“You deserve it,” I whispered, knowing this family, this beautiful, hurting family, did deserve him. “You do.”
He swallowed roughly, his Adam’s apple bobbing. “Thank you.” He ran his hand through his hair again. “Please forgive me for treating you poorly recently. I’ve been acting like an idiot. Okay, more of an idiot than usual. And I’d love it if you could forgive me.”
I waved him off. “It’s fine. Really.”
“It’s not,” he insisted. “It’s just that I’m trying to navigate this weird space with you and I’m not doing a very good job of it.”
“Why do you have to navigate it?” I knew exactly what he meant, because I was also struggling. But the feisty side of me got ahold of my tongue. And frankly, I just let her torture him. “Why can’t we be friends like we were?”
Something flashed across his face and it was not friendly. He threw his hand to the side and said, “We’ve never been friends, Ruby. Never.”
“But before you—”
“I’ve never wanted to be friends with you. Not when we were kids, not when I came back to town. And not even now. I have always wanted more. Always.”
His voice broke over his confession and I nearly broke with it. “Levi…”
“This is the way it has to be,” he murmured firmly. “I know that. You know that. But goddamn, Ruby, why couldn’t it have been anybody but Logan?”
Tears sprung to my eyes and fell before I could catch them. My chin trembled, and a sob caught in my throat. Because I can’t let myself be happy, I wanted to tell him. Because I sabotage everything good in my life.
I wasn’t going to say any of that though. I was just going to suffer this excruciating pain in silence. I couldn’t be honest with him. It was for his peace of mind and my sanity. But then, seeing my conflict, he brushed his fingers across my cheek and I broke. The truth spilled from my lips, a tortured confession he deserved, but should have never heard. “Because you were too good to be true and I wouldn’t let myself believe that I could have you. Not then. Not when you came back to town. And certainly not now.”
His shoulders squared, and he stepped into me, ready for the fight. He was always ready for it when it came to me. I used to think the fight was against me. Him versus me. Always. But lately, I’d started to realize he never intended to fight me. He was fighting for me. “Those are lies, Ruby. Lies you’ve told yourself for so long you think they’re true. But just because you think them doesn’t mean they are. In fact, I can’t think of anything falser than those words. I’ve been yours. For as long as I can remember. It was true when we were kids. It was true the second I walked back into town and realized you were still here and still single. And it’s still true. It will always be true.”
My heart felt ripped in two, torn apart by the truth and impossibility in his words. “Levi…”
He glanced back at my son, his nephew, and then hit me with a searing gaze. “I’ll be your friend now because I have to be.” He lifted a finger, pointing it sternly at me. “But not because I want to be.”
He disappeared in the kitchen while I slunk off to the bathroom, desperate for a minute to collect myself, desperate to find my balance in a world that was currently being flipped upside down and shaken out in scattered pieces.
That’s what happened whenever he was around. He came in and upset everything I’d decided about the world, everything I knew to be true. And he realigned my reality with him.
Every time I was with him, he somehow made me fall for him more. He reminded me of everything I’d lost and everything I would never have.
And it killed me.
My son was getting an entirely new family, people that loved him and wanted the best for him, while I was losing the one person I was finally willing to take a risk on.
I was too late.
23
Let It Go
“Now you’re sure you’ll be okay? I’m happy to stay. We’ll hang out until midnight even.”
“Ruby,” Darcy insisted patiently. “We’ll be okay, I promise.” She winked at Max before saying, “I’ve got all kinds of fun snacks and Levi set me up with all the Star Wars movies. I thought there were only three, but he dropped off a ridiculous number of DVDs. We’re going to have so much fun.”
I watched my son for a few seconds, deciding if that was true. Darcy had asked at Christmas if she could have Max for a New Year’s Eve night sleepover. She said, she’d always imagined ringing in the New Year with her grandkids and that she’d love to start the tradition with Max if I’d let her.
At the time, I’d felt put on the spot, so I had said yes. But now that it was time to drop him off, I didn’t know what to do. It wasn’t that Max and I celebrated the New Year in a way I wasn’t willing to give up, but we’d always been together.
He’d never had a sleepover anywhere. I’d never let anyone but my mom or me care for him overnight.
This felt dangerously permanent. Not that I was afraid Darcy was going to try to keep him forever. More like, these people were cementing their parts in our lives and I wasn’t sure what to do about it.
Frankly, I wasn’t used to counting on people, letting them in. I wasn’t used to trusting anybody.
And they weren’t only asking me to trust them with small things. They wanted me to trust them with my son.
The thought stole my breath and sent my heart into a panicked race. Logic told me I could trust them, told me they only wanted the best for Max and even for me. But experience had told me that nobody was worthy of my trust. The urge to run had never been stronger.
Darcy’s hand landed on my shoulder, squeezing lightly, drawing my attention to her earnest gaze. “I know we’ve only known him for a short time, but Ruby I love this little boy. He’s my grandchild. I will never let anything happen to him. Ever. He’s safe with us. And so are you. If you’ll let us love you too.”
The frantic beating in my chest skidded to a stop. “Excuse me?”
