by Hart, Alana
"No, I haven't forgotten. You've reminded me with every breathe you've taken, every chance you had. And you do it in front of Aaron."
Hilda felt charged to the point where she could have erupted from the surge of emotions that raged through her. She hand never argued with her mother. Years of pent-up anger boiled over.
"Oh, so if you don't want me around Aaron anymore, just say so. I'll be happy to. I will not play blind while you go down the wrong path."
"My choice. Not yours." The abrupt response caused Hilda's mother's eye to twitch.
"If that's what you want. Then so be it." Then she spun away from Hilda and marched off. Hilda stood, shaking and she felt as if a beehive were in her stomach. Hilda stood gasping air with her lips slightly parted, watching her mother leave. The emotion Hilda felt was overwhelming. She felt if she didn't call her mother back, the terrible feeling in her stomach would cause her to fold over and vomit.
But she didn't, instead she walked back into her apartment, closing the door behind her. Inside was silent, but not peaceful, everything was in order, except the tornado of emotions that spun her thoughts to create uncertainty. She felt that her mother had gone too far, but she always felt it she had been too harsh with her mother. Having never argued with her mother, perhaps it seemed as if Hilda's anger had come from nowhere.
Aaron's feet stomped down the stairs, disrupting the tortuous silence that enveloped the apartment.
"Mommy can we go to the park again?" Aaron skipped excitedly.
Hilda smiled. It took effort, but she knew she could not allow Aaron to pick up on her mood. "Okay, but first, you have to get changed."
"Yay, will Nathan be there? I want another picnic." Aaron's eyes shined and he gave Hilda a beaming smile.
"I don't think so." Nathan's was the last person who Hilda wanted to see; she just wanted it to be her and Aaron, and not other people who wanted to interfere with the peaceful life they shared. "I'll tell you what, if you wear your jacket I'll fix us up a few snacks we can take. Now go remove your church clothes and I'll be up to help you change."
"I can do it, Mommie." Aaron was halfway to his room when the doorbell rang.
The sound cracked through the silence and rattled Hilda to the core. Mother is back. Hilda knew what she had to do. Apologize and explain. She opened the door and her heart leapt.
"Nathan!" Aaron ran and hugged Nathan. It startled Hilda how sat Aaron had gone from his bedroom to the door. Then she realized, everything seemed to slow down.
Chapter 18
"We are having a picnic." Aaron was jubilant at seeing Nathan. "Do you want to come?"
"No, I'm afraid Nathan is not stopping by long." Hilda signaled to Nathan with her eyebrows.
"I'm afraid I can't join you. But maybe next time?" Nathan said to Aaron.
However, Aaron didn't return the expression, his face contorted with a furrowed brow. "Aww, why not?"
"Sweetie, go and get changed, I'll be over to help in a moment. I just have to have a word with Nathan for a second." Hilda did not take her eyes from Nathan.
"What are you doing here?" Aaron was out of earshot, yet Hilda still felt the need to whisper.
"Hey, you okay?" Nathan bent his head low to meet Hilda's eyes. The question had thrown her off.
"Why wouldn't I be?" The hurt in Hilda's chest and her argument with her mother had a rawness like an open wound. She stepped back into the apartment and Nathan followed. She had not meant to do this. But she needed to clasp something, anything for support. She struggled to push back the desperate need to sob from the sheer pain. She sat on a chair and Nathan stood in front of her.
"What's happened?"
Nathan took them to the nearest restaurant with a garden where Aaron could play. Though Hilda initially disapproved of his presence, she made no more mention of it. As Nathan parked the car, they shared a moment to exhale.
"Can I get a chocolate milkshake, Momma?" Aaron called from the back seat.
"Sure, thing darling." Hilda stepped outside and went around to let Aaron out of the car. "Out we come." Hilda undid Aaron's seat belt. and he climbed out.
As Nathan came around, Aaron stared up, "Momma, I want to be as tall as Nathan."
"Well, I'm sure you will be just as tall as him, Sweatheart." Hilda smiled.
