Franklin ran a finger around the rim of his glass. "I don't know about that. Each kid is special. I don't think we're any less excited with each one. It's just that we're not as scared. The first one—" He pushed out a deep breath. "Now, the first one is a killer because neither one of you knows what to expect, and you're so overwhelmed with the idea of the baby, of being parents. I don't ever want to go through that first one again." Franklin looked up and into Marvin's eyes. "I'm sorry, man," he said. "I don't know what I'm thinking."
Marvin knew Franklin was apologizing for causing Marvin to think about his firstborn. "No need to be sorry, man. I think about him all the time. I guess I always will."
Though Marvin spoke the words honestly, a pall fell over the conversation. Daniel tried to lift it. "You've done Vic a great favor with this baby," he told Marvin.
"How's that?" Marvin lifted his flute to his lips.
"By asking her to act as Shay's coach," he explained. "You'll never know how much it means to her."
"Don't mention it, man," Marvin said, though the idea of Vickie acting as Shay's coach was new to him. He was going to be his wife's coach. Instead of clarifying that point with Daniel, he decided he'd best discuss it with Shay first.
"Well, it's a big deal to her," Daniel went on.
"You know, I've often wondered why Vickie isn't married," Franklin said. "Evelyn, bless her heart, has tried to set her up more than once, but Vickie always finds a way to get out of it."
"Maybe she's like Daniel here." Marvin slapped his friend's shoulder. "Maybe she's called to be single."
Daniel shook his head. "Don't worry about Vic," he said. "She's going to be just fine. Her life is full, and I'm sure the Lord has more in store for her in the future. Whether he'll have her share that future with a husband by her side is up to him." He caught Franklin's eye, and then Marvin's. "Sometimes you married people forget that marriage is not the higher calling. Leave Vic alone and let God do what he wants to do. He has his own timing and his own plans."
"You're right," Franklin said, "sometimes I do think married people are better off than single people." He lifted his shoulders. "Maybe it's because I know I'm happier married than I was when I was single."
"I feel the same way," Marvin said, "but I do get your point, Daniel. Shay and I have never tried to match you up with anybody because we know where you stand, but some of our other single friends don't seem as content with their singleness as you are."
Daniel sipped from his drink. "Look," he said, "I don't want to start preaching, but you know this is a hot button for me."
"Preach," Franklin said. Marvin and Daniel laughed.
Daniel quirked a brow at Franklin, and then he said, "Our society exerts a lot of pressure on singles, especially single women, and sometimes those of us in the church only serve to reinforce that pressure. Somehow we've got to stop perpetuating the myth that marriage and family are higher on God's scale than a single life of service to him." At the silence that ruled the table after his statement, Daniel added, "See, I told you I didn't want to preach."
All three men laughed. Then Marvin said, "What you said is true, and I'm going to keep it in mind. Besides, I know about God's plan and God's timing and how his way can be drastically different from ours. Shay and I tried to have a second baby for four years, and nothing. Now this baby surprises both of us." Even as Marvin said the words he realized they weren't accurate. The baby had surprised him, but not Shay. No, she'd been expecting the miracle.
Franklin lifted his flute. "Here's to Marvin, Shay, and the new baby. May the Lord continue to bless you three with love and good health."
"I second that," Daniel said.
Marvin looked at the faces of his two friends and realized how much goodness God had wrought in his life recently. First, the offer from Daniel to help with the ministry, followed by the new baby, and now the new friends. When he'd left Atlanta, he'd known God was restoring what the locusts had eaten—in other words, making up for great losses, just as he'd promised his people in Joel 2—but at that time Marvin hadn't realized how far the Lord would go in his restoration.
Chapter 15
"Tired, babe?" Marvin asked Shay once they were back home. As she slipped off her earrings, he pulled her back into his embrace.
"A little," she said, "but I had a good time, and I'm glad we went."
Marvin pressed a kiss against the back of her neck, caressed her abdomen, and then moved back to the bed and started taking off his shoes. "I had a great time, too. I like Franklin and Evelyn a lot. I'm glad we got to spend some time with them."
