by Deb McEwan
‘Isn’t that cute?’ Vicky nodded towards the bear.
Max explained that when the baby was a little older, he would love holding and cuddling the soft teddy bear and that little children love teddy bears and sleep with them from a young age.
‘How do you know all this?’ Vicky shook her head. ‘You amaze me at times.’
Max nodded and tried to maintain a mysterious air. He’d tell her about the humans’ library at some stage in the future.
‘Another thing, Vic is that real bears aren’t so friendly.’
‘You mean there are real animals that look like that?’ Vicky nodded towards the teddy again and Max shook his head.
‘Not quite, Vic. Remember Helen and Archie and the adventure she wanted?’
Vicky threw some spider string at the mobile and ran up it to get some good footage of the cot. This focussed her mind and she was able to recall Helen and Archie.
‘Got it now.’ She jumped to the floor. ‘He wanted her to tame the dragon and she wanted an adventure?’
Max nodded. ‘Well, I contacted one of the overseas teams and they’ve sent back some footage. Let’s finish here and I’ll show you.’
*****
Helen had persuaded Archie to sell the caravan, and he’d agreed on the condition that they could hire a campervan on their next holiday. In return, Archie agreed to take a more adventurous holiday and so they found themselves in the wilderness that was Parmastone National Park.
Jake Anderson had worked in Parmastone National Park for nigh on 30 years. A military veteran, at age 60 he was not as quick as he had been in his former years, but he was still pretty sprightly and felt he could out smart lots of people and many animals. He’d received the call 30 minutes ago. A couple of tourists had gotten near to a huge sow and her young, big mistake! Jake now had to go to their rescue.
They had managed to get themselves up onto a branch of a Buckeye tree. The bear was at the bottom of the tree and could probably reach the tourists if she wanted to. Jake suspected that there were young nearby.
‘I canna think what we’ve done to annoy yon animal.’ Said Archie conversationally.
Jake knew the fella was speaking English but didn’t have a clue what he was on about.
‘What’s that, sir?’
‘Dinna call me sir, I work for a living eh.’ The man laughed at his own joke. Jake still didn’t have a clue but admired anyone who was able to joke in such serious circumstances.
The woman had a stick and was battering the tree with it and shouting at the bear. At first Jake thought she was mad then heard her speaking to her husband.
‘Ach, Archie, stop havering and ask yon man to help us.’
Helen looked down and didn’t realise that either of them could climb a tree. She supposed when being chased by a bear you could do anything. She was also amazed that she’d managed to hold onto her stick while shimmying up the tree. If she left here alive, what a tale they’d have to tell when they got home!
‘Dinna stress, hen, we’ll be fine.’
Right, they’re Scottish. Jake had heard that the Scots were hardy and could be a bit mad, but didn’t really expect to be witnessing this spectacle.
‘I think the bear’s got a few youngsters she’s trying to protect. Don’t be alarmed when I fire a few shots which’ll hopefully startle her and she’ll run back to her young. We’ll get you down then.’
‘Frightened of a big bang? He’s obviously not been out on the toon in Glasgow on a Friday night recently!’ Archie laughed again and Jake shook his head chuckling at the mad folks up the tree.
Helen looked at her husband fondly. She’d asked for excitement and adventure and Archie had delivered in spades. As soon as yon American had got rid of the big beastie, she’d get Archie back to the campervan and she’d certainly tame his dragon tonight, oh yes indeede!!!
Sure enough, when Jake fired his weapon, the bear growled and made to take cover. Jake quickly motioned for the Scottish tourists to climb down and soon enough they were in his SUV taking a tot of whisky. ‘Just for the shock you understand.’
Jake loved his job and the Scottish folk would definitely have an interesting tale to tell when they got home.
Max switched off the recording and looked at Vicky. ‘Did the bear look...’
‘Wendy.’ Vicky interrupted. ‘It looked like the pictures we saw of the Wendies in the Terry libraries.’