"I think you're going to be way taller than me."
"Really?" Aaron looked stunned about this new piece of information.
Hilda felt the coming of a smile that she didn't expect, especially after her morning. Walking alongside Nathan and watching him as he spoke to Aaron, Hilda couldn't help but feel her heart melt at the sight of them. She never imagined he'd have a paternal side. It was always her belief that he would be fiercely militant towards his son if they ever chanced a meeting. Perhaps Nathan had changed, but did that mean he could just waltz back into Aaron's life and take charge?
"Then after we can play catch?" Aaron asked Nathan, who held his hand.
"What would you like to eat?" Hilda called to Aaron
"What would you like to eat?" Aaron said to Nathan.
Nathan took a moment to think, "How about a burger?"
"Momma, I want a burger." Aaron said.
Hilda, smiled and sighed. "I thought you don't like the burgers here?"
"No. I like them." Aaron pleaded.When they entered they sat at a table and waited to order. Aaron and Nathan faced Hilda. They had bonded faster that she imagined. Hilda saw that this could be a problem.
"Do they have chocolate milkshakes?"
"That's what you want this time, you never finish it. Let's see..." Hilda reached down for the menu just as Nathan did.
Their hands brushed one another.
Their eyes found each other. And together they broke their gaze.Hilda's cheek felt feverish with the blush that rose there.
Chapter 19
Hilda didn't want to acknowledge that the same feeling she had when she first met his eyes still existed within her now. His eyes could take her in and have her thinking about the old days after one glance. Hilda didn't want to be that person again.
"Hey, thanks for allowing this, it must be tough." Nathan said.
Hilda expected that Nathan never knew the half of it. She had put a lot of effort into forgetting him over the years, forgetting the scent of his cologne, which proved absolutely intoxicating for her, forgetting the habits she learned to keep their relationship hidden, which were the stealthy ways she would sneak out or leave groups without being noticed, watching her back constantly.
"I didn't expect you to show up as you did, today didn't feel like a good time."
His eyebrows raised in response. "Care to explain?"
"Mother." Hilda gave a terse smile.
"I think I get it."
They ate and Hilda underwent an inner war of conflicting emotions of displeasure and mirth, as she noticed how Aaron unconsciously imitated the way Nathan ate. He would take a bite as Nathan did, and when Nathan sat back, Aaron sat back. The new Nathan, catching her staring at them, smiled. His smile came across as genuinely sweet, with just a hint of the Nathan she remembered. And it was the old Nathan that caused the butterflies to flutter in her stomach.
"Can we go to the park now, Momma?" Nathan said.
"Yes we can." Hilda nodded to Aaron.
They got into Nathan's car and headed to the park.
The park looked vibrant with activity, families occupied the area, children played, dogs ran excitedly, and couples strolled languidly. Vendors were selling hotdogs and ice cream.
Aaron ran to the playground and took to the slides, leaving Nathan and Hilda alone. Many people gave warm smiles at the sight of Hilda, Nathan, and Aaron, as if they were a family. And Hilda knew no matter how much she tried to kept things as they were before Nathan returned, things had changed.
"Is there a chance you and your mom will patch things up?"
Hilda bit her lip, "I hope so. I shouted at her. I lost control. She always criticizes my parenthood and I
couldn't take it anymore."
"You were stressed. I sure if you apologized and maybe explain that you were stressed, she would forgive you. It's worth a try."
"I used to just cry whenever mother yelled at me. Today I unleashed my anger on her. I should have held it in until she left."
"It's only had made things worse."
"How?"
"You can't bottle it up. Speak with her. Be as gentle as you can. You want her forgiveness? Maybe it isn't going to come easy."
"Yeah, mother doesn't approve of anything I do." Hilda watched Aaron, running with another boy around his age. "Do you remember the letter?"
"Of course." Nathan nodded. Hilda could see Nathan gazing at her intently in her periphery.
"Well, I wished for a long time that I had been raised by him. The man who wrote that letter expressed so much love. You know, mother never told me that she loved me." Hilda felt an ache in her throat.