"Me, too." She turned to him. "You know, I thought about CeCe and Nate and Anna Mae and Stuart a couple of times tonight. I wish they could have been there with us."
Marvin, too, had thought about their Atlanta friends, as well as about Shay's parents. The older couple had already made plans to be in Odessa for the birth. "They were with us," he said, "in spirit." When his words didn't seem to lift his wife's spirits, he asked, "Do you want to call them? It's not too late."
Shay shook her head and turned back to the mirror. "Not tonight. We talked to them a few days ago, and they were so happy for us. Maybe that's why I'm missing them. I'm thankful God has given us good friends here."
"Me, too," Marvin said. He loosened his tie, and pulled it around his neck. "That reminds me. Daniel said something about Vickie being your childbirth coach. He was so excited I didn't want to correct him right then. Do you have any idea what that's about?"
Shay met his gaze in the mirror. "I asked her," she said simply.
Marvin stopped unbuttoning his shirt. "You asked her?"
Shay nodded, but she dropped her gaze from his. "A few weeks ago."
"A few weeks ago?" Marvin realized he was parroting her words and shook his head. "Why did you do that?"
Shay moved away from the dresser and went into the closet. "Because I felt I needed to ask her."
Marvin stood up and followed her. Standing at the entrance to the closet, he asked, "What do you mean by that?"
She sighed deeply, pressed her tunic to her chest, and finally met his gaze again. "I asked her, Marvin, because I wasn't sure if you'd want to be my coach."
Marvin had to fight to keep from bending over in pain. The force of her words was that strong.
"I asked you before, if you'll remember," she said, as if she sensed the need to defend her actions.
Marvin remembered the conversation. "I didn't say I didn't want to be your coach, Shay. I said that I thought we should wait until after the first trimester to attend the classes. That's exactly what I said."
"I know what you said, Marvin." She snatched a hanger off the rack and put the tunic and pants on it. "I remember exactly what you said!"
"You're angry with me?" he asked, brushing his hand across his head. What was going on here? "I should be angry with you."
Her eyes flashed daggers at him. "I'm not angry."
He raised a skeptical brow. "You could have fooled me."
"Well, I'm not," she said, a bit more calmly.
Marvin stepped back and took a deep breath. "Okay, then. Now that we're both calm.... Let's try this one more time. I'm making it clear that I want to be your coach, so how are we going to tell Vickie?"
Shay shook her head. "We're not going to tell her anything. I didn't ask her to be the coach, Marvin. I asked her to be a backup."
"Backup?" he asked, going back to his parroting mode. "I'm not going anywhere. Why do you need a backup?"
She pulled on a dressing gown and strode past him and out of the closet.
"Why do you need a backup, Shay?" he asked again, a feeling of dread building in his chest. He knew he wasn't going to like her answer.
She sat down on the bed and patted the space next to her. "Come and sit down."
Marvin did as she requested, but with every step he took, his feelings of dread intensified. Once he was seated, she took his hands in hers and looked up into his eyes. "I love you, Mar
vin. I love you so much."
He squeezed her fingers. "I know you do, sweetheart. I love you too."
A brief smile fluttered across her lips. "And I love our baby."
"So do I."
"I love this baby so much," she went on as if he hadn't spoken. "And I have to think of the baby first. That's why I asked Vickie to be the backup coach."
Marvin was beginning to understand where this conversation was going, and he didn't like it. He untangled his hands from Shay's. "Why don't you just say it, Shay?" he said. "Stop with all the words and say it."
Tears streamed down her face now, but his heart was hardened to them. "Say it," he said, his voice louder. "Tell me why your love for our child forced you to get a backup coach."
She turned away from him, and he took small satisfaction in the knowledge that she couldn't face him when she spoke the vile words. "I asked her because I'm not sure you'll be there for us, Marvin."
