by Chloe Walsh
"He was protecting me!" I screamed. "See this?" With trembling hands, I pointed to my face. "I was attacked, Jordan…I was almost –"
"Don’t lie for him!" he roared into my face, his bleary, green eyes unblinking and locked on mine. "It won't change my mind."
"I'm not lying!"
"All you've been doing is lying to me," he countered. "Why would now be any different?"
"I'm not fucking lying!" I snarled. "David's back. He sent a man after me who tried to… if Hunter hadn't stopped him then I wouldn’t be here!"
"If that's true then why didn’t you go to the cops?" he demanded. "If it was self-defense."
"Because I…" my voice trailed off and I flinched before admitting, "I was afraid of losing him."
"Well, looks like you're going to lose him either way."
"Why are you doing this to me?" The question was ripped from the deepest part of my heart. How could he do this to me? Did he hate me this much? "Why, dammit?"
"Because I love you enough to protect you from him!"
"Hunter would never hurt me."
"Never hurt you? He's destroying you, Hope!" He shook his head in disgust. "You know what you are to a man like him, don’t you?" he spat. "His whore."
"I don’t even know who you are anymore," I whispered, paling.
"That makes two of us." He reached into his jeans pocket and pulled out his cell and swiped his thumb across the screen. "You'll thank me for this one day."
"If you love me," I strangled out, panic consuming me. "If you have ever loved me, you won't do this."
"It's because I love you that I'm doing this," he hissed.
And then he pressed the phone to his ear.
"Jordan, please," I cried, dropping to my knees. "I will do anything – anything, dammit…" Reaching up, I snatched the phone out of his hands and pressed end before quickly tossing it away. "Just don’t do this…please!"
The fear of the unknown, the fear of Hunter's future, of him being taken away from me, it was crushing me. Ruining me.
The lies we were drowning under were a shared burden.
The blood on his hands was on my hands, too.
I couldn’t let this happen.
I would not watch him be taken away in handcuffs and serve time for this.
I refused to.
I would protect him at any cost.
"Anything," I repeated, staring up at the man I had spent most of my life loving. "Whatever you want." That love had dwindled over time, but I never stopped. "Jordan, I am begging you." It just wasn’t the same love anymore. It wasn’t romantic love. "Please," I breathed. "Please."
His green eyes burned holes straight through me as he said, "Leave him," in the coldest tone of voice I'd ever heard him use.
The ground fell out from beneath me.
Stunned, I could do nothing but press my fingers to my temples and try to make sense of this. But I couldn’t. "What?" I croaked out hoarsely.
"You said you'd do anything to keep him out of prison," he shot back flatly with a tight shrug. "I want you to cut all ties with him."
"Jordan –"
"I mean it, Hope," he snarled. "He's bad for you. Jesus Christ, messing around with a man like him could get you killed!"
"He would never let that…I can't just…" Shaking my head, I sagged back on my knees and whimpered, "I love him."
"And I love you," Jordan deadpanned. "Which is why I'm giving you this – giving him an out."
I watched Jordan walk over to the bed we shared and sink down on the edge.
Meanwhile I remained exactly where I was; on my knees on the floor.
Breathing hard and fast, I placed my hands down in front of me and forced myself to inhale deep, slow breaths.
For twenty-seven years I had given this man my unconditional love and support. I knew I screwed up. Falling in love with another man was the worst possible thing I could have done to him, but this? What he was doing to me now? The position he was putting me in? It was so much worse. Years of lies, secrets and abandonment; I had forgiven them all. Brushed his mistakes under the rug and plowed on because I knew he was a good person. Because I loved him. But right now, the only emotion I felt for Jordan Porter was hatred. He was dangling Hunter's future over my head like a carrot and forcing me into a 'damned if I do and damned if I don’t' situation.
If I said no, Jordan would call the police.
If I told Hunter about Jordan's ultimatum, he would eliminate the threat. He would kill him. And as much as I hated Jordan in this moment, I still loved him. He was the boy I'd grown up loving. I couldn’t allow anything to happen to him either.
I had no choice here.
"And what happens then?" I croaked out. "What happens if I send him away?"
"Then we'll figure it out." I watched him clench his jaw, back stiff, expression set in a hard line. "We'll try and find a way to move forward from it."
"Move forward?" I shook my head, refuting his words. "Jordan, I'm in love with another man… there's no moving forward for us –"
"Try," he snapped, interrupting me, tone hoarse. "You loved me once and we were happy." He reached up and pinched the bridge of his nose before releasing a weary sigh. "We can find that place again, Hope."
"Happy?" Tears poured down my face as I gaped at him. "Jordan, I haven't been happy with you since high school."
"Don’t say that," he choked out.
"It's the truth," I whispered, pleading with the man who housed the boy I knew would never do this to me. "Let me go."
"I can't," he whispered numbly. "If you leave, I have nothing."
"Jordan, staying here isn’t doing either of us any good… God, you can't even stand to look at me."
"I'm mad at you. I hate what you've done to us, to me. I'm in pain. I'm fucking furious with you, but that doesn’t mean I've stopped loving you." He was trembling all over as he said, "Have you? Have you honestly stopped loving me?"
