by Amy Marie
I try to shut my eyes for a moment and fall asleep thinking of Noelle. Her blonde hair wild and falling into her face. Her body straddling me and I’m gripping her hips.
“Trent.” A voice calls out but it’s not Noelle’s, it’s Alex’s.
“Trent,” she says again but in my dreamlike state I don’t answer. All I can focus on is Noelle’s eyes and the feel of her rubbing on me.
“Please open your eyes.” Alex begs and I finally fulfill her request, desperate for her to leave so that maybe when Noelle gets here we can continue my dream.
My head flies back into the couch in surprise when I find Alex’s face inches from mine, her legs on either side of me.
“Alex, get off me.” I push on her hips gently. I know she is very weak.
Her eyes look heartbreaking and desperate. “I need one more thing from you, Trent. One more item on my bucket list.” She attempts to grind on my still hard dick from my dream of Noelle.
Shit!
“Alex, I can’t do that for you. I can’t.” I plead with her. I don’t want to deny her, but I don’t think I can bring myself to do that when I’m thoroughly in love with someone else.
“Please, Trent. I need to feel like a woman again, not some broken scared girl. I want you to make me feel like you used to. Loved and cherished. I need that from you.”
Before I can protest again her lips are on me. Her hold on me is feeble, and I easily push her away but before I can tenderly diffuse this delicate situation I find Noelle running from the door.
I scream after her pushing Alex to the side. She yelps in discomfort but tells me to run after her. By the time I get outside it’s too late. Noelle is already speeding down the street.
I run back into the house telling Alex not to leave until I get back and grab my keys and wallet. I make it to my truck in record time and speed all the way to Noelle’s house trying dozens of times to call her on her cellphone. It rings and then goes straight to voicemail.
I dig into my console looking for the spare key to the house Erin gave me years ago knowing that when I arrive she most likely won’t let me in.
I told her I didn’t want Alex and that we weren’t together. Then I invite her over and she sees what she has been thinking all along? Shit!
I slam my hands on the steering wheel when I pull in and her car isn’t there. Reaching for my phone I send her a text.
Me: Where are you???
It’s agonizing waiting the entire minute before she responds.
Sunshine: On my knees sucking someone off.
Me: Noelle, tell me where you are!
Five minutes pass before my text pings again but this time it’s Erin.
Erin: WTF Trent! You better tell me what’s going on but right now it’s in your best interest to stay away from her. I’ve got her here.
God damn it! I jump out of the truck, slamming the door and kicking the tire.
FUCK!
I crouch down onto the pavement and pull hard on my hair in desperation to feel something else besides dread.
I was getting somewhere with her. The night in the bar I could tell she and Jace were on the fritz and she told me I was the other guy. Then her reaction to the messed up family dinner we had. I see she feels something for me and I know why she is pulling away. Besides Alex, I know she still has reservations about it not working out and her relationship with everyone in my family.
I could care less about that shit. When Noelle Grant becomes mine, and she will, there will be no need to worry about it working. I’ll marry her in an instant and she will be mine, forever.
I have to see her. I need to make this right. Zipping onto the main road I call Erin. She doesn’t answer so I hit “end” and call Walker.
“You’re fucked, dude,” he answers. “I thought you said you weren’t banging Alex?”
“I’m not!” I yell into the phone. “She just got there a fucking minute too soon.”
“Yea, that doesn’t sound shady at all, Trent. I hope you aren’t coming here because it’s not a pretty sight. I had to keep her from waking Savannah.”
“I don’t give a shit. I’m on my way.” I hang up and push the accelerator down now knowing where she is.
The house’s lower level is lit up and before I can turn the knob to walk in Erin is whipping the door open and shoving me back outside.
“No!” She yells pointing her tiny finger at me. “If you know what’s good for you then you’ll go home and let her seethe. She is pretty pissed.”
“Erin, I have to see her. To explain. It’s not what it looked like.” I stop trying to push my way into the house and sit on the stoop.
