"Like you could keep that promise," she whispered back. "You already told me your family's camera crazy."
"That's not the point." He held out the sweater. "Trust me."
"I'll try." She met his eye, her smile smaller than before, but real. "That's my promise." She pretended to glare at him afterwards. "But no reindeer nose. I'm drawing the line at that."
Jewel Pastry
January
January the second was too chaotic to be a working day, Danni decided. She had spent the morning curled up in bed instead of finishing her latest round of manuscript edits. Paging through social media photo albums afterwards, seeing snapshots of herself and Logan at his family's Christmas party. Kissing beneath the mistletoe, crowded into a photo with his sister and her boyfriend Doug. Smiling on the sofa between his Aunt Marsha and his grandfather.
Already, his mother was talking about Danni coming to Thanksgiving dinner next year, and Marissa was texting her cute kitten videos. Logan had been right all along. His family was definitely happy to see him in love, and Danni hadn't disappointed them.
The first text of the morning had been from Logan, though. Dinner tonight at Louisa's?
Yes, she texted back. They had missed their anniversary dinner, since New Year's Eve had been spent with his sister and his brother's family, and they'd caught a late flight home on New Year's Day. She had been waiting to celebrate alone with him for two days. For an anniversary gift, she had bought him an antique wristwatch she had seen him admire online once.
He remembered Louisa's was her favorite new Italian place, too. She smiled, imagining the two of them sitting there by candlelight.
Make it breakfast, too, he texted as she was walking to Pauline's. She knew he would be waiting at their table when she entered. Probably with his usual cup of coffee and a smile.
See me yet? she texted back. Glancing through the crowd, she spotted him at the table. He was in his best suit, his blue tie setting off his eyes perfectly.
"Good morning," she said, kissing his cheek. "Miss me?" He had spent half of last night at her apartment, laughing over the video his father made of Logan, Danni, and Marissa playing in the snow on Christmas Day.
"I did." His smile was one of pure happiness. She'd never seen him like this, a sign that their vacation over the holidays had loosened all the knots from work and the daily grind, leaving the carefree version of Logan who had gone sledding in the snow.
"So why did you want to see me so early?" she asked. "Why didn't you just wait until lunch, like always?"
"Because it's our anniversary," he answered. "Because we didn't get to spend the day together on New Year's Day, and I wanted us to."
"I know." She let her fingers weave themselves between his own. "I regretted that, too. Stuck with your sister and brother all day."
"My horrible family," he supplied, with a wry grin.
"They weren't too bad," she said. "In fact, I think they're growing on me." She smiled. "Your sister wants me to help her pick out her dress for freshman year formal."
"Dress shopping. That sounds serious." He pulled her closer. Danni moved her chair closer, and snuggled against him.
"One year ago, we were sitting across from each other at this table," she said. "Remember? We had spent New Year's Day trying to figure out what exactly happened to us the night before."
"I wasn't figuring it out," answered Logan. "I knew. I just wanted to be sure you did."
"Why? My poker face fooled you?" she asked him. "I wasn't in that deep a denial that I wanted you."
He smiled. "We split pancakes, didn't we?"
"And I had one of those deluxe hot chocolates."
"Limited time only," added Logan. She could feel his grin even without seeing it.
She was quiet for a moment. "Remember our first date?" she asked. "When you still weren't sure I wanted you to kiss me?"
"Remember our first fight?" he asked. "I thought you were going to chew my head off in this place."
"I thought your apology was sweet," she said. "Not many men could bite the bullet and face me that honestly after I embarrassed them like that."
"Well, the second kiss was enough to convince me you were worth it," he answered.
"The second kiss," she repeated. "That was something, wasn't it?" Even now, it was her favorite memory from their relationship. As good as any fantasy she might have had the day after their first date, when she imagined locking lips passionately with him on impulse.
"In your vision of the future, are we still that passionate?" he asked. "When it's you and me in a nursing home. With your quad cane and my wheelchair."
"Yes," she said. "A million years from now, we'll still be that happy." She smiled at the thought.
"Today's breakfast special — jewel pastries," said Kimberly. "French pastry featuring three different flavors of jam." She placed them on the table. Six little dessert diamonds encasing blueberry, raspberry, and lemon filling, a sprinkle of crystal sugar across the top of each one.
"They're gorgeous," said Danni. She reached for one, then noticed that Logan's body language wasn't relaxed anymore. In fact, he was almost trembling.
Her hand paused halfway to the plate. When she looked into Logan's eyes, she knew what was happening. In his right hand was a small velvet box. Too small for a necklace, too nice for a gag gift like the neon reindeer nose.
"I was going to wait until tonight, but I couldn't," he said. "I can't wait any longer. It just feels ... right."
She couldn't move. For a moment, she couldn't breathe. He lifted the lid. Inside, a ring with a small stone. A diamond surrounded by tiny sapphires. Her favorite stone.
She could feel the tears gather in her eyes. "Logan," she whispered. "It's so beautiful ..."
"Danni," he said. "I know you're not surprised. You know how I feel about you."
