I’d just been a kid when I got pregnant with Max and since then I’d been a mom. I’d never felt sexy. Or wanted. Or… needed. Not in this way.
Levi had this incredible ability to make me feel like I wasn’t just a frumpy single mom barely surviving her life. He made me feel beautiful… seen… desired. And those were gifts he would never even understand he was giving me.
“More, huh?” he chuckled.
“More,” I confirmed. “I need more.”
“So greedy.” But his kisses told me he approved. A second finger joined his first and I knew it wouldn’t take much for him to do that all over again. And I couldn’t help but look forward to it. To the way he would make my body sing and react and explode again and again.
That was the moment my mom decided to come home. Like a hurricane, she crashed through the front door, forcing Levi and I to jump apart. His hand disengaging from my pants at the same time I grasped blindly for my sweatshirt.
My face flamed red, spreading quickly over my entire body as my mom surveyed the situation on the couch and the rolling credits for Star Wars behind us.
“Where’s Max?” she asked, barely acknowledging Levi on the other end of the couch. His hands were rubbing nervously over his thighs.
Quickly pulling on my sweatshirt, I mumbled, “Sleeping, geez. Don’t you knock?”
“Don’t you learn?” she grunted. “He’s going to knock you up again if you’re not careful.”
Her words boomeranged around the room exploding against my wall of silence. I’d never told her who Max’s dad was. I didn’t even know she had suspicions. And I really didn’t know she’d gotten it wrong.
I felt Levi’s entire body stiffen and still. His head turned, and his stare bore a hole into the side of my head.
“Mom,” I protested weakly, barely able to put sound behind my words. “Levi isn’t…”
Levi’s angry voice cut through my feeble attempt to rectify the situation. “Again?”
I couldn’t find the courage to look at him. My insides wobbled with fear. “Not again,” I whispered.
“Not me again, you mean.”
“Levi…”
He pushed off the couch and stormed through my living room. It only took him five steps before he reached the door and wrenched it open.
“Fuck,” I winced as it slammed behind him, shaking the thin walls and windows.
Out of habit I looked toward Max’s room and waited for his woken-up-cry-of-protest. It never came.
“It’s not him?” my mom pondered in the kitchen as if none of what just happened surprised her. I supposed dealing with strippers all night and the men that traveled from all over the county to watch them did that to a person though. Jaded them. “I could have sworn it was him,” she went on. “Max looks just like him.”
I gaped at her, my mouth coming unhinged. Levi’s truck door ripped open and it was enough to move me into action. I launched myself out the door after him.
He drove a big ass truck, like most of the men in my part of the world. He’d cranked the engine by the time I jumped on the sideboard, my fingers curling around his window frame.
He jerked at the sudden sight of me, but I couldn’t feel bad when I had so much to say.
The window rolled down and his growled, “What?” would have sent a lesser woman running.
Or just a normal, rational thinking person. But I was none of those things. Not only did I have some explaining to do on my mom’s behalf, but I had my son to protect. And that was the most motivating factor of all.
I wouldn’t let Max become town gossip—any more than he already had been. I wouldn’t let Levi storm back into town spouting off nonsense he didn’t fully understand because he was mad.
Max deserved more.
And so did Levi, to be honest.
It was time to come clean. And hope that the fallout didn’t crush me in the process.
“Can we talk?” I asked humbly. “Please?”
His jaw ticked as he ground his teeth together. “I suspected,” he said as way of an answer. “The first time I saw Max I knew he was familiar. His smile. His eyes. I just… I couldn’t bring myself to admit it out loud.”
“Please let me explain,” I whispered, not denying any of it.
He tilted his head toward the passenger seat. I ran around the front before he could drive away. It wasn’t the easiest climb into the cab, especially with bare feet, but I made it inside before he’d peeled away.