“So, Alex wasn’t straddling you in your living room?” Her hands meet her hips in disapproval.
“She was but I was pushing her off, Erin. I swear!” I stand up and yell towards the door. “I SWEAR!”
Erin slaps my shoulder and shushes me. “Savannah is sleeping. I told you I have this. I’ve tried to help you, Trent, and now I need to be there for my friend. You need to go home. Try tomorrow.”
My eyes look to hers begging for someone to understand. “What’s going on with Alex...it’s not my story to tell. I gave up on pursuing Noelle because I was tired of trying to compete with Jace. Then my issues with Alex were keeping me away, but now I can see she might feel for me what I do for her and I’m tired of protecting Alex. Noelle holds the key to my happiness and I love her, Erin. I need her to know that.”
She pulls me into her for a hug. I feel protected and secure even though I’m an entire foot taller than her. She’s my big sister, and I love her for always being on my side no matter what...even if she doesn’t think what I’m doing is right.
She pulls back to look at me. “Go home, Trent. Give her some time. I’ll try to diffuse this.”
I nod, relenting...for now.
I get back to my street, frustrated that I gave up, but knowing that Erin has it under control. She knows how much Noelle means to me, though she still doesn’t know why I’m allowing Alex back after all the talks we had after she left. I swore I wouldn’t let her back if she tried, and it looks to everyone like I’m a hypocrite.
I call my mom as the truck sits in park in the driveway.
“I already heard from Erin,” she answers. “Trent, baby boy, I understand your loyalty to Alex. You’ve always been a faithful man, and I know what’s going on with her is tough but Alex and I have talked. We want you happy. Do what you need to do to be happy.”
Holding the phone to my ear I look down and my head falls onto the steering wheel. “I love her, Mom. I love Noelle and I feel like at every turn we are being pulled apart. I just want things in my life to be simple for once. Is that too much to ask?”
“Nothing worth it is easy to attain. If this pursuit of Noelle is tough just think of how sweet the reward will be.”
A few weeks back I came clean to my mom about Alex. As much as I would love to tell the rest of the family and get them all off my back I want Alex to be the one to explain. If she wants them to know she can tell them but my mom dragged it out of me. She has a way with making her kids do what she wants.
I hang up and walk back into the house trying to keep my anger and sadness at bay. Alex didn’t know that she was on her way and I feel for her. I understand she wants to feel like a woman but my love for Noelle runs stronger than that. It runs through my blood and seeps through my body. I don’t belong to myself anymore. Noelle has ruined me and built me up all in the same instant. I pray to the Gods above that this whole summer can be fixed.
Alex is at the dining room table tissues scattered around. Her eyes are bloodshot and her body looks more tired than usual. She looks up at me, tears spilling down her cheeks. “Trent, I’m so sorry. I feel stupid and embarrassed.”
My head falls back and I look up towards the ceiling, taking a deep breath. Her sobs get louder, and I drag my feet over and kneel in front of her.
“Alex. You didn’t know she was coming and there
is nothing to be embarrassed about.” I pull her face down to look at me. “I would love to be the one to make you feel like that again but I just can’t. For that I’m so sorry.”
She sniffles and nods her head in understanding. “I know. It’s not only your heart that belongs to her. When you love someone so deeply every fiber of your being is theirs.”
“Noelle does that to me.” I take a deep breath knowing what I’m going to say might hurt. “When you left, Alex, my world shifted. A wall went up, and I focused on doing my best for Jason and me, but feeling like it wasn’t enough. When I would pick him up, Noelle would tell me she was proud of me for going after my dream. When she was playing or sleeping with Jason, my wall would come down one brick at a time. When I realized I wanted her and was over you, I hid it. Now she knows I can’t do or think about anything else besides her. I don’t want to do anything to jeopardize that. I’ve fucked it up enough.”
She smiles at me and takes my hand. “You have to tell her about me.”