During their down time on Largo, Max and Vicky had visited one of the Terry libraries and immersed themselves in the Terry culture. They wanted to be able to impress their hosts so that they wouldn’t end up as Terry snacks.
They’d discovered stories about the Wendies. They were mythical Terry creatures covered in hair not dissimilar to the animal that was frightening the humans. Wendies were supposed to have abducted naughty Terry children and, up to 3 generations ago, Terry parents and grandparents always threatened their offspring with Wendy abduction if they were being particularly naughty. Due to some young Terries becoming ill with the fear of Wendies, the Government had made a decree that it was now illegal to threaten Terry youngsters with Wendies and, anyone found disobeying this law would be publicly punished. The nature of the punishment wasn’t documented. Wendy stories had therefore gone underground and Terry citizens weren’t even comfortable talking about Wendies in the comfort of their own homes. As far as Max and Vicky had discovered, no-one had been publicly punished for Wendy talk.
‘So are bears and Wendies somehow related?’ Asked Vicky. ‘Or is it just coincidence?’
‘Don’t suppose we’ll ever know.’ Said Max.
*****
Two weeks later Max and Vicky were filming the chaos in the Gibson home.
Phil tripped over a cuddly toy as he attempted to wipe the baby’s sick off the back of his shirt. He was trying to remember where he put his wallet and knew he was going to be late for work, again. Caroline tried to run her hand through her hair which looked like it had been caught in a tornado, she yawned and closed her eyes. The baby hiccupped, totally oblivious to the chaos he’d caused his parents, and Caroline remembered that she couldn’t sleep because she was feeding her baby.
After feeding, Caroline winded the baby. Unfortunately he was a little sick again, but this time on her shoulder.
Max narrated for the viewers. ‘Sick, also known as vomit and puke, is when food or liquid unexpectedly comes out of the mouth at a great velocity, instead of being digested and coming out of the waste disposal unit.’
It took Caroline a little while to get the baby off to sleep after winding him.
Vicky filmed the action while Max continued narrating. ‘Babies need to be winded as sometimes they swallow too much air. The air fills the baby’s tummy, which can make them feel uncomfortable and quite full up before they’ve had enough milk to drink.’
‘Now it’s time for the parents to name the baby. As you know, names were introduced on Largo to enhance everyone’s lives. Choosing a name is very important to humans and a key moment in every human child’s life as it can radically alter the course of it. Let’s have a look at some humans with more unusual names...’
‘AND CUT.’
Vicky stopped filming and they made their way back to the Ops Room to load the name choosing footage.
A number of children were in a school playground chanting ‘Plum, plum, show us your bum!’ Poor plum was nearly in tears.
The scene changed to a number of men in business suits, sitting round a table, the man at the head of the table, obviously the boss, looked to one of the younger men. ‘So what do you think, Pomelo?’
Everyone except Pomelo burst into gales of laughter.
Pomelo blushed and started stammering. ‘Well, I, I’m not totally sure, but, well, I think maybe we should ummm…’
They all ignored him and made their way to the coffee machine.
Max added a voiceover. ‘This is cruel and unacceptable behaviour. However, it’s generally not wise to name a child after a fruit
. Although, there are always exceptions to the rule.’
On the screen a good looking man was preening himself in front of the full length mirror, a number of lackeys were running back and forth, catering to his every whim.
‘Water please, Nigel and make sure the bottle is sealed properly and not too cold.’
‘Of course master.’
‘Less of your bloody cheek as well.’
Nigel turned and skipped off, crossing himself behind Pomegranate’s back.
Pomegranate looked at his reflection. ‘Sue, do you think I need a little more foundation?’
‘No, darling you look beautiful as usual.’
‘Cathy, call yourself a stylist, my hair makes me look like I’m the love child of Don King and Shirley bloody Temple!’
‘Sorry, Mr Palfreyman.’ Said Cathy, looking around for support. ‘But everyone else thinks your hair looks great.’
‘It’s a mess, Cathy …’
‘You look absolutely gorgeous.’ Said Sue. ‘Doesn’t he, Nigel?’
