by Amy Marie
It’s not the best place to have this conversation but both Hadley and I are on our lunch breaks and she said she needed to get some things off her chest. So, here I am at Market Square Restaurant waiting for her to arrive. I look around, the place buzzing, and try to calm my nerves. I’m trying to figure out what she wants to tell me and after finding out from Wendy that she told Hadley about our trysts I’m nervous she won’t want to continue whatever it is that we’re doing.
I love doing whatever it is that we’re doing.
I smile to myself and think about the other day. I’m making progress breaking down her walls while simultaneously building her up.
“Can I get you anything while you’re waiting,” the overly friendly server asks me. When I tell her no she hurriedly moves to the next table.
As I scan the room I see someone I haven’t seen in years and inwardly cringe.
Nothing much has changed about her. You can tell from the way she sits that she is as pretentious as she was in high school.
Her curly blonde hair is a bit tamer and I don’t know a lot about fashion but her shirt costs more than anything on my body. Including the cash in my wallet.
Yea, I grew up with a lot of money, but it was my parent’s money and if I’m being honest with myself it embarrassed me more than anything. My parents liked to flaunt it whereas Julia and I pretended like we didn’t get fifty thousand dollar cars for our sixteenth birthday. We drove Chevy’s and Dodge’s just to fit in. To this day we both won’t take a penny from them unless the power is about to be turned off. We seem to make it on our own, even if Julia struggles sometimes. Usually any money my mom sends to her she automatically puts into the girls’ accounts. Where we tried to hide our money, Emie did everything she could to flaunt it, just as she is right now.
Her blue eyes finally look up and recognition registers. Her facial features turn angry as she excuses herself from someone I can only describe as a beefcake and stalks her way over with purpose. When she nears the table I have to tilt my head back so that I can meet her stare.
Her hand comes out and leans on the back of the booth behind me, her fingers just inches away from my shoulder. She puffs out her chest, making her boobs look bigger than they are, and clicks her tongue.
“Ryder Blake.” She licks her lipstick clad lips. “I haven’t seen you in a while, but I heard you were in town.”
I quirk and eyebrow at her. “You have, huh? From who?”
She takes it upon herself to slide into the seat across from me and I’m instantly annoyed. “Why Hadley, of course. Seems like you’ve been sniffing around her lately and I don’t like it.”
I shake my head looking to the door and silently praying that Hadley walks. When I find the door empty I turn my attention back to Emie.
“Oh yea, well I guess I like her scent. Can you leave? I’m waiting on someone.” I point to her table not so subtly excusing her.
“Ryder.” Her hands graze over the top of mine. “Why are you still hung up on her?”
Pulling my hands away I give her a look that should drop her dead where she sits. “Don’t touch me again.”
Not taking the hint she continues, “I just don’t understand what your draw to her was in high school. I think her leaving you was the best thing she could have done.”
“Are you serious right now?” I ask astonished.
“Why wouldn’t I be?” she asks sweetly though I know better. This is the girl who lied to me about knowing where Hadley was and then told her I was sleeping around after she left.
“You have a lot of nerve, Emie. I came to you and spilled my guts begging for information where she went.” I raise my voice. “You told me you didn’t know and I recently found out that was a fucking lie.”
I try to calm myself down but it’s not working. “And,” I continue. “Does your best friend know that you tried to sleep with me and I turned you down?”
Her face straightens out. Long gone is the tigress that walked over here a minute ago. “Fuck you, Ryder.”
“I thought we established this in high school, Emie. I’ve already said no thank you.” I insult her and continue, “I don’t get why you lied to her.”
She looks out the window and then back to me. “What did I lie about?”
I look at her like she is stupid. How could she not know what she did? Hadley said she told Emie all about us.
I take a sip of my water and can see my hand shaking. I’m trying to get over what happened back then. Trying to allow Hadley more time to tell me why she left but having Emie here in my face is bringing back those old wounds. When I see Hadley I think of all the amazing times we had together but when I look at Emie all I see is the heartbreak that I suffered. To think maybe things would have been different had Emie told her the truth, that I was looking for her and I could barely look at another girl or even that she cornered me and tried to have her way with me. But then I think that if she hadn’t left none of that would have mattered.
“You lied to Hadley about what I was doing after she left,” I whisper yell so I don’t draw too much attention to us.
Her eyes widen in shock. She doesn’t say anything so I continue, “Yea, she told me what you said. I haven’t told her the real story just yet but don’t fucking push me, Emie. I won’t hesitate.”
She stands up abruptly. “You can’t threaten me. And who do you think she is going to believe, Ryder, you or me?”
Now we have the attention of the other patrons.
I don’t look up but I hope I get my point across. “I don’t know, Emie, but I will tell her eventually. I won’t have secrets between Hadley and me.”
“Oh, really.” She sneers leaning in but her voice is still annoyingly high. I’d like to shove a pencil in my ear so I’d never have to hear her voice again.
“Yea, really. I plan on pursuing her until she is mine and making sure she knows what really happened is part of it. No more lies.”