“Not my story to tell, Alex.” I shake my head side to side. “Even with your permission I can’t do that.”
“I understand,” she says standing up and walking to the front door. “I’ll see you in a few days.”
I silently watch her leave and just as the door closed my text pings again and I pull my phone out of my pocket.
Walker: Erin is sleeping with Noe in the guest bedroom. Cock block.
Me: That’s my fucking sister, asshole!
Walker: I overheard their conversation. My advice...give her a few days and then strike. She's hurt and confused right now. Dude, you messed up but she's not done with you yet. Trust me, just give it a few days. If she didn't care she wouldn't be this upset.
As much as my brother in law’s aggressive tactics irritate me, he does know what he is talking about. To make my sister fall in love with him after her fuck up of an ex cheated on her, he has to know what he’s talking about.
I’ll give her a few days and then I’m going full force.
This must be what Trent felt like when he saw me kiss Jace. Like someone took a knife and cut a jagged circle into my chest, ripped my heart out, and stabbed it repeatedly until I couldn’t feel a damn thing anymore. Either that or the tequila Erin fed me through an IV is causing this paralyzing feeling.
“It was terrible,” I call out into their guest bedroom throwing my tingling hands around. “They were practically fucking, Erin!” I gasp. “Do you think he wore a condom with her? He didn’t with me!”
“Wow!” She half-heartedly giggles. “That’s just something his sister shouldn’t know.”
I’m astonished and turn my anger towards her. “You don’t want to know, Erin? I mean why not? You think you know everything anyways. You always are telling him where we are, what I’m doing. It’s not his business. Alex’s vagina is his business. Not my vagina, Alex’s! My pussy is all mine.”
“Noe.” Her “don’t poke the bear” tone comes out. Like she is trying to talk someone down off of a ledge.
“Don’t give me that ‘Noe’ shit, Erin.” I curl up on my side in the darkened room and face the large bay window looking out to the backyard. “You keep giving him inside information but never told me he why he took her back.”
“I don’t know why she is around, Noelle, but you have to know that I wasn’t telling him those things to hurt you. I just want you to be happy and I know that you two would make each other happy. He has loved you for so long and I can see how your whole mood shifts when he is around.”
I ignore her continuing my rant. “I know he is your brother, but Jesus Christ, I’m going fucking crazy here. I want him so bad and I can’t have him.”
The only sound in the room now is my rapidly beating heartbeat. I know Erin heard that because I’m pretty sure I said it out loud.
“Erin,” I speak into the dense air.
She strokes a piece of my hair behind my ear and with a smile evident in her tone she asks, “Yes?”
“I want him.” I proclaim and turn my face into the pillow and start to cry. “I need him.”
“I know. It’ll work out. I promise. You two are just too stubborn. When one of you caves, the other stands tall and vice versa. You are both going to have to take the blindfolds off at the same time and see what the hell is in front of you.”
A soft knock breaks up our little heart to heart as Walker steps in.
“Noe, someone is here to see you,” he says turning on the light momentarily blinding me.
“Tell him to go away.” I sob into my pillow. “I’m not ready to see him yet.”
“I’ll go talk to him again,” Erin sighs, pushing herself up to a sitting position.
“No, baby,” Walker tells her. “It’s not Trent. Noe, I think you should come downstairs.”
Frustrated, I grab my pillow and throw it to the floor and stand. The alcohol rushes to my head and I flop down onto the bed again. Determination takes over and I stand with power, finally gaining my balance.
Walker takes my arm as we descend the stairs slowly. His biceps are bulky but lean, if that even makes sense, and I squeeze to see how hard they are.
“I’m taken, sweetheart.” He jokes placing his other hand on mine.
“I could never want you. You’re too messy and a pain in my ass.” I drunkenly state earning myself a snort from him.
I stop halfway down the staircase and look to him. “Plus, I have enough trouble with two men, I don’t need a third, even if you do have a thunder tongue.”