It was drastically warmer inside. I hadn’t realized how cold it was outside until I was sitting beneath the blast of his vents. They did nothing to heat the air between us though. We’d been on fire only minutes ago and now we were the makings of an iceberg, the hidden mountain between us growing bigger and bigger by the second.
He stared straight ahead, his hands gripping the steering wheel so tightly his knuckles turned white. “You’re here to talk, Ruby. So, talk.”
Only now that I was in here, I was finding it hard to form the right words. There were so many things to say, so many explanations to give. I had no idea where to start. Finally, after another steadying breath, I admitted, “I’ve never told anyone. Not even Coco.”
“Not even your mom,” he added snarkily.
“Especially not my mom,” I snapped. “She wouldn’t have ever seen Max as a grandson then. He would have been a meal ticket… a paycheck. If she’d ever known who his father was, she would have exploited him to the very last cent.”
“That’s why you kept it a secret? You were protecting my family?” His voice dipped and twisted, turning his questions into sarcasm instead of honest curiosity.
“To protect him, Levi.” I closed my eyes and forced the next few words out. “And myself.”
“You’re going to have to do a better job of explaining yourself. My patience is running thin and you’re not making any sense.”
He was right. And that killed me to admit. It gutted me to even consider that I had been wrong, that I had messed up. But, I owed him the truth at least. It wasn’t up to me what he did with it, but he deserved to know. I would handle the consequences later.
“Logan.” The name filled the car like the ghost of the man himself. It hovered in the air, sucking up all the oxygen and casting this sparking, fizzing thing between Levi and me in a harsh, poisonous light. “Max’s dad is Logan.”
“How do you know?” Levi grated out. He knew Max was Logan’s. He’d already said he’d seen the similarities the first time he met my son. So, I saw his question for what it was—absolute confirmation. He wanted the details. He wanted all the reasons to hate me.
“It was graduation night,” I explained. Levi went still again, his muscles turning to stone, his mouth pressed into a tight frown, his eyes forward, on the double wide I’d called home my entire life. “He was my first,” I breathed out. “And my last for a very long time.”
“After I kissed you?” Levi asked in a quiet voice.
I didn’t want to answer this question, not after everything that had happened that night, not after everything that had happened since he’d come back to town.
“You had a girlfriend,” I defended weakly. “I thought… I assumed you were messing with me. And I had a crush on Logan. I’d had a crush on him for so long I was convinced I was in love with him. He was… he was an easy guy to fall for.”
“Unlike me,” Levi bit out, a harsh laugh following.
“You had a girlfriend,” I repeated. “We were at her party.”
“I broke up with her that night!” he exploded back. “I left you for a minute, to end it with her. When I went back you weren’t there, but I didn’t think you… I didn’t think you would… I tried to call you all summer. Goddamn it, Ruby.”
I turned my head, so he wouldn’t see the tears pooling in my lashes. I felt sick to my stomach. My hands went numb. God, this was too much. “It was too late by that point,” I whispered.
Levi’s voice dropped. “Did you sleep with him to spite me?
”
“No!” I spun around to face him, not even thinking about how terrifying he was or how desperately I wanted this conversation to be over. “No. It had nothing to do with you. He’s… he’s the whole reason I went that night. I just… God, this is humiliating.”
“Say it, Ruby. Explain it to me.”
Fuck. “I wanted to sleep with him, okay? I was in a weird headspace. I was having this stupid existential crisis where I felt like I’d completely wasted my high school years being careful and focused and I just wanted to do something reckless. Something fun. When you told me Logan was going to be there, I saw this opportunity to rescue my youth. I wanted to be spontaneous.”
He let out a shaky breath. “Only you would consider planning out how to lose your virginity spontaneous.”
I bit my lip, wanting to argue, but also knowing he was right. “I never meant to kiss you that night.” He flinched at my words and I scrambled, desperate to take away the sting of truth. “Levi, I didn’t know you liked me. Not like that. I mean, by that point I knew you didn’t hate me… but I also never expected you to have feelings for me.” I cleared my throat. “Or to still have feelings for me.”