Nigel agreed. ‘If you were that way inclined, Mr Palfreyman, I’d have a go!’
‘Leave it out, Nigel.’ Said Pomegranate. ‘You know I’m all man.’
‘And that’s exactly the way I like them.’
They all laughed and Cathy breathed a sigh of relief as Pomegranate decided to leave his hair well alone. A runner tapped on the door and warned Pomegranate. ‘Final call, sir.’
Pomegranate took a deep breath and gave himself one final check over in the mirror. He winked at his reflection and raised himself to his full height. ‘OK, let’s doooooooo it.’
He walked out into a massive arena, approaching a stage. A voice could be heard in the background.
‘Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Pomegranate Palfreyman.’
A deafening cheer erupted from the maximum capacity crowd and Pom walked onto the stage to thunderous applause.
Max. ‘Flower names are OK for girls, not boys, but I still say never name a human after a fruit, Pomegranate just got lucky. Your government advise that Terries can get away with fruit names viewers, so, if you suspect one in your home is named after a fruit, don’t panic, it’s OK. In the meantime, let’s see what the baby’s parents are up to.’
All was neat and tidy back in Phil and Caroline’s house. The baby was sleeping quietly and his parents were keen to choose a name as they’d been dithering for too long.
‘Rupert Ramasees?’ Phil was hopeful.
‘Nope.’ Caroline thought that a ridiculous name.
‘Reebok Ronald?’
‘Nope.’ Another stupid name..
Phil had run out of ideas. ‘How about Jack?’
‘Deal!’ It was a steady friendly name and Caroline was happy with that.
Max. ‘Now all they have to do is decide whether they want an official naming ceremony with a party afterwards.’
Phil and Caroline were cosied up on the sofa, Jack was in bed and all was well with the world.
Phil broke the silence. ‘I know we’re not religious but some of the family and friends are. I thought it might be nice to Christen Jack.’
Caroline between giggles. ‘Has your mother put you up to this?’
‘I have got a mind of my own you know.’
‘OK, OK, But we’re not into all that stuff. It would seem really false to me. We might as well believe in Aliens!’
Max indicated that Vicky should stop laughing by using his leg to mimic the international sign for cut. She composed herself before he continued.
‘The family decide not to have any official naming ceremony and they settle down to daily life. Visitors come and go and the proud parents find Jack’s every little move and gesture fascinating; not so for everyone else though.’
Max had given Vicky the afternoon off and Junior was assisting him. Brian and Liz were visiting but not a lot was happening.
Junior bounced a ball of tin foil off the wall and caught it between two legs. He repeated the action again and again.
‘For goodness sake, stop doing that.’ Max snapped. ‘You’re driving me nuts.’
Junior stopped and was quiet until. ‘I spy with my…’
‘No, can’t you just sit and wait.’ Max interrupted.
‘I hope Vicky and Clive are having a good time.’ That would teach Max for snapping at him.
Max tried to ignore Junior, but curiosity got the better of him. ‘Vicky’s gone to the park so I don’t know what you’re on about.’
‘You’re right, Boss.’ He waited a beat. ‘Vicky and Clive have taken a picnic, lovely day for it don’t you think?’ Junior smiled innocently.
‘Switch on your camera and get filming.’ Max didn’t expect to feel jealous as he had no hold over Vicky. Saying that, he intended to talk to Clive later to find out his intentions. In the meantime there was work to be done.
The adults took a peek at Jack, fast asleep in his cot. The baby moved and his father puffed up with pride.
‘Did you see Jack move, see how strong he’s going to be?’
‘Er, how can you tell that?’ Brian was confused.
Phil and Caroline didn’t see the look Liz gave Brian before saying.
‘Oh yes, isn’t that wonderful.’
‘But he’s only 6 weeks old, how can you say he’s going to be strong? He may grow up into a geek or something, you can never tell these days.’ Brian looked at Phil and realised something wasn’t quite right.