“Well.” She straightens up. “Make sure you ask her about your baby she aborted right after she left. I’m sure clearing up that little lie will help in your pursuit.”
My breathing stops and I feel my stomach coil. I feel sick.
A baby?
My baby?
Abortion?
“Oh my God!” I hear the betrayal in Hadley’s voice come from behind Emie.
Emie whips around. “Hadley.” She breathes out, embarrassed.
Hadley looks at me, tears welling in her eyes, before she turns and runs out the door.
“Is everything okay here?” the manager comes over to ask.
I ignore him pushing back Emie and following after Hadley. I make it past the second set of doors and look left and right finding her just as she gets to her car. Before she can slam her door shut. I block it with my hand.
“Let me go, Ryder!” she yells tugging harder on the door.
I throw it open. “No!” I scream leaning down onto my knees so I’m eye level with her. She won’t even look at me.
“Look at me,” I command but she doesn’t listen. She just puts the keys in the ignition and turns her car on. I can feel a warm blast of air float out into the cold. “Look at me now!”
When she finally listens, and she turns her body towards me, I find a broken woman. Tears stream down her face and all I want to do is wipe them away.
“Hadley, talk to me,” I beg after.
Looking down she whispers, “I was pregnant. I wanted to tell you, Ryder, but Emie told me you moved on and I...” Her sobs get loud and I close her door.
I can see her look around to see if I’m leaving. I don’t. I walk to the passenger side and pull the door open and climb in. Reaching out I bring Hadley’s shaking body into mine.
“It’s okay, Had. It’s okay. You did what you had to do in your situation.” I try to comfort her but I’m not sure I’m speaking the truth. I don’t know if it was okay to leave me out of the decision making process. I feel gutted right now.
She drags hers
elf away from me. “No.”
“No? No what?” I ask.
“I didn’t have an abortion, Ryder.” She cries. “I lost the baby. I lost our baby. I’m so sorry. I was going to tell you.”
Relief takes over me. For a brief moment I doubted Hadley. I doubted that she ever really loved me and if she terminated my child than she didn’t have the faith in us that I did. She left me, yes, but even if what I did–and I still don’t know what–was so terrible I believe she would have kept that baby and let me love it too. We would have a made it work.
“Don’t apologize.” I grab both of her hands into mine. “God, Hadley. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you. I’m sorry that whatever it is I did or you think I did caused you to have to go through that alone.”
Her green eyes, filled with dread and apology, look me dead in the face and I know that there is more. “I need to know, Ryder, what was all of it for?”
My brows furrow with confusion. “All of what for?”
She lets go of one of my hands to wipe a stray tear. “Us, in high school. Did you ever love me or did you really think I was trash?”
“Hadley,” I chastise. “How could you ever think that? I was willing to give it all up for you. I was about to tell my parents to fuck off before you hightailed it out of there. I was devastated. Why would you even say that?”
“That night,” she starts. “After we left the training room.”
I nod, remembering. It was the last time I had seen her. I don’t even remember seeing her on the field that night but that wasn’t uncommon.
“I remember.”
“I heard what you said to Todd Mitchell,” is all she says and then looks at me like I should know what the hell she is talking about.
“You have to be more specific, Spark,” I tell her as I reach over and push her hair behind her ears and wipe a thumb down her cheek. “What did you hear?”
I don’t even remember talking to Todd too much that night. I just recall looking for her afterwards and then figuring she had to go straight home. It wasn’t until the next day I realized something was wrong.
Hadley pulls the other hand away from me. Her next words coming out harsh through her sobs. “She’s nothing but trash. Been there, done that. You can have her.”
“Had, what are you...” I start to say but then it all becomes very clear.
“Hey, Ryder!” Todd calls out as I walk towards him, supplies in hand, a smile plastered on my face and my fingers still burning from Hadley’s skin. I can’t wait until tomorrow after I talk to my parents and tell them about her. Then I can tell everyone that Hadley Chase is mine.
“What’s up, man?” I ask, handing him some supplies.
He stutters for a moment, looking nervous. “Well, I was wondering if you were still seeing Bridgette Tate. I was thinking of asking her to homecoming.”
I laugh. “You sure about that, man? She is kinda nuts.”
“Yea. We’ve been talking on the phone the past few weeks and I wanted to make sure you were okay with it.” He laughs, brushing off the insult but feel like I need to warn him. Bridgette is conniving and gets around–a lot.
I pat him on the shoulder. “I’m sure, man.”
“I just saw both of you going into the training room. Nothing is going on?” Todd’s eyebrows raise in question.
I shake my head no and steer him towards the field. “She’s nothing but trash. Been there, done that. You can have her.”
When I come to from my memory Hadley has moved all the way over to her side of the car and now has her arms crossed over her chest.
“Let me just talk you down from that ledge you’ve perched yourself up on.”
She huffs so I reach over and pull her chin my way.
“That night, the night after we snuck away in the training room, Todd was asking if he could take Bridgette Tate to homecoming. I was giving him a warning,” I tell her straight into her eyes so she can see I’m not bullshitting her. “I loved you and I would have never disrespected you like that.”