His Adam’s apple bobbed up and down. “Did you love him?”
Logan. He wanted to know if I loved his brother.
What was the truth? What should I tell him?
The truth of course, but it wasn’t that simple. Finally, I said, “No. I mean, I thought I did. I don’t think I would have given that piece of me away unless I really believed I was in love with him. But I know I wasn’t now. I did have feelings for him. I respected him. I thought the world of him. But I didn’t love him.”
“How do you know?” His question was so fragile, so utterly breakable, that my chest ached in response.
More truth. More history I had never wanted to give up. “Because he died, Levi. He died, and I wasn’t heartbroken. Yes, I mourned him for you and your family and I felt the loss of a friend. But we weren’t even good friends. He was just this nice guy that I kind of liked. Don’t get me wrong, I mourned for Max, for the baby I had inside me that would never know his dad. But I feel like if I loved him, I would have mourned for myself too. I would have felt this great brokenness from losing him. And I just… don’t.”
“Why didn’t you ever tell my parents? That’s what I don’t get. They could have helped you. They could have helped Max. Not to mention how fucking selfish it is to keep a part of my brother from them. From us.”
“That’s why,” I whispered, the words ripped out of my heart painfully. “Look at me, Levi. Look at where I live. Look at who my mom is. I was afraid they’d take him from me. I was terrified they’d take one look at me and do whatever it took to gain custody of my son. And I…” My voice broke and traitorous tears wet my cheeks. “And I couldn’t risk losing him. He’s all I’ve ever had.”
I couldn’t look at Levi, so I had no idea what his expression said or if he was still angry or just hurt or what. Now that the tears had started, I couldn’t turn them off. They fell in giant drops of regret and humiliation and fear.
How had a night that started off so great turned into this?
And what hurt the most, that I was even afraid to admit to myself, was the loss of Levi. I’d ruined everything between us. Everything that was so new and young I didn’t even know what to call it.
It shouldn’t have surprised me, but it did. This was why I wanted to keep Levi at a distance. This was why I’d wanted to keep Max a secret. Because I couldn’t survive Levi’s rejection. I wasn’t going to be able to take his judgment on me. This was too much. This hurt too much.
I wanted his smile again. I wanted his intense gazes and teasing words. I wanted the Levi that had just been changing me from the inside out with his pursuit of me and those delicious kisses.
This was how I knew I didn’t love Logan, because he had died, and it had never felt as bad as this—as bad as losing the prospect of Levi, as bad as losing his trust and friendship and sweet, gentle smiles.
“I need to think,” he finally said, his voice gruff with emotion and anger. “I need to go.”
“Are you going to tell your parents?” I sounded small. I sounded terrified.
“You mean do what you should have done seven years ago?” It was my turn to flinch. “Please get out of my truck, Ruby. I want to leave now.”
I obliged this time, scurrying down from the cab and finding shelter on my deck. He peeled away immediately, kicking up dust and gravel in his wake. I crawled inside the trailer and threw myself on my bed, not even bothering to wash my face.
I buried myself in pillows and blankets and cried until I felt sick, until I had nothing left to shed. It wasn’t just for the unearthing of my secrets and Max’s dad. It was for the past, for seven years ago when I’d found something surprising with Levi and then slept with his brother. It was for giving something to Logan that I could never get back. It was for losing Logan only months later and for seven years of not knowing what to do or if I was doing the right thing or how to even be a mom.
It was for Max and for all the things he would never have because he didn’t have a dad. It was for my lost future because I’d gotten the gift of Max instead. It was for losing Levi—seven years ago and tonight all over again.
It was for a hundred thousand things I couldn’t even name. I’d made so many mistakes in my life. And I was only now realizing that some of them weren’t forgivable. Seven years ago, that might not have mattered to me.
But tonight, it did.
Tonight, losing Levi was the hardest thing I’d had to face yet.