He did double over then, and he was glad she'd turned away. The silence stretched between them until he was able to gather his wits. He placed his hand on her shoulder and turned her to face him. "I'll be there for you, Shay. You have to know I will."
She lowered her eyes, and he dropped his hand from her shoulder. She didn't know it. She really didn't know it. "Why, Shay? Why don't you know I'll be there for you and our baby?" When she didn't answer immediately, he suggested, "Is it because I walked out before? Is that the reason?"
Shay shook her head. "That's not it. Not really."
"Then what is it?"
She turned to him. "It's your fear, Marvin. It's fear that made you withhold your love from our child and your support from me until after the first trimester. It's fear that made you change your mind about our moving into Genesis House. This fear controls you, and it controls the life we have together."
"You can't be serious. I—"
She turned her palms out to him. "Don't deny it, and don't try to explain it. I know you told me your reasons, or your excuses, for your behavior, but I'm talking about the effect. You weren't there for me, and you weren't there for our child."
"That's not—"
She bobbed her head up and down in a rigorous nod. "Yes, it is."
"I was trying to protect you."
"No, you were trying to protect yourself. You didn't think about me or about our baby."
All the events of the past three months flashed through Marvin's mind, and he had no words for her, no evidence to convince her he'd be there for her and their child. Not when his track record spoke so eloquently against him. He'd walked out on her. He'd withheld his love from their unborn child until he felt safe enough to let that love flow, but he'd changed. Couldn't she see that he'd changed? He wanted to tell her, to remind her of the man he was now, but he didn't. He was afraid he knew what her response would be.
Too little, too late. The words sounded in his head and pounded against his skull. Thoughts direct from her heart to his. Too little, too late.
* * *
Shay awakened from a restless night of sleep, a restlessness she knew her husband had shared, and found herself alone in bed. Hoping to speak with Marvin before he left the house, she eased out of the bed—quick movements were a thing of the past—grabbed a cracker, pulled on her robe, and went in search of him. She found him in the kitchen, making coffee. She watched him from the doorway.
She knew her words and actions of the night before had hurt him, but she'd seen no other way. If he knew how desperately she wanted to give him the responses he needed to hear, he would understand she was in pain as well.
He was aware she was there, she knew, but he hadn't, or wouldn't, acknowledge her presence. She took a deep breath, pushed away from the door, and marched over to him. She wrapped her arms around his waist and whispered, "I love you, Marvin."
She wasn't surprised when he pulled out of her embrace, but his actions hurt her nonetheless. She watched him make his cup of coffee in silence. When he spoke, he asked, "Do you want a cup?"
She shook her head, sinking into a chair at the table. "The baby."
He nodded, as if angry with himself for making the offer. "Of course, no caffeine," he said. He didn't sit, as she hoped he would, but stood next to the stove, looking away from her.
"I didn't say what I said to hurt you, honey," she told him. "I didn't feel I had any choice."
He shot her a quick glance. "I'm sure you didn't feel you had a choice. You made that pretty clear. What else could a woman who has no faith in her husband do?"
His biting words hurt her. "It's not that I don't have faith in you," she tried to explain. "It's just that the baby—"
He dumped the rest of his coffee in the sink. "You don't have to explain it to me again, Shay. I think I have it. You can't count on me to be there for you and our child. I think you've made that pretty clear."
Shay prayed for words that would make the situation better, but none came.
"I guess it doesn't matter that I want to be there for you." He watched her and waited for her response. When it didn't come fast enough, he said, "I didn't think so."
"Don't do this, Marvin," she pleaded. "Please don't do this. All I've done is ask Vickie to be a backup coach for us. We can all three go to the classes together, or if you prefer, Vickie and I can go to one session, and then you and I can go to another one."
He sighed, a deafening sound of defeat to her ears. "That's fine, Shay. Whatever way you want it." He took a deep breath and stared into her eyes. "I want you to be comfortable with this. You and our child are more important to me than anything, whether you believe it or not. So whatever makes you happy, whatever makes you feel safe, is all right with me." He paused and ran his hand across his face. "I'm not going to lie and say I'm not hurt that you feel you can't depend on me, that my past behavior has made you feel this way, but I'm going to try and put my feelings aside and think of you and the baby. I know you don't believe it right now, but I'd give my life for either of you."