“We consider you family, Ruby. I know your relationship with Logan wasn’t lasting, but you’re our grandson’s mother. That makes you part of our family. We want the best for both of you. Always.”
Surprised tears pooled in the corners of my eyes and I resisted the urge to give into my weakness and fear. Darcy’s hand was an anchor to reality as I struggled to find my footing on this brand new, untested ground.
“Th-thank you,” I finally managed to say, genuinely meaning it. “I don’t know if Levi has told you much about my family, but I’ve never had people I could count on before.”
Darcy’s eyes filled with empathetic tears. “He’s told us some about your mother. I just want you to know you can come to me for anything, Ruby. Anything. I’m here for you always.”
Without fully realizing what I was doing, I stepped forward and wrapped my arms around her in a hug. Her arms hesitated for only a second before returning the gesture.
What started as an awkward and instinctive embrace, turned into something so much more when Darcy’s arms tightened around me into a real, tight, maternal hug—of which I’d never experienced before. She held me firmly against her, stroking my back and proving her words to be true.
It should have been weird or over the top or enough to send me running, but it did the opposite. It proved to me that she meant what she said, that she would always mean what she said. She hugged me as family hugs, or at least how I imagined family to hug. She healed a beaten, battered part of my heart that had resigned itself to always feeling unwanted.
Tears streamed down my cheeks, streaking my carefully applied makeup.
“What are you guys doing?” Max asked when he found us crying and clinging to each other in the foyer.
I pulled back, totally embarrassed by my tears and hugging. “Oh, god, I’m sorry,” I sniffled.
She waved me off, wiping her own tears with the backs of her hands. “Don’t ever be sorry for that, Ruby. You hear me? Never.”
“Thank you,” I whispered, my throat clogging
with fresh emotion. “That means more than you’ll ever know.”
She nodded, acknowledging the brokenness of my past.
When I’d collected myself, I turned to Max, “You sure you’re going to be okay overnight?”
“They have like every movie in the whole wide world!” he said excitedly. “And Papa said he’d take me on a four-wheeler ride. Plus, Nana said she’d make pancakes again. I’m good, Mom. Don’t worry about me.”
For Christmas, since we couldn’t afford to give Darcy and Rich much in return for all their generous gifts, Max had “gifted” them the titles of grandparents. Nana and Papa had officially become their names.
It was safe to say, we were all getting comfortable crying around each other.
“That sounds like the best sleepover ever!” I joined in his excitement and it turned out to be genuine. Somewhere over the last couple months, my biggest fear had become a reality. I was losing pieces of Max to another family. Only instead of feeling like loss, it felt like life. Instead of being taken away from me, he was being given another family that loved him and wanted the best for him.
And somehow, I was also getting more of that family.
Somehow it wasn’t just his gift. It was mine too.
“I love you a million, Maximillian,” I whispered in his ear when I pulled him in for one last hug.
He threw his arms around my neck, kissed my cheek and said, “I love you back, Mommy.”
“Call if you need anything,” I told Darcy.
She waved me off, “We’ll be fine. I promise.”
Leaving the Cole’s farm was not one of the hardest things I had ever done, even though it was difficult. It was also good. I also knew Max was in excellent hands.
I knew this was the beginning of many, many more nights like this. My affection for this family swelled at the thought, my worry soothed, and my mama’s heart rested in the truth that my son was well loved.
Driving back into town, I ignored the jerking engine of my Corolla because the temperatures were in the negatives and she hated the cold weather. I fixed my makeup at stop signs and the one light in town and parked at Rosie’s again. Main Street was so compact, I used Rosie’s backlot whenever I planned to stay in town.
For the first time ever, I was going to the New Year’s Eve party at Pug’s. Nerves rustled in my belly and I thought about my couch and Netflix, but I’d promised Coco I’d show up for at least an hour.
It was still early, so I braced myself against the cold and headed to Coco’s.
“Ruby!” she squealed when I knocked on her door.
I walked inside to find Emilia and her dressed to the nines. I looked down at my jeans, snow boots and silky tunic and felt completely underdressed. “You guys look amazing,” I told them, feeling awkward and out of place. Oh, well, it just meant I’d get to leave faster. Netflix and a long list of cheesy holiday movies were calling my name.
“You can’t wear that,” Coco announced, immediately confirming my fears.
“What’s wrong with what I’m wearing?”
“Not sexy enough,” Emilia threw in. “New Year’s Eve is all about the spice.”
I looked down at my clothes again, feeling defensive. “This is spicy.”
“No,” the agreed together.
“That’s lonely,” Coco added.
“It’s all I have.”
Emilia tsked. “Wrong. You have us. And we have more than we know what to do with.”
An hour later, a pile of clothes littered their living room, but we were all dressed to impress. Coco wore a black, shimmery sheath dress that barely covered her bum with lace sleeves and thigh-high black suede boots. Her dark hair was done in big, bouncy curls and she’d styled them over one shoulder. Emilia’s maroon, velvet dress reached her thighs, but it was tight enough to reveal every single curve and contour of her body. The sweetheart neckline with spaghetti strap sleeves only added more va-va-voom. Her sky-high heels were the opposite of her hiking boots, but somehow she managed her balance just fine.