Nathan was about to say something when a Aaron called.
"Push us." Aaron and his new friend were on swings. As Hilda and Nathan approached the playground, a woman, Hilda assumed was Aaron's companions mother, sat at a table and smiled at Hilda and Nathan warmly.
"A penny for your thoughts." Nathan faced Hilda.
"Where to begin?"
"Maybe with us?" Nathan said as he grabbed hold of Aaron's swing.
"You are definitely not the man I remembered."
"That a good thing?"
"I'm not sure."
"Why?"
"Because it frightens me." Hilda bit down on her lip, then added quickly, "look, you take care of the boys." She walked over to where the boy's mother sat.
"Is okay if I give him a push?" Nathan asked woman at table.
"That's fine." She smiled at Nathan and then turned to Hilda.
Chapter 20
Nathan rested on the kitchen counter as his mother poured coffee. She approached him and leaned in slightly, so Nathan could kiss her cheek.
"And he has your eyes?" His mother had thick brunette hair, with a gray streak. She smiled and took a seat on the stool beside him.
"Yes, he is beautiful. It's still hard to believe. And I didn't know." Nathan, seeing Aaron in his mind triggered an odd feeling in his chest, as if an actual part of himself self was attached to Aaron.
"When I told your father, you should have been there to see his response. But to be honest, we were starting to think that maybe you didn't want a relationship. Or children. Like back then."
"No mom. I'm a different man than I was back then."
"I know, I'm just saying that either way your father and I are going to respect your decision."
"Thanks, Ma." Nathan felt the warmth of the cup between his large hands.
"But, wow. I'm a grandmother. No warning. But that how it is sometimes, trusting God."
"Always. But Hilda, I don't even know if she trusts me. That she doesn't think I'm just getting close to Aaron so I can have them both as another thing to tick off my list?"
"And what about you?" Nathan's mother scanned his face.
"How'd you mean, Ma?"
"Do you trust yourself? Do you trust eachother?"
Nathan took a sip and indulged in the warm liquid flowing through him, feeling embarrassed, and ashamed, then dignified, and finally honest. "I'm really not sure." He looked down into the dark well of black coffee. "There are still feelings beneath the surface. I can't deny that the way I feel about Hilda is a way that I've felt toward any other girl."
"The two of you need time to piece things together. To understand how you've both changed."
"Maybe you're right."
"And I always thought, raising you and Miriam, that your sister would be the handful. Lord knows she was a bit a rebel in a teenage years, but you've been the one to keep me on my toes." Nathan's mother embraced him with a side hug.
"I do need to call Miriam. I can imagine her surprise when she hears that she's an aunt."
"But you and Hilda will have to sit down and discuss the best way to go forward, together, for Aaron's sake."
"I want to, and if I leave things up to her, then I'm not sure if she'll be in a rush to decided where I'm going to fit into her life." Nathan exhaled. "How's dad?"
"Oh, you know, after he hurt his back in the garden last week, he was supposed to be off work for another week, but you know him; it wasn't too long before he got restless."
"Just be thankful that he doesn't get many problems. I always pray that he doesn't come across any shoplifters. Knowing dad, he'll not think twice about apprehending them. Even at his age. He needs to be more careful."
"I tell him, you know. I say don't be so quick to engage trouble makers. Wait for assistance."
"Yeah, and he's not going to listen. is he?"
"He just kisses me and smiles. The Hawks men are all the same, more courage than sense. Which brings me to you."
"Ma, do I have to listen to this again?" Nathan's cell rang, causing his heart to leap for joy at the opportunity to escape another lecture. It was Clive.
"Getting shot, you need to be more careful." Nathan's mother's eyebrows furrowed.
"Wait. Hold that thought." Nathan bent towards his mother and kissed her cheek. He grinned, then took the call.
"Hey Nate, just wanted to say that Laudman & Luke have finally decided to go through with the deal." Clive said.
"That's great news, Clive. I know you've risked life and limb to get that deal."