19
Fight or Flight
Days went by before I saw Levi again. I even bummed his phone number from Jamie and found the courage to text him. Three different times.
Still no word.
He never stopped by the diner. I never saw him running or picking something up at the hardware store. He didn’t pop up in any of the random places he’d been showing up for weeks now.
He’d just disappeared.
It was like seven years ago when he left for family vacation and never came back.
My chest cavity felt hollow, devoid of the heart that had only just begun to beat. Every morning I took my temperature, convinced I was coming down with the flu, only to have to face the reality that this was what rejection felt like. My bones ached, and my stomach was always upset. My eyes were always bloodshot and my face always puffy from tears.
I was simultaneously dreading talking to him and desperately wishing I could lock him in a room and force another conversation.
I hadn’t said anything to Max, but he could tell something was up. He was listening even better than usual and constantly giving me extra cuddles. He made me realize something in his sweetness, something I didn’t know if I would admit to Levi if he asked me.
But the truth was, I wouldn’t have changed anything. I would have kept Max a secret all over again if given the chance. My secrecy probably pissed off the entire Cole family or hurt their feelings or whatever and part of me felt bad about that. But the stronger voice inside me said I did the right thing for my son and that was all that mattered.
I could admit that I trusted Levi, that now that he was back in town there was a part of me that had wanted to share the truth with him. I would have rather done that on my terms… but that’s not what happened. Anyway, I didn’t hate that Levi knew Max was his nephew—no matter how that left things for Levi and me.
But Levi had been gone for seven years. And if the truth would have come out back then, I would have been left to deal with his parents. By myself.
And I wouldn’t have had any help. I couldn’t count on my mom. And Coco only just returned herself.
If they had wanted to fight for Max, they would have won. I was his mom, and fine that counted for something, but I knew how this world worked and they had the money.
And the connections.
And the power.
So, Lev
i could be mad all he wanted, but I knew without a doubt I’d done the right thing.
I felt great for all of three seconds and then “How Do I Live” by LeAnn Rimes came through the diner speakers and I felt like stomping my foot in protest. I didn’t, because I was a grown-up, but I felt like it.
“Y’all right, sugar?” Rosie asked when I brought a bucket full of dishes behind the counter. “For a moment there I thought you were going to throw those plates against the wall.” She looked off in the distance and added, “Wouldn’t have been the first time that’s happened, mind you. But it’s a hell of a mess to clean up.”
My lips lifted, and I was surprised to find myself smiling. It was small, barely there, but it was there. “I might have thought about it for a split second,” I admitted. “But then I realized I’d be the one cleaning it up and decided it did not sound appealing.”
She laughed before going over to the pie display and pulling a piece of chocolate silk from inside. “Must be man trouble then.” She motioned to the stools on the other side of the counter. “Sit down and tell me about it.”
“How can you tell?” I asked, too perplexed by her detective skills to argue.
“Because if it would have been your job you were mad at, you wouldn’t have been considering the mess. You’d have just thrown the dishes and walked out with your middle fingers held high.” She slid the pie toward me. “Or at least that’s what the last girl did.”
I laughed, I couldn’t help it. Whether the story was true or not didn’t matter, it had pulled my spirits up from the black abyss and I appreciated Rosie’s concern. Sometimes she was a cool boss. Sometimes she was the mom I didn’t get. Either way, I liked her. And if anyone knew anything about men, it was going to be Rosie.
She handed me a fork and said, “All right, dish.”
Slicing off a thin bite, I said, “It’s about Levi Cole.”
“Of course it is.” She leaned forward, resting her elbows on the counter and winked at me. “Only one man in town worth having the kind of trouble that requires pie and it’s that man.” I gaped at her, but she just continued saying outrageous things. “Now, I know the boy’s interested in you. He’s paid the electric bill this month on his coffee orders alone. So, what’s the problem? Is it Max?”
Trailer Park Heart Page 23