And for me? They’d found a pale pink, lacey, loose, long-sleeved tunic. We’d belted it, so I had a figure, but the neckline dipped below the belt. Thankfully, my bra still worked to keep the girls in place. Also, praises because I had shaved all the way up my legs this morning. In the winter, it was always iffy if I bothered with my thighs or not. So, score for that little piece of intuition.
My pale, pale skin somehow managed to look more porcelain than translucent and Emilia had done some voodoo with my hair, because it looked styled instead of wild. Coco had finished my look with chunky gold bangles and champagne ankle boots.
I blinked at myself in the mirror, not remembering the last time I looked this put together. Or pretty.
“Voila!” Coco cheered, showing me the finished look in the mirror.
“Wow,” I gasped. “I… I didn’t even know this was possible.”
“You look amazing,” Em confirmed.
I felt amazing too. For the first time ever, I was able to relax tonight. I wasn’t worried about Max at home with my mom or how I would pay her for babysitting him. I wasn’t worried about the hundred little things that always seemed to pile up. I was just… happy.
And it felt strange. But good.
“A toast!” Coco declared before we walked out the door. She handed me a small shot glass filled with golden liquor. “Fireball,” she confirmed. “Your favorite.”
Waggling my eyebrows, I took it from her. “Yum.”
Emilia took hers too and we crowded around the kitchen island. “To a new year,” she said seriously. “And to taking risks and reaping the rewards.”
I breathed out. “I think I took enough risks last year. I’m good for a while.”
Coco shook her head. “But look how good everything turned out? It’s time to take more chances, Rubes. You’ve been hiding for too long. No more. The truth is out there. It’s time for you to get out there too.”
My heart kicked against my breastbone, feeling the truth zing through the air and straight to the core of me. “Okay,” I whispered, already feeling the fizzy feeling of the alcohol before I’d even taken a sip. “Okay, fine. To risks and rewards.”
We cheered as we clinked our glasses together and knocked back the cinnamon whisky. It filled me with a warm burn that sustained us as we crossed the street to Pug’s, braving the freezing winter night so we didn’t have to carry jackets with us.
The heated air wrapped around my skin, the second we stepped inside the busy bar and I shivered against the sensation. I gazed at the dance floor and the crowded bar finding all the usual suspects.
Kristen March was here with her gaggle of friends. Jamie and Jason were in one corner with their friends. Ajax was on the dance floor, a girl already wrapped around him. Levi, Finch and Mercer were by the pool table.
Everybody was here, but for the first time in my life, I walked into this space and felt like I belonged. Clark City had been the place I never wanted to end up. Yet, over the last seven years, it had become the place I called home. I belonged here. I belonged with these people.
I was only an outsider if I stayed on the outside. But I had friends now. I had people that cared about me. That cared about Max. I was still the girl from the trailer park, I was still the single mom… I was still me. But my perspective had changed.
I wasn’t defined by other people’s opinions of me. I was defined by my belief in myself.
I was a fighter. I was a survivor. I was the girl who lived her best life despite her circumstances. And I was a good mom, doing her absolute best to raise a great kid.
Coco pulled me into a side hug, “What are you smiling about?”
Shrugging, I simply said, “I’m already having fun tonight. I’m glad we did this.”
She threw one arm in the air and made a cheering sound. “Ruby’s having fun, y’all!”
Several people turned and stared at us.
“Oh, my god, the fun just died,” I groaned.
&nb
sp; She laughed and then pulled me onto the dance floor. “It’s just starting,” she promised.
24
Do Over
And she was right. For the next two hours we danced and drank and laughed. I avoided the pool table and the bar whenever I caught a glimpse Levi, but for the most part, I had a great time.
“Bathroom!” I shouted at Coco. She waved me off and I headed to the darkened hallway that had caused me a lot of trouble last time I was here.
I paused, staring at the exit sign, feeling mixed emotions of want and resigned sorrow. Levi was the missing piece in all of this. The one thing I couldn’t have in my happily ever after. The one thing I wanted more than ever.
And being around his family was a small, sadistic way to constantly torture myself. He was the most amazing uncle—attentive, fun, kind. He made Max laugh a ridiculous amount. They were becoming thick as thieves and I could only watch from a distance.
We steered clear of each other as much as possible. It was too awkward. Too painful. I didn’t know if Rich and Darcy suspected anything, but they gave us our space without commenting.
I had decided this was payback. Now I knew what he’d been through all those years of liking me. Now I knew what high school was like for him, what coming back home was like for him. I could want him all I wanted, but I couldn’t touch him.
And this would be how it always was. He would eventually move on. He had the luxury of not having a kid and being a completely eligible bachelor. He would find someone else, someone without all my baggage, someone that hadn’t ruined his trust and had a baby with his brother. And he would start a family of his own.
Not to say Max wasn’t enough for me. Because he always had been and he always would be. But now there was a sorrow that accompanied this beautiful life of mine that hadn’t been there before. Now I knew what it meant to long and pine and watch from a distance while the person I had come to love, moved on.
Trailer Park Heart Page 28