Shay was out of her chair and in her husband's arms in a flash, differences or no differences. "I know you'd give your life for us, Marvin. I don't doubt your love for us."
"Then what is it?" He pulled back and looked deeply into her eyes. "Why don't you trust me?"
She lowered her lashes, unable to maintain the eye contact. "I do trust you—"
"Come on, Shay."
She met his gaze again, and the pain in his eyes was almost unbearable for her to see. "It's just that I'm not sure what you'll do if something goes wrong with this pregnancy. I know you'll want to love us and be there for us, but I don't know if you'll be able to. I'm not sure you even know that. Marvin Jr.'s death affected us both very deeply, and I'm not sure yet if we know all the scars we bear. But I know we both had to find a way to deal with it."
Marvin dropped his arm from her shoulders. "This isn't about Marvin Jr.'s death."
Shay sighed and stepped back from him. "Maybe you're right, Marvin. Maybe it isn't about Marvin Jr. Maybe it's about what Marvin Jr.'s death has made us believe about God. I think you no longer believe God loves you the way you used to believe. From the beginning, I've looked at our baby as a sign of God's love, but for the most part, you've viewed it as another way for God to hurt you."
* * *
After a day that consisted primarily of tears, Shay showered, dressed, and headed for her early-evening walk with Vickie. Vickie met her at the door with an apology.
"Daniel told me what he said to Marvin last night about my being your coach," she said. "I could have hit him. Half the time he's not even listening to what I say, but he would listen to that."
"Don't worry about it," Shay said as they headed out to the sidewalk.
"Well, I explained to Daniel that you no longer need me to be a coach because your husband was more than up to the job," Vickie said with a wistful sigh. "Marvin's changed so much, Shay. He's everything we prayed he'd become."
"But I still want you to be a coach—"
"Why?" Vic
kie asked, stopping on the sidewalk. "Doesn't Marvin want to do it?"
Shay kept walking, forcing Vickie to do so as well. "Yes, he wants to do it, but nothing's changed. Not really. The reasons I had for asking you are still the reasons I want you to do it."
"But things have changed. You saw Marvin last night. You've seen him the last couple of weeks. How can you say nothing's changed?"
Shay kept her eyes straight ahead, her pace brisk. "Because it hasn't. Marvin's attitude has changed because of the good news the doctor gave us, but what if there is a complication with this baby after all? What if we go back in a couple of weeks and the doctor finds something wrong? What's Marvin going to do then?" She shook her head. "No, things haven't changed."
Vickie tugged on Shay's arm and forced her to stop walking. "You're joking, right, Shay? Tell me you're joking."
Shay shook her head. "I'm not joking. Marvin and I talked about it last night and again this morning. He told me what Daniel said, and I explained to him what I wanted."
"What did he say?"
Shay couldn't meet her friend's eyes. She looked across her left shoulder. "He was upset at first, but he came around. He wants to do what's best for the baby and me. And having you with me is best." She patted Vickie's arm. "Don't worry so."
"Are you sure you're doing the right thing?" Vickie asked. "I can imagine Marvin's ego is taking quite a beating right now."
Shay started walking again. She didn't want to think about Marvin's ego or about the pain her decision caused him. Caused both of them. She had to think about the baby. "Our baby is more important than Marvin's ego—or mine, for that matter. For this baby to be all right, I have to know I'll have somebody with me I can depend on if problems arise. Right now, Marvin is not that person."
Vickie stopped her one more time. "I'm scared for you, Shay," she said. "You sound confident you're doing the right thing, but I'm not sure you are. A part of me thinks I should decline your offer of being coach—"
"You can't do that, Vickie," Shay said, grabbing her friend's hand. "I need to know you're in my corner. I need that now more than ever."
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