That was it all along. That tiny moment in time where words that were said were taken out of context. Three sentences changed my entire world in a heartbeat and here I am seven years later just learning about it. Flashes of all the heartache, anguish, sadness, depression, burying myself in other women when it should have been Hadley all along. If she would have just talked to me about it, confronted me, hell, hit me. I would have gladly taken it so that I wouldn’t have lost all this time with her.
“Oh my God,” she whispers, drawing her chin out of my fingers, and then repeats it. “Oh my God.”
“What?”
“All this time. All this time I thought you were talking about me and you were talking about Bridgette.” Her voice raises an octave. “I left you. I lost our baby. I spent my college years nursing a heartbreak that was nonexistent.” Then she turns to me. “I left you. Oh, God, Ryder. How do I even start to ask for your forgiveness? I’m so sorry.”
I reach over, grasp her under her arms and pull her on top of me. Her legs spread and fall on either side of me. Taking her face into my hands, I pull her mouth just inches from mine. Her eyes are still filled with tears. I lift my lips and kiss her nose. “We start over.”
Her body relaxes. “How can you even say that? Shouldn’t you hate me?”
I kiss the corner of her mouth and snake one of my hands to her hips. “I don’t hate you. I never have. We were young and naïve. Do I wish you would have talked to me about it? Yes, but you can’t change what happened in the past. All we can do is start over. We won’t let all that happened hinder what I think is happening between the two of us. I want to keep exploring what I think could be even better than it was before but no more running.”
She nods, initiating a chaste kiss. “No more running.”
I smile. “Let’s have a friendly kiss to seal the deal.”
Her mouth crashes to mine and I forget where we are and where I’m supposed to be. I don’t care. The wrath of Sgt. Dickhead will be well worth it after I worship this beautiful mouth of hers.
I throw open the glass door leading back into the restaurant looking for my so called best friend. I don’t know what she was doing here or why she told Ryder I aborted my baby. Never once did that thought even cross my mind and she knows how utterly devastated I was when I miscarried.
I had thought about calling Ryder numerous times after I found out I was pregnant. Despite Emie telling me he was being a manwhore, which I now, after our chat in the car, found out that wasn’t true at all, I still knew I owed it to Ryder to tell him about the baby. I drove to my parent’s house a week later. I knew I had to tell them too and after confessing to my mother that Friday night I went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night I woke up to blood all over me and the bed. My mom took me to the emergency room where they couldn’t find a heartbeat and that I was miscarrying. After they ran some tests they asked me to come back a few weeks later for a check up to make sure everything looked okay.
I was devastated. The idea of being a mother grew on me in the two weeks since I had found out and I knew that once I told Ryder he would have been there for me one hundred percent, even if at the time I thought he saw me as trash.
I never went to see him or Emie that weekend. I stayed in bed and on Sunday evening my mother drove me back to my aunt’s house. I tried to believe that it happened for a reason. That there was something wrong with the baby and God wanted to call them home before they even took their first breath. I did a lot of soul searching. I put my focus into my art, my school and getting my life back in order.
I never wanted to go through that again and so in college I avoided all the drunken one night stands that all my friends were having. That way I was protected both mentally and physically.
I look around the dining area and come up empty. She must have left when Ryder and I were in the car.
I walk back outside deciding on a drive thru since I didn’t have time to eat before I head back to
the office.
“You know I did what was best for you,” I hear her voice from beside my car.
Anger rises and I feel my face heat up. I can’t even look at her right now. “You lead me to believe he had moved on when you knew how much I loved him. Don’t you think that I should decide what’s best for me or not.”
“Hadley.”
I finally glare her way. “No. You knew I needed him after I found out about the baby and yet you still decided to give me bullshit information. You’re supposed to be my best friend, Emie.”
“I am!” she yells throwing her hands up. “Don’t you think it hurt me to do that?”
I scoff. “Ha! Do what exactly? Try to seduce the guy I was in love with?”
She moves closer to me but I step away. I feel like I don’t know her anymore, like I never did.
“I was trying to keep you from the heartbreak that came at the end. It was never going to work out. You were both from opposite sides of the track.” She tries to reason.
“So, I was poor and he was rich. Who cares? You’re wealthy too, Em. You were still my best friend, unless that was a fucking lie too.”
She shakes her head. “Don’t say that.”
“Why did you tell him I got an abortion, Emie? We’re trying to work back to where we used to be and you tried to sabotage it. You’ve been doing that since the day you found out we had been together. Are you jealous?”
“Why would I be jealous of you?” she questions then slams her hand over her mouth.
“Well.” I open the door to my car. “I guess you don’t have any reason to be. But your little scheme didn’t work. We both know everything now and the only thing that has changed is now you are out of the equation. Might make for a better outcome.”
“You’re right,” she says stopping me in my tracks.
I glare at her. “About?”
She sighs. “I was jealous. I knew, Hadley. I caught you two a few times.” She shakes her head. “When you would ditch plans with me I would drive to your house and watch him climb in your window. I knew and I was jealous because I wanted him. So, when you left I used it to my advantage. I only have high school immaturity to blame.”