"You know it, man! Like you always say, sacrifice it all to make more. I feel fu--” Clive stopped himself. "Sorry man, I know you don't like the cursing, but I feel on top of the world." Clive's jubilance was clear.
"Hey man. You slept yet?" Nathan picked up on the tell-tale signs. Clive's voice was cracked and he seemed on the verge of mania.
"Nah man. You always said sleep is for the weak."
Nathan caught himself cringing.
"What time did you come in today?" Nathan has an inkling but wanted to hear it from Clive.
"I ain't been home yet, had to make this work, you know."
"What about Jo and the kids?"
"I don't know man, sometimes that all gives me a headache, you know? I would rather do this."
Nathan heard himself in Clive's voice, but whereas there was a time he would have understood the drive that Clive had, Nathan couldn't help but feel the emptiness of all of his own pursuits.
"Go see the kids. Buy Jo a present."
"Hey don't lecture me, you're just trying to be all alone at the top of the world. Well, I know you're game buddy. Whether you like it or not, I'm going to be right beside you. Anyways, just had to let my old mentor know. Don't act like you're not proud."
"I am, well done. Go get some sleep."
When Clive hung up, Nathan stood staring into the middle distance. Clive had always looked up to him, family and God at one point had been placed behind his goals. Nathan had found his way back to God. He wanted to build a life with Aaron and Hilda, because after all his success, the twist in his stomach told him that even with success he still felt a part of himself was being neglected.
"Now Nathan." His mother pulled his awareness back into the room. "You can't go playing the action hero. It made me worry enough when you were in the military, even though both times you did good work."
"I know, Ma." Nathan cocked his head and smiled, his mother touched him the way she always did when she was worried about him. Nathan thought he would never understand the way they thought. But then Hilda and Aaron were in danger, and Nathan finally realized his mother's fear.
"And..." His mother began.
Nathan's cell rang again.
"Sorry Ma, it's... I have to take it." Nathan shrugged apologetically.
"Hello is this Nathan Hawks?." A deep male voice spoke.
"Speaking."
"Well you might not believe it, but..."
The next words froze Nathan to the spot.
Chapter 21
"Get up to anyth
ing nice on the weekend, Hilda?" Lorna sat across from Hilda, typing away. The office was reverberating with typing.
"Just took Aaron to the park. The weather was gorgeous."
"I'm sure it was." Lorna tone was playfully.
Hilda peered around her monitor and gave Lorna a quizzical look.
"Who was that hunk you were with on Sunday?" Lorna's beaming smile ignited a burning blush in Hilda's cheeks. They girls were always teasing Hilda for her innocence, and wanted to know if she had any skeletons in her closet. Except for Aaron's father not being around, which hinted to at an intriguing past, they couldn't find anything. She never went to clubs, was always too preoccupied with Aaron to find the time for dates, ignored the advances of coworkers, doctors, and anyone else who raised the courage to approach her. But she was always polite, helpful, and hardworking.
"Hunk?" Hilda's mind drew a blank, but then she remembered Nathan. Spending time with him on the weekend, she had failed to noticed the attention he must have received. Whereas when she dated Nathan previously and they took walks together in parks far away from their homes, she couldn't help but sense all the attention Nathan drew from other women. Nathan had seemed to absorb attention. But this time, Nathan didn't seem interested in looking at a single thing other than Aaron or Hilda.
"Don't pretend. Come on, who was he?" Lorna smiled and her eyes lit up.
"Wow, you holding out on us Hilda?" Jenny craned her neck to look at Hilda.
"You're probably talking about Nathan. Well, he's an old friend."
"Oh?" Amanda sitting kitty-corner in the room, pen in mouth, regarded Hilda.
"Oh indeed." Lorna half-smiled. "He is extremely hot. The two of you make a perfect couple."
"Lorna, you would've have said the same thing had I been walking with any guy." Hilda took a sip of her coffee. She really didn't want the conversation to be focused on Nathan.
"That's true." Amanda nodded. "If you just want to set her up with a guy, she can go to dinner with you and Terry."