"Of course I still love you." Tears poured down my face, my admission the hardest one I'd ever told. "Just not in the way a wife is supposed to love her husband." I shook my head and choked out a sob. "Hurting you was the last thing I ever wanted to do. But If I stay," I strangled out, "if you force me to stay, then I'll end up hating you."
"Then you can hate me for the rest of your long, safe life," he shot back wearily. "At least I'll know I did everything I could to protect you from a short life with him."
"Jordan, I know you're hurting," I cried as a raw, guttural sob tore through me. "I know I've done that to you, but please, think about this. Please. I am begging you not to make me do this –"
"Walk out that door and send him away," Jordan ordered, standing up. "Make it real and make damn sure he believes you, because if I ever catch you near him again… if I ever see you with that murdering bastard again, I swear to god, I'll lay it all out there, Hope. I'll have him locked back up in a cage so fast you'll –"
"Okay!" I screamed, covering my ears with my hands. "You win."
"I win?" he repeated, tone laced with pain. "I never win, Hope. Never."
With that, he turned around and walked out of the room.
The moment the bedroom door closed behind him, I crumbled to a heap on the floor.
Fighting my feelings had become the norm for me.
Lying about everything in my life was perfectly acceptable now.
I was disgusting.
I knew it.
What I knew I had to do?
It was so cruel.
So fucking nasty.
But watching Hunter being taken away from me was the one thing I couldn’t do.
He was going to end up hating me.
They all would in the end.
And I had no one but myself to blame.
For all of it.
****
Chapter Seventeen
Lucky
I knew something was wrong before she came outside.
I had a horrible fucking feeling in the pit of my stomac
h and a keen ability to sense trouble.
I was experiencing that godawful feeling of nervousness and I didn’t fucking like it.
I wasn't a nervous person as a rule, it just wasn’t an emotion I had the need to feel, but Hope Carter seemed to have the power to knock me on my ass. The longer she spent inside that house, the more it grew inside of me.
She made promises last night; promises of love and loyalty.
I knew she meant them then.
It was easy to make plans when the danger wasn’t present.
But now she had to face her demons.
I knew facing him wouldn’t be easy for her.
They shared a bond I would never understand.
I could only hope that she followed through.
Followed her heart.
Leaning against the side of my truck, I watched as she stepped out of the house and closed the front door behind her.
Empty handed.
My heart hammered against my chest as Hope carefully approached me, and I made a mental note of the despair in her eyes and the way she had her arms wrapped around her middle.
Not good.
Her eyes were swollen from crying, her nose was bright red, and she was hiccupping uncontrollably as she tried to stem her tears.
Immediately, my hackles rose.
If he fucked her over, I was going to lose my ever-loving mind.
Yeah, Hope and I had gone behind his back, and I held my hands up for that – it was on me – but Porter couldn’t talk. He'd made a goddamn career out of fucking this woman over.
"What happened?" I asked when she reached me. Tossing my cigarette away, I moved to touch her, but she quickly backed away, out of reach. "Sweetheart?"
"I can't," she began to say, then choked out a huge sob. "I'm sorry, Hu-Hunter, but I…I can't go…" Sniffling, she wiped her nose with the edge of her sleeve. "I need to s-stay here," more sniffling, "and f-fix my m-marriage."
And there it was.
Like I'd always known deep down.
His hand of cards was stronger than mine.
She would never leave him.
"Stay here," I deadpanned. "With him."
"Don’t hate me," she sobbed. "Please, don’t h-hate me."
The burning sensation spreading across my chest was nothing compared to the absolute incredulity I felt as I looked at how miserable she clearly was.
Goddamn, did anyone look at this woman?
Did anyone care to look beneath the surface and see just how fucking unhappy she was?
I could see it.
Always had.
"The fuck did he say to you?" I demanded, not buying this bullshit. She looked about as happy about fixing her marriage as I did. "Hope?" When she didn’t answer, I rubbed my jaw and stifled a growl. "What happened to loving me?"
"I do," she squeezed out. "I meant every word."
"Then what changed?" She covered her face with her hands, but I wasn’t having that. She wasn’t hiding from me. Gently peeling her hands away, I crouched down so that we were eye level. "Talk to me, HC."
"I'm so sorry," she whispered. "He needs me more."
"Don’t!" Shaking my head, I backed away, fucking raging and needing to move. "Don’t give me that shit." I ran a hand through my hair in exasperation. "There's something you're not telling me."
"I was fooling myself last night." She forced the words out like they were killing her. "I got lost in the moment…thinking I could leave him."
Bullshit.
Bull-fucking-shit.
"What did he do?" I demanded, trying to coax the truth out of her. "Threaten you? Fill your head up with guilt? Make you feel like it's your fault that he's a weak-ass bastard who fucked his own damn recovery?" Reclaiming the space I'd put between us, I tipped her chin upwards, forcing her to look at me. "Tell me what's going on, sweetheart," I growled. "And I will fix it for you."
"I can't," she whispered, clenching her eyes shut. "I just need you to go."