Phil leaned towards his friend and Brian capitulated.
‘Come on, mate, I only meant err. Now you come to mention it, he does look as if he’s going to be really strong.’
‘Oh well.’ Said Liz. ‘We’d better go, we’ve still got a bit of shopping to do.’
Brian started talking but was cut-off by Liz’s elbow as hey headed for the door. ‘But I thought you said… Ow!’
Outside the house Liz was shaking her head.
‘I wonder about you at times, Brian, I’m sure you’re borderline torrettes!!!’
‘That’s a wrap.’ Said Max. ‘Go to the Cutting Room and I’ll catch you later.’
Junior left without argument.
Chapter 8
Max hadn’t said a word to Vicky about her picnic with Clive, and Vicky was determined not to comment about the outing. She adored Max but he had only shown a platonic interest in her and she wasn’t getting any younger. She felt she could date who she wanted and Clive, although irritating at times was chivalrous, good company, and treated her well.
It was obvious to Clive that Vicky and Max adored each other. Although he didn’t want to get embroiled in their relationship, Vicky was a catch and if Max didn’t want to partner her, Clive wanted to be next in line.
It was a number of weeks since the picnic and Max and Vicky were on shift together. ‘Right, Vic.’ Max sounded very businesslike to her. ‘I’m going to narrate while you do the filming. OK with you?’
Vicky nodded her head and put her camera on standby.
Max whispered go to Vicky and she started filming while he talked. ‘Baby Jack is now 3 months old and still can’t nourish himself or speak their language. If he wants anything he communicates by crying or screaming, but his parents are really lucky because Jack is a good little baby and he doesn’t cry or scream just for the sake of it, only when he needs or wants something. Jack can’t yet use what the humans call a toilet.’
He waited for the information to sink in, then continued. ‘Now, before we catch up with the humans, you’re probably wondering what a toilet is.’
‘Well, humans are what we call mammals and all mammals have to have nourishment which they call food. Food and water are their main diet and they don’t get their nutrition from supplement tablets in the same way that you do. The insects that you eat as snacks are an example of food, but most humans don’t eat insects for pleasure.’
‘We’re still in the early days of this research but believe that if they eat food and don’t empty it for a long time, they either explod
e or get really fat. If it’s 2 or 3 days or so without emptying the food, this is known as constipation.
‘And cut.’ Vicky stopped filming and turned the camera off. She yawned and had a long stretch.
‘You OK, Vic?’
‘Fine thanks, Max, had a bit of a late night last night.’ She yawned again.
Max knew Vicky hadn’t been on shift. ‘Were you working?’
Vicky laughed. ‘No, Clive and I did a recce to a local pub and got back later than we meant to.’
Max was not amused but carried on working. He added the footage he’d been looking for to the recording.
A number of heavily overweight people were working out, flushed and sweating and looking absolutely shattered. One man wobbled out of the room and entered the lavatory. Shortly after, the sound of a toilet flushing could be heard.
He did the voiceover. ‘Until baby humans can use toilets, they empty their waste into cloth or paper vessels which are wrapped around their waste units. Each human culture has a different name for these vessels, but in Graylesford they call them nappies. Sometimes you can tell when babies are filling their nappies.’
A baby was screwing up his face whilst filling his nappy. The adults around him screwed their faces up in disgust and fanned their hands in a futile hope of getting rid of the smell.
Max. ‘Occasionally some naughty older humans may employ sneaky or devious tactics in order to avoid changing the baby’s nappy.’
A family were at home. The two young children in the living room were building a Lego vehicle. The third child, the baby, started crying.
‘Gotta go to the loo. Will you change him please?’ The adult female got up and left the room and the adult male grunted.
He laid the baby on the changing mat and opened the nappy.
‘Ewwwwww.’ He gagged, along with the other children.
Upstairs the mother looked out of her bedroom window for a few minutes before visiting the toilet and flushing it. She returned to the family living room where the father had changed and powdered the baby.
Max stopped the recording and edited it into order.