"I know." Her voice was still soft and quiet. "I do." She blinked away the tears. Laughing a little as one escaped her eyes.
"What do you say?" he asked. "Marry me, Danielle." He smiled at her. "Let's do this. Let's start living our future now. Let's pick a day this May and start a new life together."
Her eyes had been alight with happiness until these last words. "May?" she said. "That's — that's barely five months away."
"It doesn't have to be May," he said. "Maybe August or September — a fall wedding. It doesn't matter which month to me."
Which month. Danni's heart thudded, as if it was sinking lower in her chest. She felt the rush of emotions overwhelming her. Everything was changing with this question. Everything.
"Just say yes, Danni."
She touched the ring in the box. "I want to." The words left her throat softly, tenderly. "I want to, but ... Logan ..."
"But what?" he asked.
She could see the betrayal creeping into his face. As if the happiness and trust was melting away before she even had a chance to answer him. Instead of driving her towards the right answer, the logical answer, she felt herself pulled away by it.
Her lips parted, but no words came out. The hurt in Logan's eyes was overwhelming. Danni's gaze dropped to the table, where the ring in the box had become a glittery blur beneath her tears.
"Tell me what's wrong." Logan's voice was solemn.
"Nothing's wrong." Her voice was breaking, although she was trying to gather its pieces and make it whole again. "Logan, please don't think that."
"What else am I supposed to think?" he asked. "I thought you wanted this. I thought we were both ...." He stopped speaking. It was too hard for him to go on, she realized.
They were both quiet, the little box between them. Carefully, Logan closed its lid. He stared out the window, and Danni could see the tears in his eyes, the ones he was fighting not to lose. She gazed at the table arrangement, the bud vase with the cluster of red roses, her favorites, and the beautiful little pastries. Jewel pastries to represent the ring in the box. They weren't today's special, she realized. They were special for her.
"Will that be all?" Kimberly had returned, her bright smile in place, fading a little as she glimpsed Danni's and Logan's faces. Undoubtedly, she had figured out the reason for the special pastries and the flowers. And the reason for the tense silence at the table now.
"Nothing else, thanks," said Logan, quietly. He smiled at her, but it was brief and empty.
Danni said nothing. A moment later, they were alone at the table again, as isolated in their own thoughts as if the table were an ocean between them.
****
Feeling her heart begin to fracture was unbearable. The wound from this morning was only the beginning. Hours of crying in her apartment hadn't healed it, but deepened it. And more cracks were beginning to form.
I should have said 'yes,' to him instantly, she told herself. Anything to keep from losing him. We could have fought about the details later, but I shouldn't have hurt him. I didn't know, I didn't think he would take the leap right now.
She should have found the words to tell him what she felt inside the moment he showed her the ring. The fear and the anxiety for the unknown step ahead of them. Anything to keep him from thinking she didn't love him.
What if he gives up on us?
Facing a future without Logan. It was too painful to think about, but she knew she had to make herself do it. No love had ever come this far; no loss had ever cost her this much. That was the price of loving someone deeply. And all the reasons she loved him that way were reasons he might not come back.
She hadn't talked to anyone about this, not her family or her friends. She told Gabby she had a cold and was too tired to meet for a movie. She sent her mother a quick email that held nothing personal, and posted on her social media pages that she was holed up with a manuscript and a deadline.
Logan hadn't said anything, either. At least his social media pages showed no change in his relationship status, no posts that weren't reposts of tech videos or geeky software reviews. She couldn't look at his page for more than a few seconds before a lump formed in her throat.
She got out of her apartment to seek sustenance, after she had applied enough makeup to hide some of the traces of her tears, in case she ran into someone she knew. Pauline's was less crowded in the evenings. She could grab a sandwich and a coffee and be back at her place in ten minutes' time.
Her hand was on the door when she felt someone touch her arm. "Danni." Logan's voice was in her ear.
She froze in her tracks. For a second, she couldn't bring herself to turn around and face him. When she did, she couldn't bring herself to smile.
"I went to your apartment," he said, at last. "You weren't there." The catch in his voice told her how hard this was for him.
"I thought I'd —" she began.
"— grab some dinner," he finished, at the same time as herself. "Yeah, that's what I thought," he continued. "So I came here."
She should tell him she was sorry. The words of apology didn't come, leaving an empty space in her throat. Gazing into Logan's eyes, she could see the same pain as before, with a resignation that was new. Fear thudded in Danni's chest.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm sorry I put you in that position. I thought we ... I thought we were both in the same place. If I had realized you still had doubts...."
"I don't have doubts about you," she said, without waiting for him to finish. "I love you, Logan. I don't have any doubts about that."
"Just about sharing your life with me?" he asked. "That's the same thing, Danni."
"I want you in my life," she said. "I want to be part of your future. Just ... just not this quickly. Not yet."
"Then what?" He moved closer to her, his voice quiet. A customer brushed past him to enter the cafe, barely giving them a glance. "What do you want instead?"
"I don't know," she answered. "I just know that I love you. I want to be with you." She looked into his eyes as deeply as she could. "I don't want a timeline. I don't want to speed towards the end of what's happening between us. I want to go slowly and live every moment of it."