"I'm not going anywhere," I shot back heatedly. "Not without you."
"Please, Hunter," she choked out. "Trust me on this."
Muttering a string of curse words, I sparked up a cigarette and took a deep drag to calm my fucking temper that was rising at a rapid rate and directed solely at her husband. "Leave you here?" I shook my head. "You're asking me for a goddamn miracle here, HC."
****
Chapter Eighteen
Hope
I wanted to tell him the truth.
I wanted to throw myself into his arms and have him fix this whole mess.
I thought that telling Jordan I was leaving him would be the hardest conversation I would ever have.
I was wrong.
This was so much worse.
Because it was a lie.
I came to Hunter willingly. Because I loved him. Because I wanted to be with him. And now, I was leaving him with my hand twisted behind my back.
But if said anything now, it would end in blood shed.
I wasn’t naïve enough to believe that Hunter's first instinct wouldn’t be to take Jordan out of the equation.
Like Jordan was doing right now…
Pretense and lies. That was what my life consisted of now, and not by choice.
Doing it this way would protect him, I knew that, but it didn’t make me feel like any less of a traitor – or a whore.
Because if he knew – if Hunter found out what a threat Jordan was to our freedom – I was terrified of what he might do. No, scratch that. What he would do. He would kill him. And I couldn’t live with that. I couldn’t bear it. I hated Jordan for what he was doing to me but I didn’t hate the boy inside the man.
And I never would.
"I need you to have patience," I begged. "Please, Hunter. Just give me a little time."
"I've been patient," he shot back angrily. "And it's always the same old shit. I can't help but feel like this is prolonged pain for me. Like you're delaying the inevitable and the one you're waiting to say goodbye to is me."
"This doesn’t change anything for me," I whispered, desperate for him to know at least half the truth. "Just…just give me some time to figure this out." My mind was reeling. Words of prolonged promise dripped from my tongue. "I meant what I said last night." I was trying to claw myself out of the mess I'd made, but it was fucking impossible.
Disgust and self-loathing were loaded inside of me like overflowing drums balancing on a tight rope. I felt poisoned from the inside out; my only consolation was the knowledge of his temporary safety.
"Come with me," Hunter growled, tone passionate, blue eyes searing me. "Just get in my truck and we can go. It's as easy as that."
Except it wasn’t.
"I can't," I choked out, silently begging him to understand.
"I love you, Hope," Hunter growled. "And I get that hearing those words coming out of the mouth of a man like me isn’t worth shit."
"Hunter, please, just –"
"But to me, you and that word mean the same damn thing," he continued to say, ignoring my plea. "And time? Time doesn’t mean shit, sweetheart. You don’t have to love someone the longest to love them the most. You just have to fucking love that someone and be fearless enough to show it. That's what I've been doing – been trying to do."
"God, Hunter…"
"I know what I am, Hope," he added gruffly. "What a huge leap of faith you'd be taking on me. But I won't let you down."
"I'm not leaving him," I bit out, locked in a stare down with the only man I wanted to be with. "I have to stay."
I could only imagine what Hunter thought of me in this moment.
A liar?
A coward?
A bitch?
I was all of the above, and I would be those willingly if it kept him out of prison.
I watched Hunter's eyes harden as he clenched then unclenched his jaw.
"I can't walk away from him yet," I forced myself to say. "He's in pain…and I'm the one who put him there –"
"You think I give a shit about his pain?" Hunter demanded, furious. "Well, I don’t, Hope. I don’t care. About him. His feelings. His recovery. I don’t give a fuck about any of it." Exhaling a pained growl, he ran his hand through his hair and snarled, "You're the only thing! The only goddamn person I care about. The rest? It's collateral fucking damage."
See, this was exactly why I couldn’t tell him.
That streak of violence laying just beneath his surface was lethal.
If Hunter knew the truth, he wouldn’t hesitate in taking out the threat.
I'd seen exactly what he was capable of when he was defending my honor.
A shivered rolled through me at the memory.
"If you could just give me some time," I pleaded. "He's hurting so badly right now, Hunter, and I know you say you don’t care, but I do. I can't leave him –"
"No," he growled, rubbing his jaw. "I'm not doing that. I'm standing around listening to you feel sorry for the lost boy. I'm fighting my own damn demons, HC, and they're snapping at my heels most days, but you don’t hear me pissing and moaning." He tossed his cigarette on the ground and stubbed it out with his boot. "I've got my own shit to handle."
I never wanted to be responsible for making a man look at me the way Hunter was looking at me right now. The pain and betrayal in his eyes all but broke me.
"I'm so sorry," I whispered. I could see the devastation on his face. It ruined me. Disgust and self-loathing filled every inch of my body.
"Last chance," he bit out, eyes locked on mine. "Come with me."
Inside I was screaming, begging him not to leave me, to give me some more time. I needed time. I wasn’t going back on my word. I wanted to be with him. Only him.
I felt my heart shatter into a million unrepairable pieces as I said, "I'm not leaving him."
"Then I'm out." With that, Hunter Casarazzi turned around and walked away from me.
My eyes followed his every move as he climbed into his truck and cranked the engine.