He laughs again, and we finish the trek down. Turning the corner and down the hall, I find Alex standing in the living room. Her hands are folded in front of her, and her fingers are interlocked and fidgety. When she sees me her shoulders tense up. She looks like she lost five pounds since dinner tonight, and the bags under her eyes are prominent.
Stepping forward she reaches out to take my hand from Walker but my grip stays strong. “No. I want you to leave. Go back to Trent or are you leaving them again?”
She cringes, and I know I cut her deep. I don’t care.
“Noelle!” Erin chastises walking into the room behind us.
Alex shakes her head and takes a seat in the chair across from the couch. Never looking up she asks, “Can I have five minutes? If after five minutes you want me to leave then I will. I’ll never even look your way again but just give me a chance to talk to you.”
I let go of Walker’s arm and attempt to walk a straight line to the couch. Turning around I tell Erin and Walker it’s okay to leave, and I promise to be nice.
“You have three minutes starting now.” I cut her wanted time short.
She wastes the first thirty seconds looking around the room like the answer is there. It’s not. But when she does speak, the first words out of her mouth cause my stomach to drop.
“I have four months to live, if that.” Her head falls into her hands, and I’m immobile.
“What?” It’s all I can say. She’s dying? “What are you talking about?”
She stands up and places herself next to me on the couch. My buzz from the alcohol is gone since the bucket of ice cold water was dumped on me with this information.
“I don’t plan on going into very many details but after I left Trent and Jason I found out that I had breast cancer. It spread quickly and they did everything they could. It just can’t be fought anymore and I’m just too tired to fight it.”
“You have to!” I yell standing up. She can’t just give up, can she?
Her fingers find mine and pull me back down. “There is nothing they can do, Noelle, but I didn’t come here to make you feel bad. I came to explain.”
Oh, yea. She was straddling Trent the last time I saw her. With the bomb she just dropped I had forgotten all about that.
“It doesn’t matter what was going on with you and Trent,” I tell her. As much as that hurts to say I think I now understand why he hasn’t told me what’s going on.
“It matters. It matters to me bec
ause I don’t want to die knowing things aren’t how fate wants them to be. You two belong together. You have to see that!”
She grabs a tissue off the end table and blows her nose.
“I came back a few months ago. I was staying at my parent’s house and sneaking around to see Jason. I loved the one on one time I was getting with him. When Trent found out he lost it, took Jason and stormed out of the house. I don’t blame him. I left them and then I didn’t tell him I was back and seeing Jason. I had to make things right or he wouldn’t let me see my son again so I told him why I was back.
“I left them because I couldn’t take care of my baby. I didn’t expect anything from him but I was so grateful he decided to let me live with him and see my son with what precious few moments I have left. He’s been taking me to places I’ve wanted to go, things I want to do. Kind of like a bucket list.”
She stands up and walks to the window, arms crossed and gazing out into the night. I keep still on the couch as she begins to talk again. “I’ve lost myself, Noelle. I don’t feel like a woman anymore. I feel broken and beat up and I wanted to feel alive for one more moment.”
Turning from the window she finds my eyes, filled to the brim with tears. I’ve thought about death and dying and I never want to know when it’s coming. To live your life scared for those few months you have left would be terrifying to me.
“I’m so sorry, Alex,” I say, but it feels like it’s not enough. Nothing could be enough.
I hated this woman and now I want to give her whatever she needs.
Then it hits me.
“Trent.” It’s one word but she nods and I now fully understand his motives.
Why she lives with him. Why he is always with her. Why he can be doing all that and not be with her.
“I wanted to feel invincible again and though I know he loves you I still made a move on him, using my mortality as an excuse. He pushed me off, I don’t know if you saw that but he did. He’s been keeping my secret, taking me where I want to go, giving me everything that I need but because he loves you so much he won’t dare touch me. Understand, Noelle, that his love is intoxicating. I should know. I had his love for years before I threw it away like it meant nothing. I now know it meant everything.”