"I didn't think of marrying you as the end. It's a beginning for me," he said. "It's not that way for you?"
"Yes," she answered. "And at the same time, it's not. It's the end of so many things that could still happen to us." She struggled to find her words. "We don't know where we want to be in a year, much less five, Logan. We don't know if we see ourselves in your hometown or mine, or halfway across the world. We don't even know when we want to start a family. If we want one, even."
She didn't know the answers to these things, not with so many possibilities in their future, so many unformed plans. Did he? she wondered. Or had he already pictured the answers — different ones than she might find, if she was forced to choose right now?
She tried to find the answers in his eyes, despite her tears, and all the doubts clouding his gaze. If she asked him with words, and everything fell apart when he answered, she couldn't deal with it. Her heart would shatter into a million pieces.
"We'll talk about all of those things," Logan promised. "We will. Just like we talked about politics, and philosophy, and all the things we care about the most. It'll happen, I promise," he added, tenderly brushing a strand of hair aside from her face. "If we see this through."
If. He had been thinking it might be over, too. Danni felt a new wave of tears in her eyes, ones she held back with all her might. "If we wait —" she began. "If we wait until we both know what we want in life —"
"You think we need more time," he said. He swallowed hard. "That's what you're asking of me. We can agree to disagree on this one."
Can you wait? was the question she was really asking. Will we survive if we do?
"I want to be with you," she whispered. "I want to marry you. I just don't know when or where — not yet." She blinked back her tears, fiercely. "Can you understand that, Logan?"
"I can," he answered. He wasn't looking at her. His eyes were turned away, to keep her from seeing what was in them. From seeing the hurt, she imagined.
Until now, they had been two people talking outside a cafe — arguing, if anyone passing by had cared to notice. But now Danni touched him, pulling him closer. Softly, she laid her head against his shoulder, one hand against his heart. It was beating fast and hard. His body was tense, trembling beneath his coat.
"I love you," he said. There was no doubt in those words, whatever else he felt.
"I know," she whispered. She closed her eyes as she felt his arms encircle her. Holding her carefully, but not tightly. Not tight enough to make her feel she couldn't be free.
She didn't need him to say anything to know he didn't want to wait. It wasn't all right that she wasn't ready to start their future together. He was pretending, and it was hurting him to do it.
There was distance between them, even though they were holding each other. Danni could feel it, and knew the ache of regret they shared was here to stay.
Daisies
February
It was Valentine's Day, and Logan had purchased a bouquet of flowers this morning, choosing a mix of daisies and freesia. Danni had made him a card with a daisy on it for one of their anniversaries. He kept it taped to his mirror, even though Danni laughed at him for doing it.
Danni didn't laugh as often these days. Things between them weren't quite back to normal after his impromptu proposal. One Logan could kick himself for making, although he'd thought at the time they were both ready. He'd been sure of it. Things couldn't have been more perfect when they met each others' families. Things had been perfect between them since last summer, in fact. Right up to the moment he gave Danni the ring.
Lately, they had spent less time going out and more time at each others' apartments. Logan cooked dinner for her, pasta dishes out of a modern Italian cookbook he had purchased. Danni would make them banana splits at her place, and plan movie nights for them, working her way steadily through a bucket list of the films everybody should see but they had somehow both missed.
It was nice. It was natural, giv
en how long they had been together now. But something was missing. It was as if they were stuck in one place, and being careful not to step outside that groove. They were avoiding a fight over their real feelings, he knew. Deep inside, he was still hurt, and a little angry that Danni had claimed to need more time.
What are you waiting for? he wanted to ask. To live a complete life without me first? Is there something you want that you can't have if you commit to me? Was this about her dream of writing? He would support her through every step of it. Was this about kids? Yes, he wanted a family, but if she didn't, they could talk about it. They could compromise. He would always compromise, if it meant she would be happy. That they would be happy together.
He hadn't asked himself yet what he wanted that Danni might never agree to. The one thing he needed that a lifetime with her might cost him, for instance. If there was such a thing, he was afraid to find out that it existed.
Logan held the bouquet in one arm as he opened the door to Pauline's. At the new corner table, a couple was sitting, gazing starry-eyed at each other over their morning coffee. The Scrabble box was lying on the opposite end of the table, as if waiting to be opened and played. Logan smiled.
"One cup of espresso to go," he told the barista behind the counter. They were slammed this morning as usual, not that he was in a hurry.
"Number sixteen," she said, handing him a ticket.
Danni was sitting at their table, a book lying open before her. It wasn't one for work, because it had no sticky tabs attached to its pages, and one of her personal bookmarks was tucked in the opening, one with glittery butterfly stickers attached to a lavender ribbon.
She looked up and smiled as he approached. He leaned down and kissed her, lingering a fraction of a second longer than usual. "Happy Valentine's Day," he said.
"You shouldn't have," she said. Usually Danni made a pretense of waving away his gifts and flowers as too much on his part. Today, her heart wasn't in it, judging from her lopsided smile.
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