make sure there is enough for you too.” Before I could apologize for hurting her feelings, she walked away to the kitchen, her aura of self-disgust trailing behind her.
I closed and locked the door, not wanting a repeat performance of Alistair walking in on me naked because he had to pee and didn't believe in knocking. He still hadn't apologized for that affront, not seeing the big deal since I'd seen him totally nude before. Werewolves had no shame when it came to their birthday suits. Sadly, I still did.
But I wasn't really a full-blooded wolf either.
Letting the water run, I tried to sort through the implications of what Gavin had told me. However, I lacked enough information to really make sense out of anything. How two fey had made a notoriously l
ethal werewolf seemed genetically unlikely, if not impossible, and yet it happened. More than once. It became clear pretty quickly that I still needed answers from Gavin. But it seemed as though he had disappeared. My best-case scenario was that he was in hiding. My worst case was that he didn't get my message quickly enough and Sean had found him first. I really hoped that he knew to get away. I didn't need any more blood on my hands.
And, selfish though it was, I still wanted answers. In an attempt to distract me from my thoughts, I focused on what I wanted to do that day. I craved a sense of normalcy in the worst way possible. Normalcy used to mean dance, but that was not an option for me any longer. Work was normal, but I just wasn't up for it, and beyond that, returning would have taken away Alistair's get-out-of-construction-duty pass that he'd been so happy to utilize for the past few days. He would have been devastated. So it was on to Plan C: Kristy. She was probably the most normal person on the planet, and I adored that about her. I hadn't seen her in far too long, and I thought that a day out together, raiding the flea markets of Boston, would remedy that oversight beautifully. It was impossible not to be happy in her presence.
With a smile on my face and a plan in mind, I hopped out of the shower to prepare for a day of girly shenanigans.
When I emerged from the bathroom minutes later, wrapped fully in one towel with another snugly surrounding my head of curls, I smelled the aroma of the most amazing food from the kitchen. It seemed as though I had scored yet another cook to add to my menagerie of foodies. I supposed it was a good thing, given that I had just eliminated one from my life.
The thought gave me pause and threatened to undo my new resolve, but I stopped that feeling in its tracks. It was going to be a happy day even if it killed me. Aggressive optimism was my new M.O.
I bopped down the hall to find Lyla hovering over the stove much like Cooper did. It made me smile. She looked at home there, which was such a stark contrast to what I knew of her past. The stripping homemaker seemed contradictory, but I had to remind myself that she hadn't been a “dancer” by choice. I knew all too well what it was like to do things out of necessity, regardless of how those actions rated on my moral compass. Thinking of her and judging her behaviors by what she had once done was not only rude, but also horribly hypocritical. Scolding myself internally, I turned to go to my room and get dressed. Breakfast could wait; I had a phone call to make and a text to send.
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